Okay, okay, so most of you come to me for help with your love life. We talk about where to find men, how to get them to ask you out and how to get from date one, to two, all the way down the aisle. But lately a recurring theme is coming up in my coaching sessions, emails and fan letters, so it’s time for me to address the ever important area of friendships with other women!
Why are friendships with other women so important?
1. Women, how we love to talk. That is how we are made. And oh how that detail-oriented, non-stop talking can drive our men crazy. No worries. Girlfriends are great for sharing extreme details of our lives and usually they won’t get bored with your stories as quickly as our men.
2. Girlfriends are great for calling after dates so you can exhaust your excitement, prematurely tell them “this guy is the one for me,” and cover every detail of your moments with him. Why do this? Because if you let your new man know how into him you then you will scare him away before he can call you back. Be cool, share that info your girlfriends and keep your man coming back.
3. Girlfriends are our “elevator people”—people who lift us up and encourage us during the daily anxieties of life. If your friends are bringing you down and chipping at your self-esteem, it’s definitely time to move on from those friends and collect some new ones.
Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! And when our pool of female friends is lacking to say the least, we find ourselves isolated and discouraged. These are the times in our lives when we find we just need more (or new) girlfriends. It could be that we’re still single and all our friends have married off, or we moved to a new place or we are just in a rut, isolated or hanging out with women who are just plain unhealthy for us. What shall you do?
You don’t have to call up your current friends and cause all this conflict. No. Just pull back and cease to call them all the time. While you pull back on time with these friends, step out to make new ones. Finding new friends can be as intimidating as looking for a man to date, especially since your self-esteem may be at an all time low. So here are my tips on developing more girlfriends to get you through your lifetime.
1. Get involved in your church. If you have been at your church “forever” and are in a rut, check out a nearby church and visit there. A great way to expand the quantity of friends is to visit a mega church near you and attend one of their functions (not just the huge church service where you walk in and walk out without meeting anyone.)
2. Go to your city’s website or one near you (all cities have one, just search Google for your community) and check out the upcoming events, get involved in the chamber of commerce or local charity organizations. Most of these events are run by women “in the know” who know lots of other “happening” women in your town.
3. Try out some hobby you’ve been thinking about. You’re bound to meet like-minded girlfriends there.
Wherever you go, make the most of each visit. Take the initiative and introduce yourself to at least two new women each time. Hey, they may be there for the first time too and they’ll be thrilled someone was nice to them and went out of there way to say, “Hi.”
Building lasting friendships involves time and effort and a willingness to give as much as take. It’s an investment well worth every minute. You were made for relationships ladies. And the time is now!
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Saturday, August 18, 2007
When your girlfriend pulls a Denise Richards
I got a few emails along the same theme recently and thought it merited a blog to all. Sadly, like me, many of you have been in this unfortunate place of betrayal: You’re dating a guy or in a committed relationship, or worse, you’re married to him, and a close friend makes a move on your man. Oh, of course she defends herself and says “It just happened” or “He came on to me” or “I thought you two were over...” Blah, blah, blah.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Rah Rah Sisterhood
Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
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