I hope you have chosen to enjoy this Christmas season, no matter what hardship you may be facing. There is good to be found in every day we are given, even the days we wish would quickly end.
Last week my family got the kind of new you DON'T want to hear from the doctors--especially at Christmastime. We've shed our tears and enlisted our friends and family to pray for healing of my mother-in-law, Patty, (God can do anything). And in the midst of it, we've choose to focus on the reason for the season--the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ who came to save the world. He is big enough to handle our joys and sorrows! And he's big enough to handle yours.
Merry Christmas!
Victorya
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
The REAL hero of "It's a Wonderful Life"
I just got this email from a friend who is in the midst of devastating divorce. Wow, it made me stop and think so much I thought it was worth sharing with my readers! Have you ever stopped to ponder about who is the REAL hero of the Christmas favorite “It’s a Wonderful Life”? Here’s one man’s view…
“Hey, Victorya:
I just had a thought I needed to vent to someone. I hope you don't mind. I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" with my kids last night. I make them watch it every year. As I was watching the movie, I couldn't help notice that George Bailey is pretty cranky throughout the movie when the pressure of everything gets to him, especially when the money gets lost. My daughter even commented on it. I found myself defending George because I related very well to George and the pressure he felt. I, too, have been cranky when the pressure of my wife’s outrageous behavior and reactions to our financial hardship got to me.
I couldn't help but wonder what a different movie it would have been if Bailey’s wife, Mary, had decided she would be happier with the plastics guy and left George. Instead, she stepped up to the plate and was strong when he was weak. She rallied the troops to begin praying (what ultimately saved his life) and bailed him out by raising the money they needed. She never stopped seeing the fact that he was a good man, even when he wasn't acting that way. I couldn't help but be envious of George and the good and faithful wife that he chose. I realized, perhaps for the first time, that she was just as much the hero of the movie as he was.
Victorya, I don't know if you can use this to inspire women, but I wanted to pass the thoughts along. I hope and pray that the ideal of a Mary Bailey is not simply something movies are made of. There’s got to be more Mary Bailey’s out there?”
Your friend… a discouraged "George Bailey"
So ladies, don’t you want to be a Mary Bailey?” You know, a woman who will rally the troops to pray for your man when the going gets tough? One who steps up and is the strong one when your man is weak? And a woman who focuses on the good inside your man even when he’s so cranky you’d prefer to slap him? I pray that that is how my husband sees me and if I haven’t achieved her yet, may I in 2008!
Victorya Rogers
“Hey, Victorya:
I just had a thought I needed to vent to someone. I hope you don't mind. I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" with my kids last night. I make them watch it every year. As I was watching the movie, I couldn't help notice that George Bailey is pretty cranky throughout the movie when the pressure of everything gets to him, especially when the money gets lost. My daughter even commented on it. I found myself defending George because I related very well to George and the pressure he felt. I, too, have been cranky when the pressure of my wife’s outrageous behavior and reactions to our financial hardship got to me.
I couldn't help but wonder what a different movie it would have been if Bailey’s wife, Mary, had decided she would be happier with the plastics guy and left George. Instead, she stepped up to the plate and was strong when he was weak. She rallied the troops to begin praying (what ultimately saved his life) and bailed him out by raising the money they needed. She never stopped seeing the fact that he was a good man, even when he wasn't acting that way. I couldn't help but be envious of George and the good and faithful wife that he chose. I realized, perhaps for the first time, that she was just as much the hero of the movie as he was.
Victorya, I don't know if you can use this to inspire women, but I wanted to pass the thoughts along. I hope and pray that the ideal of a Mary Bailey is not simply something movies are made of. There’s got to be more Mary Bailey’s out there?”
Your friend… a discouraged "George Bailey"
So ladies, don’t you want to be a Mary Bailey?” You know, a woman who will rally the troops to pray for your man when the going gets tough? One who steps up and is the strong one when your man is weak? And a woman who focuses on the good inside your man even when he’s so cranky you’d prefer to slap him? I pray that that is how my husband sees me and if I haven’t achieved her yet, may I in 2008!
Victorya Rogers
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Why did that Bachelor Dump You?
Okay so I'm overdue on blogging about the finale of this year's BACHELOR on ABC. As any of the fans of the show know, Brad, the bachelor, chose NO ONE. He had narrowed it down to two, then one, then changed his mind and decided to dump both, even though he asked them to fly Deana's Dad out for permission for a proposal. Jenni & Deanna were both left broken hearted, confused and angry. Welcome to the real world of dating.
Actually as disappointing as the ending was to many viewers, this was unfortunately a typical and realistic scenario. You can do everything right in a relationship and still have your heart ripped out of you. In this case, it was not necessarily the fault of the bachelorettes.
Brad's traumatic teen years were revealed on the first episode. At the divorce of his parents, he and his brothers went from popularity, sports and wealth to poverty and feelings of being "outcasts" all during very impressionable years. All three brothers vowed to never be poor again and seem to have proven they were serious as all three are currently millionaires.
But there were obviously deeper pain that has not yet been handled in our bachelor causing Brad to run away from love, most likely because of lack of trust and some fear that the desertion will "happen again". Though Brad's childhood pain was revealed on episode one, it was never eluded to again all season during any of the "dates" with the girls.
What is the lesson? Ladies you have to spend time really getting to know your man and asking a lot of questions and genuinely listening to his answers. Get to know his background. Get to know how he feels about his family and childhood. If there is some deep pain there that has not been dealt with, you are at risk of a major heartbreak because rarely do men stay with the ones who "fix them."
So what are you to do? Absolutely be compassionate! Absolutely care about his pain. But guard you heart! Take any relationship with this man VERY slow. Encourage him to get help and do some research on books to recommend or perhaps even a counselor nearby whom he can go to. Just don't you be his therapist, because chances are you'll get left the minute he's cured and he'll marry the next girl.
On the other hand, if his pain is not dealt with, he will NOT be emotionally open to love you because he can not trust. These often charismatic and charming damaged bachelors are not creeps and manipulators. They are just hurt and incapable of giving love until they've healed. Thus, even though your guy may seem like the greatest guy you've ever met, falling in love with him may take you exactly where Deanna ended up—to the land of the dumped and devastated.
Actually as disappointing as the ending was to many viewers, this was unfortunately a typical and realistic scenario. You can do everything right in a relationship and still have your heart ripped out of you. In this case, it was not necessarily the fault of the bachelorettes.
Brad's traumatic teen years were revealed on the first episode. At the divorce of his parents, he and his brothers went from popularity, sports and wealth to poverty and feelings of being "outcasts" all during very impressionable years. All three brothers vowed to never be poor again and seem to have proven they were serious as all three are currently millionaires.
But there were obviously deeper pain that has not yet been handled in our bachelor causing Brad to run away from love, most likely because of lack of trust and some fear that the desertion will "happen again". Though Brad's childhood pain was revealed on episode one, it was never eluded to again all season during any of the "dates" with the girls.
What is the lesson? Ladies you have to spend time really getting to know your man and asking a lot of questions and genuinely listening to his answers. Get to know his background. Get to know how he feels about his family and childhood. If there is some deep pain there that has not been dealt with, you are at risk of a major heartbreak because rarely do men stay with the ones who "fix them."
So what are you to do? Absolutely be compassionate! Absolutely care about his pain. But guard you heart! Take any relationship with this man VERY slow. Encourage him to get help and do some research on books to recommend or perhaps even a counselor nearby whom he can go to. Just don't you be his therapist, because chances are you'll get left the minute he's cured and he'll marry the next girl.
On the other hand, if his pain is not dealt with, he will NOT be emotionally open to love you because he can not trust. These often charismatic and charming damaged bachelors are not creeps and manipulators. They are just hurt and incapable of giving love until they've healed. Thus, even though your guy may seem like the greatest guy you've ever met, falling in love with him may take you exactly where Deanna ended up—to the land of the dumped and devastated.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Being Thankful for New Beginnings
Happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope you had lots of food and time for reflecting and being thankful for the blessings in your life, ESPECIALLY if you are going through a hard time right now. We all have things to be thankful for, no matter how miserable our circumstances.
If your 2007 included a devastating or unexpected loss, be it divorce, death or a breakup, you most likely have plenty of unanswered questions and a mixture of confusion, sadness, anger and guilt. If this was your year thus far, here's some good news. You have been blessed with a new beginning. Whether you wanted to be single again or not, you are. Good is going to eventually come out of your misery. Thank God for the opportunity to start over. Fresh beginnings are exciting, even when they're scary. This is an important season in your life to take care of you and spend time reflecting on what you REALLY want for the rest of your life. What do you dare dream for your future? Now is the time to do so. Write it down, ask God for help and get ready for a new life in 2008.
In my difficult times I have always found a way to lift my spirits when I focus on the blessings in my life and the opportunities that lie ahead for me from my current starting point. I challenge you to write out 10 blessings in your life right now. If you are really ready to lift your spirits, stick with this exercise and write out 100! Yes, I said 100. Everyone can come up with 100 things in their lives they are thankful for. For example, in 10 seconds, here are some of my blessings--God loves me, my kids are awesome and adorable and healthy. I'm healthy. I live in America, I live in a cozy home, I have plenty of food, I have transportation, My heater works in this winter air, I have a wonderful family, I have an adorable dog even tho' he still wets on my floor... Get the point, I just wrote out 10 things off the top of my head that are big or little blessings in my life. You can do this too.
May you realize many hidden blessings in your life this week!
Here's to many blessings in new beginnings, even when they're not unexpected!
If your 2007 included a devastating or unexpected loss, be it divorce, death or a breakup, you most likely have plenty of unanswered questions and a mixture of confusion, sadness, anger and guilt. If this was your year thus far, here's some good news. You have been blessed with a new beginning. Whether you wanted to be single again or not, you are. Good is going to eventually come out of your misery. Thank God for the opportunity to start over. Fresh beginnings are exciting, even when they're scary. This is an important season in your life to take care of you and spend time reflecting on what you REALLY want for the rest of your life. What do you dare dream for your future? Now is the time to do so. Write it down, ask God for help and get ready for a new life in 2008.
In my difficult times I have always found a way to lift my spirits when I focus on the blessings in my life and the opportunities that lie ahead for me from my current starting point. I challenge you to write out 10 blessings in your life right now. If you are really ready to lift your spirits, stick with this exercise and write out 100! Yes, I said 100. Everyone can come up with 100 things in their lives they are thankful for. For example, in 10 seconds, here are some of my blessings--God loves me, my kids are awesome and adorable and healthy. I'm healthy. I live in America, I live in a cozy home, I have plenty of food, I have transportation, My heater works in this winter air, I have a wonderful family, I have an adorable dog even tho' he still wets on my floor... Get the point, I just wrote out 10 things off the top of my head that are big or little blessings in my life. You can do this too.
May you realize many hidden blessings in your life this week!
Here's to many blessings in new beginnings, even when they're not unexpected!
Monday, November 19, 2007
The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Woke Me Up
I was flipping the channels on TV the other night and happened upon another reality TV show. This show documented the long process of choosing the 2007-2008 cheerleading squad for the Dallas Cowboy’s football team. This episode was their charm school portion of training. Beautiful young ladies were caught with less than perfect manners from biting off more than they can chew to many other lazy eating habits that we all so easily fall into—especially when we’ve been away from dating for a while.
Okay, even I was humbled! I’ve been comfortably married for 10 years now and my manners are not as perfect as they were when I was trying to impress my then boyfriend. I mean when I was single and actively searching for my man, I cared about how I looked, how I dressed, how I walked and how I ate every bite. While there’s no excuse for us getting lazy, too often we all do.
That is what makes it such a culture shock for ladies who find themselves back in the dating world after the divorce, death or break up of a long term relationship. Thus one of the first things to focus on is your overall outward presentation to the world when you get ready to jump back into the dating world. That includes your table manners, posture, clothing, hairstyle, make-up and even the articulation of the words you speak (i.e. “yes” instead of “yea”).
Here’s a fun gift idea for yourself this holiday season—why don’t you grab a friend and sign up for a local charm school. Or maybe even a new hairstyle or clothing makeover. We all deserve a little pampering.
Another way to freshen up your charm is to people watch. Notice how obvious single women act around single men. Are they more aware of their manners and attractiveness than women you see sitting with their husbands? What else do you observe? Not all the single gals will act how you prefer to act. Some will embarrass themselves with being way too provocative which only gains them a potential one night stand and little else. But what you will notice, overall, is that they care about how they present themselves. And that is something we can all work on.
This Thanksgiving be thankful for God giving you a fresh start and have fun reinventing your charming self. You and the world around you will be blessed.
Okay, even I was humbled! I’ve been comfortably married for 10 years now and my manners are not as perfect as they were when I was trying to impress my then boyfriend. I mean when I was single and actively searching for my man, I cared about how I looked, how I dressed, how I walked and how I ate every bite. While there’s no excuse for us getting lazy, too often we all do.
That is what makes it such a culture shock for ladies who find themselves back in the dating world after the divorce, death or break up of a long term relationship. Thus one of the first things to focus on is your overall outward presentation to the world when you get ready to jump back into the dating world. That includes your table manners, posture, clothing, hairstyle, make-up and even the articulation of the words you speak (i.e. “yes” instead of “yea”).
Here’s a fun gift idea for yourself this holiday season—why don’t you grab a friend and sign up for a local charm school. Or maybe even a new hairstyle or clothing makeover. We all deserve a little pampering.
Another way to freshen up your charm is to people watch. Notice how obvious single women act around single men. Are they more aware of their manners and attractiveness than women you see sitting with their husbands? What else do you observe? Not all the single gals will act how you prefer to act. Some will embarrass themselves with being way too provocative which only gains them a potential one night stand and little else. But what you will notice, overall, is that they care about how they present themselves. And that is something we can all work on.
This Thanksgiving be thankful for God giving you a fresh start and have fun reinventing your charming self. You and the world around you will be blessed.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Your Next Date may be just a Friend Away
Who in your social circle has access to the highly sought after? Who hangs around fascinating people? Who has a unique career or ministry where single men may be found? Who loves to meddle in other people’s affairs? You won’t know who may be willing to get involved unless you ask! (Page 91, The Automatic 2nd Date)
So often I hear single women say they just can't find dates and yet they don't ask their friends to set them up! Trust me, people just love to get involved in other people's business. Just give them permission to get involved in yours! Ask your friends if they know anyone right for you. You just never know who THEY know.
For more details on exactly how to get your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors and family involved in your love life, pick up a copy of The Automatic 2nd Date.
So often I hear single women say they just can't find dates and yet they don't ask their friends to set them up! Trust me, people just love to get involved in other people's business. Just give them permission to get involved in yours! Ask your friends if they know anyone right for you. You just never know who THEY know.
For more details on exactly how to get your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors and family involved in your love life, pick up a copy of The Automatic 2nd Date.
The Ultimate Gift for the Whole Family
Do you need a little wake up call about the meaning of life? Are you looking for a movie that pulls you in and makes you stop and think yet entertains you with laughter and tears at the same time? If the answer is yes, then pick up this pleasant surprise of a movie. The premise of The Ultimate Gift (based on Jim Stovall's book by the same title) is a snotty rich kids expects to inherit millions from his Grandfather to continue with his limitless cashflow of a life he's lived thus far. Boy is he in for a surprise. The film begins with a billionaire's death. His more than superficous, obnoxious relatives all come in for the reading of the will. Of course, no one is pleased with the reading. The main character, grandson, Jason Stevens, is no exception. The billionaire, aptly played by James Garner, has left Jason a peculiar gift. A series of gifts actually, via video tape and delivered through his longtime lawyer and friend Ted Hamilton, played by Bill Cobbs. Jason Stevens must successfully complete all requirements of each "test" to get each gift, without knowing what he gets each time he is successful and always with the threat that if he blows it, everything is lost. Jason's world is literally turned upside down with each new gift as everything is literally taken away from him--his money, his friends, his car, his home, his dignity and even his freedom. Not since The Christmas Carol, has a story successfully engaged its viewers in such a journey. Screenwriting newcomer Cheryl McKay does a beautiful job adapting Jim Stovall's brilliant tale. An enhancement to the already great book was McKay's expansion of the "one true friend" little girl character Emily, played by Abigail Breslin. In the film version of Ultimate Gift, Emily is a major storyline which worked well for the big screen. Certainly director Michael Sajbel deserves credit and mention for the well done adaptation as well. I thoroughly enjoyed the casting as well, especially James Garner, Bill Cobbs and Lee Meriwether. If you've ever been spoiled, taken your life for granted, felt broke, been disenchanted about your life, been unappreciative, or just had one of those days, grab a tissue and watch The Ultimate Gift. You'll get your life back into perspective.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Brad Pitt, God and Ego
Brad Pitt discussed his view of religion and God last week in Parade magazine. He basically said he thinks religion is fine for a crutch to comfort you for any little crisis you may face but he “didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”
Here's my rebuttal, as I'll address both sides of Brad Pitt's view of God and religion. First, about religion being a crutch, to some people that would be a correct analysis. There are many elements of religion that can be considered a crutch--sympton relief as I would call it. And symptom relief is an epidemic today. Symptom relief is sought in religion, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, relationships, anti-depresants, affairs, careers, fame, movies, money, distractions, busy-ness, really ANYTHING that distracts you from thinking about your problems, sadness or emptiness at any given time is symptom relief or "a crutch." So many people are so empty inside that they are pursuing anything and everything to fill this huge void they feel inside and nothing satisfies--not money, not fame, not anything, except a relationship with Jesus.
I get the whole disappointment with religion view. But there is a difference between religion and a relationship with Jesus. A personal relationship with Jesus is far from a crutch. He is real and does indeed give you true meaning. To know that you were actually created deliberately and for a purpose is quite awe inspiring. Just read Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible if you were to drop it).. Every single day of our life was known by God before we lived one of them. God loves us, regardless of the love of our parents. Read the book of John (4th little book in the New Testament about ¾ the way through the Bible. There’s man-made religion and then there’s God, who created the world and sent Jesus to save us from the mess we’ve made of our lives. That’s not a crutch, that’s a solution.
Okay, now for Brad Pitt's other view about God and ego when he said “I didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”
First, I find this humorous coming from a celebrity, when Pitt himself admitted he pursued acting for fame. You pursue fame for ego. I’m not judging that as bad. I’m just making a point.
When I (Victorya) was a little girl I had a vivid imagination, especially when playing with my Barbie dolls. I remember one time I was trying to understand God when I actually pondered this very topic that Brad Pitt talked about and I came to a complete different conclusion. I was thinking about how much fun I was having creating this whole little world for my Barbie, Ken and Skipper dolls (I mean I had the camper, the house, the pool and the whole bit) and I started thinking—“Hey I’m doing this all so they can have a really great time and be really comfortable, and live happily ever after.” Then I thought, “What if they started making fun of me and giving credit to someone else for what I did for them and not appreciating anything I did for them. In fact instead, they complained all the time that they wanted more and they hated me and pretended I didn’t exist….hmmm, I would just stop playing with them. In fact, I’d get rid of my dolls and have nothing more to do with them, so there.”
This was the thought of me as an 8 year old girl, but I still remember it. And I wasn’t thinking that was because my ego was bruised. I was thinking about God and how we treat him. I was thinking “Wow, if God really created us and we all keep treated Him the way we do and talking bad about Him and not appreciating Him and we keep giving any and everyone ELSE the credit, it is amazing that God just hasn’t blown us all up yet, because we deserve it. That is amazing love that He gives us with all these 2nd chances when we don’t deserve it. And to think He sent Jesus, His only son to DIE for us when we were making fun of Him. That is crazy love. But the Bible says God did exactly that. That is far from ego. That’s giving undeserved love, also known as grace, and something I am honored to receive. Anyone who asks Jesus to come in and live in them will be welcomed home just like me. That well known verse John 3:16 and the one that follows it John 3:17 tells it all—For God loved us so much that he sent his son to die for us and if he believe in him, we’ll be His. Then He clarified that He didn’t send Jesus from some ego or to destroy or condemn us but to save us from ourselves.
Forget religion, crutches or other symptom relief. If you have an emptiness inside, get to know Jesus. He promises to save you.
Here's my rebuttal, as I'll address both sides of Brad Pitt's view of God and religion. First, about religion being a crutch, to some people that would be a correct analysis. There are many elements of religion that can be considered a crutch--sympton relief as I would call it. And symptom relief is an epidemic today. Symptom relief is sought in religion, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, relationships, anti-depresants, affairs, careers, fame, movies, money, distractions, busy-ness, really ANYTHING that distracts you from thinking about your problems, sadness or emptiness at any given time is symptom relief or "a crutch." So many people are so empty inside that they are pursuing anything and everything to fill this huge void they feel inside and nothing satisfies--not money, not fame, not anything, except a relationship with Jesus.
I get the whole disappointment with religion view. But there is a difference between religion and a relationship with Jesus. A personal relationship with Jesus is far from a crutch. He is real and does indeed give you true meaning. To know that you were actually created deliberately and for a purpose is quite awe inspiring. Just read Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible if you were to drop it).. Every single day of our life was known by God before we lived one of them. God loves us, regardless of the love of our parents. Read the book of John (4th little book in the New Testament about ¾ the way through the Bible. There’s man-made religion and then there’s God, who created the world and sent Jesus to save us from the mess we’ve made of our lives. That’s not a crutch, that’s a solution.
Okay, now for Brad Pitt's other view about God and ego when he said “I didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”
First, I find this humorous coming from a celebrity, when Pitt himself admitted he pursued acting for fame. You pursue fame for ego. I’m not judging that as bad. I’m just making a point.
When I (Victorya) was a little girl I had a vivid imagination, especially when playing with my Barbie dolls. I remember one time I was trying to understand God when I actually pondered this very topic that Brad Pitt talked about and I came to a complete different conclusion. I was thinking about how much fun I was having creating this whole little world for my Barbie, Ken and Skipper dolls (I mean I had the camper, the house, the pool and the whole bit) and I started thinking—“Hey I’m doing this all so they can have a really great time and be really comfortable, and live happily ever after.” Then I thought, “What if they started making fun of me and giving credit to someone else for what I did for them and not appreciating anything I did for them. In fact instead, they complained all the time that they wanted more and they hated me and pretended I didn’t exist….hmmm, I would just stop playing with them. In fact, I’d get rid of my dolls and have nothing more to do with them, so there.”
This was the thought of me as an 8 year old girl, but I still remember it. And I wasn’t thinking that was because my ego was bruised. I was thinking about God and how we treat him. I was thinking “Wow, if God really created us and we all keep treated Him the way we do and talking bad about Him and not appreciating Him and we keep giving any and everyone ELSE the credit, it is amazing that God just hasn’t blown us all up yet, because we deserve it. That is amazing love that He gives us with all these 2nd chances when we don’t deserve it. And to think He sent Jesus, His only son to DIE for us when we were making fun of Him. That is crazy love. But the Bible says God did exactly that. That is far from ego. That’s giving undeserved love, also known as grace, and something I am honored to receive. Anyone who asks Jesus to come in and live in them will be welcomed home just like me. That well known verse John 3:16 and the one that follows it John 3:17 tells it all—For God loved us so much that he sent his son to die for us and if he believe in him, we’ll be His. Then He clarified that He didn’t send Jesus from some ego or to destroy or condemn us but to save us from ourselves.
Forget religion, crutches or other symptom relief. If you have an emptiness inside, get to know Jesus. He promises to save you.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
YOU Can Get an Automatic 2nd Date!
Today is the day. The Automatic 2nd Date hit bookstores everywhere. Check it out and tell your friends. Now you will know everything to do and say on a first date to guarantee a second. PLUS there are many pages on where to FIND your next date and how to flirt with him to compel him to walk right on over and ask you out!
Victorya Rogers
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Back in the Dating Game after Divorce?
Perhaps the most confusing, insecure and scary time to date is right after the dust has settled on a divorce. I mean, what do you do? You've been married for so long and many of you have not been on a date in decades--yikes! What do you do? I was recently asked these very questions by MSN and Match.com. Here's the article and my answers How to Ace First Dates. Hint--hold back, don't tell him all about your horrible ex and whatever you do, don't put out!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
The Automatic 2nd Date (comes out TOMORROW, October 17
Victorya Michaels Rogers
The Automatic 2nd Date (comes out TOMORROW, October 17
Friday, September 28, 2007
Don't Go BROKE Breaking Up
You don't have to lose EVERYTHING when you break up! You can still walk away with at least your bank account and assets if you know what you are doing. The sad reality is that most couples who break up DON'T know how to protect their money and they're too angry with each other that they just don't care at the very time in their life they REALLY need to care.
Many of you reading my blogs are in the middle of a divorce right now. Having walked alongside several friends during some very ugly divorces, what I have witnessed as the messiest side of divorce is the money lost! Lawyers get rich and you go broke. USA TODAY has a great article offering guidance to people in the exact position you are in today. Click on this link and read the entire article so you don't GO BROKE while you're breaking up!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
Many of you reading my blogs are in the middle of a divorce right now. Having walked alongside several friends during some very ugly divorces, what I have witnessed as the messiest side of divorce is the money lost! Lawyers get rich and you go broke. USA TODAY has a great article offering guidance to people in the exact position you are in today. Click on this link and read the entire article so you don't GO BROKE while you're breaking up!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Exactly WHY We Blow Our Love Life
Wow, I’ve continued to get emails from my July blog about the girls on Bret Michaels dating show Rock of Love. This partial email from Cassie, one of my active readers, sums up those sympathetic to Bret Michaels contestants:
Cassie said, “Don’t you understand why we make the bad decisions we make in relationships? Does love really matter? All love has brought me was a continual test of forgiveness and misery. I have a place inside that is so longing for stability and a different path so much that you question your values and what you really are as far as self respect. I don’t feel desperate but the idea of a different future is enough to make anyone coming out of a bad relationship long for a quick fix like a man with money and status, regardless of whether we get along or if there is a future of companionship and a peaceful environment.”
My response to all the hurting women who find themselves in the same place as Cassie or the Bret Michaels girls (and I KNOW that is a lot of you) is that Yes! I understand why you do what you do. That is why I do what I do—write books and advice columns and coach many of you individually. Because you want one thing and your actions are bringing you something else. I want to shake you and wake you up so you CAN get what you really want. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel like love “sucks” and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But, for starters, if you would only write out your feelings as Cassie did above and then READ IT BACK to yourself out loud so you can see how self destructive you are being and how much of a vicious circle you are choosing to remain in.
Note that Cassie said basically “I want a man with money to solve all my problems and I don’t care if I like him, he likes me, or if there is any future.”
Well yes, you do care, if not now, you will soon enough. And you will reconfirm how love “sucks” as soon as he rips your heart out because he will not make your dreams come true. He will only disappoint. If you are fed up with love, I say you are in a great place. Give it up for now and work on YOU. Stop the madness. Stop rushing towards a quick fix (which doesn’t work) and work on YOU and fall in love with YOU and find out what your dreams really are and pursue them. It is far better to live the life of your dreams alone than keep run from them with person after person who lets you down. And guess what? When you actively pursue the life you really want to live, a better companion for you will appear. And if he doesn’t you will be so content alone, you will be just fine with that!
Cassie said, “Don’t you understand why we make the bad decisions we make in relationships? Does love really matter? All love has brought me was a continual test of forgiveness and misery. I have a place inside that is so longing for stability and a different path so much that you question your values and what you really are as far as self respect. I don’t feel desperate but the idea of a different future is enough to make anyone coming out of a bad relationship long for a quick fix like a man with money and status, regardless of whether we get along or if there is a future of companionship and a peaceful environment.”
My response to all the hurting women who find themselves in the same place as Cassie or the Bret Michaels girls (and I KNOW that is a lot of you) is that Yes! I understand why you do what you do. That is why I do what I do—write books and advice columns and coach many of you individually. Because you want one thing and your actions are bringing you something else. I want to shake you and wake you up so you CAN get what you really want. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel like love “sucks” and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But, for starters, if you would only write out your feelings as Cassie did above and then READ IT BACK to yourself out loud so you can see how self destructive you are being and how much of a vicious circle you are choosing to remain in.
Note that Cassie said basically “I want a man with money to solve all my problems and I don’t care if I like him, he likes me, or if there is any future.”
Well yes, you do care, if not now, you will soon enough. And you will reconfirm how love “sucks” as soon as he rips your heart out because he will not make your dreams come true. He will only disappoint. If you are fed up with love, I say you are in a great place. Give it up for now and work on YOU. Stop the madness. Stop rushing towards a quick fix (which doesn’t work) and work on YOU and fall in love with YOU and find out what your dreams really are and pursue them. It is far better to live the life of your dreams alone than keep run from them with person after person who lets you down. And guess what? When you actively pursue the life you really want to live, a better companion for you will appear. And if he doesn’t you will be so content alone, you will be just fine with that!
Friday, August 31, 2007
John Lennon, Owen Wilson and August
John Lennon once said “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” So true, way too often, for most of us. We need occasional wake-up calls to remind us of why we are here and to inspire those unsure to find out. It’s just that the wake-up calls are rarely welcome. For much of Hollywood last week it was the attempted suicide of Owen Wilson, a popular movie star who seemed to have the world at his feet. If someone with everything is despondent…
Overall August was a tough month. One of my readers’ fiancé was tragically killed in a car accident just 10 miles from my house; a precious young mom with 3 kids lost her battle with cancer at just 36; I lost my Grandpa after 5 years living with Alzheimer, my niece lost her Grandpa, the beloved Pastor from my youth. And lastly a very close family friend’s cancer returned and now she’s back in the midst of intense chemo.
The other night I watched the new DVD “The Ultimate Gift”. It was a great book and well done adaptation to a movie. It’s worth renting, by the way. The thought provoking film got me thinking about priorities, how much we take for granted and how spoiled we Americans truly are…
Then last night I pondered “What would I REALLY do today if right now, at this moment, I had no guarantee I’d live until Christmas just 3 months away. Sure I’ve thought about that whenever I’d heard last year’s number one hit “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. But it really pierced me last night as I prayed for my dear friend Johnnie who goes to chemo today.
Death can come anywhere, anytime to anyone. And that includes each of us. None of us has a guarantee of Christmas this year. We don’t even have a guarantee we’ll make it until dinner tonight. So I’m writing today’s blog in honor of Johnnie. Will you allow God to use her pain today as a gift of life for you? If what that famous Beatle said is true and life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, then what does your life reveal? Are you living like you want or missing out because of distractions and plans and fear you won’t get what you want so you hold on so tight to “whatever” that you don’t open your eyes to the life right in front of you?
Let go and forgive someone you’ve wasted energy withholding forgiveness from; take the first step toward that dream you’ve placed on hold for whatever valid excuse; call that friend you’ve put off calling; tell your family you love them, hey, and ask God why you’re here. He promises an answer if you’d only ask.
Overall August was a tough month. One of my readers’ fiancé was tragically killed in a car accident just 10 miles from my house; a precious young mom with 3 kids lost her battle with cancer at just 36; I lost my Grandpa after 5 years living with Alzheimer, my niece lost her Grandpa, the beloved Pastor from my youth. And lastly a very close family friend’s cancer returned and now she’s back in the midst of intense chemo.
The other night I watched the new DVD “The Ultimate Gift”. It was a great book and well done adaptation to a movie. It’s worth renting, by the way. The thought provoking film got me thinking about priorities, how much we take for granted and how spoiled we Americans truly are…
Then last night I pondered “What would I REALLY do today if right now, at this moment, I had no guarantee I’d live until Christmas just 3 months away. Sure I’ve thought about that whenever I’d heard last year’s number one hit “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. But it really pierced me last night as I prayed for my dear friend Johnnie who goes to chemo today.
Death can come anywhere, anytime to anyone. And that includes each of us. None of us has a guarantee of Christmas this year. We don’t even have a guarantee we’ll make it until dinner tonight. So I’m writing today’s blog in honor of Johnnie. Will you allow God to use her pain today as a gift of life for you? If what that famous Beatle said is true and life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, then what does your life reveal? Are you living like you want or missing out because of distractions and plans and fear you won’t get what you want so you hold on so tight to “whatever” that you don’t open your eyes to the life right in front of you?
Let go and forgive someone you’ve wasted energy withholding forgiveness from; take the first step toward that dream you’ve placed on hold for whatever valid excuse; call that friend you’ve put off calling; tell your family you love them, hey, and ask God why you’re here. He promises an answer if you’d only ask.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Scott Baio, Johnny V and Your Friends
I promised to blog more about Scott Baio's show. One more episode left. Will he propose or walk away from his longtime girlfriend?
For any of you who have seen even one episode of VH'1's reality show Scott Baio is 45 and Single, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize he has a toxic friendship with Johnny V, a buddy since his teens. Clearly Johnny's own words and actions make it clear that he is using Scott merely for hook-ups with women and has no apparent capacity to care about Scott's needs or best interests. Needless to say, Johnny V is extremely threatened by the possibility of Scott growing up and giving up his womanizing ways because that will leave Johnny without Scott and thus dateless. Sadly, Johnny V does everything he can to sabotage Scott's attempts at turning his life around. Not only did he make a large bet that Scott would fail to remain celibate for the six weeks, he also constantly and shamelessly threw other women into Scott face to lure him into failure. Johnny V is not a true friend. Hopefully after watching the footage of the show Scott will see his friend for who he is. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what has been happening right in front of you.
This blog isn't just about Scott Baio. It is about you. Is there a friend in YOUR life who is not really your friend? Perhaps you've had this friend in your life for years and years and she is always pulling you down, influencing you to do what you know not to do or don't want to do, yet you go along just because. Ed Young Jr. did an entire series last year entitled "I Had These Friends." What a powerful message it was! He encouraged us all to think back over our lives and trouble we've gotten into (and we've all done SOMETHING wrong in our lives). Most likely it can be traced back to the influence of a friend you chose to hang with, even when you knew better. Talk to ex-cons (I have) and they will tell you the same excuse… "I had these friends".
Is there someone in your life who pretends to care about you, yet deep down you always feel bad about yourself when she is around? Does she criticize, discourage or sabotage most every move or effort you make toward change? Maybe it is time for you to do what Scott Baio finally did, and cut your ties with this friend. Sure it will hurt. This is real life and deep feelings are involved, especially if it is a long term relationship. But if your friend truly is toxic for you, your life without her is exactly what you need to achieve the life you were meant to live!
For more relationship tips, check my blogs weekly.
For any of you who have seen even one episode of VH'1's reality show Scott Baio is 45 and Single, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize he has a toxic friendship with Johnny V, a buddy since his teens. Clearly Johnny's own words and actions make it clear that he is using Scott merely for hook-ups with women and has no apparent capacity to care about Scott's needs or best interests. Needless to say, Johnny V is extremely threatened by the possibility of Scott growing up and giving up his womanizing ways because that will leave Johnny without Scott and thus dateless. Sadly, Johnny V does everything he can to sabotage Scott's attempts at turning his life around. Not only did he make a large bet that Scott would fail to remain celibate for the six weeks, he also constantly and shamelessly threw other women into Scott face to lure him into failure. Johnny V is not a true friend. Hopefully after watching the footage of the show Scott will see his friend for who he is. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what has been happening right in front of you.
This blog isn't just about Scott Baio. It is about you. Is there a friend in YOUR life who is not really your friend? Perhaps you've had this friend in your life for years and years and she is always pulling you down, influencing you to do what you know not to do or don't want to do, yet you go along just because. Ed Young Jr. did an entire series last year entitled "I Had These Friends." What a powerful message it was! He encouraged us all to think back over our lives and trouble we've gotten into (and we've all done SOMETHING wrong in our lives). Most likely it can be traced back to the influence of a friend you chose to hang with, even when you knew better. Talk to ex-cons (I have) and they will tell you the same excuse… "I had these friends".
Is there someone in your life who pretends to care about you, yet deep down you always feel bad about yourself when she is around? Does she criticize, discourage or sabotage most every move or effort you make toward change? Maybe it is time for you to do what Scott Baio finally did, and cut your ties with this friend. Sure it will hurt. This is real life and deep feelings are involved, especially if it is a long term relationship. But if your friend truly is toxic for you, your life without her is exactly what you need to achieve the life you were meant to live!
For more relationship tips, check my blogs weekly.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
When your girlfriend pulls a Denise Richards
I got a few emails along the same theme recently and thought it merited a blog to all. Sadly, like me, many of you have been in this unfortunate place of betrayal: You’re dating a guy or in a committed relationship, or worse, you’re married to him, and a close friend makes a move on your man. Oh, of course she defends herself and says “It just happened” or “He came on to me” or “I thought you two were over...” Blah, blah, blah.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Scott Baio, Past Boyrfriends and Hope for Getting Over it
Can a commit-phobic bachelor be reformed? That is what Scott Baio is trying to find out in his VH-1 reality show “Scott Baio is 45 and Single.” Contrary to the show airing right before it, this one is good! It’s amazing how two of Pamela Anderson’s ex-flames can have back-to-back reality shows on the same network, and yet be two extremely different shows.
Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.
I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.
This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!
For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.
If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.
I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.
Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.
I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.
This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!
For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.
If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.
I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Rock of Love? Oh Please, Have a Little Respect for the Word
Okay, so some friends just got back from Rocklahoma along with 50,000 other people to see their favorite ‘80s rock bands, including Poison (heavy metal was never my personal thing so I passed). Thinking about their weekend, I just happened to see a promo for Poison’s lead singer Bret Michaels new reality dating show Rock of Love and decided to TiVo it. (http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love/series.jhtml)
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Please STOP! You're Freaking Him Out
I just wanted to tap her on the shoulder
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Are You Numb from the Head Down?
Tried of walking all over your men?
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Nooooo, Not Another Wedding Invitation!
It's wedding season--hurray. Or is it a drag for you? If you get anxiety when those wedding invitations show up, there is no need to fear. It's all in perspective! Weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s a perfect place to meet your mate. Here's are my tips for single gals going to weddings:
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Monday, June 04, 2007
Are You Insane?
Within one hour I got three emails from ladies that compelled me to just shake my head in frustration. Girlfriends, you’ve got to snap out of it. As Benjamin Franklin said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you are constantly disappointed by guys and have found yourself today convinced there are no good ones out there, it could just be that you are doing the same thing over and over again. You know what I’m talking about, just hanging out, going to clubs, living your life and when someone notices you or catches your eye, bingo it’s love at first sight, that is until he rips your heart out.
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Best Place to Meet Single Dads?
According to a brand new survey , the best place to meet single dads these days seems to be online. This interesting article found on the online dating site True.com included data from interviews with over 5000 single dads asking them why they were choosing to date on line and what the perks were for them as opposed to traditional dating. Check it out. It's always intriguing to hear men's perspective.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Go Ahead Make His Day
Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all are enjoying a day with friends and family to relax and eat All American favorite like Hamburgers and Hot Dogs. We are so thrilled to get a day off that too often we forget to pay attention to what each holiday means, especially this one.
Now if you are like most women, we just have this THING for men in uniforms. I mean they look so handsome and brave and protective… Yet, seldom do we stop and think that men in the military really do put their very lives on the line for us. They (and their families) sacrifice for us so we can continue living in this country with the freedom, comfort, and lifestyle we so take for granted.
I heard an amazing statistic yesterday. In the history of United States, during times of war, 43 million Americans have put on their uniform to defend our freedom. 2.79% of those 43 million gave their lives while doing so.
If you see a man (or woman) in uniform, especially today, walk over to them and say “Thank You”. If you know someone who spent time or currently is in the military tell them you appreciate what they do. If you see someone at a restaurant wearing a ball-cap or t-shirt revealing they were in the armed services, go out of your way to say Thank You.
I was at a luncheon last year and heard a man tell his story of how God has miraculously saved his life during a fierce and bloody tour of Vietnam. Many of his friends died in front of him, yet he made it home with a bullet hole and a limp. By the end of his talk he broke down in tears. Alive but wounded, he did not come home to parades of thanks. Rather Vietnam Vets were treated at best by being ignored, at worse by being ridiculed by fellow Americans against that particular war. The reason for his tears today? He was eating breakfast in a small café that very morning and had been wearing his favorite hat that said Vietnam Vet. A lady came over to his table and said “Thank you for serving our country!” That is all she said and walked away. Sobs began to drench his table at that small café. You see he had been home from war 35 years and this was the VERY FIRST American who had thanked him for putting his life on the line for her!
I don’t care if you are for the War on Terror or against it today, whether you were for Vietnam or against Vietnam, or any other war where Americans defended our freedom. Make our veterans and active military’s day by thanking them! Honor them for what they gave up for you even though they don’t know you! It only takes two words uttered from your mouth to honor those who protect us. Make their day—say THANK YOU--today and every day you pass one who served!
Lastly for you who have family members serving our country—thank you for the sacrifices you make each and every day while they are in harms way.
Happy Memorial Day. We honor you!
Now if you are like most women, we just have this THING for men in uniforms. I mean they look so handsome and brave and protective… Yet, seldom do we stop and think that men in the military really do put their very lives on the line for us. They (and their families) sacrifice for us so we can continue living in this country with the freedom, comfort, and lifestyle we so take for granted.
I heard an amazing statistic yesterday. In the history of United States, during times of war, 43 million Americans have put on their uniform to defend our freedom. 2.79% of those 43 million gave their lives while doing so.
If you see a man (or woman) in uniform, especially today, walk over to them and say “Thank You”. If you know someone who spent time or currently is in the military tell them you appreciate what they do. If you see someone at a restaurant wearing a ball-cap or t-shirt revealing they were in the armed services, go out of your way to say Thank You.
I was at a luncheon last year and heard a man tell his story of how God has miraculously saved his life during a fierce and bloody tour of Vietnam. Many of his friends died in front of him, yet he made it home with a bullet hole and a limp. By the end of his talk he broke down in tears. Alive but wounded, he did not come home to parades of thanks. Rather Vietnam Vets were treated at best by being ignored, at worse by being ridiculed by fellow Americans against that particular war. The reason for his tears today? He was eating breakfast in a small café that very morning and had been wearing his favorite hat that said Vietnam Vet. A lady came over to his table and said “Thank you for serving our country!” That is all she said and walked away. Sobs began to drench his table at that small café. You see he had been home from war 35 years and this was the VERY FIRST American who had thanked him for putting his life on the line for her!
I don’t care if you are for the War on Terror or against it today, whether you were for Vietnam or against Vietnam, or any other war where Americans defended our freedom. Make our veterans and active military’s day by thanking them! Honor them for what they gave up for you even though they don’t know you! It only takes two words uttered from your mouth to honor those who protect us. Make their day—say THANK YOU--today and every day you pass one who served!
Lastly for you who have family members serving our country—thank you for the sacrifices you make each and every day while they are in harms way.
Happy Memorial Day. We honor you!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Jordan vs Blake--Is Winning Everything?
Jordan Sparks was my choice from very early in the season, so I was very pleased to see her crowned American Idol on last night's season finale.(http://www.americanidol.com/videos/view/?vid=776).
Jordan is young, talented and if top songwriters choose her (as they did Carrie Underwood http://www.carrieunderwoodofficial.com/) to record their next big hits, she'll have a long career.
Do you have to win it all to win? Are you a failure if you get into the top 2 like
Blake Lewis and stop short of the prize? Not on American Idol and not in the dating world either, because sometimes losing the top prize offers you more freedom so you can pursue exactly the life you want.
I'm sure Blake is encouraged by 2006 4th runner up Chris Daughtry's chart topping debut album with 2 number one hits and already selling 2 million copies (http://www.daughtryofficial.com/). Especially since clearly the chosen single for this year's winner would not have reached the charts if he was singing it—it wasn't his style. Same thing happened two years ago with Bo Bice http://bobice.com/—the song just wasn't appropriate for his voice—kinda uncool, but that is how life is sometimes.
So what does being runner up have to do with love? Are you a failure if you are runner up at love (you know the guy you thought was the end all be all chooses someone else. It doesn't have to mean that you failed at all. Let time be the revealer. I was "runner up" with at least 4 ex boyfriends and oh my, did that rip my heart out each time! BUT I moved on, kept faith there was someone out there for me, and thank God for unanswered prayers! All 4 of those guys ended up being far from the right one for me (10 to 20 years later all 4 of them have had real relationship drama. One of them finally got it together and at least seems to have a good 2nd marriage, the other 4 are rumored to be a mess. I have been happily married to my keeper for going on ten years.
I'm so thrilled I was merely runner up at least 4 times in my life! How about you?
Jordan is young, talented and if top songwriters choose her (as they did Carrie Underwood http://www.carrieunderwoodofficial.com/) to record their next big hits, she'll have a long career.
Do you have to win it all to win? Are you a failure if you get into the top 2 like
Blake Lewis and stop short of the prize? Not on American Idol and not in the dating world either, because sometimes losing the top prize offers you more freedom so you can pursue exactly the life you want.
I'm sure Blake is encouraged by 2006 4th runner up Chris Daughtry's chart topping debut album with 2 number one hits and already selling 2 million copies (http://www.daughtryofficial.com/). Especially since clearly the chosen single for this year's winner would not have reached the charts if he was singing it—it wasn't his style. Same thing happened two years ago with Bo Bice http://bobice.com/—the song just wasn't appropriate for his voice—kinda uncool, but that is how life is sometimes.
So what does being runner up have to do with love? Are you a failure if you are runner up at love (you know the guy you thought was the end all be all chooses someone else. It doesn't have to mean that you failed at all. Let time be the revealer. I was "runner up" with at least 4 ex boyfriends and oh my, did that rip my heart out each time! BUT I moved on, kept faith there was someone out there for me, and thank God for unanswered prayers! All 4 of those guys ended up being far from the right one for me (10 to 20 years later all 4 of them have had real relationship drama. One of them finally got it together and at least seems to have a good 2nd marriage, the other 4 are rumored to be a mess. I have been happily married to my keeper for going on ten years.
I'm so thrilled I was merely runner up at least 4 times in my life! How about you?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Wanna Get Him Back?
Want to know how to get him back after you're (temporarily) rejected? Take it from Bevin—the rejected runner-up on this year's The Bachelor (http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/). Last night on the "After the Rose" episode she handled herself so well I just wanted to hug her. She did not attack Lt. Andy, she had not grown bitter. She simply wished him the best, let him know how she felt and gave him permission to move on. What good does that do? Wonders! Trust me. It leaves him doubting his decision to leave. You see when you let him go when he's gone already, you are just accepting what's already done rather than fighting what can't be changed in the immediate here and now. What you GAIN is that your man leaves thinking "Wow, I thought she'd hate me and she's okay with this? Wow, maybe I was wrong…" No matter how painful letting go is for you, force yourself to be classy in the face of rejection. You leave the door open for him to come back at some point in the future—that might be a week or a year. Either way, when it happens the ball will be in YOUR court. You see, you are a magnetic woman who faces your own pain, mourns your loss, then moves on with your life. So when your ex comes back you may or may not want him back depending on where you are in your life at that point. What a great place to be! Believe me that has happened to me on several occasions and you know what? I didn't want them back when they came back because I was able to see them for who they really were—and they weren't men worth keeping!
To read more tips on love:
blog.myspace.com/victoryarogers
victoryarogers.blogspot.com
To read more tips on love:
blog.myspace.com/victoryarogers
victoryarogers.blogspot.com
She Darted in the Middle of Heavy Traffic!
I was driving home this morning from dropping my daughter off at school. There was a lady pulled over trying to call over a well-groomed (surely much-loved), collar-wearing, wayward dog running happily and carelessly off toward a busy, crazy intersection. I gasped and held my breath. Whew, she stopped at the light and looked around, seeming to wise up to the danger.
The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.
It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!
Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?
The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.
It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!
Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Ugh, My TV Broke and I Really Loved It
First off, sorry about the last blog being just a photo of me. I was trying to upload my new headshot and instead it went out as a blog. I'll figure it out soon and it will replace the old one you see here.
Here's my words for the day: Our flat screen TV broke last week while still under warranty since we’ve only had it 6 months. We really loved that TV—it fit perfectly in the wall space carved out for a large screen TV. We loved the picture and we’d invested so much to acquire it, but it just broke. So we called Best Buy and they said we can come in and just pick a replacement since they don’t carry that one anymore. Cool right? We tried one—the top rated brand at that—and it just wasn’t the same. We whined and mourned and shopped and shopped until we finally made our choice and replaced our old one.
Why am I rambling on about my TV dilemma? Thanks to several emails from Myspace friends complaining about disappointment in old and new boyfriends during the same 3 day process of looking for my new TV, I couldn’t help but compare a perfectly fitting TV to searching for a perfectly fitting man.
Have you ever caught yourself yearning for an old love and comparing him to every new one that comes along, even though he was broken and definitely not good for you? The problem with that is when time has passed from a broken relationship we forget all the bad stuff and simply idealize the fantasy of the good.
Sure your ex had good qualities or you would have never seen him in the first place, right? BUT, did his bad outweigh his good? I mean my TV was broken and not able to be fixed, I had to move on or I wouldn’t be watching TV. Was your relationship so broken that you weren’t relating anymore? Was he too different from you or did he treat you badly? Was he abusive? Did he lack the important qualities on you crave for your ideal mate? If that was so, no matter how much you liked him or how addicted you still feel to him you have to move on if you want to find true love.
Feel the hurt. Mourn, whine, even sulk. But choose a time period for that (a few days, weeks or months) then let go and continue living your life so you can be free to fully love the right guy when he appears.
It’s just not fair to compare every new guy to a fantasy (the unrealistic memory of a fallen relationship). Yes, ABSOLUTELY you need to keep to the standard of the GOOD qualities the ex had that are on your must-have list for your ideal mate!
But remember that every man, including your ex, has faults. I’m definitely not telling you to settle for less than the best. I just want you to pay attention to exactly what you are getting—the good and the bad—and determine at that point if the man in front of you right now is one to keep or one to replace. Every relationship comes as a whole package—the good, the bad and the ugly. (Hey, we’re far from perfect as well). The only person to change someone is the person himself. So don’t choose your mate because he has potential, choose him for what he is today. If your relationship is not fixable, walk away while you’re still under warranty (before the wedding). As hard as it is to say goodbye while dating, it is no comparison to splitting up after you’ve married!
Here's my words for the day: Our flat screen TV broke last week while still under warranty since we’ve only had it 6 months. We really loved that TV—it fit perfectly in the wall space carved out for a large screen TV. We loved the picture and we’d invested so much to acquire it, but it just broke. So we called Best Buy and they said we can come in and just pick a replacement since they don’t carry that one anymore. Cool right? We tried one—the top rated brand at that—and it just wasn’t the same. We whined and mourned and shopped and shopped until we finally made our choice and replaced our old one.
Why am I rambling on about my TV dilemma? Thanks to several emails from Myspace friends complaining about disappointment in old and new boyfriends during the same 3 day process of looking for my new TV, I couldn’t help but compare a perfectly fitting TV to searching for a perfectly fitting man.
Have you ever caught yourself yearning for an old love and comparing him to every new one that comes along, even though he was broken and definitely not good for you? The problem with that is when time has passed from a broken relationship we forget all the bad stuff and simply idealize the fantasy of the good.
Sure your ex had good qualities or you would have never seen him in the first place, right? BUT, did his bad outweigh his good? I mean my TV was broken and not able to be fixed, I had to move on or I wouldn’t be watching TV. Was your relationship so broken that you weren’t relating anymore? Was he too different from you or did he treat you badly? Was he abusive? Did he lack the important qualities on you crave for your ideal mate? If that was so, no matter how much you liked him or how addicted you still feel to him you have to move on if you want to find true love.
Feel the hurt. Mourn, whine, even sulk. But choose a time period for that (a few days, weeks or months) then let go and continue living your life so you can be free to fully love the right guy when he appears.
It’s just not fair to compare every new guy to a fantasy (the unrealistic memory of a fallen relationship). Yes, ABSOLUTELY you need to keep to the standard of the GOOD qualities the ex had that are on your must-have list for your ideal mate!
But remember that every man, including your ex, has faults. I’m definitely not telling you to settle for less than the best. I just want you to pay attention to exactly what you are getting—the good and the bad—and determine at that point if the man in front of you right now is one to keep or one to replace. Every relationship comes as a whole package—the good, the bad and the ugly. (Hey, we’re far from perfect as well). The only person to change someone is the person himself. So don’t choose your mate because he has potential, choose him for what he is today. If your relationship is not fixable, walk away while you’re still under warranty (before the wedding). As hard as it is to say goodbye while dating, it is no comparison to splitting up after you’ve married!
Monday, May 14, 2007
To all the Single Moms out There!
I hope you had an extra special Mother’s Day this year. I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms because aside from rarely, if ever, getting a break or “me” time, Single Moms also frequently get overlooked on Mother’s Day when their children are young because there’s not a Dad to remember to help the kids do something special for Mom. If your little ones forgot to pamper you yesterday, just know that it had nothing to do with any lack of love for their Mom. You are special and appreciated more than you know. Thank you for all that you do—all the hard work, the extra doses of love you pour into your kids when you'd rather sit down and relax, and each and every sacrifice you make. You will be rewarded one day. As the good book says: What you sow you reap; what you put out will come back to you. It may not be overnight, but it will be in due season. You will reap the harvest as you see your precious little one grow up.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I'm Sooooo Glad It's Over
I had an appointment today to meet a new photographer for the back cover of my new book “The Automatic Second Date”. We’ve had several phone conversations and each time we talked (or he left a voice message) I got this very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guy talked down to me and was confrontational over little things (I mean this was a business relationship for photos mind you. What could be confrontational about that?). After he shamed me at length for needing directions to his office, I got to his place and was quickly told off for ringing the doorbell instead of knocking (Okay, who knew?). The guy looked just like an old boyfriend—a verbally abusive boyfriend at that. What are the odds?
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Rah Rah Sisterhood
Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
What If You Are Wrong?
I hear it almost every day from single women of all shapes and sizes: “All guys are creeps” or “I just want to find one man who is not a jerk” or some other version of the same story. Having been there, said that a time or two during my single years, I have a profound question for you who currently feel this way:
What if you Are Wrong?
Could it be time for a reality check? Could it just MAYBE be that your own perspective about the male population is actually wrong and yet because you have convinced yourself you are RIGHT to think boy are brats you have this Male GPS (you know an inner global positioning satellite that tracks down bad guys) seeming to prove you right? I mean, wouldn’t it really be humbling yet awesome if guys weren’t as horrible as you think they are? Wouldn’t it be nice to be wrong every once in a while? Here’s your chance to get started finding men actually worth finding.
1. Pick up a pen and paper and write down how you currently feel about men in one page or two (without pausing until you’ve let your feeling out).
2. After you get it all out, the second step is to think back and write out your first bad experience with a boy that taught you that men were creeps (or whatever you just said about them).
3. Third, I want you to write out a sentence stating the opposite of your current belief (i.e. if you thought men were creeps, write “There are some great guys who will genuinely treat me great”). Keep working on that sentence until it describes what you hope to be true about the opposite sex, though you’ve not found it yet.
4. Ponder your friends and couples around you that you admire. Is there any real life examples of the type of guy you just described? (Hint—I actually found one and have been happily married for over 9 years, really!)
5. Put this sentence inside your day-timer, notebook, bible or someplace you’ll see it everyday and see if just maybe changing your own perspective might change your reality.
Victorya Michaels Rogers, Author Finding a Man Worth Keeping
www.finderskeepersclub.com; www.victoryarogers.com
What if you Are Wrong?
Could it be time for a reality check? Could it just MAYBE be that your own perspective about the male population is actually wrong and yet because you have convinced yourself you are RIGHT to think boy are brats you have this Male GPS (you know an inner global positioning satellite that tracks down bad guys) seeming to prove you right? I mean, wouldn’t it really be humbling yet awesome if guys weren’t as horrible as you think they are? Wouldn’t it be nice to be wrong every once in a while? Here’s your chance to get started finding men actually worth finding.
1. Pick up a pen and paper and write down how you currently feel about men in one page or two (without pausing until you’ve let your feeling out).
2. After you get it all out, the second step is to think back and write out your first bad experience with a boy that taught you that men were creeps (or whatever you just said about them).
3. Third, I want you to write out a sentence stating the opposite of your current belief (i.e. if you thought men were creeps, write “There are some great guys who will genuinely treat me great”). Keep working on that sentence until it describes what you hope to be true about the opposite sex, though you’ve not found it yet.
4. Ponder your friends and couples around you that you admire. Is there any real life examples of the type of guy you just described? (Hint—I actually found one and have been happily married for over 9 years, really!)
5. Put this sentence inside your day-timer, notebook, bible or someplace you’ll see it everyday and see if just maybe changing your own perspective might change your reality.
Victorya Michaels Rogers, Author Finding a Man Worth Keeping
www.finderskeepersclub.com; www.victoryarogers.com
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Ooh I Wish I Could Take That Back!
Has this ever happened to you? You find you have this yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach from guilt or regret over something you did in the pursuit of love? Perhaps you’ve crossed a personal boundary and went farther than you wanted and your conscience is not letting you off the hook. American Idol contestant Antonella Barba is feeling that pain this week after “friends” released compromising photos she allegedly made for her boyfriend. What is hidden in the closet most always eventually comes out.
How much easier life would be if we thought things through before we acted! Unfortunately we can’t take things back. So here’s your chance to think before you act. Spring break is here for some and soon for others. So girlfriends, PLEASE think before you act this week, especially if you find yourself at some spring break vacation spot with a ton of other students. There are people out there just looking to mess up your life and temp you to do things I promise you will regret later. Have you ever heard of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? Spring Break is one of the seasons they tape those shows because that is when they find young, intoxicated girls looking for fun and attention. Don’t get caught off guard.
How much easier life would be if we thought things through before we acted! Unfortunately we can’t take things back. So here’s your chance to think before you act. Spring break is here for some and soon for others. So girlfriends, PLEASE think before you act this week, especially if you find yourself at some spring break vacation spot with a ton of other students. There are people out there just looking to mess up your life and temp you to do things I promise you will regret later. Have you ever heard of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? Spring Break is one of the seasons they tape those shows because that is when they find young, intoxicated girls looking for fun and attention. Don’t get caught off guard.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Do you Suffer the Britney Syndrome?
Cut the girl some slack. Come on now, don’t we all have a little Britney syndrome in us? My heart truly goes out to Britney Spears. Yes she’s spiraling out of control, that is clearly no secret. It’s devastating for any woman to go through a break-up. It’s exponentially harder to go through it in the pubic arena with the paparazzi capturing every moment on film. Ladies when we’ve had our heart ripped out of us we don’t always make the right choices on how to live through the pain. Unfortunately, Britney has chosen to seek revenge by partying all night, hanging with the wrong friends, adding tattoos and shaving her head. She’s become obsessed with attempting to show her ex she can live and smile without him. But you know what? She may have a pasted on a smile but she’s devastated and crying out for help on the inside.
It just breaks my heart that Britney is choosing the wrong friends to help her through. We’ve all be there, haven’t we? None of us are perfect. I remember being dumped by a boyfriend for some blonde bombshell and I ran out that next day to “show him” and cut 12 inches off my hair above my neck—and my biggest asset used to be those long locks. How dumb was that? Hello…he dumped me and I was punishing him by cutting the hair he loved. Why would he care? He already left! But that is one of those silly examples of how irrational we ladies are when we hurt.
Love Lesson: When your heart is ripped right out of your chest, feel the pain, fall on your knees, cry, pray and mourn. That is healthy to do. Then write, write and write in your journal (I write my journal to God since I know he is actually reading it as I write and cares about me even when no man gives a rip). Most important, carefully chose healthy friends to spend time with who will lift you up rather than drag you down. This is the most difficult for celebrities when trust is a precious commodity among friends, acquaintances and hanger-ons, especially when every tabloid is pursuing your friends for a story with money dangling in front of them. Here’s some reading recommendations: My favorite scriptures for getting me through heartbreak: Psalm 139 (Old Testament), Jeremiah 29:11 and the book of Proverbs and Gospel of John (4th little book of the New Testament) and Roman 5:3-5. Books: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin Raphael McManus, Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.
It just breaks my heart that Britney is choosing the wrong friends to help her through. We’ve all be there, haven’t we? None of us are perfect. I remember being dumped by a boyfriend for some blonde bombshell and I ran out that next day to “show him” and cut 12 inches off my hair above my neck—and my biggest asset used to be those long locks. How dumb was that? Hello…he dumped me and I was punishing him by cutting the hair he loved. Why would he care? He already left! But that is one of those silly examples of how irrational we ladies are when we hurt.
Love Lesson: When your heart is ripped right out of your chest, feel the pain, fall on your knees, cry, pray and mourn. That is healthy to do. Then write, write and write in your journal (I write my journal to God since I know he is actually reading it as I write and cares about me even when no man gives a rip). Most important, carefully chose healthy friends to spend time with who will lift you up rather than drag you down. This is the most difficult for celebrities when trust is a precious commodity among friends, acquaintances and hanger-ons, especially when every tabloid is pursuing your friends for a story with money dangling in front of them. Here’s some reading recommendations: My favorite scriptures for getting me through heartbreak: Psalm 139 (Old Testament), Jeremiah 29:11 and the book of Proverbs and Gospel of John (4th little book of the New Testament) and Roman 5:3-5. Books: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin Raphael McManus, Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Hate the Way He Treats You?
Your new guys may be a celebrity, rock star, politician, or the hottest guy on campus. But if he's not treating you like you want to be treated is the "notch on your lipstick case" worth the heartache? Been there done that, and believe me, it's not!
So I ask you are you at a loss for why your new guy only sees you secretly and NEVER spends a dime on you? I hear about this all the time and it happened again right in front of my face girlfriends! A gal came into the life of a single friend at one of my parties. The gal was cute and sweet and met our handsome bachelor pal at a holiday party. She noticed how attractive and successful our single friend was and zeroed right in for the kill. She didn’t leave his side that evening and even made the move herself for the lip locking. Did he find her attractive? Sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even think about whether he would pursue her or not. She smothered him from the start. It’s been a few months now. I asked about the update when I heard they still see each other occasionally. She thinks they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
His version? “She calls me all the time. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m just not emotionally available right now.” He admits they “hook up” and talk. Interpretation: She calls, he agrees to see her when nothing else is going on; they get together at one of their homes—no romantic dates, no “wining and dining”. He’s not spending money on her. She’s not getting what any quality single woman deserves and I’m sorry to be quite frank, but it is HER fault!
Here’s the problem, if it’s not obvious enough to you by now. She is too needy, desperate and smothering. And by being that way, she is frustrated in the “relationship” because she is not getting what she wants—respect, love and attention. Is there hope for her? With this guy, only slightly, and only if she stops calling him and lets him actually have time to miss her.
Love lesson: You can’t force love! And you certainly can not fan a flame if you are smothering it. If you are only being invited over to a guys place or hooking up in secluded, non public places, you are NOT the main squeeze--you are the secret fling. Don’t you deserve better than that, no matter WHO the guy is? I would say absolutely yes, so show a little restraint please and get some self respect!
So I ask you are you at a loss for why your new guy only sees you secretly and NEVER spends a dime on you? I hear about this all the time and it happened again right in front of my face girlfriends! A gal came into the life of a single friend at one of my parties. The gal was cute and sweet and met our handsome bachelor pal at a holiday party. She noticed how attractive and successful our single friend was and zeroed right in for the kill. She didn’t leave his side that evening and even made the move herself for the lip locking. Did he find her attractive? Sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even think about whether he would pursue her or not. She smothered him from the start. It’s been a few months now. I asked about the update when I heard they still see each other occasionally. She thinks they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
His version? “She calls me all the time. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m just not emotionally available right now.” He admits they “hook up” and talk. Interpretation: She calls, he agrees to see her when nothing else is going on; they get together at one of their homes—no romantic dates, no “wining and dining”. He’s not spending money on her. She’s not getting what any quality single woman deserves and I’m sorry to be quite frank, but it is HER fault!
Here’s the problem, if it’s not obvious enough to you by now. She is too needy, desperate and smothering. And by being that way, she is frustrated in the “relationship” because she is not getting what she wants—respect, love and attention. Is there hope for her? With this guy, only slightly, and only if she stops calling him and lets him actually have time to miss her.
Love lesson: You can’t force love! And you certainly can not fan a flame if you are smothering it. If you are only being invited over to a guys place or hooking up in secluded, non public places, you are NOT the main squeeze--you are the secret fling. Don’t you deserve better than that, no matter WHO the guy is? I would say absolutely yes, so show a little restraint please and get some self respect!
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Better to be Single & Solo than Married & Miserable
Better to be Single and Solo than Married and Miserable Okay ladies, too many times we settle for our less than ideal man merely because of poor self esteem. This is a weakness of countless women regardless of age or race, social or economic status. I remember two distinct times in my dating years when I caught myself settling for far less than I deserved. One was with a handsome naval aviator…
I was just beginning to date when Top Gun was a hit movie so having my own Tom Cruise "Maverick" character was a dream come true, so I thought. But he was mean. Yes, he was cranky, withdrawn and on some of our dates he was quiet and boring, to say the least. But hey, he was hot and he liked me and wasn't I asking too much to be entertained and happy as well?
Hello! No I wasn't! We deserve to be adored and appreciated! Every woman does! The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screeching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to an exclusive “officer’s club restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast, we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do.That was my wake up call!
Did I (or do YOU) really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.
I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried for days because he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go.
Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.
It is better to be single and solo rather than married and miserable.
I was just beginning to date when Top Gun was a hit movie so having my own Tom Cruise "Maverick" character was a dream come true, so I thought. But he was mean. Yes, he was cranky, withdrawn and on some of our dates he was quiet and boring, to say the least. But hey, he was hot and he liked me and wasn't I asking too much to be entertained and happy as well?
Hello! No I wasn't! We deserve to be adored and appreciated! Every woman does! The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screeching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to an exclusive “officer’s club restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast, we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do.That was my wake up call!
Did I (or do YOU) really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.
I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried for days because he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go.
Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.
It is better to be single and solo rather than married and miserable.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
How to ENJOY a DATELESS Valentine's Night
I have spent more dateless Valentine’s evenings in my life than I care to count. Have I ever dreaded the approaching evening? Absolutely, in the same way I’ve dreaded being the only dateless adult on Family Christmas Eve parties. But overtime, I learned to actually make the best of and even enjoy the romantic event when no man was in sight. Here are some great ways to spend a dateless Valentines that can actually put you on the path to ultimately find your man worth keeping!
1. Grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movies. If you dare see a romantic comedy, check out Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Huge Grant (opening today). If you just want to enjoy a film, sans the romance, see Dream Girls, The Queen, Bridge to Terabithia, or Night At The Museum. Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.
2. Okay, you have permission to do something to spoil yourself today. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Here are some options:
a. French manicure
b. new hairstyle, color or cut
c. indulge in a massage or facial
d. buy yourself an clothes, shoes, purse….something at the mall that you have been dying to buy but holding back.
How ever you choose to indulge yourself, don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.
3. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. Where will you live? How tall will he be? What will his career be? How will he propose? What will the two of you do in your free time? How many children will you have? Just go for it and dream your entire future with this man you are creating.What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around? My personal list included that my man would believe I was the best thing to ever coming into his life! I had an entire list including his height and weight. Certainly there will be things on your list you can live without, just put the most important qualities at the top of your list and the negotiables toward the bottom. Finish off you evening with your dessert and a polished version of your Man Worth Keeping. Now keep this list with you at all time, be it in your wallet or daytimer, so you’ll recognize him when he appears.
4. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce with a purpose. Have each of your girlfriends write out one page on all their previous relationships including the good and bad qualities of each man. Cross out any character trait that is not repeated and circle the ones that are. THEN each girlfriend writes out a personal WANT AD based solely on the circled character traits. Be creative in your writing and have fun with this process. Have each girl read aloud the Want Ad they’ve subconsciously been putting out there to attrack the men they’ve had thus far in their lives, you’ll laugh and cry at the same time.
1. Grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movies. If you dare see a romantic comedy, check out Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Huge Grant (opening today). If you just want to enjoy a film, sans the romance, see Dream Girls, The Queen, Bridge to Terabithia, or Night At The Museum. Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.
2. Okay, you have permission to do something to spoil yourself today. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Here are some options:
a. French manicure
b. new hairstyle, color or cut
c. indulge in a massage or facial
d. buy yourself an clothes, shoes, purse….something at the mall that you have been dying to buy but holding back.
How ever you choose to indulge yourself, don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.
3. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. Where will you live? How tall will he be? What will his career be? How will he propose? What will the two of you do in your free time? How many children will you have? Just go for it and dream your entire future with this man you are creating.What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around? My personal list included that my man would believe I was the best thing to ever coming into his life! I had an entire list including his height and weight. Certainly there will be things on your list you can live without, just put the most important qualities at the top of your list and the negotiables toward the bottom. Finish off you evening with your dessert and a polished version of your Man Worth Keeping. Now keep this list with you at all time, be it in your wallet or daytimer, so you’ll recognize him when he appears.
4. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce with a purpose. Have each of your girlfriends write out one page on all their previous relationships including the good and bad qualities of each man. Cross out any character trait that is not repeated and circle the ones that are. THEN each girlfriend writes out a personal WANT AD based solely on the circled character traits. Be creative in your writing and have fun with this process. Have each girl read aloud the Want Ad they’ve subconsciously been putting out there to attrack the men they’ve had thus far in their lives, you’ll laugh and cry at the same time.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Save Your Relationship--Don't OutGive that Man!
Okay gals, don't blow your relationship by outgiving your man tomorrow! If you have found yourself lucky enough to have a date scheduled for tomorrow's big day—Valentine's Day 2007—here are some last minute gift giving tips to ensure that you keep the romance alive with your man.
Valentine's is the time for your guy to pamper you and win you over, not the reverse. You can be assured he is actively pursuing you if you feel slightly indebted to him. You just don't want him to think he owes you. Keep that in mind as you shop for the perfect Valentine's card and gift for your lucky guy. Whatever you do, don't buy him expensive gifts or try to match or better what you think he will give you.
Creativity and thoughtfulness is what you need an abundance of, not money. And pay close attention to your man's personal taste, interests and hobbies.
Gift ideas for new love:Your mission during the early stages of a relationship is to inspire your man to continue seeing you while you decide if he's a keeper. So take it slowly and refrain from advertising your feelings before he is ready to reveal his. Don't use your first Valentine's together to be your opportunity to reveal your undying love. Let HIM make that move. So ladies, if you give anything at all, think creativity and free or very inexpensive, making sure it's personalized to his taste.
1. Make a Valentine's Day card that is also a special invitation for a home cooked dinner by you. Have fun as you describe each item on the menu from appetizer to dessert. Hopefully you know him well enough to know his taste in food.
2. Make a card which includes 3 or 4 coupons for him to redeem. Include coupons for things he loves that you may be nervous to try or perhaps you disliked—be it sports, food or a hobby.
a. If he loves basketball and you don't, offer to watch an entire NBA game with him as he teaches you the rules. b. Offer to help him wash his car. c. Put in a coupon for a foot rub. d. Listen to him practice a speech for work.
3. If your guy likes coffee, give him some Starbucks or other coffee treats. They can be inexpensive and certainly will be appreciated. Have fun and be creative. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. He'll be impressed you have actually listened when you hit a bulls-eye to his personal taste! Remember you are aiming for casual and fun. You want your gift to imply, "Hey, I'd like to get to know you better," not "I love you truly, deeply, madly." Gift ideas for the ongoing or exclusive relationship:You can risk giving a small gift if you and your guy have been together a while and are exclusive, but not yet engaged. But still, don't out-give him. Even if you think he may propose to you this evening, don't come prepared with lavish gifts in return. This is HIS night to shine and yours to enjoy.Gift ideas:a. If he has a favorite sports team, get him something with the mascot on it—be it a OU, USC, or Texas Longhorn hat, t-shirt, lounge pants, key chain, frame, etc.
b. Buy inexpensive, yet thoughtful accessories to his favorite hobby be it golf, hunting, football, electronic games. If he has a hobby, there are accessories.
c. Buy him downloads for his Ipod.
d. Get him a new cover for his cell phone.
e. Hopefully you know his taste well enough at this stage to pick out some cologne for him.
f. If you have great taste in fashion, buy him a new sweater or other item of clothing. If you are insecure about your fashion sense, go to the mall and ask a sales lady at a hip clothing store.
g. Create 3 or 4 coupons for you to do some favors for him that he knows you may rather not do, like help him clean is car or house, give him an hour foot or back rub, attend his favorite sporting event, etc.
h. IF he is into golf, perhaps set him up to golf at a hard to get into golf course through some of your connections.
Valentine's is the time for your guy to pamper you and win you over, not the reverse. You can be assured he is actively pursuing you if you feel slightly indebted to him. You just don't want him to think he owes you. Keep that in mind as you shop for the perfect Valentine's card and gift for your lucky guy. Whatever you do, don't buy him expensive gifts or try to match or better what you think he will give you.
Creativity and thoughtfulness is what you need an abundance of, not money. And pay close attention to your man's personal taste, interests and hobbies.
Gift ideas for new love:Your mission during the early stages of a relationship is to inspire your man to continue seeing you while you decide if he's a keeper. So take it slowly and refrain from advertising your feelings before he is ready to reveal his. Don't use your first Valentine's together to be your opportunity to reveal your undying love. Let HIM make that move. So ladies, if you give anything at all, think creativity and free or very inexpensive, making sure it's personalized to his taste.
1. Make a Valentine's Day card that is also a special invitation for a home cooked dinner by you. Have fun as you describe each item on the menu from appetizer to dessert. Hopefully you know him well enough to know his taste in food.
2. Make a card which includes 3 or 4 coupons for him to redeem. Include coupons for things he loves that you may be nervous to try or perhaps you disliked—be it sports, food or a hobby.
a. If he loves basketball and you don't, offer to watch an entire NBA game with him as he teaches you the rules. b. Offer to help him wash his car. c. Put in a coupon for a foot rub. d. Listen to him practice a speech for work.
3. If your guy likes coffee, give him some Starbucks or other coffee treats. They can be inexpensive and certainly will be appreciated. Have fun and be creative. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. He'll be impressed you have actually listened when you hit a bulls-eye to his personal taste! Remember you are aiming for casual and fun. You want your gift to imply, "Hey, I'd like to get to know you better," not "I love you truly, deeply, madly." Gift ideas for the ongoing or exclusive relationship:You can risk giving a small gift if you and your guy have been together a while and are exclusive, but not yet engaged. But still, don't out-give him. Even if you think he may propose to you this evening, don't come prepared with lavish gifts in return. This is HIS night to shine and yours to enjoy.Gift ideas:a. If he has a favorite sports team, get him something with the mascot on it—be it a OU, USC, or Texas Longhorn hat, t-shirt, lounge pants, key chain, frame, etc.
b. Buy inexpensive, yet thoughtful accessories to his favorite hobby be it golf, hunting, football, electronic games. If he has a hobby, there are accessories.
c. Buy him downloads for his Ipod.
d. Get him a new cover for his cell phone.
e. Hopefully you know his taste well enough at this stage to pick out some cologne for him.
f. If you have great taste in fashion, buy him a new sweater or other item of clothing. If you are insecure about your fashion sense, go to the mall and ask a sales lady at a hip clothing store.
g. Create 3 or 4 coupons for you to do some favors for him that he knows you may rather not do, like help him clean is car or house, give him an hour foot or back rub, attend his favorite sporting event, etc.
h. IF he is into golf, perhaps set him up to golf at a hard to get into golf course through some of your connections.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Ever Had More than One Date on the Same Night?
I just read a report that Reno NV and cupid.com are pairing up and attempting to set the World Record for the largest simultaneous speed dating event ever in one evening. The article inspired me to share my opinion on the trend that is popular for the 32 to 59 year old crowd. Hey, I would have done speed dating in a heartbeat if it had been around when I was single. Why? Because it is the perfect setting to practice first impressions, first conversations and overall people skills. It may be uncomfortable or nerve rattling but that is okay, because if you have found yourself disappointing in love in your past, even if it was all the man’s fault, it’s time to start working on yourself and your own dating skills so you’ll be ready for a good man when he finally shows up.
Here’s the scoop in Speed Dating: The first speed dating event took place in late 1998 in Beverly Hills at Pete’s Café, the same year I got married, so I was already off the market. You can find some variation of speed dating in many large cities across the country and even internationally. Its appeal is that you have the opportunity to meet a bunch of potential hot dates in one evening.
Here’s how it works: each female participant gets to have a three to eight minute mini-date with each male participant. The length of the dates depends on the organizer and how many participants sign up. When it is time to move to your next date, the host lets everyone know by ringing a bell or something like that. You may not like one guy there, but then again, you might like them all. The good news and the bad news is that you don’t exchange numbers right then and there. At the end of the event you turn in notes on each of your mini-dates. The organizers pair up all the couples who mutually chose each other. You could end up with zero, one, or many follow-up dates, yet there is no official rejection while you are there live and in-person. If you are convinced that you had a major love connection you just have to be patient until the next day to see if you were correct. Though not a perfect meet market, it’s probably worth a try a time or two. It would definitely be a memorable event for you and your single girlfriends to do together. Whether it’s a great or horrible experience, it surely can be good for future laughs.
Speed dating is definitely a great place to practice first impressions, body language, flirting and overall social interaction skills. That alone is worth the ticket price! If you are shy, there are few other opportunities to be forced to come out of your shell multiple times in one evening. And if you do horrible on the first go round you have several other opportunities to warm up and do better. If you’re not near Reno this week, then do a search in your area and try it out.
Here’s the scoop in Speed Dating: The first speed dating event took place in late 1998 in Beverly Hills at Pete’s Café, the same year I got married, so I was already off the market. You can find some variation of speed dating in many large cities across the country and even internationally. Its appeal is that you have the opportunity to meet a bunch of potential hot dates in one evening.
Here’s how it works: each female participant gets to have a three to eight minute mini-date with each male participant. The length of the dates depends on the organizer and how many participants sign up. When it is time to move to your next date, the host lets everyone know by ringing a bell or something like that. You may not like one guy there, but then again, you might like them all. The good news and the bad news is that you don’t exchange numbers right then and there. At the end of the event you turn in notes on each of your mini-dates. The organizers pair up all the couples who mutually chose each other. You could end up with zero, one, or many follow-up dates, yet there is no official rejection while you are there live and in-person. If you are convinced that you had a major love connection you just have to be patient until the next day to see if you were correct. Though not a perfect meet market, it’s probably worth a try a time or two. It would definitely be a memorable event for you and your single girlfriends to do together. Whether it’s a great or horrible experience, it surely can be good for future laughs.
Speed dating is definitely a great place to practice first impressions, body language, flirting and overall social interaction skills. That alone is worth the ticket price! If you are shy, there are few other opportunities to be forced to come out of your shell multiple times in one evening. And if you do horrible on the first go round you have several other opportunities to warm up and do better. If you’re not near Reno this week, then do a search in your area and try it out.
Monday, February 05, 2007
TEEN ABUSE MAY LAST A LIFETIME
Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week kicks off Today
According to Safe Shelter, a nonprofit that provides programs and services to victims of domestic violence, abuse in your teens carries through to your adulthood. “Statistics indicate that one in three American women experiences some form of domestic violence during her lifetime, and that number holds true for teen girls in dating relationships as well,” said Teri Ebel. “When young people learn to behave abusively or accept abusive behaviors in their earliest love relationships, they’re setting a course for a future of this relationship pattern,” she said.
Dating abuse is not just physical. There is also so much verbal abuse and controlling that goes on in relationships. A great book explaining verbal abuse and how to escape it’s grip is “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. Get it on Amazon.com. No matter what form the abuse takes, it always demoralized and diminishes self-esteem.
What is the answer? Awareness! Stop the violence in your present and especially your future by realizing and accepting that the abuse you are experiencing is NOT okay and NOT the norm and you, yes you, deserve better! I understand it’s difficult to breathe and see outside your situation when it is a parent doing the abuse. Whoever is abusing you, please know that you matter and you do not deserve to be treated like this. There is life outside of abuse and you must do whatever you can to get away from your abuser. Tell friends and people you can trust what is going on, see help from local shelters or call the domestic violence hotline number you find in your local phone book. Search the web for ways to escape abuse. Take self-defense from your local YMCA or check out videos or books on it at the library. There are people out there who want to help you!
It you want a life away from abuse you MUST choose to live in conscious awareness of what you want in your life, face your hurt, and heal from your pain. If you don’t take step to take control, sadly you will continue to be a victim of abuse your entire life. The normal pattern of abuse victims—especially when it begins in your youth or teens, is that once you leave your first abuser, you will subconsciously be drawn to another and another, even though they look different on the outside. Because even though you don’t like being abused, it feels normal to you and we always seek our “comfortable normal” regardless of what pain or lack of pain it brings. You don’t have to continue living like that.
There is a God who sees and hurts with you and wants to rescue you and give you the life you were created to live. Pick up your bible and read the entire chapter of Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible) and Romans 5:3-5, then read the entire book of John (4th little book three fourths the way through the Bible). The fact that you are reading this is a sign that you are ready to make a change for your future. Congratulations on loving yourself enough, even when you feel worthless, to seek health. God loves you, you’re worth it, begin to stop the violence today!
According to Safe Shelter, a nonprofit that provides programs and services to victims of domestic violence, abuse in your teens carries through to your adulthood. “Statistics indicate that one in three American women experiences some form of domestic violence during her lifetime, and that number holds true for teen girls in dating relationships as well,” said Teri Ebel. “When young people learn to behave abusively or accept abusive behaviors in their earliest love relationships, they’re setting a course for a future of this relationship pattern,” she said.
Dating abuse is not just physical. There is also so much verbal abuse and controlling that goes on in relationships. A great book explaining verbal abuse and how to escape it’s grip is “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. Get it on Amazon.com. No matter what form the abuse takes, it always demoralized and diminishes self-esteem.
What is the answer? Awareness! Stop the violence in your present and especially your future by realizing and accepting that the abuse you are experiencing is NOT okay and NOT the norm and you, yes you, deserve better! I understand it’s difficult to breathe and see outside your situation when it is a parent doing the abuse. Whoever is abusing you, please know that you matter and you do not deserve to be treated like this. There is life outside of abuse and you must do whatever you can to get away from your abuser. Tell friends and people you can trust what is going on, see help from local shelters or call the domestic violence hotline number you find in your local phone book. Search the web for ways to escape abuse. Take self-defense from your local YMCA or check out videos or books on it at the library. There are people out there who want to help you!
It you want a life away from abuse you MUST choose to live in conscious awareness of what you want in your life, face your hurt, and heal from your pain. If you don’t take step to take control, sadly you will continue to be a victim of abuse your entire life. The normal pattern of abuse victims—especially when it begins in your youth or teens, is that once you leave your first abuser, you will subconsciously be drawn to another and another, even though they look different on the outside. Because even though you don’t like being abused, it feels normal to you and we always seek our “comfortable normal” regardless of what pain or lack of pain it brings. You don’t have to continue living like that.
There is a God who sees and hurts with you and wants to rescue you and give you the life you were created to live. Pick up your bible and read the entire chapter of Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible) and Romans 5:3-5, then read the entire book of John (4th little book three fourths the way through the Bible). The fact that you are reading this is a sign that you are ready to make a change for your future. Congratulations on loving yourself enough, even when you feel worthless, to seek health. God loves you, you’re worth it, begin to stop the violence today!
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Another One Bites the Dust
I just came about this headline of yet another Hollywood couple that has recently called it quits:
SPADE CONFIRMS HE'S NO LONGER DATING LOCKLEAR
I was cheering for this couple because they seemed like friends. They succombed to the same syndrome Jennifer Anniston and her own comedic boyfriend Vince Vaughn fell into--The Rebound.
LOVE LESSON: Both Jennifer Anniston and Heather Locklear had spouses who allegedly cheated and dumped them in a painful and public way (Brad Pitt with Angelina Jolie and Richie Sombora now with Denise Richards). It's all too common to run into the arms of a friend willing to let you cry on their shoulder. Could these have been great pairs for the long haul? Sure, but the odds were against them from the start for any "Till death do us part," since they got together in the midst of such pain on the actresses end. Unfortuntely the pattern will be to leave the one who carries you through the pain once you've healed.
QUICK TIP FOR THOSE LOOKING FOR LOVE: Protect your heart if you decide to run to the recently heartbroken. You may think this is the one you've been waiting for, but Heart beware, you will be their rebound and counselor. History does not show a lot of promise for you to be the one who keeps her or him after the hurt has healed.
SPADE CONFIRMS HE'S NO LONGER DATING LOCKLEAR
I was cheering for this couple because they seemed like friends. They succombed to the same syndrome Jennifer Anniston and her own comedic boyfriend Vince Vaughn fell into--The Rebound.
LOVE LESSON: Both Jennifer Anniston and Heather Locklear had spouses who allegedly cheated and dumped them in a painful and public way (Brad Pitt with Angelina Jolie and Richie Sombora now with Denise Richards). It's all too common to run into the arms of a friend willing to let you cry on their shoulder. Could these have been great pairs for the long haul? Sure, but the odds were against them from the start for any "Till death do us part," since they got together in the midst of such pain on the actresses end. Unfortuntely the pattern will be to leave the one who carries you through the pain once you've healed.
QUICK TIP FOR THOSE LOOKING FOR LOVE: Protect your heart if you decide to run to the recently heartbroken. You may think this is the one you've been waiting for, but Heart beware, you will be their rebound and counselor. History does not show a lot of promise for you to be the one who keeps her or him after the hurt has healed.
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