Friday, August 31, 2007

John Lennon, Owen Wilson and August

John Lennon once said “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” So true, way too often, for most of us. We need occasional wake-up calls to remind us of why we are here and to inspire those unsure to find out. It’s just that the wake-up calls are rarely welcome. For much of Hollywood last week it was the attempted suicide of Owen Wilson, a popular movie star who seemed to have the world at his feet. If someone with everything is despondent…

Overall August was a tough month. One of my readers’ fiancĂ© was tragically killed in a car accident just 10 miles from my house; a precious young mom with 3 kids lost her battle with cancer at just 36; I lost my Grandpa after 5 years living with Alzheimer, my niece lost her Grandpa, the beloved Pastor from my youth. And lastly a very close family friend’s cancer returned and now she’s back in the midst of intense chemo.

The other night I watched the new DVD “The Ultimate Gift”. It was a great book and well done adaptation to a movie. It’s worth renting, by the way. The thought provoking film got me thinking about priorities, how much we take for granted and how spoiled we Americans truly are…

Then last night I pondered “What would I REALLY do today if right now, at this moment, I had no guarantee I’d live until Christmas just 3 months away. Sure I’ve thought about that whenever I’d heard last year’s number one hit “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. But it really pierced me last night as I prayed for my dear friend Johnnie who goes to chemo today.

Death can come anywhere, anytime to anyone. And that includes each of us. None of us has a guarantee of Christmas this year. We don’t even have a guarantee we’ll make it until dinner tonight. So I’m writing today’s blog in honor of Johnnie. Will you allow God to use her pain today as a gift of life for you? If what that famous Beatle said is true and life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, then what does your life reveal? Are you living like you want or missing out because of distractions and plans and fear you won’t get what you want so you hold on so tight to “whatever” that you don’t open your eyes to the life right in front of you?

Let go and forgive someone you’ve wasted energy withholding forgiveness from; take the first step toward that dream you’ve placed on hold for whatever valid excuse; call that friend you’ve put off calling; tell your family you love them, hey, and ask God why you’re here. He promises an answer if you’d only ask.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Scott Baio, Johnny V and Your Friends

I promised to blog more about Scott Baio's show. One more episode left. Will he propose or walk away from his longtime girlfriend?

For any of you who have seen even one episode of VH'1's reality show Scott Baio is 45 and Single, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize he has a toxic friendship with Johnny V, a buddy since his teens. Clearly Johnny's own words and actions make it clear that he is using Scott merely for hook-ups with women and has no apparent capacity to care about Scott's needs or best interests. Needless to say, Johnny V is extremely threatened by the possibility of Scott growing up and giving up his womanizing ways because that will leave Johnny without Scott and thus dateless. Sadly, Johnny V does everything he can to sabotage Scott's attempts at turning his life around. Not only did he make a large bet that Scott would fail to remain celibate for the six weeks, he also constantly and shamelessly threw other women into Scott face to lure him into failure. Johnny V is not a true friend. Hopefully after watching the footage of the show Scott will see his friend for who he is. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what has been happening right in front of you.

This blog isn't just about Scott Baio. It is about you. Is there a friend in YOUR life who is not really your friend? Perhaps you've had this friend in your life for years and years and she is always pulling you down, influencing you to do what you know not to do or don't want to do, yet you go along just because. Ed Young Jr. did an entire series last year entitled "I Had These Friends." What a powerful message it was! He encouraged us all to think back over our lives and trouble we've gotten into (and we've all done SOMETHING wrong in our lives). Most likely it can be traced back to the influence of a friend you chose to hang with, even when you knew better. Talk to ex-cons (I have) and they will tell you the same excuse… "I had these friends".

Is there someone in your life who pretends to care about you, yet deep down you always feel bad about yourself when she is around? Does she criticize, discourage or sabotage most every move or effort you make toward change? Maybe it is time for you to do what Scott Baio finally did, and cut your ties with this friend. Sure it will hurt. This is real life and deep feelings are involved, especially if it is a long term relationship. But if your friend truly is toxic for you, your life without her is exactly what you need to achieve the life you were meant to live!


For more relationship tips, check my blogs weekly.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

When your girlfriend pulls a Denise Richards

I got a few emails along the same theme recently and thought it merited a blog to all. Sadly, like me, many of you have been in this unfortunate place of betrayal: You’re dating a guy or in a committed relationship, or worse, you’re married to him, and a close friend makes a move on your man. Oh, of course she defends herself and says “It just happened” or “He came on to me” or “I thought you two were over...” Blah, blah, blah.

What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.

If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.

As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.

A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).

For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.

I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Scott Baio, Past Boyrfriends and Hope for Getting Over it

Can a commit-phobic bachelor be reformed? That is what Scott Baio is trying to find out in his VH-1 reality show “Scott Baio is 45 and Single.” Contrary to the show airing right before it, this one is good! It’s amazing how two of Pamela Anderson’s ex-flames can have back-to-back reality shows on the same network, and yet be two extremely different shows.

Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.

I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.

This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!

For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.

If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.

I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.