Happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope you had lots of food and time for reflecting and being thankful for the blessings in your life, ESPECIALLY if you are going through a hard time right now. We all have things to be thankful for, no matter how miserable our circumstances.
If your 2007 included a devastating or unexpected loss, be it divorce, death or a breakup, you most likely have plenty of unanswered questions and a mixture of confusion, sadness, anger and guilt. If this was your year thus far, here's some good news. You have been blessed with a new beginning. Whether you wanted to be single again or not, you are. Good is going to eventually come out of your misery. Thank God for the opportunity to start over. Fresh beginnings are exciting, even when they're scary. This is an important season in your life to take care of you and spend time reflecting on what you REALLY want for the rest of your life. What do you dare dream for your future? Now is the time to do so. Write it down, ask God for help and get ready for a new life in 2008.
In my difficult times I have always found a way to lift my spirits when I focus on the blessings in my life and the opportunities that lie ahead for me from my current starting point. I challenge you to write out 10 blessings in your life right now. If you are really ready to lift your spirits, stick with this exercise and write out 100! Yes, I said 100. Everyone can come up with 100 things in their lives they are thankful for. For example, in 10 seconds, here are some of my blessings--God loves me, my kids are awesome and adorable and healthy. I'm healthy. I live in America, I live in a cozy home, I have plenty of food, I have transportation, My heater works in this winter air, I have a wonderful family, I have an adorable dog even tho' he still wets on my floor... Get the point, I just wrote out 10 things off the top of my head that are big or little blessings in my life. You can do this too.
May you realize many hidden blessings in your life this week!
Here's to many blessings in new beginnings, even when they're not unexpected!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Woke Me Up
I was flipping the channels on TV the other night and happened upon another reality TV show. This show documented the long process of choosing the 2007-2008 cheerleading squad for the Dallas Cowboy’s football team. This episode was their charm school portion of training. Beautiful young ladies were caught with less than perfect manners from biting off more than they can chew to many other lazy eating habits that we all so easily fall into—especially when we’ve been away from dating for a while.
Okay, even I was humbled! I’ve been comfortably married for 10 years now and my manners are not as perfect as they were when I was trying to impress my then boyfriend. I mean when I was single and actively searching for my man, I cared about how I looked, how I dressed, how I walked and how I ate every bite. While there’s no excuse for us getting lazy, too often we all do.
That is what makes it such a culture shock for ladies who find themselves back in the dating world after the divorce, death or break up of a long term relationship. Thus one of the first things to focus on is your overall outward presentation to the world when you get ready to jump back into the dating world. That includes your table manners, posture, clothing, hairstyle, make-up and even the articulation of the words you speak (i.e. “yes” instead of “yea”).
Here’s a fun gift idea for yourself this holiday season—why don’t you grab a friend and sign up for a local charm school. Or maybe even a new hairstyle or clothing makeover. We all deserve a little pampering.
Another way to freshen up your charm is to people watch. Notice how obvious single women act around single men. Are they more aware of their manners and attractiveness than women you see sitting with their husbands? What else do you observe? Not all the single gals will act how you prefer to act. Some will embarrass themselves with being way too provocative which only gains them a potential one night stand and little else. But what you will notice, overall, is that they care about how they present themselves. And that is something we can all work on.
This Thanksgiving be thankful for God giving you a fresh start and have fun reinventing your charming self. You and the world around you will be blessed.
Okay, even I was humbled! I’ve been comfortably married for 10 years now and my manners are not as perfect as they were when I was trying to impress my then boyfriend. I mean when I was single and actively searching for my man, I cared about how I looked, how I dressed, how I walked and how I ate every bite. While there’s no excuse for us getting lazy, too often we all do.
That is what makes it such a culture shock for ladies who find themselves back in the dating world after the divorce, death or break up of a long term relationship. Thus one of the first things to focus on is your overall outward presentation to the world when you get ready to jump back into the dating world. That includes your table manners, posture, clothing, hairstyle, make-up and even the articulation of the words you speak (i.e. “yes” instead of “yea”).
Here’s a fun gift idea for yourself this holiday season—why don’t you grab a friend and sign up for a local charm school. Or maybe even a new hairstyle or clothing makeover. We all deserve a little pampering.
Another way to freshen up your charm is to people watch. Notice how obvious single women act around single men. Are they more aware of their manners and attractiveness than women you see sitting with their husbands? What else do you observe? Not all the single gals will act how you prefer to act. Some will embarrass themselves with being way too provocative which only gains them a potential one night stand and little else. But what you will notice, overall, is that they care about how they present themselves. And that is something we can all work on.
This Thanksgiving be thankful for God giving you a fresh start and have fun reinventing your charming self. You and the world around you will be blessed.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Your Next Date may be just a Friend Away
Who in your social circle has access to the highly sought after? Who hangs around fascinating people? Who has a unique career or ministry where single men may be found? Who loves to meddle in other people’s affairs? You won’t know who may be willing to get involved unless you ask! (Page 91, The Automatic 2nd Date)
So often I hear single women say they just can't find dates and yet they don't ask their friends to set them up! Trust me, people just love to get involved in other people's business. Just give them permission to get involved in yours! Ask your friends if they know anyone right for you. You just never know who THEY know.
For more details on exactly how to get your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors and family involved in your love life, pick up a copy of The Automatic 2nd Date.
So often I hear single women say they just can't find dates and yet they don't ask their friends to set them up! Trust me, people just love to get involved in other people's business. Just give them permission to get involved in yours! Ask your friends if they know anyone right for you. You just never know who THEY know.
For more details on exactly how to get your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors and family involved in your love life, pick up a copy of The Automatic 2nd Date.
The Ultimate Gift for the Whole Family
Do you need a little wake up call about the meaning of life? Are you looking for a movie that pulls you in and makes you stop and think yet entertains you with laughter and tears at the same time? If the answer is yes, then pick up this pleasant surprise of a movie. The premise of The Ultimate Gift (based on Jim Stovall's book by the same title) is a snotty rich kids expects to inherit millions from his Grandfather to continue with his limitless cashflow of a life he's lived thus far. Boy is he in for a surprise. The film begins with a billionaire's death. His more than superficous, obnoxious relatives all come in for the reading of the will. Of course, no one is pleased with the reading. The main character, grandson, Jason Stevens, is no exception. The billionaire, aptly played by James Garner, has left Jason a peculiar gift. A series of gifts actually, via video tape and delivered through his longtime lawyer and friend Ted Hamilton, played by Bill Cobbs. Jason Stevens must successfully complete all requirements of each "test" to get each gift, without knowing what he gets each time he is successful and always with the threat that if he blows it, everything is lost. Jason's world is literally turned upside down with each new gift as everything is literally taken away from him--his money, his friends, his car, his home, his dignity and even his freedom. Not since The Christmas Carol, has a story successfully engaged its viewers in such a journey. Screenwriting newcomer Cheryl McKay does a beautiful job adapting Jim Stovall's brilliant tale. An enhancement to the already great book was McKay's expansion of the "one true friend" little girl character Emily, played by Abigail Breslin. In the film version of Ultimate Gift, Emily is a major storyline which worked well for the big screen. Certainly director Michael Sajbel deserves credit and mention for the well done adaptation as well. I thoroughly enjoyed the casting as well, especially James Garner, Bill Cobbs and Lee Meriwether. If you've ever been spoiled, taken your life for granted, felt broke, been disenchanted about your life, been unappreciative, or just had one of those days, grab a tissue and watch The Ultimate Gift. You'll get your life back into perspective.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Brad Pitt, God and Ego
Brad Pitt discussed his view of religion and God last week in Parade magazine. He basically said he thinks religion is fine for a crutch to comfort you for any little crisis you may face but he “didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”
Here's my rebuttal, as I'll address both sides of Brad Pitt's view of God and religion. First, about religion being a crutch, to some people that would be a correct analysis. There are many elements of religion that can be considered a crutch--sympton relief as I would call it. And symptom relief is an epidemic today. Symptom relief is sought in religion, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, relationships, anti-depresants, affairs, careers, fame, movies, money, distractions, busy-ness, really ANYTHING that distracts you from thinking about your problems, sadness or emptiness at any given time is symptom relief or "a crutch." So many people are so empty inside that they are pursuing anything and everything to fill this huge void they feel inside and nothing satisfies--not money, not fame, not anything, except a relationship with Jesus.
I get the whole disappointment with religion view. But there is a difference between religion and a relationship with Jesus. A personal relationship with Jesus is far from a crutch. He is real and does indeed give you true meaning. To know that you were actually created deliberately and for a purpose is quite awe inspiring. Just read Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible if you were to drop it).. Every single day of our life was known by God before we lived one of them. God loves us, regardless of the love of our parents. Read the book of John (4th little book in the New Testament about ¾ the way through the Bible. There’s man-made religion and then there’s God, who created the world and sent Jesus to save us from the mess we’ve made of our lives. That’s not a crutch, that’s a solution.
Okay, now for Brad Pitt's other view about God and ego when he said “I didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”
First, I find this humorous coming from a celebrity, when Pitt himself admitted he pursued acting for fame. You pursue fame for ego. I’m not judging that as bad. I’m just making a point.
When I (Victorya) was a little girl I had a vivid imagination, especially when playing with my Barbie dolls. I remember one time I was trying to understand God when I actually pondered this very topic that Brad Pitt talked about and I came to a complete different conclusion. I was thinking about how much fun I was having creating this whole little world for my Barbie, Ken and Skipper dolls (I mean I had the camper, the house, the pool and the whole bit) and I started thinking—“Hey I’m doing this all so they can have a really great time and be really comfortable, and live happily ever after.” Then I thought, “What if they started making fun of me and giving credit to someone else for what I did for them and not appreciating anything I did for them. In fact instead, they complained all the time that they wanted more and they hated me and pretended I didn’t exist….hmmm, I would just stop playing with them. In fact, I’d get rid of my dolls and have nothing more to do with them, so there.”
This was the thought of me as an 8 year old girl, but I still remember it. And I wasn’t thinking that was because my ego was bruised. I was thinking about God and how we treat him. I was thinking “Wow, if God really created us and we all keep treated Him the way we do and talking bad about Him and not appreciating Him and we keep giving any and everyone ELSE the credit, it is amazing that God just hasn’t blown us all up yet, because we deserve it. That is amazing love that He gives us with all these 2nd chances when we don’t deserve it. And to think He sent Jesus, His only son to DIE for us when we were making fun of Him. That is crazy love. But the Bible says God did exactly that. That is far from ego. That’s giving undeserved love, also known as grace, and something I am honored to receive. Anyone who asks Jesus to come in and live in them will be welcomed home just like me. That well known verse John 3:16 and the one that follows it John 3:17 tells it all—For God loved us so much that he sent his son to die for us and if he believe in him, we’ll be His. Then He clarified that He didn’t send Jesus from some ego or to destroy or condemn us but to save us from ourselves.
Forget religion, crutches or other symptom relief. If you have an emptiness inside, get to know Jesus. He promises to save you.
Here's my rebuttal, as I'll address both sides of Brad Pitt's view of God and religion. First, about religion being a crutch, to some people that would be a correct analysis. There are many elements of religion that can be considered a crutch--sympton relief as I would call it. And symptom relief is an epidemic today. Symptom relief is sought in religion, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, relationships, anti-depresants, affairs, careers, fame, movies, money, distractions, busy-ness, really ANYTHING that distracts you from thinking about your problems, sadness or emptiness at any given time is symptom relief or "a crutch." So many people are so empty inside that they are pursuing anything and everything to fill this huge void they feel inside and nothing satisfies--not money, not fame, not anything, except a relationship with Jesus.
I get the whole disappointment with religion view. But there is a difference between religion and a relationship with Jesus. A personal relationship with Jesus is far from a crutch. He is real and does indeed give you true meaning. To know that you were actually created deliberately and for a purpose is quite awe inspiring. Just read Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible if you were to drop it).. Every single day of our life was known by God before we lived one of them. God loves us, regardless of the love of our parents. Read the book of John (4th little book in the New Testament about ¾ the way through the Bible. There’s man-made religion and then there’s God, who created the world and sent Jesus to save us from the mess we’ve made of our lives. That’s not a crutch, that’s a solution.
Okay, now for Brad Pitt's other view about God and ego when he said “I didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”
First, I find this humorous coming from a celebrity, when Pitt himself admitted he pursued acting for fame. You pursue fame for ego. I’m not judging that as bad. I’m just making a point.
When I (Victorya) was a little girl I had a vivid imagination, especially when playing with my Barbie dolls. I remember one time I was trying to understand God when I actually pondered this very topic that Brad Pitt talked about and I came to a complete different conclusion. I was thinking about how much fun I was having creating this whole little world for my Barbie, Ken and Skipper dolls (I mean I had the camper, the house, the pool and the whole bit) and I started thinking—“Hey I’m doing this all so they can have a really great time and be really comfortable, and live happily ever after.” Then I thought, “What if they started making fun of me and giving credit to someone else for what I did for them and not appreciating anything I did for them. In fact instead, they complained all the time that they wanted more and they hated me and pretended I didn’t exist….hmmm, I would just stop playing with them. In fact, I’d get rid of my dolls and have nothing more to do with them, so there.”
This was the thought of me as an 8 year old girl, but I still remember it. And I wasn’t thinking that was because my ego was bruised. I was thinking about God and how we treat him. I was thinking “Wow, if God really created us and we all keep treated Him the way we do and talking bad about Him and not appreciating Him and we keep giving any and everyone ELSE the credit, it is amazing that God just hasn’t blown us all up yet, because we deserve it. That is amazing love that He gives us with all these 2nd chances when we don’t deserve it. And to think He sent Jesus, His only son to DIE for us when we were making fun of Him. That is crazy love. But the Bible says God did exactly that. That is far from ego. That’s giving undeserved love, also known as grace, and something I am honored to receive. Anyone who asks Jesus to come in and live in them will be welcomed home just like me. That well known verse John 3:16 and the one that follows it John 3:17 tells it all—For God loved us so much that he sent his son to die for us and if he believe in him, we’ll be His. Then He clarified that He didn’t send Jesus from some ego or to destroy or condemn us but to save us from ourselves.
Forget religion, crutches or other symptom relief. If you have an emptiness inside, get to know Jesus. He promises to save you.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
YOU Can Get an Automatic 2nd Date!
Today is the day. The Automatic 2nd Date hit bookstores everywhere. Check it out and tell your friends. Now you will know everything to do and say on a first date to guarantee a second. PLUS there are many pages on where to FIND your next date and how to flirt with him to compel him to walk right on over and ask you out!
Victorya Rogers
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Back in the Dating Game after Divorce?
Perhaps the most confusing, insecure and scary time to date is right after the dust has settled on a divorce. I mean, what do you do? You've been married for so long and many of you have not been on a date in decades--yikes! What do you do? I was recently asked these very questions by MSN and Match.com. Here's the article and my answers How to Ace First Dates. Hint--hold back, don't tell him all about your horrible ex and whatever you do, don't put out!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
The Automatic 2nd Date (comes out TOMORROW, October 17
Victorya Michaels Rogers
The Automatic 2nd Date (comes out TOMORROW, October 17
Friday, September 28, 2007
Don't Go BROKE Breaking Up
You don't have to lose EVERYTHING when you break up! You can still walk away with at least your bank account and assets if you know what you are doing. The sad reality is that most couples who break up DON'T know how to protect their money and they're too angry with each other that they just don't care at the very time in their life they REALLY need to care.
Many of you reading my blogs are in the middle of a divorce right now. Having walked alongside several friends during some very ugly divorces, what I have witnessed as the messiest side of divorce is the money lost! Lawyers get rich and you go broke. USA TODAY has a great article offering guidance to people in the exact position you are in today. Click on this link and read the entire article so you don't GO BROKE while you're breaking up!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
Many of you reading my blogs are in the middle of a divorce right now. Having walked alongside several friends during some very ugly divorces, what I have witnessed as the messiest side of divorce is the money lost! Lawyers get rich and you go broke. USA TODAY has a great article offering guidance to people in the exact position you are in today. Click on this link and read the entire article so you don't GO BROKE while you're breaking up!
Victorya Michaels Rogers
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Exactly WHY We Blow Our Love Life
Wow, I’ve continued to get emails from my July blog about the girls on Bret Michaels dating show Rock of Love. This partial email from Cassie, one of my active readers, sums up those sympathetic to Bret Michaels contestants:
Cassie said, “Don’t you understand why we make the bad decisions we make in relationships? Does love really matter? All love has brought me was a continual test of forgiveness and misery. I have a place inside that is so longing for stability and a different path so much that you question your values and what you really are as far as self respect. I don’t feel desperate but the idea of a different future is enough to make anyone coming out of a bad relationship long for a quick fix like a man with money and status, regardless of whether we get along or if there is a future of companionship and a peaceful environment.”
My response to all the hurting women who find themselves in the same place as Cassie or the Bret Michaels girls (and I KNOW that is a lot of you) is that Yes! I understand why you do what you do. That is why I do what I do—write books and advice columns and coach many of you individually. Because you want one thing and your actions are bringing you something else. I want to shake you and wake you up so you CAN get what you really want. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel like love “sucks” and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But, for starters, if you would only write out your feelings as Cassie did above and then READ IT BACK to yourself out loud so you can see how self destructive you are being and how much of a vicious circle you are choosing to remain in.
Note that Cassie said basically “I want a man with money to solve all my problems and I don’t care if I like him, he likes me, or if there is any future.”
Well yes, you do care, if not now, you will soon enough. And you will reconfirm how love “sucks” as soon as he rips your heart out because he will not make your dreams come true. He will only disappoint. If you are fed up with love, I say you are in a great place. Give it up for now and work on YOU. Stop the madness. Stop rushing towards a quick fix (which doesn’t work) and work on YOU and fall in love with YOU and find out what your dreams really are and pursue them. It is far better to live the life of your dreams alone than keep run from them with person after person who lets you down. And guess what? When you actively pursue the life you really want to live, a better companion for you will appear. And if he doesn’t you will be so content alone, you will be just fine with that!
Cassie said, “Don’t you understand why we make the bad decisions we make in relationships? Does love really matter? All love has brought me was a continual test of forgiveness and misery. I have a place inside that is so longing for stability and a different path so much that you question your values and what you really are as far as self respect. I don’t feel desperate but the idea of a different future is enough to make anyone coming out of a bad relationship long for a quick fix like a man with money and status, regardless of whether we get along or if there is a future of companionship and a peaceful environment.”
My response to all the hurting women who find themselves in the same place as Cassie or the Bret Michaels girls (and I KNOW that is a lot of you) is that Yes! I understand why you do what you do. That is why I do what I do—write books and advice columns and coach many of you individually. Because you want one thing and your actions are bringing you something else. I want to shake you and wake you up so you CAN get what you really want. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel like love “sucks” and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But, for starters, if you would only write out your feelings as Cassie did above and then READ IT BACK to yourself out loud so you can see how self destructive you are being and how much of a vicious circle you are choosing to remain in.
Note that Cassie said basically “I want a man with money to solve all my problems and I don’t care if I like him, he likes me, or if there is any future.”
Well yes, you do care, if not now, you will soon enough. And you will reconfirm how love “sucks” as soon as he rips your heart out because he will not make your dreams come true. He will only disappoint. If you are fed up with love, I say you are in a great place. Give it up for now and work on YOU. Stop the madness. Stop rushing towards a quick fix (which doesn’t work) and work on YOU and fall in love with YOU and find out what your dreams really are and pursue them. It is far better to live the life of your dreams alone than keep run from them with person after person who lets you down. And guess what? When you actively pursue the life you really want to live, a better companion for you will appear. And if he doesn’t you will be so content alone, you will be just fine with that!
Friday, August 31, 2007
John Lennon, Owen Wilson and August
John Lennon once said “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” So true, way too often, for most of us. We need occasional wake-up calls to remind us of why we are here and to inspire those unsure to find out. It’s just that the wake-up calls are rarely welcome. For much of Hollywood last week it was the attempted suicide of Owen Wilson, a popular movie star who seemed to have the world at his feet. If someone with everything is despondent…
Overall August was a tough month. One of my readers’ fiancé was tragically killed in a car accident just 10 miles from my house; a precious young mom with 3 kids lost her battle with cancer at just 36; I lost my Grandpa after 5 years living with Alzheimer, my niece lost her Grandpa, the beloved Pastor from my youth. And lastly a very close family friend’s cancer returned and now she’s back in the midst of intense chemo.
The other night I watched the new DVD “The Ultimate Gift”. It was a great book and well done adaptation to a movie. It’s worth renting, by the way. The thought provoking film got me thinking about priorities, how much we take for granted and how spoiled we Americans truly are…
Then last night I pondered “What would I REALLY do today if right now, at this moment, I had no guarantee I’d live until Christmas just 3 months away. Sure I’ve thought about that whenever I’d heard last year’s number one hit “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. But it really pierced me last night as I prayed for my dear friend Johnnie who goes to chemo today.
Death can come anywhere, anytime to anyone. And that includes each of us. None of us has a guarantee of Christmas this year. We don’t even have a guarantee we’ll make it until dinner tonight. So I’m writing today’s blog in honor of Johnnie. Will you allow God to use her pain today as a gift of life for you? If what that famous Beatle said is true and life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, then what does your life reveal? Are you living like you want or missing out because of distractions and plans and fear you won’t get what you want so you hold on so tight to “whatever” that you don’t open your eyes to the life right in front of you?
Let go and forgive someone you’ve wasted energy withholding forgiveness from; take the first step toward that dream you’ve placed on hold for whatever valid excuse; call that friend you’ve put off calling; tell your family you love them, hey, and ask God why you’re here. He promises an answer if you’d only ask.
Overall August was a tough month. One of my readers’ fiancé was tragically killed in a car accident just 10 miles from my house; a precious young mom with 3 kids lost her battle with cancer at just 36; I lost my Grandpa after 5 years living with Alzheimer, my niece lost her Grandpa, the beloved Pastor from my youth. And lastly a very close family friend’s cancer returned and now she’s back in the midst of intense chemo.
The other night I watched the new DVD “The Ultimate Gift”. It was a great book and well done adaptation to a movie. It’s worth renting, by the way. The thought provoking film got me thinking about priorities, how much we take for granted and how spoiled we Americans truly are…
Then last night I pondered “What would I REALLY do today if right now, at this moment, I had no guarantee I’d live until Christmas just 3 months away. Sure I’ve thought about that whenever I’d heard last year’s number one hit “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. But it really pierced me last night as I prayed for my dear friend Johnnie who goes to chemo today.
Death can come anywhere, anytime to anyone. And that includes each of us. None of us has a guarantee of Christmas this year. We don’t even have a guarantee we’ll make it until dinner tonight. So I’m writing today’s blog in honor of Johnnie. Will you allow God to use her pain today as a gift of life for you? If what that famous Beatle said is true and life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, then what does your life reveal? Are you living like you want or missing out because of distractions and plans and fear you won’t get what you want so you hold on so tight to “whatever” that you don’t open your eyes to the life right in front of you?
Let go and forgive someone you’ve wasted energy withholding forgiveness from; take the first step toward that dream you’ve placed on hold for whatever valid excuse; call that friend you’ve put off calling; tell your family you love them, hey, and ask God why you’re here. He promises an answer if you’d only ask.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Scott Baio, Johnny V and Your Friends
I promised to blog more about Scott Baio's show. One more episode left. Will he propose or walk away from his longtime girlfriend?
For any of you who have seen even one episode of VH'1's reality show Scott Baio is 45 and Single, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize he has a toxic friendship with Johnny V, a buddy since his teens. Clearly Johnny's own words and actions make it clear that he is using Scott merely for hook-ups with women and has no apparent capacity to care about Scott's needs or best interests. Needless to say, Johnny V is extremely threatened by the possibility of Scott growing up and giving up his womanizing ways because that will leave Johnny without Scott and thus dateless. Sadly, Johnny V does everything he can to sabotage Scott's attempts at turning his life around. Not only did he make a large bet that Scott would fail to remain celibate for the six weeks, he also constantly and shamelessly threw other women into Scott face to lure him into failure. Johnny V is not a true friend. Hopefully after watching the footage of the show Scott will see his friend for who he is. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what has been happening right in front of you.
This blog isn't just about Scott Baio. It is about you. Is there a friend in YOUR life who is not really your friend? Perhaps you've had this friend in your life for years and years and she is always pulling you down, influencing you to do what you know not to do or don't want to do, yet you go along just because. Ed Young Jr. did an entire series last year entitled "I Had These Friends." What a powerful message it was! He encouraged us all to think back over our lives and trouble we've gotten into (and we've all done SOMETHING wrong in our lives). Most likely it can be traced back to the influence of a friend you chose to hang with, even when you knew better. Talk to ex-cons (I have) and they will tell you the same excuse… "I had these friends".
Is there someone in your life who pretends to care about you, yet deep down you always feel bad about yourself when she is around? Does she criticize, discourage or sabotage most every move or effort you make toward change? Maybe it is time for you to do what Scott Baio finally did, and cut your ties with this friend. Sure it will hurt. This is real life and deep feelings are involved, especially if it is a long term relationship. But if your friend truly is toxic for you, your life without her is exactly what you need to achieve the life you were meant to live!
For more relationship tips, check my blogs weekly.
For any of you who have seen even one episode of VH'1's reality show Scott Baio is 45 and Single, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize he has a toxic friendship with Johnny V, a buddy since his teens. Clearly Johnny's own words and actions make it clear that he is using Scott merely for hook-ups with women and has no apparent capacity to care about Scott's needs or best interests. Needless to say, Johnny V is extremely threatened by the possibility of Scott growing up and giving up his womanizing ways because that will leave Johnny without Scott and thus dateless. Sadly, Johnny V does everything he can to sabotage Scott's attempts at turning his life around. Not only did he make a large bet that Scott would fail to remain celibate for the six weeks, he also constantly and shamelessly threw other women into Scott face to lure him into failure. Johnny V is not a true friend. Hopefully after watching the footage of the show Scott will see his friend for who he is. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what has been happening right in front of you.
This blog isn't just about Scott Baio. It is about you. Is there a friend in YOUR life who is not really your friend? Perhaps you've had this friend in your life for years and years and she is always pulling you down, influencing you to do what you know not to do or don't want to do, yet you go along just because. Ed Young Jr. did an entire series last year entitled "I Had These Friends." What a powerful message it was! He encouraged us all to think back over our lives and trouble we've gotten into (and we've all done SOMETHING wrong in our lives). Most likely it can be traced back to the influence of a friend you chose to hang with, even when you knew better. Talk to ex-cons (I have) and they will tell you the same excuse… "I had these friends".
Is there someone in your life who pretends to care about you, yet deep down you always feel bad about yourself when she is around? Does she criticize, discourage or sabotage most every move or effort you make toward change? Maybe it is time for you to do what Scott Baio finally did, and cut your ties with this friend. Sure it will hurt. This is real life and deep feelings are involved, especially if it is a long term relationship. But if your friend truly is toxic for you, your life without her is exactly what you need to achieve the life you were meant to live!
For more relationship tips, check my blogs weekly.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
When your girlfriend pulls a Denise Richards
I got a few emails along the same theme recently and thought it merited a blog to all. Sadly, like me, many of you have been in this unfortunate place of betrayal: You’re dating a guy or in a committed relationship, or worse, you’re married to him, and a close friend makes a move on your man. Oh, of course she defends herself and says “It just happened” or “He came on to me” or “I thought you two were over...” Blah, blah, blah.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Scott Baio, Past Boyrfriends and Hope for Getting Over it
Can a commit-phobic bachelor be reformed? That is what Scott Baio is trying to find out in his VH-1 reality show “Scott Baio is 45 and Single.” Contrary to the show airing right before it, this one is good! It’s amazing how two of Pamela Anderson’s ex-flames can have back-to-back reality shows on the same network, and yet be two extremely different shows.
Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.
I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.
This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!
For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.
If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.
I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.
Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.
I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.
This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!
For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.
If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.
I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Rock of Love? Oh Please, Have a Little Respect for the Word
Okay, so some friends just got back from Rocklahoma along with 50,000 other people to see their favorite ‘80s rock bands, including Poison (heavy metal was never my personal thing so I passed). Thinking about their weekend, I just happened to see a promo for Poison’s lead singer Bret Michaels new reality dating show Rock of Love and decided to TiVo it. (http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love/series.jhtml)
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Please STOP! You're Freaking Him Out
I just wanted to tap her on the shoulder
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Are You Numb from the Head Down?
Tried of walking all over your men?
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Nooooo, Not Another Wedding Invitation!
It's wedding season--hurray. Or is it a drag for you? If you get anxiety when those wedding invitations show up, there is no need to fear. It's all in perspective! Weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s a perfect place to meet your mate. Here's are my tips for single gals going to weddings:
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Monday, June 04, 2007
Are You Insane?
Within one hour I got three emails from ladies that compelled me to just shake my head in frustration. Girlfriends, you’ve got to snap out of it. As Benjamin Franklin said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you are constantly disappointed by guys and have found yourself today convinced there are no good ones out there, it could just be that you are doing the same thing over and over again. You know what I’m talking about, just hanging out, going to clubs, living your life and when someone notices you or catches your eye, bingo it’s love at first sight, that is until he rips your heart out.
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Best Place to Meet Single Dads?
According to a brand new survey , the best place to meet single dads these days seems to be online. This interesting article found on the online dating site True.com included data from interviews with over 5000 single dads asking them why they were choosing to date on line and what the perks were for them as opposed to traditional dating. Check it out. It's always intriguing to hear men's perspective.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Go Ahead Make His Day
Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all are enjoying a day with friends and family to relax and eat All American favorite like Hamburgers and Hot Dogs. We are so thrilled to get a day off that too often we forget to pay attention to what each holiday means, especially this one.
Now if you are like most women, we just have this THING for men in uniforms. I mean they look so handsome and brave and protective… Yet, seldom do we stop and think that men in the military really do put their very lives on the line for us. They (and their families) sacrifice for us so we can continue living in this country with the freedom, comfort, and lifestyle we so take for granted.
I heard an amazing statistic yesterday. In the history of United States, during times of war, 43 million Americans have put on their uniform to defend our freedom. 2.79% of those 43 million gave their lives while doing so.
If you see a man (or woman) in uniform, especially today, walk over to them and say “Thank You”. If you know someone who spent time or currently is in the military tell them you appreciate what they do. If you see someone at a restaurant wearing a ball-cap or t-shirt revealing they were in the armed services, go out of your way to say Thank You.
I was at a luncheon last year and heard a man tell his story of how God has miraculously saved his life during a fierce and bloody tour of Vietnam. Many of his friends died in front of him, yet he made it home with a bullet hole and a limp. By the end of his talk he broke down in tears. Alive but wounded, he did not come home to parades of thanks. Rather Vietnam Vets were treated at best by being ignored, at worse by being ridiculed by fellow Americans against that particular war. The reason for his tears today? He was eating breakfast in a small café that very morning and had been wearing his favorite hat that said Vietnam Vet. A lady came over to his table and said “Thank you for serving our country!” That is all she said and walked away. Sobs began to drench his table at that small café. You see he had been home from war 35 years and this was the VERY FIRST American who had thanked him for putting his life on the line for her!
I don’t care if you are for the War on Terror or against it today, whether you were for Vietnam or against Vietnam, or any other war where Americans defended our freedom. Make our veterans and active military’s day by thanking them! Honor them for what they gave up for you even though they don’t know you! It only takes two words uttered from your mouth to honor those who protect us. Make their day—say THANK YOU--today and every day you pass one who served!
Lastly for you who have family members serving our country—thank you for the sacrifices you make each and every day while they are in harms way.
Happy Memorial Day. We honor you!
Now if you are like most women, we just have this THING for men in uniforms. I mean they look so handsome and brave and protective… Yet, seldom do we stop and think that men in the military really do put their very lives on the line for us. They (and their families) sacrifice for us so we can continue living in this country with the freedom, comfort, and lifestyle we so take for granted.
I heard an amazing statistic yesterday. In the history of United States, during times of war, 43 million Americans have put on their uniform to defend our freedom. 2.79% of those 43 million gave their lives while doing so.
If you see a man (or woman) in uniform, especially today, walk over to them and say “Thank You”. If you know someone who spent time or currently is in the military tell them you appreciate what they do. If you see someone at a restaurant wearing a ball-cap or t-shirt revealing they were in the armed services, go out of your way to say Thank You.
I was at a luncheon last year and heard a man tell his story of how God has miraculously saved his life during a fierce and bloody tour of Vietnam. Many of his friends died in front of him, yet he made it home with a bullet hole and a limp. By the end of his talk he broke down in tears. Alive but wounded, he did not come home to parades of thanks. Rather Vietnam Vets were treated at best by being ignored, at worse by being ridiculed by fellow Americans against that particular war. The reason for his tears today? He was eating breakfast in a small café that very morning and had been wearing his favorite hat that said Vietnam Vet. A lady came over to his table and said “Thank you for serving our country!” That is all she said and walked away. Sobs began to drench his table at that small café. You see he had been home from war 35 years and this was the VERY FIRST American who had thanked him for putting his life on the line for her!
I don’t care if you are for the War on Terror or against it today, whether you were for Vietnam or against Vietnam, or any other war where Americans defended our freedom. Make our veterans and active military’s day by thanking them! Honor them for what they gave up for you even though they don’t know you! It only takes two words uttered from your mouth to honor those who protect us. Make their day—say THANK YOU--today and every day you pass one who served!
Lastly for you who have family members serving our country—thank you for the sacrifices you make each and every day while they are in harms way.
Happy Memorial Day. We honor you!
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