Exactly WHY We Blow Our Love Life

Wow, I’ve continued to get emails from my July blog about the girls on Bret Michaels dating show Rock of Love. This partial email from Cassie, one of my active readers, sums up those sympathetic to Bret Michaels contestants:

Cassie said, “Don’t you understand why we make the bad decisions we make in relationships? Does love really matter? All love has brought me was a continual test of forgiveness and misery. I have a place inside that is so longing for stability and a different path so much that you question your values and what you really are as far as self respect. I don’t feel desperate but the idea of a different future is enough to make anyone coming out of a bad relationship long for a quick fix like a man with money and status, regardless of whether we get along or if there is a future of companionship and a peaceful environment.”

My response to all the hurting women who find themselves in the same place as Cassie or the Bret Michaels girls (and I KNOW that is a lot of you) is that Yes! I understand why you do what you do. That is why I do what I do—write books and advice columns and coach many of you individually. Because you want one thing and your actions are bringing you something else. I want to shake you and wake you up so you CAN get what you really want. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel like love “sucks” and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But, for starters, if you would only write out your feelings as Cassie did above and then READ IT BACK to yourself out loud so you can see how self destructive you are being and how much of a vicious circle you are choosing to remain in.

Note that Cassie said basically “I want a man with money to solve all my problems and I don’t care if I like him, he likes me, or if there is any future.”

Well yes, you do care, if not now, you will soon enough. And you will reconfirm how love “sucks” as soon as he rips your heart out because he will not make your dreams come true. He will only disappoint. If you are fed up with love, I say you are in a great place. Give it up for now and work on YOU. Stop the madness. Stop rushing towards a quick fix (which doesn’t work) and work on YOU and fall in love with YOU and find out what your dreams really are and pursue them. It is far better to live the life of your dreams alone than keep run from them with person after person who lets you down. And guess what? When you actively pursue the life you really want to live, a better companion for you will appear. And if he doesn’t you will be so content alone, you will be just fine with that!

John Lennon, Owen Wilson and August

John Lennon once said “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” So true, way too often, for most of us. We need occasional wake-up calls to remind us of why we are here and to inspire those unsure to find out. It’s just that the wake-up calls are rarely welcome. For much of Hollywood last week it was the attempted suicide of Owen Wilson, a popular movie star who seemed to have the world at his feet. If someone with everything is despondent…

Overall August was a tough month. One of my readers’ fiancé was tragically killed in a car accident just 10 miles from my house; a precious young mom with 3 kids lost her battle with cancer at just 36; I lost my Grandpa after 5 years living with Alzheimer, my niece lost her Grandpa, the beloved Pastor from my youth. And lastly a very close family friend’s cancer returned and now she’s back in the midst of intense chemo.

The other night I watched the new DVD “The Ultimate Gift”. It was a great book and well done adaptation to a movie. It’s worth renting, by the way. The thought provoking film got me thinking about priorities, how much we take for granted and how spoiled we Americans truly are…

Then last night I pondered “What would I REALLY do today if right now, at this moment, I had no guarantee I’d live until Christmas just 3 months away. Sure I’ve thought about that whenever I’d heard last year’s number one hit “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. But it really pierced me last night as I prayed for my dear friend Johnnie who goes to chemo today.

Death can come anywhere, anytime to anyone. And that includes each of us. None of us has a guarantee of Christmas this year. We don’t even have a guarantee we’ll make it until dinner tonight. So I’m writing today’s blog in honor of Johnnie. Will you allow God to use her pain today as a gift of life for you? If what that famous Beatle said is true and life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, then what does your life reveal? Are you living like you want or missing out because of distractions and plans and fear you won’t get what you want so you hold on so tight to “whatever” that you don’t open your eyes to the life right in front of you?

Let go and forgive someone you’ve wasted energy withholding forgiveness from; take the first step toward that dream you’ve placed on hold for whatever valid excuse; call that friend you’ve put off calling; tell your family you love them, hey, and ask God why you’re here. He promises an answer if you’d only ask.