I promised to blog more about Scott Baio's show. One more episode left. Will he propose or walk away from his longtime girlfriend?
For any of you who have seen even one episode of VH'1's reality show Scott Baio is 45 and Single, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize he has a toxic friendship with Johnny V, a buddy since his teens. Clearly Johnny's own words and actions make it clear that he is using Scott merely for hook-ups with women and has no apparent capacity to care about Scott's needs or best interests. Needless to say, Johnny V is extremely threatened by the possibility of Scott growing up and giving up his womanizing ways because that will leave Johnny without Scott and thus dateless. Sadly, Johnny V does everything he can to sabotage Scott's attempts at turning his life around. Not only did he make a large bet that Scott would fail to remain celibate for the six weeks, he also constantly and shamelessly threw other women into Scott face to lure him into failure. Johnny V is not a true friend. Hopefully after watching the footage of the show Scott will see his friend for who he is. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what has been happening right in front of you.
This blog isn't just about Scott Baio. It is about you. Is there a friend in YOUR life who is not really your friend? Perhaps you've had this friend in your life for years and years and she is always pulling you down, influencing you to do what you know not to do or don't want to do, yet you go along just because. Ed Young Jr. did an entire series last year entitled "I Had These Friends." What a powerful message it was! He encouraged us all to think back over our lives and trouble we've gotten into (and we've all done SOMETHING wrong in our lives). Most likely it can be traced back to the influence of a friend you chose to hang with, even when you knew better. Talk to ex-cons (I have) and they will tell you the same excuse… "I had these friends".
Is there someone in your life who pretends to care about you, yet deep down you always feel bad about yourself when she is around? Does she criticize, discourage or sabotage most every move or effort you make toward change? Maybe it is time for you to do what Scott Baio finally did, and cut your ties with this friend. Sure it will hurt. This is real life and deep feelings are involved, especially if it is a long term relationship. But if your friend truly is toxic for you, your life without her is exactly what you need to achieve the life you were meant to live!
For more relationship tips, check my blogs weekly.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
When your girlfriend pulls a Denise Richards
I got a few emails along the same theme recently and thought it merited a blog to all. Sadly, like me, many of you have been in this unfortunate place of betrayal: You’re dating a guy or in a committed relationship, or worse, you’re married to him, and a close friend makes a move on your man. Oh, of course she defends herself and says “It just happened” or “He came on to me” or “I thought you two were over...” Blah, blah, blah.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.
If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.
As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.
A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).
For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.
I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Scott Baio, Past Boyrfriends and Hope for Getting Over it
Can a commit-phobic bachelor be reformed? That is what Scott Baio is trying to find out in his VH-1 reality show “Scott Baio is 45 and Single.” Contrary to the show airing right before it, this one is good! It’s amazing how two of Pamela Anderson’s ex-flames can have back-to-back reality shows on the same network, and yet be two extremely different shows.
Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.
I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.
This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!
For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.
If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.
I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.
Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.
I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.
This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!
For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.
If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.
I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Rock of Love? Oh Please, Have a Little Respect for the Word
Okay, so some friends just got back from Rocklahoma along with 50,000 other people to see their favorite ‘80s rock bands, including Poison (heavy metal was never my personal thing so I passed). Thinking about their weekend, I just happened to see a promo for Poison’s lead singer Bret Michaels new reality dating show Rock of Love and decided to TiVo it. (http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love/series.jhtml)
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.
So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!
I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.
Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.
Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.
Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Please STOP! You're Freaking Him Out
I just wanted to tap her on the shoulder
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.
What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.
What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.
Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Are You Numb from the Head Down?
Tried of walking all over your men?
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!
“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”
Here’s an excerpt of my reply:
Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.
Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.
All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.
Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.
Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.
THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.
Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?
May you enjoy your journey to the real you!
Victorya Rogers
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Nooooo, Not Another Wedding Invitation!
It's wedding season--hurray. Or is it a drag for you? If you get anxiety when those wedding invitations show up, there is no need to fear. It's all in perspective! Weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s a perfect place to meet your mate. Here's are my tips for single gals going to weddings:
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.
Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them
Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.
Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.
Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.
If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.
If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.
And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…
So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Monday, June 04, 2007
Are You Insane?
Within one hour I got three emails from ladies that compelled me to just shake my head in frustration. Girlfriends, you’ve got to snap out of it. As Benjamin Franklin said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you are constantly disappointed by guys and have found yourself today convinced there are no good ones out there, it could just be that you are doing the same thing over and over again. You know what I’m talking about, just hanging out, going to clubs, living your life and when someone notices you or catches your eye, bingo it’s love at first sight, that is until he rips your heart out.
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.
After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Best Place to Meet Single Dads?
According to a brand new survey , the best place to meet single dads these days seems to be online. This interesting article found on the online dating site True.com included data from interviews with over 5000 single dads asking them why they were choosing to date on line and what the perks were for them as opposed to traditional dating. Check it out. It's always intriguing to hear men's perspective.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Go Ahead Make His Day
Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all are enjoying a day with friends and family to relax and eat All American favorite like Hamburgers and Hot Dogs. We are so thrilled to get a day off that too often we forget to pay attention to what each holiday means, especially this one.
Now if you are like most women, we just have this THING for men in uniforms. I mean they look so handsome and brave and protective… Yet, seldom do we stop and think that men in the military really do put their very lives on the line for us. They (and their families) sacrifice for us so we can continue living in this country with the freedom, comfort, and lifestyle we so take for granted.
I heard an amazing statistic yesterday. In the history of United States, during times of war, 43 million Americans have put on their uniform to defend our freedom. 2.79% of those 43 million gave their lives while doing so.
If you see a man (or woman) in uniform, especially today, walk over to them and say “Thank You”. If you know someone who spent time or currently is in the military tell them you appreciate what they do. If you see someone at a restaurant wearing a ball-cap or t-shirt revealing they were in the armed services, go out of your way to say Thank You.
I was at a luncheon last year and heard a man tell his story of how God has miraculously saved his life during a fierce and bloody tour of Vietnam. Many of his friends died in front of him, yet he made it home with a bullet hole and a limp. By the end of his talk he broke down in tears. Alive but wounded, he did not come home to parades of thanks. Rather Vietnam Vets were treated at best by being ignored, at worse by being ridiculed by fellow Americans against that particular war. The reason for his tears today? He was eating breakfast in a small café that very morning and had been wearing his favorite hat that said Vietnam Vet. A lady came over to his table and said “Thank you for serving our country!” That is all she said and walked away. Sobs began to drench his table at that small café. You see he had been home from war 35 years and this was the VERY FIRST American who had thanked him for putting his life on the line for her!
I don’t care if you are for the War on Terror or against it today, whether you were for Vietnam or against Vietnam, or any other war where Americans defended our freedom. Make our veterans and active military’s day by thanking them! Honor them for what they gave up for you even though they don’t know you! It only takes two words uttered from your mouth to honor those who protect us. Make their day—say THANK YOU--today and every day you pass one who served!
Lastly for you who have family members serving our country—thank you for the sacrifices you make each and every day while they are in harms way.
Happy Memorial Day. We honor you!
Now if you are like most women, we just have this THING for men in uniforms. I mean they look so handsome and brave and protective… Yet, seldom do we stop and think that men in the military really do put their very lives on the line for us. They (and their families) sacrifice for us so we can continue living in this country with the freedom, comfort, and lifestyle we so take for granted.
I heard an amazing statistic yesterday. In the history of United States, during times of war, 43 million Americans have put on their uniform to defend our freedom. 2.79% of those 43 million gave their lives while doing so.
If you see a man (or woman) in uniform, especially today, walk over to them and say “Thank You”. If you know someone who spent time or currently is in the military tell them you appreciate what they do. If you see someone at a restaurant wearing a ball-cap or t-shirt revealing they were in the armed services, go out of your way to say Thank You.
I was at a luncheon last year and heard a man tell his story of how God has miraculously saved his life during a fierce and bloody tour of Vietnam. Many of his friends died in front of him, yet he made it home with a bullet hole and a limp. By the end of his talk he broke down in tears. Alive but wounded, he did not come home to parades of thanks. Rather Vietnam Vets were treated at best by being ignored, at worse by being ridiculed by fellow Americans against that particular war. The reason for his tears today? He was eating breakfast in a small café that very morning and had been wearing his favorite hat that said Vietnam Vet. A lady came over to his table and said “Thank you for serving our country!” That is all she said and walked away. Sobs began to drench his table at that small café. You see he had been home from war 35 years and this was the VERY FIRST American who had thanked him for putting his life on the line for her!
I don’t care if you are for the War on Terror or against it today, whether you were for Vietnam or against Vietnam, or any other war where Americans defended our freedom. Make our veterans and active military’s day by thanking them! Honor them for what they gave up for you even though they don’t know you! It only takes two words uttered from your mouth to honor those who protect us. Make their day—say THANK YOU--today and every day you pass one who served!
Lastly for you who have family members serving our country—thank you for the sacrifices you make each and every day while they are in harms way.
Happy Memorial Day. We honor you!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Jordan vs Blake--Is Winning Everything?
Jordan Sparks was my choice from very early in the season, so I was very pleased to see her crowned American Idol on last night's season finale.(http://www.americanidol.com/videos/view/?vid=776).
Jordan is young, talented and if top songwriters choose her (as they did Carrie Underwood http://www.carrieunderwoodofficial.com/) to record their next big hits, she'll have a long career.
Do you have to win it all to win? Are you a failure if you get into the top 2 like
Blake Lewis and stop short of the prize? Not on American Idol and not in the dating world either, because sometimes losing the top prize offers you more freedom so you can pursue exactly the life you want.
I'm sure Blake is encouraged by 2006 4th runner up Chris Daughtry's chart topping debut album with 2 number one hits and already selling 2 million copies (http://www.daughtryofficial.com/). Especially since clearly the chosen single for this year's winner would not have reached the charts if he was singing it—it wasn't his style. Same thing happened two years ago with Bo Bice http://bobice.com/—the song just wasn't appropriate for his voice—kinda uncool, but that is how life is sometimes.
So what does being runner up have to do with love? Are you a failure if you are runner up at love (you know the guy you thought was the end all be all chooses someone else. It doesn't have to mean that you failed at all. Let time be the revealer. I was "runner up" with at least 4 ex boyfriends and oh my, did that rip my heart out each time! BUT I moved on, kept faith there was someone out there for me, and thank God for unanswered prayers! All 4 of those guys ended up being far from the right one for me (10 to 20 years later all 4 of them have had real relationship drama. One of them finally got it together and at least seems to have a good 2nd marriage, the other 4 are rumored to be a mess. I have been happily married to my keeper for going on ten years.
I'm so thrilled I was merely runner up at least 4 times in my life! How about you?
Jordan is young, talented and if top songwriters choose her (as they did Carrie Underwood http://www.carrieunderwoodofficial.com/) to record their next big hits, she'll have a long career.
Do you have to win it all to win? Are you a failure if you get into the top 2 like
Blake Lewis and stop short of the prize? Not on American Idol and not in the dating world either, because sometimes losing the top prize offers you more freedom so you can pursue exactly the life you want.
I'm sure Blake is encouraged by 2006 4th runner up Chris Daughtry's chart topping debut album with 2 number one hits and already selling 2 million copies (http://www.daughtryofficial.com/). Especially since clearly the chosen single for this year's winner would not have reached the charts if he was singing it—it wasn't his style. Same thing happened two years ago with Bo Bice http://bobice.com/—the song just wasn't appropriate for his voice—kinda uncool, but that is how life is sometimes.
So what does being runner up have to do with love? Are you a failure if you are runner up at love (you know the guy you thought was the end all be all chooses someone else. It doesn't have to mean that you failed at all. Let time be the revealer. I was "runner up" with at least 4 ex boyfriends and oh my, did that rip my heart out each time! BUT I moved on, kept faith there was someone out there for me, and thank God for unanswered prayers! All 4 of those guys ended up being far from the right one for me (10 to 20 years later all 4 of them have had real relationship drama. One of them finally got it together and at least seems to have a good 2nd marriage, the other 4 are rumored to be a mess. I have been happily married to my keeper for going on ten years.
I'm so thrilled I was merely runner up at least 4 times in my life! How about you?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Wanna Get Him Back?
Want to know how to get him back after you're (temporarily) rejected? Take it from Bevin—the rejected runner-up on this year's The Bachelor (http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/). Last night on the "After the Rose" episode she handled herself so well I just wanted to hug her. She did not attack Lt. Andy, she had not grown bitter. She simply wished him the best, let him know how she felt and gave him permission to move on. What good does that do? Wonders! Trust me. It leaves him doubting his decision to leave. You see when you let him go when he's gone already, you are just accepting what's already done rather than fighting what can't be changed in the immediate here and now. What you GAIN is that your man leaves thinking "Wow, I thought she'd hate me and she's okay with this? Wow, maybe I was wrong…" No matter how painful letting go is for you, force yourself to be classy in the face of rejection. You leave the door open for him to come back at some point in the future—that might be a week or a year. Either way, when it happens the ball will be in YOUR court. You see, you are a magnetic woman who faces your own pain, mourns your loss, then moves on with your life. So when your ex comes back you may or may not want him back depending on where you are in your life at that point. What a great place to be! Believe me that has happened to me on several occasions and you know what? I didn't want them back when they came back because I was able to see them for who they really were—and they weren't men worth keeping!
To read more tips on love:
blog.myspace.com/victoryarogers
victoryarogers.blogspot.com
To read more tips on love:
blog.myspace.com/victoryarogers
victoryarogers.blogspot.com
She Darted in the Middle of Heavy Traffic!
I was driving home this morning from dropping my daughter off at school. There was a lady pulled over trying to call over a well-groomed (surely much-loved), collar-wearing, wayward dog running happily and carelessly off toward a busy, crazy intersection. I gasped and held my breath. Whew, she stopped at the light and looked around, seeming to wise up to the danger.
The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.
It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!
Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?
The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.
It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!
Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Ugh, My TV Broke and I Really Loved It
First off, sorry about the last blog being just a photo of me. I was trying to upload my new headshot and instead it went out as a blog. I'll figure it out soon and it will replace the old one you see here.
Here's my words for the day: Our flat screen TV broke last week while still under warranty since we’ve only had it 6 months. We really loved that TV—it fit perfectly in the wall space carved out for a large screen TV. We loved the picture and we’d invested so much to acquire it, but it just broke. So we called Best Buy and they said we can come in and just pick a replacement since they don’t carry that one anymore. Cool right? We tried one—the top rated brand at that—and it just wasn’t the same. We whined and mourned and shopped and shopped until we finally made our choice and replaced our old one.
Why am I rambling on about my TV dilemma? Thanks to several emails from Myspace friends complaining about disappointment in old and new boyfriends during the same 3 day process of looking for my new TV, I couldn’t help but compare a perfectly fitting TV to searching for a perfectly fitting man.
Have you ever caught yourself yearning for an old love and comparing him to every new one that comes along, even though he was broken and definitely not good for you? The problem with that is when time has passed from a broken relationship we forget all the bad stuff and simply idealize the fantasy of the good.
Sure your ex had good qualities or you would have never seen him in the first place, right? BUT, did his bad outweigh his good? I mean my TV was broken and not able to be fixed, I had to move on or I wouldn’t be watching TV. Was your relationship so broken that you weren’t relating anymore? Was he too different from you or did he treat you badly? Was he abusive? Did he lack the important qualities on you crave for your ideal mate? If that was so, no matter how much you liked him or how addicted you still feel to him you have to move on if you want to find true love.
Feel the hurt. Mourn, whine, even sulk. But choose a time period for that (a few days, weeks or months) then let go and continue living your life so you can be free to fully love the right guy when he appears.
It’s just not fair to compare every new guy to a fantasy (the unrealistic memory of a fallen relationship). Yes, ABSOLUTELY you need to keep to the standard of the GOOD qualities the ex had that are on your must-have list for your ideal mate!
But remember that every man, including your ex, has faults. I’m definitely not telling you to settle for less than the best. I just want you to pay attention to exactly what you are getting—the good and the bad—and determine at that point if the man in front of you right now is one to keep or one to replace. Every relationship comes as a whole package—the good, the bad and the ugly. (Hey, we’re far from perfect as well). The only person to change someone is the person himself. So don’t choose your mate because he has potential, choose him for what he is today. If your relationship is not fixable, walk away while you’re still under warranty (before the wedding). As hard as it is to say goodbye while dating, it is no comparison to splitting up after you’ve married!
Here's my words for the day: Our flat screen TV broke last week while still under warranty since we’ve only had it 6 months. We really loved that TV—it fit perfectly in the wall space carved out for a large screen TV. We loved the picture and we’d invested so much to acquire it, but it just broke. So we called Best Buy and they said we can come in and just pick a replacement since they don’t carry that one anymore. Cool right? We tried one—the top rated brand at that—and it just wasn’t the same. We whined and mourned and shopped and shopped until we finally made our choice and replaced our old one.
Why am I rambling on about my TV dilemma? Thanks to several emails from Myspace friends complaining about disappointment in old and new boyfriends during the same 3 day process of looking for my new TV, I couldn’t help but compare a perfectly fitting TV to searching for a perfectly fitting man.
Have you ever caught yourself yearning for an old love and comparing him to every new one that comes along, even though he was broken and definitely not good for you? The problem with that is when time has passed from a broken relationship we forget all the bad stuff and simply idealize the fantasy of the good.
Sure your ex had good qualities or you would have never seen him in the first place, right? BUT, did his bad outweigh his good? I mean my TV was broken and not able to be fixed, I had to move on or I wouldn’t be watching TV. Was your relationship so broken that you weren’t relating anymore? Was he too different from you or did he treat you badly? Was he abusive? Did he lack the important qualities on you crave for your ideal mate? If that was so, no matter how much you liked him or how addicted you still feel to him you have to move on if you want to find true love.
Feel the hurt. Mourn, whine, even sulk. But choose a time period for that (a few days, weeks or months) then let go and continue living your life so you can be free to fully love the right guy when he appears.
It’s just not fair to compare every new guy to a fantasy (the unrealistic memory of a fallen relationship). Yes, ABSOLUTELY you need to keep to the standard of the GOOD qualities the ex had that are on your must-have list for your ideal mate!
But remember that every man, including your ex, has faults. I’m definitely not telling you to settle for less than the best. I just want you to pay attention to exactly what you are getting—the good and the bad—and determine at that point if the man in front of you right now is one to keep or one to replace. Every relationship comes as a whole package—the good, the bad and the ugly. (Hey, we’re far from perfect as well). The only person to change someone is the person himself. So don’t choose your mate because he has potential, choose him for what he is today. If your relationship is not fixable, walk away while you’re still under warranty (before the wedding). As hard as it is to say goodbye while dating, it is no comparison to splitting up after you’ve married!
Monday, May 14, 2007
To all the Single Moms out There!
I hope you had an extra special Mother’s Day this year. I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms because aside from rarely, if ever, getting a break or “me” time, Single Moms also frequently get overlooked on Mother’s Day when their children are young because there’s not a Dad to remember to help the kids do something special for Mom. If your little ones forgot to pamper you yesterday, just know that it had nothing to do with any lack of love for their Mom. You are special and appreciated more than you know. Thank you for all that you do—all the hard work, the extra doses of love you pour into your kids when you'd rather sit down and relax, and each and every sacrifice you make. You will be rewarded one day. As the good book says: What you sow you reap; what you put out will come back to you. It may not be overnight, but it will be in due season. You will reap the harvest as you see your precious little one grow up.
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I'm Sooooo Glad It's Over
I had an appointment today to meet a new photographer for the back cover of my new book “The Automatic Second Date”. We’ve had several phone conversations and each time we talked (or he left a voice message) I got this very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guy talked down to me and was confrontational over little things (I mean this was a business relationship for photos mind you. What could be confrontational about that?). After he shamed me at length for needing directions to his office, I got to his place and was quickly told off for ringing the doorbell instead of knocking (Okay, who knew?). The guy looked just like an old boyfriend—a verbally abusive boyfriend at that. What are the odds?
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.
Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?
Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.
There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.
My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.
Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Rah Rah Sisterhood
Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.
It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."
Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.
What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!
Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
What If You Are Wrong?
I hear it almost every day from single women of all shapes and sizes: “All guys are creeps” or “I just want to find one man who is not a jerk” or some other version of the same story. Having been there, said that a time or two during my single years, I have a profound question for you who currently feel this way:
What if you Are Wrong?
Could it be time for a reality check? Could it just MAYBE be that your own perspective about the male population is actually wrong and yet because you have convinced yourself you are RIGHT to think boy are brats you have this Male GPS (you know an inner global positioning satellite that tracks down bad guys) seeming to prove you right? I mean, wouldn’t it really be humbling yet awesome if guys weren’t as horrible as you think they are? Wouldn’t it be nice to be wrong every once in a while? Here’s your chance to get started finding men actually worth finding.
1. Pick up a pen and paper and write down how you currently feel about men in one page or two (without pausing until you’ve let your feeling out).
2. After you get it all out, the second step is to think back and write out your first bad experience with a boy that taught you that men were creeps (or whatever you just said about them).
3. Third, I want you to write out a sentence stating the opposite of your current belief (i.e. if you thought men were creeps, write “There are some great guys who will genuinely treat me great”). Keep working on that sentence until it describes what you hope to be true about the opposite sex, though you’ve not found it yet.
4. Ponder your friends and couples around you that you admire. Is there any real life examples of the type of guy you just described? (Hint—I actually found one and have been happily married for over 9 years, really!)
5. Put this sentence inside your day-timer, notebook, bible or someplace you’ll see it everyday and see if just maybe changing your own perspective might change your reality.
Victorya Michaels Rogers, Author Finding a Man Worth Keeping
www.finderskeepersclub.com; www.victoryarogers.com
What if you Are Wrong?
Could it be time for a reality check? Could it just MAYBE be that your own perspective about the male population is actually wrong and yet because you have convinced yourself you are RIGHT to think boy are brats you have this Male GPS (you know an inner global positioning satellite that tracks down bad guys) seeming to prove you right? I mean, wouldn’t it really be humbling yet awesome if guys weren’t as horrible as you think they are? Wouldn’t it be nice to be wrong every once in a while? Here’s your chance to get started finding men actually worth finding.
1. Pick up a pen and paper and write down how you currently feel about men in one page or two (without pausing until you’ve let your feeling out).
2. After you get it all out, the second step is to think back and write out your first bad experience with a boy that taught you that men were creeps (or whatever you just said about them).
3. Third, I want you to write out a sentence stating the opposite of your current belief (i.e. if you thought men were creeps, write “There are some great guys who will genuinely treat me great”). Keep working on that sentence until it describes what you hope to be true about the opposite sex, though you’ve not found it yet.
4. Ponder your friends and couples around you that you admire. Is there any real life examples of the type of guy you just described? (Hint—I actually found one and have been happily married for over 9 years, really!)
5. Put this sentence inside your day-timer, notebook, bible or someplace you’ll see it everyday and see if just maybe changing your own perspective might change your reality.
Victorya Michaels Rogers, Author Finding a Man Worth Keeping
www.finderskeepersclub.com; www.victoryarogers.com
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Ooh I Wish I Could Take That Back!
Has this ever happened to you? You find you have this yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach from guilt or regret over something you did in the pursuit of love? Perhaps you’ve crossed a personal boundary and went farther than you wanted and your conscience is not letting you off the hook. American Idol contestant Antonella Barba is feeling that pain this week after “friends” released compromising photos she allegedly made for her boyfriend. What is hidden in the closet most always eventually comes out.
How much easier life would be if we thought things through before we acted! Unfortunately we can’t take things back. So here’s your chance to think before you act. Spring break is here for some and soon for others. So girlfriends, PLEASE think before you act this week, especially if you find yourself at some spring break vacation spot with a ton of other students. There are people out there just looking to mess up your life and temp you to do things I promise you will regret later. Have you ever heard of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? Spring Break is one of the seasons they tape those shows because that is when they find young, intoxicated girls looking for fun and attention. Don’t get caught off guard.
How much easier life would be if we thought things through before we acted! Unfortunately we can’t take things back. So here’s your chance to think before you act. Spring break is here for some and soon for others. So girlfriends, PLEASE think before you act this week, especially if you find yourself at some spring break vacation spot with a ton of other students. There are people out there just looking to mess up your life and temp you to do things I promise you will regret later. Have you ever heard of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? Spring Break is one of the seasons they tape those shows because that is when they find young, intoxicated girls looking for fun and attention. Don’t get caught off guard.
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