The Bachelor repeats Sleeping with the Enemy?

Jake & Vienna

Jake & Vienna make their much hyped face to face appearance tonight on "The Bachelorette" to explain their breakup after their "He said, She said" interviews they both sold to tabloids. Of course I tuned in for relationship "research" for my readers. Here's the deal girls....I had watched Jake's season on ABC's "The Bachelor". Yes, Vienna has issues getting along with women and had every gal in the house hating her. Yes, she is alienated back home in Florida and doesn't get along with women anywhere. Thus, she has a little work to do in interpersonal relationships. BUT, when you watched the interview between the he two of them tonight, oh my, Jake didn't come out looking very good. In fact he reminded me quite clearly of a leading character in the Julia Roberts starring film Sleeping with the Enemy! He came across as a controlling, angry, freak, oh my. Girls. I have been happily married for over 12 years to a great guy. And you know what? If he measures a room and arranges our furniture and I don't like it, I'll whip out that same tape measure and give my own "expert" opinion. And he won't freak and say "You undermined me." He's knows ahead of time that I'm opinionated and I'm going to do it. Also, if I ask him directions and he tells me exactly where to go, I'm going to whip out my GPS anyway and type in the address and he won't get all angry and lose his attraction for me, he'll instead expect it and yes he'll comment in an irritated voice "Why did you even ask." These two examples are exactly two examples Jake gave to plead his case that Vienna didn't respect him and totally undermined him every moment and that "no man would be attracted to a woman like that." Whew....I could go on and on, but let's just say, ladies, if you're man is that insecure, controlling and troubled when you're dating, don't walk down the aisle, because if self-respect is what you want, he is not a man-to-keep.

Faith of Our Father and The Bachelor

The latest episode of ABC's The Bachelor was the "meet the parents" episode of the season. 4 ladies got to bring Jason home to be checked out to see if he was son-in-law material. Each season there appears to be one bachelorette who has strong faith in Jesus or has a parent filled with faith, and this season was no different, although I was a little surprised to see which one. Naomi did not exactly come across as a bachelorette of faith. But when we met her family -- both her mom and her dad -- I saw why. Her mother is a reincarnation, new age, anyway to heaven kinda gal. Her father is a devout follower of Jesus Christ. I was so proud of him for sharing his faith so eloquently on national TV (he obviously knew the cameras were rolling). Naomi has faith in God, but I'm not sure how close she is to Jesus. Jason revealed he doesn't have a background of faith and it's not a part of his life.

As a relationship coach, I felt bad for Naomi as she is quite niave as many of my young coaching clients are at love. After elimination she went on to say that perhaps should have discussed faith early on in her relationship with Jason but all that really matters in any relationship is that you love each other and then everything else will work out. NO IT WON'T. Wake up and face the divorce rate. There is so much MORE to love than chemical attraction and feelings of love. No matter how much you THINK you love each other, if you do not have common bonds on the important areas of your life, then there will not be a happy ending. You can pretend there will be but you will soon enough realize you were wrong.

Why did that Bachelor Dump You?

Okay so I'm overdue on blogging about the finale of this year's BACHELOR on ABC. As any of the fans of the show know, Brad, the bachelor, chose NO ONE. He had narrowed it down to two, then one, then changed his mind and decided to dump both, even though he asked them to fly Deana's Dad out for permission for a proposal. Jenni & Deanna were both left broken hearted, confused and angry. Welcome to the real world of dating.

Actually as disappointing as the ending was to many viewers, this was unfortunately a typical and realistic scenario. You can do everything right in a relationship and still have your heart ripped out of you. In this case, it was not necessarily the fault of the bachelorettes.

Brad's traumatic teen years were revealed on the first episode. At the divorce of his parents, he and his brothers went from popularity, sports and wealth to poverty and feelings of being "outcasts" all during very impressionable years. All three brothers vowed to never be poor again and seem to have proven they were serious as all three are currently millionaires.

But there were obviously deeper pain that has not yet been handled in our bachelor causing Brad to run away from love, most likely because of lack of trust and some fear that the desertion will "happen again". Though Brad's childhood pain was revealed on episode one, it was never eluded to again all season during any of the "dates" with the girls.

What is the lesson? Ladies you have to spend time really getting to know your man and asking a lot of questions and genuinely listening to his answers. Get to know his background. Get to know how he feels about his family and childhood. If there is some deep pain there that has not been dealt with, you are at risk of a major heartbreak because rarely do men stay with the ones who "fix them."

So what are you to do? Absolutely be compassionate! Absolutely care about his pain. But guard you heart! Take any relationship with this man VERY slow. Encourage him to get help and do some research on books to recommend or perhaps even a counselor nearby whom he can go to. Just don't you be his therapist, because chances are you'll get left the minute he's cured and he'll marry the next girl.

On the other hand, if his pain is not dealt with, he will NOT be emotionally open to love you because he can not trust. These often charismatic and charming damaged bachelors are not creeps and manipulators. They are just hurt and incapable of giving love until they've healed. Thus, even though your guy may seem like the greatest guy you've ever met, falling in love with him may take you exactly where Deanna ended up—to the land of the dumped and devastated.