Two friends had devastating break-ups in the last few weeks--one a marriage and the other an engagement. Oh how my heart hurts for these two precious friends! If you too have been through a breakup then you already know the heart wrenching pain the follows.
I remember one of my more difficult breakups happened after I got a call from a close friend who revealed to me that my boyfriend just went on a double date with her and her boyfriend (who was HIS best friend). He just assumed my friend would keep her mouth shut. She did the right thing--she was my friend not his. The betrayal was shocking. I remember just collapsing on the floor of my home and sobbing. I then had to crawl to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so through out that first night to throw up seemingly everything I ever consumed.
I never thought I would have such a physical reaction to emotional pain. It took me time to get over that break-up, but in time I did. What was great about it was that, even though I wasn't married to him, I at least got a glimpse of what some of you have gone through when betrayed in marriage and it is divesting. Another thing I realized through my various breakups over the years, before I finally found my Man-Worth-Keeping in my husband, was that breakups are an emotional rollercoaster EVEN when you think you hate the ex! When I broke up with one long term relationships that I was soooo done with and strongly disliked, I still sobbed and had plenty of moody spells. My mom just couldn't figure it out why I cried over that boy.
Separating yourself from a relationship affects every area of your life. It brings up every insecurity about your identity and your tomorrow (i.e. Will I find someone to love me? Will I be alone forever? Will I be financially secure? etc.) I could write an entire book on helping you through a break up and I may one day, but for right now, here are 10 brief tips to get you through the immediate crisis and on the road to a new life:
1. CRY: That is the most healing thing you can do (and something men don't do enough of by-the-way). Ever wonder why women live an average of seven years longer than men? It's because they are better at getting their feelings released, thus healing faster! So cry and allow yourself a short period of wallowing in your self-pity. When do we have such a luxury? But I'm limiting you to a week at the very most for wallowing in your pain and staying at home in your PJs and hopefully you won't need even one day of not getting out of bed. Yes, the tears may last longer than a day or week, but after one week you have to get out of bed and begin living again no matter how much it hurts. You deserve to live!
2. TALK TO GOD: What better time to put all your dependency on your Creator? It cracks me up with I hear people say "God is just a crutch for those hurting". Hello? What better person to go to in your pain than someone who actually cares about every detail of your life? Even if you haven't discovered a personal relationship with God yet, this is the perfect time to seek one. The "Good Book" promised that God will draw near to anyone who seeks him! So pick up your Bible. If you don't have one, even Wal-mart has them for just a few dollars and I bet a friend would be happy to give you one if you don't have one--email me if you need one--see my website. There is a book right in the middle of the Bible called PSALMS. Open to this book and read Psalm 139. (You can find more places to go in this wonderful book on my website under "Seek Divine Inspiration".)
3. GET OUT OF BED: Even though it's great to cry and I want you to allow yourself to grieve, DON'T spend an extended time alone. Get yourself out of bed and moving forward with life, even if you're numb to everything around you. I encourage you to force yourself to get out of bed, shower and dress before 9am every day! A shower will do wonders to lift your mood and help you start your day, even when your heart is not in it. Then continue to work or go to school and live your daily life--at that includes going to church, going out socially with some girlfriends, making your bed, cleaning your home, grocery shopping, etc.
4. WRITE IT DOWN: Begin a breakup journal to write all your rollercoaster feelings down every day. (If you prefer, just write it on your computer). This will help you work through the pain as well as help you spit out the emotions so you can move on with your day rather than dwell on the feelings all day. Also this is a great place to analyze what went wrong, what YOUR roll in the breakup is--no matter how small--and when you noticed something was wrong. Your goal is to grow through the pain. My motto has always been, if I'm going to hurt, something good better come from it because God promised he'd bring me good through whatever he allowed, and he allowed this to occur, so God, PLEASE show me the good! Sometimes, the "good" will be to help others in the future. Sometimes the "good" will be that you got out of a dangerous relationship. I don't know what your ultimate "good" will be from this, but if you write it all down and seek God daily, he WILL reveal the good.
5. FEEL THE ROLLERCOASTER: Understand you will go through a series of emotions (shock, sorrow, anger, grief, resignation, relief, numbness, to giddiness). At times the emotions of the day will not be what you expect to feel. Just accept that that is part of the grieving process. Your goal is to walk through the motions and do all you can do to guard yourself from bitterness (something more deadly to YOUR life than your ex's--see tip 10 below).
6. MARK YOUR CALENDAR: Give the breakup 12 weeks--especially if you are the one who DIDN'T want to break up. That is the average length of the rollercoaster ride of emotions for life changing loss before resignation sets in. If you really want the relationship back and he seems to either want nothing to do with you OR he wants to keep you AND another women at the same time, my best advice to you is to cut off in person meetings with him (unless you have to see him to share custody with children--keep those about the kids and BRIEF). Be civil yet do not engage in "friendship" bonding with him as this will only keep you hooked on him while your ex is not suffering the pain of loss because he still has you and he knows it. If you want him to miss you and run back to you, that will only happen if he has time to feel what was lost--your presence, caring and love. He can't have his cake and eat it too. AND you will never win him back if he does not miss you. If this is hard for you, the calendar method helps a lot. Just put down that you will not see him or engage in long intimate phone conversation for twelve weeks. This gives you a goal. In the meantime, you HAVE to move forward with your life and act as though you two are over forever.
7. DO SOMETHING NEW: Get involved in a new project start this very day--be it a hobby, charity group, longtime dream, anything you've wanted to do for a while but haven't gotten around to it for whatever reason. When one dream dies, fill it right away with another dream. We all have a secret dream--be it to act, sing, write, dance, fly, speak, ski, paint, you name it-- now is the time to pursue that dream. (If it's to do with Hollywood, see my website: www.makeitinmedia.com). Baby steps is fine, just move forward.
8. FIND CHEERLEADERS: Surround yourself with people that care for YOU. And avoid spending time rehashing your pain with everyone you meet. That is what your journal is for. Yes, you can tell your friends and family and get them to surround you with love and support. Just don't spend your entire 24 hours a day only dwelling on your pain or you will not be able to get out of bed and move forward.
9. DON'T JUMP INTO NEW LOVE: Heal first. DO NOT immediately fall in love with someone else. No matter what you try and convince yourself, this new love will only be a rebound and even if "he" really is all you think him to be, your new relationship will never be what it could be until and unless you first heal from your heartbreak. I recommend taking a six month break from love. Yes, you can CASUALLY date, but don't allow yourself to get serious with ANYONE until you are over the ex. If it is a divorce, I strongly recommend NO DATING until the divorce is final. Heal first, FINISH what you ended, and then move forward with new romance. This is the only way to choose healthy the next time.
10. FORGIVE: Okay, THIS is the toughest, especially when you have been seriously wronged. I'm not promising you will feel warm and fuzzy for forgiving, nor am I suggesting the "ex" deserves forgiveness. There will still be consequences for what he did--that's just the law of the universe. But your concern is not in focusing on him getting his--leave that to God--your job is to take care of you! You are forgiving him so YOU can heal. You must forgive or you will become bitter and it will ruin YOUR life, not his. He doesn't deserve that power over you. We've all heard news stories of disgruntled women who murdered their ex for what was done to them. These women ruined their own lives because of what was done to them. Don't fall into that trap. Let go of the bitterness and release the power he has over you! Here are two books to read on the topic: Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes and Forgive to Live: How Forgiveness Can Save Your Life by Dick Tibbits and Steve Haliday.
Feel the pain and hang in there. There is no easy way through heartache. But there is hope, you will eventually get on the other side of pain if you keep take care of you, keep moving forward and forgive (no matter how guilty he is). My prayers are with you!
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
No need to Panic at that Wedding Invitation
It's summertime and that means it the biggest wedding season of the year. For too long single women have dreaded those romantic wedding invitations and chosen an evening alone with a bucket of ice cream rather than celebrate with a close friend. Well it's time to snap out of that attitude and change your perspective. WEDDINGS aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s actually a perfect place to meet your mate!
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new. Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy you meet can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom as either a good guy or bad guy. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them before you exchange numbers.
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, family, long lost buddies, distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
--Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
--You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
--Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
--You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
--It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Best place to mingle? The line for food or drinks at the reception.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Enlist your friends—the couple
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. Find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet: Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down: Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new. Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy you meet can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom as either a good guy or bad guy. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them before you exchange numbers.
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, family, long lost buddies, distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
--Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
--You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
--Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
--You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
--It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Best place to mingle? The line for food or drinks at the reception.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Enlist your friends—the couple
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. Find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet: Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down: Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Am I Worth More?
Okay ladies, too many times we settle for our less than ideal man merely because of poor self esteem. This is a weakness of countless women regardless of age or race, social or economic status. I remember two distinct times in my dating years when I caught myself settling for far less than I deserved. One was with a handsome naval aviator. Now I was just beginning to date when Top Gun was a hit movie so having my own Tom Cruise "Maverick" character was a dream come true, so I thought. But he was mean. Yes, he was cranky, withdrawn and on some of our dates he was very quiet and boring. But hey, he was hot and he liked me and wasn't I asking too much to be entertained and happy as well? Hello! No I wasn't . We deserve to be adored and appreciated! Every woman does!
The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screaching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to a nice very exclusive restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazzing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. It was awful. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do. And I wondered how it must be to have someone who found me interesting enough to talk to.
That was my wake up call! Did I really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.
It is better to be single and alone than married and miserable.
I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried days (maybe even a week or two) that he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go. Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.
I hope you do, as well. We are all worthy of being cherished and spoken to :-)
The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screaching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to a nice very exclusive restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazzing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. It was awful. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do. And I wondered how it must be to have someone who found me interesting enough to talk to.
That was my wake up call! Did I really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.
It is better to be single and alone than married and miserable.
I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried days (maybe even a week or two) that he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go. Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.
I hope you do, as well. We are all worthy of being cherished and spoken to :-)
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Rah Rah Sisterhood
Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime
Ladies, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriennds when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what they think to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were being malicious. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to ladies around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Ladies, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriennds when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what they think to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were being malicious. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to ladies around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
5 Top Things to Attract a Man to Keep
Have you found yourself either without any dates or far too few to keep you content? Follow these tips and any woman can find themselves suddently attracting men. In fact, if you do these top five things, you can attract not just any man, but a date to keep! Those five things are:
Stand out from the crowd
Become a flirt
Show you are intriguing
Behave like a great date
Ask your friends to set you up
Stand Out from the Crowd
You would be amazed how simple it is to stand out from the crowd, in a good way, if you just take the time to care about yourself and how you come across to others. If you take the time daily to be clean, smile and stand tall, you will find you are attracting more and more potential keepers.
A no-brainer should be to pursue cleanliness and skip sloppiness. A daily splash of water and dab of deodorant can do wonders to your appeal to men. You can by-pass negative first impressions right now by simply starting your day with a shower. Turn offs to most any person are dirty fingernails, dirty hair, dirty teeth; messy car, messy home, messy clothes, dirty or messy anything.
After you have started your day with a sprinkle-a-day, light up the room with your smile! This is a great way to stand out from the crowd and it takes no preparation. It can be done at any time of day or night. We are not talking just any smile. Not a smirk or a halfhearted grin. Rather a fully engaged, eye-brightening, cheek-raising, lip-curving, teeth-exposing smile. A genuine smile can literally light up the room. Your smile is the warmest, friendliest part of your physical appearance. That expression tells others you are interested in them.
Remember those words your Mama used to tell you? Stand straight, Shoulders back, stomach in, chest out. Well Mama had it right. Your attractiveness is immediately increased when you sit, stand or walk with good posture. You transform both your confidence and your first impression by focusing on the way you carry yourself. Begin observing the women you admire the ones who seem to breathe confidence just by entering a room and begin mimicking the way they stand and walk. Notice the change in how others respond to you. It could be fun.
Be reassured that you do not have to feel confident before exuding confidence. Walking tall creates that confidence. Fake it till you make it definitely works when it comes to self esteem! Stand tall and you will come across as self assured (not pompous) and thus attractive, Even if your hands are sweating and your legs are shaking. People will want to either be with you or want to be like you.
Become a Flirt
A fun, non-direct way of attracting a great guy, without risking rejection of a more direct approach, is to become a flirt. Combine your new confident posture and charming smile, with appropriate, inviting eye contact and you have just become a flirt. Maintain eye contact for three seconds (five at the most so you do not freak him out) then casually look away. You can flirt your way right into the arms of the one you want. Plus if you stand with your arms uncrossed, you will send the message that you are open to meeting people. Practice this and you will reveal your interest in a safe-non-confronting manner. And if he does not come over and get your number, you do not have to feel rejected because you did not exchange words.
Show you are Intriguing. Everyone can be intriguing if they just go out and get-a-life rather than obsess on finding a mate. Author Rick Warren says We were made to have meaning [The Purpose Driven Life Rick Warren, Grand Rapids: Zondervan 2002, page 30]. Pursue your personal purpose, search for your meaning and you will become intriguing! What are your dreams, aspirations, hobbies? Pursue this life while you are searching for your keeper and you will inevitably become intriguing. Focus on these things in your life during the early stages of love, rather than on hardship, bitterness, or wrongs suffered and your date will be calling you again.
Behave like a Great Date. The ultimate dating secret for attracting a keeper was revealed more than two thousand years ago, and though found in the Good Book, it is seldom heeded. So follow it and you will attract a keeper! That secret is: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. [James 1:19] In other words, especially on the first three dates be quick to listen to his stories, slow to bombard him with wordy details of your stories and careful not to spew anger over past traumas or present insecurities.
How do you do that? Make the first three dates all about him! Start the date with small talk then steer the conversation toward your date and his interests. Actually listen to the answers before you respond.
The skills for charming a date are no different than establishing rapport with world leaders and famous people. Barbara Walters, who has done both, advises "Do not talk excessively about yourself at all in the beginning. Even if you;re an older woman and unmarried, it does not require an explanation.Take it easy on the personal confessions. It will come out as time goes by, when the relationship is well enough established that the skeletons in the closet will be considered amusing dicor. " [Barbara Walters, How to Talk with Practically Anybody about Practically Anything (Garden City, NY, Dell, 1970) page 191-182]
Sure you can interject information about yourself during the night, but do so briefly merely to show the things you have in common. Keeping your date in the spotlight keeps him invested in the evening--Bingo, your goal while you find out if he meets your list as a keeper--very important information to find out early on, before your heart gets way too involved.
Dale Carnegie once said, "One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them." [Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1936) page 59)]. So show you are genuinely interested in the other person by looking them straight in the eye, not in a freakish stare down, but in a considerate gaze of I am listening to you.
Ask Your Friends to Set You Up.
To some degree we are all shy and insecure, that is human nature, some folks just camouflage their insecurity better than others. If flirting is not your thing, try letting a friend intrude on your love life! Several celebrities met their spouses this way, such as Cindy Crawford & Rande Gerber, Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman , Dennis Quaid & second wife, Kim, and Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra.
Many singles feel like complete losers asking friends for help at love, but if you ask in a fun, non-demanding nor desperate way, you will be surprised at how many people jump at the chance to get involved and set you up. This can be done by making up a wish list for your ideal mate, narrow it down to about a one to three paragraphs. Then come up with a short catch-phrase that describes your ideal keeper. My request for my friends was, "I am looking for the Five Ss --Single, sexy, successful, saved and sane. Know any available men like that?" When they took the bait, I would explain further. During one 18-month period of my life I had over 100 blind-dates and set-ups by friends, acquaintances and family members who were willing to get involved and 98% of those dates asked me out for a second date because I mastered the skill of the ultimate dating secret of making the first date all about him.
If a full-on set up is too intimidating for you, try the group date approach. You can have a few friends get together and bring another single friend to introduce to the group. This is not an official set up, so its clearly non-threatening, yet many sparks have been known to fly. Celebrities who met this way include Demi Moore & new husband Ashton Kutcher, and Clint Black & longtime wife Lisa Hartman.
If you have found yourself looking for a Valentine this year, follow these top five things: Stand out, become a flirt, be intriguing, behave like a great date and enlist your friends. Next Valentine's day you just might find yourself gazing into the eyes of your very own keeper.
Stand out from the crowd
Become a flirt
Show you are intriguing
Behave like a great date
Ask your friends to set you up
Stand Out from the Crowd
You would be amazed how simple it is to stand out from the crowd, in a good way, if you just take the time to care about yourself and how you come across to others. If you take the time daily to be clean, smile and stand tall, you will find you are attracting more and more potential keepers.
A no-brainer should be to pursue cleanliness and skip sloppiness. A daily splash of water and dab of deodorant can do wonders to your appeal to men. You can by-pass negative first impressions right now by simply starting your day with a shower. Turn offs to most any person are dirty fingernails, dirty hair, dirty teeth; messy car, messy home, messy clothes, dirty or messy anything.
After you have started your day with a sprinkle-a-day, light up the room with your smile! This is a great way to stand out from the crowd and it takes no preparation. It can be done at any time of day or night. We are not talking just any smile. Not a smirk or a halfhearted grin. Rather a fully engaged, eye-brightening, cheek-raising, lip-curving, teeth-exposing smile. A genuine smile can literally light up the room. Your smile is the warmest, friendliest part of your physical appearance. That expression tells others you are interested in them.
Remember those words your Mama used to tell you? Stand straight, Shoulders back, stomach in, chest out. Well Mama had it right. Your attractiveness is immediately increased when you sit, stand or walk with good posture. You transform both your confidence and your first impression by focusing on the way you carry yourself. Begin observing the women you admire the ones who seem to breathe confidence just by entering a room and begin mimicking the way they stand and walk. Notice the change in how others respond to you. It could be fun.
Be reassured that you do not have to feel confident before exuding confidence. Walking tall creates that confidence. Fake it till you make it definitely works when it comes to self esteem! Stand tall and you will come across as self assured (not pompous) and thus attractive, Even if your hands are sweating and your legs are shaking. People will want to either be with you or want to be like you.
Become a Flirt
A fun, non-direct way of attracting a great guy, without risking rejection of a more direct approach, is to become a flirt. Combine your new confident posture and charming smile, with appropriate, inviting eye contact and you have just become a flirt. Maintain eye contact for three seconds (five at the most so you do not freak him out) then casually look away. You can flirt your way right into the arms of the one you want. Plus if you stand with your arms uncrossed, you will send the message that you are open to meeting people. Practice this and you will reveal your interest in a safe-non-confronting manner. And if he does not come over and get your number, you do not have to feel rejected because you did not exchange words.
Show you are Intriguing. Everyone can be intriguing if they just go out and get-a-life rather than obsess on finding a mate. Author Rick Warren says We were made to have meaning [The Purpose Driven Life Rick Warren, Grand Rapids: Zondervan 2002, page 30]. Pursue your personal purpose, search for your meaning and you will become intriguing! What are your dreams, aspirations, hobbies? Pursue this life while you are searching for your keeper and you will inevitably become intriguing. Focus on these things in your life during the early stages of love, rather than on hardship, bitterness, or wrongs suffered and your date will be calling you again.
Behave like a Great Date. The ultimate dating secret for attracting a keeper was revealed more than two thousand years ago, and though found in the Good Book, it is seldom heeded. So follow it and you will attract a keeper! That secret is: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. [James 1:19] In other words, especially on the first three dates be quick to listen to his stories, slow to bombard him with wordy details of your stories and careful not to spew anger over past traumas or present insecurities.
How do you do that? Make the first three dates all about him! Start the date with small talk then steer the conversation toward your date and his interests. Actually listen to the answers before you respond.
The skills for charming a date are no different than establishing rapport with world leaders and famous people. Barbara Walters, who has done both, advises "Do not talk excessively about yourself at all in the beginning. Even if you;re an older woman and unmarried, it does not require an explanation.Take it easy on the personal confessions. It will come out as time goes by, when the relationship is well enough established that the skeletons in the closet will be considered amusing dicor. " [Barbara Walters, How to Talk with Practically Anybody about Practically Anything (Garden City, NY, Dell, 1970) page 191-182]
Sure you can interject information about yourself during the night, but do so briefly merely to show the things you have in common. Keeping your date in the spotlight keeps him invested in the evening--Bingo, your goal while you find out if he meets your list as a keeper--very important information to find out early on, before your heart gets way too involved.
Dale Carnegie once said, "One can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them." [Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1936) page 59)]. So show you are genuinely interested in the other person by looking them straight in the eye, not in a freakish stare down, but in a considerate gaze of I am listening to you.
Ask Your Friends to Set You Up.
To some degree we are all shy and insecure, that is human nature, some folks just camouflage their insecurity better than others. If flirting is not your thing, try letting a friend intrude on your love life! Several celebrities met their spouses this way, such as Cindy Crawford & Rande Gerber, Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman , Dennis Quaid & second wife, Kim, and Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra.
Many singles feel like complete losers asking friends for help at love, but if you ask in a fun, non-demanding nor desperate way, you will be surprised at how many people jump at the chance to get involved and set you up. This can be done by making up a wish list for your ideal mate, narrow it down to about a one to three paragraphs. Then come up with a short catch-phrase that describes your ideal keeper. My request for my friends was, "I am looking for the Five Ss --Single, sexy, successful, saved and sane. Know any available men like that?" When they took the bait, I would explain further. During one 18-month period of my life I had over 100 blind-dates and set-ups by friends, acquaintances and family members who were willing to get involved and 98% of those dates asked me out for a second date because I mastered the skill of the ultimate dating secret of making the first date all about him.
If a full-on set up is too intimidating for you, try the group date approach. You can have a few friends get together and bring another single friend to introduce to the group. This is not an official set up, so its clearly non-threatening, yet many sparks have been known to fly. Celebrities who met this way include Demi Moore & new husband Ashton Kutcher, and Clint Black & longtime wife Lisa Hartman.
If you have found yourself looking for a Valentine this year, follow these top five things: Stand out, become a flirt, be intriguing, behave like a great date and enlist your friends. Next Valentine's day you just might find yourself gazing into the eyes of your very own keeper.
Friday, February 03, 2006
4 Ways to Survive a Dateless Valentine's Day
There are great ways to spend a dateless Valentines that can actually put you on the path to ultimately find your man worth keeping!
1. Okay, you have permission to do something to spoil yourself today. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Here are some options:
a. French manicure
b. new hairstyle, color or cut
c. indulge in a massage or facial
d. buy yourself an clothes, shoes, purse….something at the mall that you have been dying to buy but holding back. Just don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.
2. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. Where will you live? How tall will he be? What will his career be? How will he propose? What will the two of you do in your free time? How many children will you have? Just go for it and dream your entire future with this man you are creating.
What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around? My personal list included that my man would believe I was the best thing to ever coming into his life! I had an entire list including his height and weight. Certainly there will be things on your list you can live without, just put the most important qualities at the top of your list and the negotiables toward the bottom. Finish off you evening with your dessert and a polished version of your Man Worth Keeping. Now keep this list with you at all time, be it in your wallet or daytimer, so you’ll recognize him when he appears.
3. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce with a purpose. Have each of your girlfriends write out one page on all their previous relationships including the good and bad qualities of each man. Cross out any character trait that is not repeated and circle the ones that are. THEN each girlfriend writes out a personal WANT AD based solely on the circled character traits. Be creative in your writing and have fun with this process. Have each girl read aloud the Want Ad they’ve subconsciously been putting out there to attrack the men they’ve had thus far in their lives, you’ll laugh and cry at the same time.
4. Grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movie theatre for King Kong or Narnia or Nanny McPhee or Big Mama’s House 2, or The Pink Panther. If you dare see a romantic comedy, check out Failure to Launch with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker. Certainly one of these will entertain your mood. Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.
1. Okay, you have permission to do something to spoil yourself today. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Here are some options:
a. French manicure
b. new hairstyle, color or cut
c. indulge in a massage or facial
d. buy yourself an clothes, shoes, purse….something at the mall that you have been dying to buy but holding back. Just don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.
2. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. Where will you live? How tall will he be? What will his career be? How will he propose? What will the two of you do in your free time? How many children will you have? Just go for it and dream your entire future with this man you are creating.
What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around? My personal list included that my man would believe I was the best thing to ever coming into his life! I had an entire list including his height and weight. Certainly there will be things on your list you can live without, just put the most important qualities at the top of your list and the negotiables toward the bottom. Finish off you evening with your dessert and a polished version of your Man Worth Keeping. Now keep this list with you at all time, be it in your wallet or daytimer, so you’ll recognize him when he appears.
3. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce with a purpose. Have each of your girlfriends write out one page on all their previous relationships including the good and bad qualities of each man. Cross out any character trait that is not repeated and circle the ones that are. THEN each girlfriend writes out a personal WANT AD based solely on the circled character traits. Be creative in your writing and have fun with this process. Have each girl read aloud the Want Ad they’ve subconsciously been putting out there to attrack the men they’ve had thus far in their lives, you’ll laugh and cry at the same time.
4. Grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movie theatre for King Kong or Narnia or Nanny McPhee or Big Mama’s House 2, or The Pink Panther. If you dare see a romantic comedy, check out Failure to Launch with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker. Certainly one of these will entertain your mood. Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Should You Give Him An Expensive Gift?
Okay ladies, if you have found yourself lucky enough to have a date scheduled this Valentine’s Day, here are some gift giving tips to ensure that you keep the romance blooming with your man, rather than wilting.
Valentine’s is the time for your guy to pamper you and win you over, not the reverse. You can be assured he is actively pursuing you if you feel slightly indebted to him. You just don’t want him to think he owes you. Keep that in mind as you shop for the perfect Valentine’s card and gift for your lucky guy. Whatever you do, don’t buy him expensive gifts or try to match or better what you think he will give you.
Creativity and thoughtfulness is what you need an abundance of, not money. And pay close attention to your man’s personal taste, interests and hobbies.
Gift ideas for new love:
Your mission during the early stages of a relationship is to inspire your man to continue seeing you while you decide if he’s a keeper. So take it slowly and refrain from advertising your feelings before he is ready to reveal his. Don’t use your first Valentine’s together to be your opportunity to reveal your undying love. Let HIM make that move. So ladies, if you give anything at all, think creativity and free or very inexpensive, making sure it’s personalized to his taste.
1. Make a Valentine’s Day card that is also a special invitation for a home cooked dinner by you. Have fun as you describe each item on the menu from appetizer to dessert. Hopefully you know him well enough to know his taste in food.
2. Make a card which includes 3 or 4 coupons for him to redeem. Include coupons for things he loves that you may be nervous to try or perhaps you disliked—be it sports, food or a hobby.
a. If he loves basketball and you don’t, offer to watch an entire NBA game
with him as he teaches you the rules.
b. Offer to help him wash his car.
c. Put in a coupon for a foot rub.
d. Listen to him practice a speech for work.
3. If your guy likes coffee, give him some Starbucks or other coffee treats. They can be inexpensive and certainly will be appreciated.
Have fun and be creative. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. He’ll be impressed you have actually listened when you hit a bulls-eye to his personal taste! Remember you are aiming for casual and fun. You want your gift to imply, “Hey, I’d like to get to know you better,” not “I love you truly, deeply, madly.”
Gift ideas for the ongoing or exclusive relationship:
You can risk giving a small gift if you and your guy have been together a while and are exclusive, but not yet engaged. But still, don’t out-give him. Even if you think he may propose to you this evening, don’t come prepared with lavish gifts in return. This is HIS night to shine and yours to enjoy.
Gift ideas:
a. If he has a favorite sports team, get him something with the mascot on it—be it a OU, USC, or Texas Longhorn hat, t-shirt, lounge pants, key chain, frame, etc.
b. Buy inexpensive, yet thoughtful accessories to his favorite hobby be it golf, hunting, football, electronic games. If he has a hobby, there are accessories.
c. Buy him downloads for his Ipod.
d. Get him a new cover for his cell phone.
e. Hopefully you know his taste well enough at this stage to pick out some cologne for him.
f. If you have great taste in fashion, buy him a new sweater or other item of clothing. If you are insecure about your fashion sense, go to the mall and ask a sales lady at a hip clothing store.
g. Create 3 or 4 coupons for you to do some favors for him that he knows you may rather not do, like help him clean is car or house, give him an hour foot or back rub, attend his favorite sporting event, etc.
h. IF he is into golf, perhaps set him up to golf at a hard to get into golf course through some of your connections.
For Married Couple:
By this stage of your relationship you have established how your man handles this holiday and what kind of gifts, if any, your man lavishes. With no fear of scaring him away with announcements of your undying love, you are free to buy into the whole commercial gushy gift giving side of Valentine’s day--from mushy cards, candy, flowers, cutesy themed underwear, t-shirts and so on.
But don’t miss out on the opportunity to revisit your feelings for one another by giving a well thought out gift tailored to your man’s personal taste
Here a few gift giving tips to rekindle the flames of a long time love:
1. Write out a letter listing 100 things you love about your man.
2. Put together a fun gift basket filled with things he’ll like, be it his favorite muchies, sports accessories or gadgets for his hobby.
3. Create the coupons mentioned in the above gift lists.
4. Buy him a hip new shirt, sweater or outfit that he would normally not wear. We are all guilty of falling into ruts in our style sometimes. Here’s your chance to help take a few years off your man.
No matter what stage of love you find yourself this Valentine’s day, make any gift the perfect memorable gift by taking the time to pay attention to his interests, using your creativity rather than pocket book, and personalizing it just for him.
Valentine’s is the time for your guy to pamper you and win you over, not the reverse. You can be assured he is actively pursuing you if you feel slightly indebted to him. You just don’t want him to think he owes you. Keep that in mind as you shop for the perfect Valentine’s card and gift for your lucky guy. Whatever you do, don’t buy him expensive gifts or try to match or better what you think he will give you.
Creativity and thoughtfulness is what you need an abundance of, not money. And pay close attention to your man’s personal taste, interests and hobbies.
Gift ideas for new love:
Your mission during the early stages of a relationship is to inspire your man to continue seeing you while you decide if he’s a keeper. So take it slowly and refrain from advertising your feelings before he is ready to reveal his. Don’t use your first Valentine’s together to be your opportunity to reveal your undying love. Let HIM make that move. So ladies, if you give anything at all, think creativity and free or very inexpensive, making sure it’s personalized to his taste.
1. Make a Valentine’s Day card that is also a special invitation for a home cooked dinner by you. Have fun as you describe each item on the menu from appetizer to dessert. Hopefully you know him well enough to know his taste in food.
2. Make a card which includes 3 or 4 coupons for him to redeem. Include coupons for things he loves that you may be nervous to try or perhaps you disliked—be it sports, food or a hobby.
a. If he loves basketball and you don’t, offer to watch an entire NBA game
with him as he teaches you the rules.
b. Offer to help him wash his car.
c. Put in a coupon for a foot rub.
d. Listen to him practice a speech for work.
3. If your guy likes coffee, give him some Starbucks or other coffee treats. They can be inexpensive and certainly will be appreciated.
Have fun and be creative. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. He’ll be impressed you have actually listened when you hit a bulls-eye to his personal taste! Remember you are aiming for casual and fun. You want your gift to imply, “Hey, I’d like to get to know you better,” not “I love you truly, deeply, madly.”
Gift ideas for the ongoing or exclusive relationship:
You can risk giving a small gift if you and your guy have been together a while and are exclusive, but not yet engaged. But still, don’t out-give him. Even if you think he may propose to you this evening, don’t come prepared with lavish gifts in return. This is HIS night to shine and yours to enjoy.
Gift ideas:
a. If he has a favorite sports team, get him something with the mascot on it—be it a OU, USC, or Texas Longhorn hat, t-shirt, lounge pants, key chain, frame, etc.
b. Buy inexpensive, yet thoughtful accessories to his favorite hobby be it golf, hunting, football, electronic games. If he has a hobby, there are accessories.
c. Buy him downloads for his Ipod.
d. Get him a new cover for his cell phone.
e. Hopefully you know his taste well enough at this stage to pick out some cologne for him.
f. If you have great taste in fashion, buy him a new sweater or other item of clothing. If you are insecure about your fashion sense, go to the mall and ask a sales lady at a hip clothing store.
g. Create 3 or 4 coupons for you to do some favors for him that he knows you may rather not do, like help him clean is car or house, give him an hour foot or back rub, attend his favorite sporting event, etc.
h. IF he is into golf, perhaps set him up to golf at a hard to get into golf course through some of your connections.
For Married Couple:
By this stage of your relationship you have established how your man handles this holiday and what kind of gifts, if any, your man lavishes. With no fear of scaring him away with announcements of your undying love, you are free to buy into the whole commercial gushy gift giving side of Valentine’s day--from mushy cards, candy, flowers, cutesy themed underwear, t-shirts and so on.
But don’t miss out on the opportunity to revisit your feelings for one another by giving a well thought out gift tailored to your man’s personal taste
Here a few gift giving tips to rekindle the flames of a long time love:
1. Write out a letter listing 100 things you love about your man.
2. Put together a fun gift basket filled with things he’ll like, be it his favorite muchies, sports accessories or gadgets for his hobby.
3. Create the coupons mentioned in the above gift lists.
4. Buy him a hip new shirt, sweater or outfit that he would normally not wear. We are all guilty of falling into ruts in our style sometimes. Here’s your chance to help take a few years off your man.
No matter what stage of love you find yourself this Valentine’s day, make any gift the perfect memorable gift by taking the time to pay attention to his interests, using your creativity rather than pocket book, and personalizing it just for him.
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