Saturday, September 09, 2006

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Two friends had devastating break-ups in the last few weeks--one a marriage and the other an engagement. Oh how my heart hurts for these two precious friends! If you too have been through a breakup then you already know the heart wrenching pain the follows.

I remember one of my more difficult breakups happened after I got a call from a close friend who revealed to me that my boyfriend just went on a double date with her and her boyfriend (who was HIS best friend). He just assumed my friend would keep her mouth shut. She did the right thing--she was my friend not his. The betrayal was shocking. I remember just collapsing on the floor of my home and sobbing. I then had to crawl to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so through out that first night to throw up seemingly everything I ever consumed.

I never thought I would have such a physical reaction to emotional pain. It took me time to get over that break-up, but in time I did. What was great about it was that, even though I wasn't married to him, I at least got a glimpse of what some of you have gone through when betrayed in marriage and it is divesting. Another thing I realized through my various breakups over the years, before I finally found my Man-Worth-Keeping in my husband, was that breakups are an emotional rollercoaster EVEN when you think you hate the ex! When I broke up with one long term relationships that I was soooo done with and strongly disliked, I still sobbed and had plenty of moody spells. My mom just couldn't figure it out why I cried over that boy.

Separating yourself from a relationship affects every area of your life. It brings up every insecurity about your identity and your tomorrow (i.e. Will I find someone to love me? Will I be alone forever? Will I be financially secure? etc.) I could write an entire book on helping you through a break up and I may one day, but for right now, here are 10 brief tips to get you through the immediate crisis and on the road to a new life:

1. CRY: That is the most healing thing you can do (and something men don't do enough of by-the-way). Ever wonder why women live an average of seven years longer than men? It's because they are better at getting their feelings released, thus healing faster! So cry and allow yourself a short period of wallowing in your self-pity. When do we have such a luxury? But I'm limiting you to a week at the very most for wallowing in your pain and staying at home in your PJs and hopefully you won't need even one day of not getting out of bed. Yes, the tears may last longer than a day or week, but after one week you have to get out of bed and begin living again no matter how much it hurts. You deserve to live!

2. TALK TO GOD: What better time to put all your dependency on your Creator? It cracks me up with I hear people say "God is just a crutch for those hurting". Hello? What better person to go to in your pain than someone who actually cares about every detail of your life? Even if you haven't discovered a personal relationship with God yet, this is the perfect time to seek one. The "Good Book" promised that God will draw near to anyone who seeks him! So pick up your Bible. If you don't have one, even Wal-mart has them for just a few dollars and I bet a friend would be happy to give you one if you don't have one--email me if you need one--see my website. There is a book right in the middle of the Bible called PSALMS. Open to this book and read Psalm 139. (You can find more places to go in this wonderful book on my website under "Seek Divine Inspiration".)

3. GET OUT OF BED: Even though it's great to cry and I want you to allow yourself to grieve, DON'T spend an extended time alone. Get yourself out of bed and moving forward with life, even if you're numb to everything around you. I encourage you to force yourself to get out of bed, shower and dress before 9am every day! A shower will do wonders to lift your mood and help you start your day, even when your heart is not in it. Then continue to work or go to school and live your daily life--at that includes going to church, going out socially with some girlfriends, making your bed, cleaning your home, grocery shopping, etc.

4. WRITE IT DOWN: Begin a breakup journal to write all your rollercoaster feelings down every day. (If you prefer, just write it on your computer). This will help you work through the pain as well as help you spit out the emotions so you can move on with your day rather than dwell on the feelings all day. Also this is a great place to analyze what went wrong, what YOUR roll in the breakup is--no matter how small--and when you noticed something was wrong. Your goal is to grow through the pain. My motto has always been, if I'm going to hurt, something good better come from it because God promised he'd bring me good through whatever he allowed, and he allowed this to occur, so God, PLEASE show me the good! Sometimes, the "good" will be to help others in the future. Sometimes the "good" will be that you got out of a dangerous relationship. I don't know what your ultimate "good" will be from this, but if you write it all down and seek God daily, he WILL reveal the good.

5. FEEL THE ROLLERCOASTER: Understand you will go through a series of emotions (shock, sorrow, anger, grief, resignation, relief, numbness, to giddiness). At times the emotions of the day will not be what you expect to feel. Just accept that that is part of the grieving process. Your goal is to walk through the motions and do all you can do to guard yourself from bitterness (something more deadly to YOUR life than your ex's--see tip 10 below).

6. MARK YOUR CALENDAR: Give the breakup 12 weeks--especially if you are the one who DIDN'T want to break up. That is the average length of the rollercoaster ride of emotions for life changing loss before resignation sets in. If you really want the relationship back and he seems to either want nothing to do with you OR he wants to keep you AND another women at the same time, my best advice to you is to cut off in person meetings with him (unless you have to see him to share custody with children--keep those about the kids and BRIEF). Be civil yet do not engage in "friendship" bonding with him as this will only keep you hooked on him while your ex is not suffering the pain of loss because he still has you and he knows it. If you want him to miss you and run back to you, that will only happen if he has time to feel what was lost--your presence, caring and love. He can't have his cake and eat it too. AND you will never win him back if he does not miss you. If this is hard for you, the calendar method helps a lot. Just put down that you will not see him or engage in long intimate phone conversation for twelve weeks. This gives you a goal. In the meantime, you HAVE to move forward with your life and act as though you two are over forever.

7. DO SOMETHING NEW: Get involved in a new project start this very day--be it a hobby, charity group, longtime dream, anything you've wanted to do for a while but haven't gotten around to it for whatever reason. When one dream dies, fill it right away with another dream. We all have a secret dream--be it to act, sing, write, dance, fly, speak, ski, paint, you name it-- now is the time to pursue that dream. (If it's to do with Hollywood, see my website: www.makeitinmedia.com). Baby steps is fine, just move forward.

8. FIND CHEERLEADERS: Surround yourself with people that care for YOU. And avoid spending time rehashing your pain with everyone you meet. That is what your journal is for. Yes, you can tell your friends and family and get them to surround you with love and support. Just don't spend your entire 24 hours a day only dwelling on your pain or you will not be able to get out of bed and move forward.

9. DON'T JUMP INTO NEW LOVE: Heal first. DO NOT immediately fall in love with someone else. No matter what you try and convince yourself, this new love will only be a rebound and even if "he" really is all you think him to be, your new relationship will never be what it could be until and unless you first heal from your heartbreak. I recommend taking a six month break from love. Yes, you can CASUALLY date, but don't allow yourself to get serious with ANYONE until you are over the ex. If it is a divorce, I strongly recommend NO DATING until the divorce is final. Heal first, FINISH what you ended, and then move forward with new romance. This is the only way to choose healthy the next time.

10. FORGIVE: Okay, THIS is the toughest, especially when you have been seriously wronged. I'm not promising you will feel warm and fuzzy for forgiving, nor am I suggesting the "ex" deserves forgiveness. There will still be consequences for what he did--that's just the law of the universe. But your concern is not in focusing on him getting his--leave that to God--your job is to take care of you! You are forgiving him so YOU can heal. You must forgive or you will become bitter and it will ruin YOUR life, not his. He doesn't deserve that power over you. We've all heard news stories of disgruntled women who murdered their ex for what was done to them. These women ruined their own lives because of what was done to them. Don't fall into that trap. Let go of the bitterness and release the power he has over you! Here are two books to read on the topic: Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes and Forgive to Live: How Forgiveness Can Save Your Life by Dick Tibbits and Steve Haliday.

Feel the pain and hang in there. There is no easy way through heartache. But there is hope, you will eventually get on the other side of pain if you keep take care of you, keep moving forward and forgive (no matter how guilty he is). My prayers are with you!