Are You Numb from the Head Down?

Tried of walking all over your men?
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!

“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”

Here’s an excerpt of my reply:

Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.

Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.

All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.

Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.

Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.

THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.

Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.

Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?

May you enjoy your journey to the real you!

Victorya Rogers

Nooooo, Not Another Wedding Invitation!

It's wedding season--hurray. Or is it a drag for you? If you get anxiety when those wedding invitations show up, there is no need to fear. It's all in perspective! Weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s a perfect place to meet your mate. Here's are my tips for single gals going to weddings:

DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.

Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them

Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.

Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.


Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.

WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.

If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.

If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.

And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…

So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.

Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com

Are You Insane?

Within one hour I got three emails from ladies that compelled me to just shake my head in frustration. Girlfriends, you’ve got to snap out of it. As Benjamin Franklin said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you are constantly disappointed by guys and have found yourself today convinced there are no good ones out there, it could just be that you are doing the same thing over and over again. You know what I’m talking about, just hanging out, going to clubs, living your life and when someone notices you or catches your eye, bingo it’s love at first sight, that is until he rips your heart out.

I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.

After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!

Best Place to Meet Single Dads?

According to a brand new survey , the best place to meet single dads these days seems to be online. This interesting article found on the online dating site True.com included data from interviews with over 5000 single dads asking them why they were choosing to date on line and what the perks were for them as opposed to traditional dating. Check it out. It's always intriguing to hear men's perspective.