Perhaps the most confusing, insecure and scary time to date is right after the dust has settled on a divorce. I mean, what do you do? You've been married for so long and many of you have not been on a date in decades--yikes! What do you do? I was recently asked these very questions by MSN and Match.com. Here's the article and my answers How to Ace First Dates. Hint--hold back, don't tell him all about your horrible ex and whatever you do, don't put out!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
The Automatic 2nd Date (comes out TOMORROW, October 17
Showing posts with label dating problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating problems. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Don't Go BROKE Breaking Up
You don't have to lose EVERYTHING when you break up! You can still walk away with at least your bank account and assets if you know what you are doing. The sad reality is that most couples who break up DON'T know how to protect their money and they're too angry with each other that they just don't care at the very time in their life they REALLY need to care.
Many of you reading my blogs are in the middle of a divorce right now. Having walked alongside several friends during some very ugly divorces, what I have witnessed as the messiest side of divorce is the money lost! Lawyers get rich and you go broke. USA TODAY has a great article offering guidance to people in the exact position you are in today. Click on this link and read the entire article so you don't GO BROKE while you're breaking up!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
Many of you reading my blogs are in the middle of a divorce right now. Having walked alongside several friends during some very ugly divorces, what I have witnessed as the messiest side of divorce is the money lost! Lawyers get rich and you go broke. USA TODAY has a great article offering guidance to people in the exact position you are in today. Click on this link and read the entire article so you don't GO BROKE while you're breaking up!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
Saturday, August 18, 2007
When your girlfriend pulls a Denise Richards
I got a few emails along the same theme recently and thought it merited a blog to all. Sadly, like me, many of you have been in this unfortunate place of betrayal: You’re dating a guy or in a committed relationship, or worse, you’re married to him, and a close friend makes a move on your man. Oh, of course she defends herself and says “It just happened” or “He came on to me” or “I thought you two were over...” Blah, blah, blah.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Rock of Love? Oh Please, Have a Little Respect for the Word
Okay, so some friends just got back from Rocklahoma along with 50,000 other people to see their favorite ‘80s rock bands, including Poison (heavy metal was never my personal thing so I passed). Thinking about their weekend, I just happened to see a promo for Poison’s lead singer Bret Michaels new reality dating show Rock of Love and decided to TiVo it. (http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love/series.jhtml)
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Please STOP! You're Freaking Him Out
I just wanted to tap her on the shoulder
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Nooooo, Not Another Wedding Invitation!
It's wedding season--hurray. Or is it a drag for you? If you get anxiety when those wedding invitations show up, there is no need to fear. It's all in perspective! Weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s a perfect place to meet your mate. Here's are my tips for single gals going to weddings:
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Monday, June 04, 2007
Are You Insane?
Within one hour I got three emails from ladies that compelled me to just shake my head in frustration. Girlfriends, you’ve got to snap out of it. As Benjamin Franklin said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you are constantly disappointed by guys and have found yourself today convinced there are no good ones out there, it could just be that you are doing the same thing over and over again. You know what I’m talking about, just hanging out, going to clubs, living your life and when someone notices you or catches your eye, bingo it’s love at first sight, that is until he rips your heart out.
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
She Darted in the Middle of Heavy Traffic!
I was driving home this morning from dropping my daughter off at school. There was a lady pulled over trying to call over a well-groomed (surely much-loved), collar-wearing, wayward dog running happily and carelessly off toward a busy, crazy intersection. I gasped and held my breath. Whew, she stopped at the light and looked around, seeming to wise up to the danger.
The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.
It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!
Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?
The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.
It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!
Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?
Monday, May 14, 2007
To all the Single Moms out There!
I hope you had an extra special Mother’s Day this year. I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms because aside from rarely, if ever, getting a break or “me” time, Single Moms also frequently get overlooked on Mother’s Day when their children are young because there’s not a Dad to remember to help the kids do something special for Mom. If your little ones forgot to pamper you yesterday, just know that it had nothing to do with any lack of love for their Mom. You are special and appreciated more than you know. Thank you for all that you do—all the hard work, the extra doses of love you pour into your kids when you'd rather sit down and relax, and each and every sacrifice you make. You will be rewarded one day. As the good book says: What you sow you reap; what you put out will come back to you. It may not be overnight, but it will be in due season. You will reap the harvest as you see your precious little one grow up.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I'm Sooooo Glad It's Over
I had an appointment today to meet a new photographer for the back cover of my new book “The Automatic Second Date”. We’ve had several phone conversations and each time we talked (or he left a voice message) I got this very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guy talked down to me and was confrontational over little things (I mean this was a business relationship for photos mind you. What could be confrontational about that?). After he shamed me at length for needing directions to his office, I got to his place and was quickly told off for ringing the doorbell instead of knocking (Okay, who knew?). The guy looked just like an old boyfriend—a verbally abusive boyfriend at that. What are the odds?
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Rah Rah Sisterhood
Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Hate the Way He Treats You?
Your new guys may be a celebrity, rock star, politician, or the hottest guy on campus. But if he's not treating you like you want to be treated is the "notch on your lipstick case" worth the heartache? Been there done that, and believe me, it's not!
So I ask you are you at a loss for why your new guy only sees you secretly and NEVER spends a dime on you? I hear about this all the time and it happened again right in front of my face girlfriends! A gal came into the life of a single friend at one of my parties. The gal was cute and sweet and met our handsome bachelor pal at a holiday party. She noticed how attractive and successful our single friend was and zeroed right in for the kill. She didn’t leave his side that evening and even made the move herself for the lip locking. Did he find her attractive? Sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even think about whether he would pursue her or not. She smothered him from the start. It’s been a few months now. I asked about the update when I heard they still see each other occasionally. She thinks they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
His version? “She calls me all the time. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m just not emotionally available right now.” He admits they “hook up” and talk. Interpretation: She calls, he agrees to see her when nothing else is going on; they get together at one of their homes—no romantic dates, no “wining and dining”. He’s not spending money on her. She’s not getting what any quality single woman deserves and I’m sorry to be quite frank, but it is HER fault!
Here’s the problem, if it’s not obvious enough to you by now. She is too needy, desperate and smothering. And by being that way, she is frustrated in the “relationship” because she is not getting what she wants—respect, love and attention. Is there hope for her? With this guy, only slightly, and only if she stops calling him and lets him actually have time to miss her.
Love lesson: You can’t force love! And you certainly can not fan a flame if you are smothering it. If you are only being invited over to a guys place or hooking up in secluded, non public places, you are NOT the main squeeze--you are the secret fling. Don’t you deserve better than that, no matter WHO the guy is? I would say absolutely yes, so show a little restraint please and get some self respect!
So I ask you are you at a loss for why your new guy only sees you secretly and NEVER spends a dime on you? I hear about this all the time and it happened again right in front of my face girlfriends! A gal came into the life of a single friend at one of my parties. The gal was cute and sweet and met our handsome bachelor pal at a holiday party. She noticed how attractive and successful our single friend was and zeroed right in for the kill. She didn’t leave his side that evening and even made the move herself for the lip locking. Did he find her attractive? Sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even think about whether he would pursue her or not. She smothered him from the start. It’s been a few months now. I asked about the update when I heard they still see each other occasionally. She thinks they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
His version? “She calls me all the time. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m just not emotionally available right now.” He admits they “hook up” and talk. Interpretation: She calls, he agrees to see her when nothing else is going on; they get together at one of their homes—no romantic dates, no “wining and dining”. He’s not spending money on her. She’s not getting what any quality single woman deserves and I’m sorry to be quite frank, but it is HER fault!
Here’s the problem, if it’s not obvious enough to you by now. She is too needy, desperate and smothering. And by being that way, she is frustrated in the “relationship” because she is not getting what she wants—respect, love and attention. Is there hope for her? With this guy, only slightly, and only if she stops calling him and lets him actually have time to miss her.
Love lesson: You can’t force love! And you certainly can not fan a flame if you are smothering it. If you are only being invited over to a guys place or hooking up in secluded, non public places, you are NOT the main squeeze--you are the secret fling. Don’t you deserve better than that, no matter WHO the guy is? I would say absolutely yes, so show a little restraint please and get some self respect!
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