She Darted in the Middle of Heavy Traffic!

I was driving home this morning from dropping my daughter off at school. There was a lady pulled over trying to call over a well-groomed (surely much-loved), collar-wearing, wayward dog running happily and carelessly off toward a busy, crazy intersection. I gasped and held my breath. Whew, she stopped at the light and looked around, seeming to wise up to the danger.

The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.

It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!

Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?

Ugh, My TV Broke and I Really Loved It

First off, sorry about the last blog being just a photo of me. I was trying to upload my new headshot and instead it went out as a blog. I'll figure it out soon and it will replace the old one you see here.


Here's my words for the day: Our flat screen TV broke last week while still under warranty since we’ve only had it 6 months. We really loved that TV—it fit perfectly in the wall space carved out for a large screen TV. We loved the picture and we’d invested so much to acquire it, but it just broke. So we called Best Buy and they said we can come in and just pick a replacement since they don’t carry that one anymore. Cool right? We tried one—the top rated brand at that—and it just wasn’t the same. We whined and mourned and shopped and shopped until we finally made our choice and replaced our old one.

Why am I rambling on about my TV dilemma? Thanks to several emails from Myspace friends complaining about disappointment in old and new boyfriends during the same 3 day process of looking for my new TV, I couldn’t help but compare a perfectly fitting TV to searching for a perfectly fitting man.

Have you ever caught yourself yearning for an old love and comparing him to every new one that comes along, even though he was broken and definitely not good for you? The problem with that is when time has passed from a broken relationship we forget all the bad stuff and simply idealize the fantasy of the good.

Sure your ex had good qualities or you would have never seen him in the first place, right? BUT, did his bad outweigh his good? I mean my TV was broken and not able to be fixed, I had to move on or I wouldn’t be watching TV. Was your relationship so broken that you weren’t relating anymore? Was he too different from you or did he treat you badly? Was he abusive? Did he lack the important qualities on you crave for your ideal mate? If that was so, no matter how much you liked him or how addicted you still feel to him you have to move on if you want to find true love.

Feel the hurt. Mourn, whine, even sulk. But choose a time period for that (a few days, weeks or months) then let go and continue living your life so you can be free to fully love the right guy when he appears.

It’s just not fair to compare every new guy to a fantasy (the unrealistic memory of a fallen relationship). Yes, ABSOLUTELY you need to keep to the standard of the GOOD qualities the ex had that are on your must-have list for your ideal mate!

But remember that every man, including your ex, has faults. I’m definitely not telling you to settle for less than the best. I just want you to pay attention to exactly what you are getting—the good and the bad—and determine at that point if the man in front of you right now is one to keep or one to replace. Every relationship comes as a whole package—the good, the bad and the ugly. (Hey, we’re far from perfect as well). The only person to change someone is the person himself. So don’t choose your mate because he has potential, choose him for what he is today. If your relationship is not fixable, walk away while you’re still under warranty (before the wedding). As hard as it is to say goodbye while dating, it is no comparison to splitting up after you’ve married!

To all the Single Moms out There!

I hope you had an extra special Mother’s Day this year. I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms because aside from rarely, if ever, getting a break or “me” time, Single Moms also frequently get overlooked on Mother’s Day when their children are young because there’s not a Dad to remember to help the kids do something special for Mom. If your little ones forgot to pamper you yesterday, just know that it had nothing to do with any lack of love for their Mom. You are special and appreciated more than you know. Thank you for all that you do—all the hard work, the extra doses of love you pour into your kids when you'd rather sit down and relax, and each and every sacrifice you make. You will be rewarded one day. As the good book says: What you sow you reap; what you put out will come back to you. It may not be overnight, but it will be in due season. You will reap the harvest as you see your precious little one grow up.

Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com

I'm Sooooo Glad It's Over

I had an appointment today to meet a new photographer for the back cover of my new book “The Automatic Second Date”. We’ve had several phone conversations and each time we talked (or he left a voice message) I got this very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guy talked down to me and was confrontational over little things (I mean this was a business relationship for photos mind you. What could be confrontational about that?). After he shamed me at length for needing directions to his office, I got to his place and was quickly told off for ringing the doorbell instead of knocking (Okay, who knew?). The guy looked just like an old boyfriend—a verbally abusive boyfriend at that. What are the odds?

Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.

Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?

Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.

There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.

My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.

Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com

Rah Rah Sisterhood

Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime

Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.

Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.

It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."

Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.

What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!

Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.

What If You Are Wrong?

I hear it almost every day from single women of all shapes and sizes: “All guys are creeps” or “I just want to find one man who is not a jerk” or some other version of the same story. Having been there, said that a time or two during my single years, I have a profound question for you who currently feel this way:

What if you Are Wrong?

Could it be time for a reality check? Could it just MAYBE be that your own perspective about the male population is actually wrong and yet because you have convinced yourself you are RIGHT to think boy are brats you have this Male GPS (you know an inner global positioning satellite that tracks down bad guys) seeming to prove you right? I mean, wouldn’t it really be humbling yet awesome if guys weren’t as horrible as you think they are? Wouldn’t it be nice to be wrong every once in a while? Here’s your chance to get started finding men actually worth finding.

1. Pick up a pen and paper and write down how you currently feel about men in one page or two (without pausing until you’ve let your feeling out).

2. After you get it all out, the second step is to think back and write out your first bad experience with a boy that taught you that men were creeps (or whatever you just said about them).

3. Third, I want you to write out a sentence stating the opposite of your current belief (i.e. if you thought men were creeps, write “There are some great guys who will genuinely treat me great”). Keep working on that sentence until it describes what you hope to be true about the opposite sex, though you’ve not found it yet.

4. Ponder your friends and couples around you that you admire. Is there any real life examples of the type of guy you just described? (Hint—I actually found one and have been happily married for over 9 years, really!)

5. Put this sentence inside your day-timer, notebook, bible or someplace you’ll see it everyday and see if just maybe changing your own perspective might change your reality.

Victorya Michaels Rogers, Author Finding a Man Worth Keeping
www.finderskeepersclub.com; www.victoryarogers.com

Ooh I Wish I Could Take That Back!

Has this ever happened to you? You find you have this yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach from guilt or regret over something you did in the pursuit of love? Perhaps you’ve crossed a personal boundary and went farther than you wanted and your conscience is not letting you off the hook. American Idol contestant Antonella Barba is feeling that pain this week after “friends” released compromising photos she allegedly made for her boyfriend. What is hidden in the closet most always eventually comes out.

How much easier life would be if we thought things through before we acted! Unfortunately we can’t take things back. So here’s your chance to think before you act. Spring break is here for some and soon for others. So girlfriends, PLEASE think before you act this week, especially if you find yourself at some spring break vacation spot with a ton of other students. There are people out there just looking to mess up your life and temp you to do things I promise you will regret later. Have you ever heard of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? Spring Break is one of the seasons they tape those shows because that is when they find young, intoxicated girls looking for fun and attention. Don’t get caught off guard.

Do you Suffer the Britney Syndrome?

Cut the girl some slack. Come on now, don’t we all have a little Britney syndrome in us? My heart truly goes out to Britney Spears. Yes she’s spiraling out of control, that is clearly no secret. It’s devastating for any woman to go through a break-up. It’s exponentially harder to go through it in the pubic arena with the paparazzi capturing every moment on film. Ladies when we’ve had our heart ripped out of us we don’t always make the right choices on how to live through the pain. Unfortunately, Britney has chosen to seek revenge by partying all night, hanging with the wrong friends, adding tattoos and shaving her head. She’s become obsessed with attempting to show her ex she can live and smile without him. But you know what? She may have a pasted on a smile but she’s devastated and crying out for help on the inside.

It just breaks my heart that Britney is choosing the wrong friends to help her through. We’ve all be there, haven’t we? None of us are perfect. I remember being dumped by a boyfriend for some blonde bombshell and I ran out that next day to “show him” and cut 12 inches off my hair above my neck—and my biggest asset used to be those long locks. How dumb was that? Hello…he dumped me and I was punishing him by cutting the hair he loved. Why would he care? He already left! But that is one of those silly examples of how irrational we ladies are when we hurt.

Love Lesson: When your heart is ripped right out of your chest, feel the pain, fall on your knees, cry, pray and mourn. That is healthy to do. Then write, write and write in your journal (I write my journal to God since I know he is actually reading it as I write and cares about me even when no man gives a rip). Most important, carefully chose healthy friends to spend time with who will lift you up rather than drag you down. This is the most difficult for celebrities when trust is a precious commodity among friends, acquaintances and hanger-ons, especially when every tabloid is pursuing your friends for a story with money dangling in front of them. Here’s some reading recommendations: My favorite scriptures for getting me through heartbreak: Psalm 139 (Old Testament), Jeremiah 29:11 and the book of Proverbs and Gospel of John (4th little book of the New Testament) and Roman 5:3-5. Books: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin Raphael McManus, Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.

Hate the Way He Treats You?

Your new guys may be a celebrity, rock star, politician, or the hottest guy on campus. But if he's not treating you like you want to be treated is the "notch on your lipstick case" worth the heartache? Been there done that, and believe me, it's not!

So I ask you are you at a loss for why your new guy only sees you secretly and NEVER spends a dime on you? I hear about this all the time and it happened again right in front of my face girlfriends! A gal came into the life of a single friend at one of my parties. The gal was cute and sweet and met our handsome bachelor pal at a holiday party. She noticed how attractive and successful our single friend was and zeroed right in for the kill. She didn’t leave his side that evening and even made the move herself for the lip locking. Did he find her attractive? Sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even think about whether he would pursue her or not. She smothered him from the start. It’s been a few months now. I asked about the update when I heard they still see each other occasionally. She thinks they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.

His version? “She calls me all the time. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m just not emotionally available right now.” He admits they “hook up” and talk. Interpretation: She calls, he agrees to see her when nothing else is going on; they get together at one of their homes—no romantic dates, no “wining and dining”. He’s not spending money on her. She’s not getting what any quality single woman deserves and I’m sorry to be quite frank, but it is HER fault!

Here’s the problem, if it’s not obvious enough to you by now. She is too needy, desperate and smothering. And by being that way, she is frustrated in the “relationship” because she is not getting what she wants—respect, love and attention. Is there hope for her? With this guy, only slightly, and only if she stops calling him and lets him actually have time to miss her.

Love lesson: You can’t force love! And you certainly can not fan a flame if you are smothering it. If you are only being invited over to a guys place or hooking up in secluded, non public places, you are NOT the main squeeze--you are the secret fling. Don’t you deserve better than that, no matter WHO the guy is? I would say absolutely yes, so show a little restraint please and get some self respect!

Better to be Single & Solo than Married & Miserable

Better to be Single and Solo than Married and Miserable Okay ladies, too many times we settle for our less than ideal man merely because of poor self esteem. This is a weakness of countless women regardless of age or race, social or economic status. I remember two distinct times in my dating years when I caught myself settling for far less than I deserved. One was with a handsome naval aviator…

I was just beginning to date when Top Gun was a hit movie so having my own Tom Cruise "Maverick" character was a dream come true, so I thought. But he was mean. Yes, he was cranky, withdrawn and on some of our dates he was quiet and boring, to say the least. But hey, he was hot and he liked me and wasn't I asking too much to be entertained and happy as well?

Hello! No I wasn't! We deserve to be adored and appreciated! Every woman does! The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screeching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to an exclusive “officer’s club restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast, we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do.That was my wake up call!

Did I (or do YOU) really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.

I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried for days because he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go.

Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.

It is better to be single and solo rather than married and miserable.

How to ENJOY a DATELESS Valentine's Night

I have spent more dateless Valentine’s evenings in my life than I care to count. Have I ever dreaded the approaching evening? Absolutely, in the same way I’ve dreaded being the only dateless adult on Family Christmas Eve parties. But overtime, I learned to actually make the best of and even enjoy the romantic event when no man was in sight. Here are some great ways to spend a dateless Valentines that can actually put you on the path to ultimately find your man worth keeping!

1. Grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movies. If you dare see a romantic comedy, check out Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Huge Grant (opening today). If you just want to enjoy a film, sans the romance, see Dream Girls, The Queen, Bridge to Terabithia, or Night At The Museum. Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.

2. Okay, you have permission to do something to spoil yourself today. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Here are some options:
a. French manicure
b. new hairstyle, color or cut
c. indulge in a massage or facial
d. buy yourself an clothes, shoes, purse….something at the mall that you have been dying to buy but holding back.

How ever you choose to indulge yourself, don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.

3. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. Where will you live? How tall will he be? What will his career be? How will he propose? What will the two of you do in your free time? How many children will you have? Just go for it and dream your entire future with this man you are creating.What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around? My personal list included that my man would believe I was the best thing to ever coming into his life! I had an entire list including his height and weight. Certainly there will be things on your list you can live without, just put the most important qualities at the top of your list and the negotiables toward the bottom. Finish off you evening with your dessert and a polished version of your Man Worth Keeping. Now keep this list with you at all time, be it in your wallet or daytimer, so you’ll recognize him when he appears.

4. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce with a purpose. Have each of your girlfriends write out one page on all their previous relationships including the good and bad qualities of each man. Cross out any character trait that is not repeated and circle the ones that are. THEN each girlfriend writes out a personal WANT AD based solely on the circled character traits. Be creative in your writing and have fun with this process. Have each girl read aloud the Want Ad they’ve subconsciously been putting out there to attrack the men they’ve had thus far in their lives, you’ll laugh and cry at the same time.

Save Your Relationship--Don't OutGive that Man!

Okay gals, don't blow your relationship by outgiving your man tomorrow! If you have found yourself lucky enough to have a date scheduled for tomorrow's big day—Valentine's Day 2007—here are some last minute gift giving tips to ensure that you keep the romance alive with your man.

Valentine's is the time for your guy to pamper you and win you over, not the reverse. You can be assured he is actively pursuing you if you feel slightly indebted to him. You just don't want him to think he owes you. Keep that in mind as you shop for the perfect Valentine's card and gift for your lucky guy. Whatever you do, don't buy him expensive gifts or try to match or better what you think he will give you.

Creativity and thoughtfulness is what you need an abundance of, not money. And pay close attention to your man's personal taste, interests and hobbies.

Gift ideas for new love:Your mission during the early stages of a relationship is to inspire your man to continue seeing you while you decide if he's a keeper. So take it slowly and refrain from advertising your feelings before he is ready to reveal his. Don't use your first Valentine's together to be your opportunity to reveal your undying love. Let HIM make that move. So ladies, if you give anything at all, think creativity and free or very inexpensive, making sure it's personalized to his taste.

1. Make a Valentine's Day card that is also a special invitation for a home cooked dinner by you. Have fun as you describe each item on the menu from appetizer to dessert. Hopefully you know him well enough to know his taste in food.
2. Make a card which includes 3 or 4 coupons for him to redeem. Include coupons for things he loves that you may be nervous to try or perhaps you disliked—be it sports, food or a hobby.
a. If he loves basketball and you don't, offer to watch an entire NBA game with him as he teaches you the rules. b. Offer to help him wash his car. c. Put in a coupon for a foot rub. d. Listen to him practice a speech for work.

3. If your guy likes coffee, give him some Starbucks or other coffee treats. They can be inexpensive and certainly will be appreciated. Have fun and be creative. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. He'll be impressed you have actually listened when you hit a bulls-eye to his personal taste! Remember you are aiming for casual and fun. You want your gift to imply, "Hey, I'd like to get to know you better," not "I love you truly, deeply, madly." Gift ideas for the ongoing or exclusive relationship:You can risk giving a small gift if you and your guy have been together a while and are exclusive, but not yet engaged. But still, don't out-give him. Even if you think he may propose to you this evening, don't come prepared with lavish gifts in return. This is HIS night to shine and yours to enjoy.Gift ideas:a. If he has a favorite sports team, get him something with the mascot on it—be it a OU, USC, or Texas Longhorn hat, t-shirt, lounge pants, key chain, frame, etc.
b. Buy inexpensive, yet thoughtful accessories to his favorite hobby be it golf, hunting, football, electronic games. If he has a hobby, there are accessories.
c. Buy him downloads for his Ipod.
d. Get him a new cover for his cell phone.
e. Hopefully you know his taste well enough at this stage to pick out some cologne for him.
f. If you have great taste in fashion, buy him a new sweater or other item of clothing. If you are insecure about your fashion sense, go to the mall and ask a sales lady at a hip clothing store.
g. Create 3 or 4 coupons for you to do some favors for him that he knows you may rather not do, like help him clean is car or house, give him an hour foot or back rub, attend his favorite sporting event, etc.
h. IF he is into golf, perhaps set him up to golf at a hard to get into golf course through some of your connections.

Ever Had More than One Date on the Same Night?

I just read a report that Reno NV and cupid.com are pairing up and attempting to set the World Record for the largest simultaneous speed dating event ever in one evening. The article inspired me to share my opinion on the trend that is popular for the 32 to 59 year old crowd. Hey, I would have done speed dating in a heartbeat if it had been around when I was single. Why? Because it is the perfect setting to practice first impressions, first conversations and overall people skills. It may be uncomfortable or nerve rattling but that is okay, because if you have found yourself disappointing in love in your past, even if it was all the man’s fault, it’s time to start working on yourself and your own dating skills so you’ll be ready for a good man when he finally shows up.
Here’s the scoop in Speed Dating: The first speed dating event took place in late 1998 in Beverly Hills at Pete’s Café, the same year I got married, so I was already off the market. You can find some variation of speed dating in many large cities across the country and even internationally. Its appeal is that you have the opportunity to meet a bunch of potential hot dates in one evening.
Here’s how it works: each female participant gets to have a three to eight minute mini-date with each male participant. The length of the dates depends on the organizer and how many participants sign up. When it is time to move to your next date, the host lets everyone know by ringing a bell or something like that. You may not like one guy there, but then again, you might like them all. The good news and the bad news is that you don’t exchange numbers right then and there. At the end of the event you turn in notes on each of your mini-dates. The organizers pair up all the couples who mutually chose each other. You could end up with zero, one, or many follow-up dates, yet there is no official rejection while you are there live and in-person. If you are convinced that you had a major love connection you just have to be patient until the next day to see if you were correct. Though not a perfect meet market, it’s probably worth a try a time or two. It would definitely be a memorable event for you and your single girlfriends to do together. Whether it’s a great or horrible experience, it surely can be good for future laughs.
Speed dating is definitely a great place to practice first impressions, body language, flirting and overall social interaction skills. That alone is worth the ticket price! If you are shy, there are few other opportunities to be forced to come out of your shell multiple times in one evening. And if you do horrible on the first go round you have several other opportunities to warm up and do better. If you’re not near Reno this week, then do a search in your area and try it out.

TEEN ABUSE MAY LAST A LIFETIME

Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week kicks off Today

According to Safe Shelter, a nonprofit that provides programs and services to victims of domestic violence, abuse in your teens carries through to your adulthood. “Statistics indicate that one in three American women experiences some form of domestic violence during her lifetime, and that number holds true for teen girls in dating relationships as well,” said Teri Ebel. “When young people learn to behave abusively or accept abusive behaviors in their earliest love relationships, they’re setting a course for a future of this relationship pattern,” she said.

Dating abuse is not just physical. There is also so much verbal abuse and controlling that goes on in relationships. A great book explaining verbal abuse and how to escape it’s grip is “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. Get it on Amazon.com. No matter what form the abuse takes, it always demoralized and diminishes self-esteem.

What is the answer? Awareness! Stop the violence in your present and especially your future by realizing and accepting that the abuse you are experiencing is NOT okay and NOT the norm and you, yes you, deserve better! I understand it’s difficult to breathe and see outside your situation when it is a parent doing the abuse. Whoever is abusing you, please know that you matter and you do not deserve to be treated like this. There is life outside of abuse and you must do whatever you can to get away from your abuser. Tell friends and people you can trust what is going on, see help from local shelters or call the domestic violence hotline number you find in your local phone book. Search the web for ways to escape abuse. Take self-defense from your local YMCA or check out videos or books on it at the library. There are people out there who want to help you!

It you want a life away from abuse you MUST choose to live in conscious awareness of what you want in your life, face your hurt, and heal from your pain. If you don’t take step to take control, sadly you will continue to be a victim of abuse your entire life. The normal pattern of abuse victims—especially when it begins in your youth or teens, is that once you leave your first abuser, you will subconsciously be drawn to another and another, even though they look different on the outside. Because even though you don’t like being abused, it feels normal to you and we always seek our “comfortable normal” regardless of what pain or lack of pain it brings. You don’t have to continue living like that.

There is a God who sees and hurts with you and wants to rescue you and give you the life you were created to live. Pick up your bible and read the entire chapter of Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible) and Romans 5:3-5, then read the entire book of John (4th little book three fourths the way through the Bible). The fact that you are reading this is a sign that you are ready to make a change for your future. Congratulations on loving yourself enough, even when you feel worthless, to seek health. God loves you, you’re worth it, begin to stop the violence today!

Another One Bites the Dust

I just came about this headline of yet another Hollywood couple that has recently called it quits:

SPADE CONFIRMS HE'S NO LONGER DATING LOCKLEAR

I was cheering for this couple because they seemed like friends. They succombed to the same syndrome Jennifer Anniston and her own comedic boyfriend Vince Vaughn fell into--The Rebound.

LOVE LESSON: Both Jennifer Anniston and Heather Locklear had spouses who allegedly cheated and dumped them in a painful and public way (Brad Pitt with Angelina Jolie and Richie Sombora now with Denise Richards). It's all too common to run into the arms of a friend willing to let you cry on their shoulder. Could these have been great pairs for the long haul? Sure, but the odds were against them from the start for any "Till death do us part," since they got together in the midst of such pain on the actresses end. Unfortuntely the pattern will be to leave the one who carries you through the pain once you've healed.

QUICK TIP FOR THOSE LOOKING FOR LOVE: Protect your heart if you decide to run to the recently heartbroken. You may think this is the one you've been waiting for, but Heart beware, you will be their rebound and counselor. History does not show a lot of promise for you to be the one who keeps her or him after the hurt has healed.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Two friends had devastating break-ups in the last few weeks--one a marriage and the other an engagement. Oh how my heart hurts for these two precious friends! If you too have been through a breakup then you already know the heart wrenching pain the follows.

I remember one of my more difficult breakups happened after I got a call from a close friend who revealed to me that my boyfriend just went on a double date with her and her boyfriend (who was HIS best friend). He just assumed my friend would keep her mouth shut. She did the right thing--she was my friend not his. The betrayal was shocking. I remember just collapsing on the floor of my home and sobbing. I then had to crawl to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so through out that first night to throw up seemingly everything I ever consumed.

I never thought I would have such a physical reaction to emotional pain. It took me time to get over that break-up, but in time I did. What was great about it was that, even though I wasn't married to him, I at least got a glimpse of what some of you have gone through when betrayed in marriage and it is divesting. Another thing I realized through my various breakups over the years, before I finally found my Man-Worth-Keeping in my husband, was that breakups are an emotional rollercoaster EVEN when you think you hate the ex! When I broke up with one long term relationships that I was soooo done with and strongly disliked, I still sobbed and had plenty of moody spells. My mom just couldn't figure it out why I cried over that boy.

Separating yourself from a relationship affects every area of your life. It brings up every insecurity about your identity and your tomorrow (i.e. Will I find someone to love me? Will I be alone forever? Will I be financially secure? etc.) I could write an entire book on helping you through a break up and I may one day, but for right now, here are 10 brief tips to get you through the immediate crisis and on the road to a new life:

1. CRY: That is the most healing thing you can do (and something men don't do enough of by-the-way). Ever wonder why women live an average of seven years longer than men? It's because they are better at getting their feelings released, thus healing faster! So cry and allow yourself a short period of wallowing in your self-pity. When do we have such a luxury? But I'm limiting you to a week at the very most for wallowing in your pain and staying at home in your PJs and hopefully you won't need even one day of not getting out of bed. Yes, the tears may last longer than a day or week, but after one week you have to get out of bed and begin living again no matter how much it hurts. You deserve to live!

2. TALK TO GOD: What better time to put all your dependency on your Creator? It cracks me up with I hear people say "God is just a crutch for those hurting". Hello? What better person to go to in your pain than someone who actually cares about every detail of your life? Even if you haven't discovered a personal relationship with God yet, this is the perfect time to seek one. The "Good Book" promised that God will draw near to anyone who seeks him! So pick up your Bible. If you don't have one, even Wal-mart has them for just a few dollars and I bet a friend would be happy to give you one if you don't have one--email me if you need one--see my website. There is a book right in the middle of the Bible called PSALMS. Open to this book and read Psalm 139. (You can find more places to go in this wonderful book on my website under "Seek Divine Inspiration".)

3. GET OUT OF BED: Even though it's great to cry and I want you to allow yourself to grieve, DON'T spend an extended time alone. Get yourself out of bed and moving forward with life, even if you're numb to everything around you. I encourage you to force yourself to get out of bed, shower and dress before 9am every day! A shower will do wonders to lift your mood and help you start your day, even when your heart is not in it. Then continue to work or go to school and live your daily life--at that includes going to church, going out socially with some girlfriends, making your bed, cleaning your home, grocery shopping, etc.

4. WRITE IT DOWN: Begin a breakup journal to write all your rollercoaster feelings down every day. (If you prefer, just write it on your computer). This will help you work through the pain as well as help you spit out the emotions so you can move on with your day rather than dwell on the feelings all day. Also this is a great place to analyze what went wrong, what YOUR roll in the breakup is--no matter how small--and when you noticed something was wrong. Your goal is to grow through the pain. My motto has always been, if I'm going to hurt, something good better come from it because God promised he'd bring me good through whatever he allowed, and he allowed this to occur, so God, PLEASE show me the good! Sometimes, the "good" will be to help others in the future. Sometimes the "good" will be that you got out of a dangerous relationship. I don't know what your ultimate "good" will be from this, but if you write it all down and seek God daily, he WILL reveal the good.

5. FEEL THE ROLLERCOASTER: Understand you will go through a series of emotions (shock, sorrow, anger, grief, resignation, relief, numbness, to giddiness). At times the emotions of the day will not be what you expect to feel. Just accept that that is part of the grieving process. Your goal is to walk through the motions and do all you can do to guard yourself from bitterness (something more deadly to YOUR life than your ex's--see tip 10 below).

6. MARK YOUR CALENDAR: Give the breakup 12 weeks--especially if you are the one who DIDN'T want to break up. That is the average length of the rollercoaster ride of emotions for life changing loss before resignation sets in. If you really want the relationship back and he seems to either want nothing to do with you OR he wants to keep you AND another women at the same time, my best advice to you is to cut off in person meetings with him (unless you have to see him to share custody with children--keep those about the kids and BRIEF). Be civil yet do not engage in "friendship" bonding with him as this will only keep you hooked on him while your ex is not suffering the pain of loss because he still has you and he knows it. If you want him to miss you and run back to you, that will only happen if he has time to feel what was lost--your presence, caring and love. He can't have his cake and eat it too. AND you will never win him back if he does not miss you. If this is hard for you, the calendar method helps a lot. Just put down that you will not see him or engage in long intimate phone conversation for twelve weeks. This gives you a goal. In the meantime, you HAVE to move forward with your life and act as though you two are over forever.

7. DO SOMETHING NEW: Get involved in a new project start this very day--be it a hobby, charity group, longtime dream, anything you've wanted to do for a while but haven't gotten around to it for whatever reason. When one dream dies, fill it right away with another dream. We all have a secret dream--be it to act, sing, write, dance, fly, speak, ski, paint, you name it-- now is the time to pursue that dream. (If it's to do with Hollywood, see my website: www.makeitinmedia.com). Baby steps is fine, just move forward.

8. FIND CHEERLEADERS: Surround yourself with people that care for YOU. And avoid spending time rehashing your pain with everyone you meet. That is what your journal is for. Yes, you can tell your friends and family and get them to surround you with love and support. Just don't spend your entire 24 hours a day only dwelling on your pain or you will not be able to get out of bed and move forward.

9. DON'T JUMP INTO NEW LOVE: Heal first. DO NOT immediately fall in love with someone else. No matter what you try and convince yourself, this new love will only be a rebound and even if "he" really is all you think him to be, your new relationship will never be what it could be until and unless you first heal from your heartbreak. I recommend taking a six month break from love. Yes, you can CASUALLY date, but don't allow yourself to get serious with ANYONE until you are over the ex. If it is a divorce, I strongly recommend NO DATING until the divorce is final. Heal first, FINISH what you ended, and then move forward with new romance. This is the only way to choose healthy the next time.

10. FORGIVE: Okay, THIS is the toughest, especially when you have been seriously wronged. I'm not promising you will feel warm and fuzzy for forgiving, nor am I suggesting the "ex" deserves forgiveness. There will still be consequences for what he did--that's just the law of the universe. But your concern is not in focusing on him getting his--leave that to God--your job is to take care of you! You are forgiving him so YOU can heal. You must forgive or you will become bitter and it will ruin YOUR life, not his. He doesn't deserve that power over you. We've all heard news stories of disgruntled women who murdered their ex for what was done to them. These women ruined their own lives because of what was done to them. Don't fall into that trap. Let go of the bitterness and release the power he has over you! Here are two books to read on the topic: Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes and Forgive to Live: How Forgiveness Can Save Your Life by Dick Tibbits and Steve Haliday.

Feel the pain and hang in there. There is no easy way through heartache. But there is hope, you will eventually get on the other side of pain if you keep take care of you, keep moving forward and forgive (no matter how guilty he is). My prayers are with you!

No need to Panic at that Wedding Invitation

It's summertime and that means it the biggest wedding season of the year. For too long single women have dreaded those romantic wedding invitations and chosen an evening alone with a bucket of ice cream rather than celebrate with a close friend. Well it's time to snap out of that attitude and change your perspective. WEDDINGS aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s actually a perfect place to meet your mate!

DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new. Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy you meet can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom as either a good guy or bad guy. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them before you exchange numbers.

Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, family, long lost buddies, distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.

Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
--Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
--You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
--Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
--You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
--It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.


Best place to mingle? The line for food or drinks at the reception.

WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Enlist your friends—the couple
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. Find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.

If it’s a buffet: Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.

If it’s a sit down: Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.

And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…


So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.

Am I Worth More?

Okay ladies, too many times we settle for our less than ideal man merely because of poor self esteem. This is a weakness of countless women regardless of age or race, social or economic status. I remember two distinct times in my dating years when I caught myself settling for far less than I deserved. One was with a handsome naval aviator. Now I was just beginning to date when Top Gun was a hit movie so having my own Tom Cruise "Maverick" character was a dream come true, so I thought. But he was mean. Yes, he was cranky, withdrawn and on some of our dates he was very quiet and boring. But hey, he was hot and he liked me and wasn't I asking too much to be entertained and happy as well? Hello! No I wasn't . We deserve to be adored and appreciated! Every woman does!

The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screaching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to a nice very exclusive restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazzing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. It was awful. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do. And I wondered how it must be to have someone who found me interesting enough to talk to.

That was my wake up call! Did I really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.

It is better to be single and alone than married and miserable.

I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried days (maybe even a week or two) that he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go. Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.

I hope you do, as well. We are all worthy of being cherished and spoken to :-)

Rah Rah Sisterhood

Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime
Ladies, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.

Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.

It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriennds when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what they think to see if I'm right."

Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.

What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were being malicious. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!

Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to ladies around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.