Wow, I’ve continued to get emails from my July blog about the girls on Bret Michaels dating show Rock of Love. This partial email from Cassie, one of my active readers, sums up those sympathetic to Bret Michaels contestants:
Cassie said, “Don’t you understand why we make the bad decisions we make in relationships? Does love really matter? All love has brought me was a continual test of forgiveness and misery. I have a place inside that is so longing for stability and a different path so much that you question your values and what you really are as far as self respect. I don’t feel desperate but the idea of a different future is enough to make anyone coming out of a bad relationship long for a quick fix like a man with money and status, regardless of whether we get along or if there is a future of companionship and a peaceful environment.”
My response to all the hurting women who find themselves in the same place as Cassie or the Bret Michaels girls (and I KNOW that is a lot of you) is that Yes! I understand why you do what you do. That is why I do what I do—write books and advice columns and coach many of you individually. Because you want one thing and your actions are bringing you something else. I want to shake you and wake you up so you CAN get what you really want. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel like love “sucks” and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But, for starters, if you would only write out your feelings as Cassie did above and then READ IT BACK to yourself out loud so you can see how self destructive you are being and how much of a vicious circle you are choosing to remain in.
Note that Cassie said basically “I want a man with money to solve all my problems and I don’t care if I like him, he likes me, or if there is any future.”
Well yes, you do care, if not now, you will soon enough. And you will reconfirm how love “sucks” as soon as he rips your heart out because he will not make your dreams come true. He will only disappoint. If you are fed up with love, I say you are in a great place. Give it up for now and work on YOU. Stop the madness. Stop rushing towards a quick fix (which doesn’t work) and work on YOU and fall in love with YOU and find out what your dreams really are and pursue them. It is far better to live the life of your dreams alone than keep run from them with person after person who lets you down. And guess what? When you actively pursue the life you really want to live, a better companion for you will appear. And if he doesn’t you will be so content alone, you will be just fine with that!
Showing posts with label Abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abuse. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Are You Numb from the Head Down?
Tried of walking all over your men?
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I'm Sooooo Glad It's Over
I had an appointment today to meet a new photographer for the back cover of my new book “The Automatic Second Date”. We’ve had several phone conversations and each time we talked (or he left a voice message) I got this very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guy talked down to me and was confrontational over little things (I mean this was a business relationship for photos mind you. What could be confrontational about that?). After he shamed me at length for needing directions to his office, I got to his place and was quickly told off for ringing the doorbell instead of knocking (Okay, who knew?). The guy looked just like an old boyfriend—a verbally abusive boyfriend at that. What are the odds?
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
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