Friday, February 23, 2007

Do you Suffer the Britney Syndrome?

Cut the girl some slack. Come on now, don’t we all have a little Britney syndrome in us? My heart truly goes out to Britney Spears. Yes she’s spiraling out of control, that is clearly no secret. It’s devastating for any woman to go through a break-up. It’s exponentially harder to go through it in the pubic arena with the paparazzi capturing every moment on film. Ladies when we’ve had our heart ripped out of us we don’t always make the right choices on how to live through the pain. Unfortunately, Britney has chosen to seek revenge by partying all night, hanging with the wrong friends, adding tattoos and shaving her head. She’s become obsessed with attempting to show her ex she can live and smile without him. But you know what? She may have a pasted on a smile but she’s devastated and crying out for help on the inside.

It just breaks my heart that Britney is choosing the wrong friends to help her through. We’ve all be there, haven’t we? None of us are perfect. I remember being dumped by a boyfriend for some blonde bombshell and I ran out that next day to “show him” and cut 12 inches off my hair above my neck—and my biggest asset used to be those long locks. How dumb was that? Hello…he dumped me and I was punishing him by cutting the hair he loved. Why would he care? He already left! But that is one of those silly examples of how irrational we ladies are when we hurt.

Love Lesson: When your heart is ripped right out of your chest, feel the pain, fall on your knees, cry, pray and mourn. That is healthy to do. Then write, write and write in your journal (I write my journal to God since I know he is actually reading it as I write and cares about me even when no man gives a rip). Most important, carefully chose healthy friends to spend time with who will lift you up rather than drag you down. This is the most difficult for celebrities when trust is a precious commodity among friends, acquaintances and hanger-ons, especially when every tabloid is pursuing your friends for a story with money dangling in front of them. Here’s some reading recommendations: My favorite scriptures for getting me through heartbreak: Psalm 139 (Old Testament), Jeremiah 29:11 and the book of Proverbs and Gospel of John (4th little book of the New Testament) and Roman 5:3-5. Books: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin Raphael McManus, Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Hate the Way He Treats You?

Your new guys may be a celebrity, rock star, politician, or the hottest guy on campus. But if he's not treating you like you want to be treated is the "notch on your lipstick case" worth the heartache? Been there done that, and believe me, it's not!

So I ask you are you at a loss for why your new guy only sees you secretly and NEVER spends a dime on you? I hear about this all the time and it happened again right in front of my face girlfriends! A gal came into the life of a single friend at one of my parties. The gal was cute and sweet and met our handsome bachelor pal at a holiday party. She noticed how attractive and successful our single friend was and zeroed right in for the kill. She didn’t leave his side that evening and even made the move herself for the lip locking. Did he find her attractive? Sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even think about whether he would pursue her or not. She smothered him from the start. It’s been a few months now. I asked about the update when I heard they still see each other occasionally. She thinks they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.

His version? “She calls me all the time. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m just not emotionally available right now.” He admits they “hook up” and talk. Interpretation: She calls, he agrees to see her when nothing else is going on; they get together at one of their homes—no romantic dates, no “wining and dining”. He’s not spending money on her. She’s not getting what any quality single woman deserves and I’m sorry to be quite frank, but it is HER fault!

Here’s the problem, if it’s not obvious enough to you by now. She is too needy, desperate and smothering. And by being that way, she is frustrated in the “relationship” because she is not getting what she wants—respect, love and attention. Is there hope for her? With this guy, only slightly, and only if she stops calling him and lets him actually have time to miss her.

Love lesson: You can’t force love! And you certainly can not fan a flame if you are smothering it. If you are only being invited over to a guys place or hooking up in secluded, non public places, you are NOT the main squeeze--you are the secret fling. Don’t you deserve better than that, no matter WHO the guy is? I would say absolutely yes, so show a little restraint please and get some self respect!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Better to be Single & Solo than Married & Miserable

Better to be Single and Solo than Married and Miserable Okay ladies, too many times we settle for our less than ideal man merely because of poor self esteem. This is a weakness of countless women regardless of age or race, social or economic status. I remember two distinct times in my dating years when I caught myself settling for far less than I deserved. One was with a handsome naval aviator…

I was just beginning to date when Top Gun was a hit movie so having my own Tom Cruise "Maverick" character was a dream come true, so I thought. But he was mean. Yes, he was cranky, withdrawn and on some of our dates he was quiet and boring, to say the least. But hey, he was hot and he liked me and wasn't I asking too much to be entertained and happy as well?

Hello! No I wasn't! We deserve to be adored and appreciated! Every woman does! The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screeching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to an exclusive “officer’s club restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast, we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do.That was my wake up call!

Did I (or do YOU) really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.

I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried for days because he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go.

Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.

It is better to be single and solo rather than married and miserable.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

How to ENJOY a DATELESS Valentine's Night

I have spent more dateless Valentine’s evenings in my life than I care to count. Have I ever dreaded the approaching evening? Absolutely, in the same way I’ve dreaded being the only dateless adult on Family Christmas Eve parties. But overtime, I learned to actually make the best of and even enjoy the romantic event when no man was in sight. Here are some great ways to spend a dateless Valentines that can actually put you on the path to ultimately find your man worth keeping!

1. Grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movies. If you dare see a romantic comedy, check out Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Huge Grant (opening today). If you just want to enjoy a film, sans the romance, see Dream Girls, The Queen, Bridge to Terabithia, or Night At The Museum. Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.

2. Okay, you have permission to do something to spoil yourself today. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Here are some options:
a. French manicure
b. new hairstyle, color or cut
c. indulge in a massage or facial
d. buy yourself an clothes, shoes, purse….something at the mall that you have been dying to buy but holding back.

How ever you choose to indulge yourself, don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.

3. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. Where will you live? How tall will he be? What will his career be? How will he propose? What will the two of you do in your free time? How many children will you have? Just go for it and dream your entire future with this man you are creating.What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around? My personal list included that my man would believe I was the best thing to ever coming into his life! I had an entire list including his height and weight. Certainly there will be things on your list you can live without, just put the most important qualities at the top of your list and the negotiables toward the bottom. Finish off you evening with your dessert and a polished version of your Man Worth Keeping. Now keep this list with you at all time, be it in your wallet or daytimer, so you’ll recognize him when he appears.

4. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce with a purpose. Have each of your girlfriends write out one page on all their previous relationships including the good and bad qualities of each man. Cross out any character trait that is not repeated and circle the ones that are. THEN each girlfriend writes out a personal WANT AD based solely on the circled character traits. Be creative in your writing and have fun with this process. Have each girl read aloud the Want Ad they’ve subconsciously been putting out there to attrack the men they’ve had thus far in their lives, you’ll laugh and cry at the same time.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Save Your Relationship--Don't OutGive that Man!

Okay gals, don't blow your relationship by outgiving your man tomorrow! If you have found yourself lucky enough to have a date scheduled for tomorrow's big day—Valentine's Day 2007—here are some last minute gift giving tips to ensure that you keep the romance alive with your man.

Valentine's is the time for your guy to pamper you and win you over, not the reverse. You can be assured he is actively pursuing you if you feel slightly indebted to him. You just don't want him to think he owes you. Keep that in mind as you shop for the perfect Valentine's card and gift for your lucky guy. Whatever you do, don't buy him expensive gifts or try to match or better what you think he will give you.

Creativity and thoughtfulness is what you need an abundance of, not money. And pay close attention to your man's personal taste, interests and hobbies.

Gift ideas for new love:Your mission during the early stages of a relationship is to inspire your man to continue seeing you while you decide if he's a keeper. So take it slowly and refrain from advertising your feelings before he is ready to reveal his. Don't use your first Valentine's together to be your opportunity to reveal your undying love. Let HIM make that move. So ladies, if you give anything at all, think creativity and free or very inexpensive, making sure it's personalized to his taste.

1. Make a Valentine's Day card that is also a special invitation for a home cooked dinner by you. Have fun as you describe each item on the menu from appetizer to dessert. Hopefully you know him well enough to know his taste in food.
2. Make a card which includes 3 or 4 coupons for him to redeem. Include coupons for things he loves that you may be nervous to try or perhaps you disliked—be it sports, food or a hobby.
a. If he loves basketball and you don't, offer to watch an entire NBA game with him as he teaches you the rules. b. Offer to help him wash his car. c. Put in a coupon for a foot rub. d. Listen to him practice a speech for work.

3. If your guy likes coffee, give him some Starbucks or other coffee treats. They can be inexpensive and certainly will be appreciated. Have fun and be creative. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. He'll be impressed you have actually listened when you hit a bulls-eye to his personal taste! Remember you are aiming for casual and fun. You want your gift to imply, "Hey, I'd like to get to know you better," not "I love you truly, deeply, madly." Gift ideas for the ongoing or exclusive relationship:You can risk giving a small gift if you and your guy have been together a while and are exclusive, but not yet engaged. But still, don't out-give him. Even if you think he may propose to you this evening, don't come prepared with lavish gifts in return. This is HIS night to shine and yours to enjoy.Gift ideas:a. If he has a favorite sports team, get him something with the mascot on it—be it a OU, USC, or Texas Longhorn hat, t-shirt, lounge pants, key chain, frame, etc.
b. Buy inexpensive, yet thoughtful accessories to his favorite hobby be it golf, hunting, football, electronic games. If he has a hobby, there are accessories.
c. Buy him downloads for his Ipod.
d. Get him a new cover for his cell phone.
e. Hopefully you know his taste well enough at this stage to pick out some cologne for him.
f. If you have great taste in fashion, buy him a new sweater or other item of clothing. If you are insecure about your fashion sense, go to the mall and ask a sales lady at a hip clothing store.
g. Create 3 or 4 coupons for you to do some favors for him that he knows you may rather not do, like help him clean is car or house, give him an hour foot or back rub, attend his favorite sporting event, etc.
h. IF he is into golf, perhaps set him up to golf at a hard to get into golf course through some of your connections.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Ever Had More than One Date on the Same Night?

I just read a report that Reno NV and cupid.com are pairing up and attempting to set the World Record for the largest simultaneous speed dating event ever in one evening. The article inspired me to share my opinion on the trend that is popular for the 32 to 59 year old crowd. Hey, I would have done speed dating in a heartbeat if it had been around when I was single. Why? Because it is the perfect setting to practice first impressions, first conversations and overall people skills. It may be uncomfortable or nerve rattling but that is okay, because if you have found yourself disappointing in love in your past, even if it was all the man’s fault, it’s time to start working on yourself and your own dating skills so you’ll be ready for a good man when he finally shows up.
Here’s the scoop in Speed Dating: The first speed dating event took place in late 1998 in Beverly Hills at Pete’s CafĂ©, the same year I got married, so I was already off the market. You can find some variation of speed dating in many large cities across the country and even internationally. Its appeal is that you have the opportunity to meet a bunch of potential hot dates in one evening.
Here’s how it works: each female participant gets to have a three to eight minute mini-date with each male participant. The length of the dates depends on the organizer and how many participants sign up. When it is time to move to your next date, the host lets everyone know by ringing a bell or something like that. You may not like one guy there, but then again, you might like them all. The good news and the bad news is that you don’t exchange numbers right then and there. At the end of the event you turn in notes on each of your mini-dates. The organizers pair up all the couples who mutually chose each other. You could end up with zero, one, or many follow-up dates, yet there is no official rejection while you are there live and in-person. If you are convinced that you had a major love connection you just have to be patient until the next day to see if you were correct. Though not a perfect meet market, it’s probably worth a try a time or two. It would definitely be a memorable event for you and your single girlfriends to do together. Whether it’s a great or horrible experience, it surely can be good for future laughs.
Speed dating is definitely a great place to practice first impressions, body language, flirting and overall social interaction skills. That alone is worth the ticket price! If you are shy, there are few other opportunities to be forced to come out of your shell multiple times in one evening. And if you do horrible on the first go round you have several other opportunities to warm up and do better. If you’re not near Reno this week, then do a search in your area and try it out.

Monday, February 05, 2007

TEEN ABUSE MAY LAST A LIFETIME

Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week kicks off Today

According to Safe Shelter, a nonprofit that provides programs and services to victims of domestic violence, abuse in your teens carries through to your adulthood. “Statistics indicate that one in three American women experiences some form of domestic violence during her lifetime, and that number holds true for teen girls in dating relationships as well,” said Teri Ebel. “When young people learn to behave abusively or accept abusive behaviors in their earliest love relationships, they’re setting a course for a future of this relationship pattern,” she said.

Dating abuse is not just physical. There is also so much verbal abuse and controlling that goes on in relationships. A great book explaining verbal abuse and how to escape it’s grip is “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. Get it on Amazon.com. No matter what form the abuse takes, it always demoralized and diminishes self-esteem.

What is the answer? Awareness! Stop the violence in your present and especially your future by realizing and accepting that the abuse you are experiencing is NOT okay and NOT the norm and you, yes you, deserve better! I understand it’s difficult to breathe and see outside your situation when it is a parent doing the abuse. Whoever is abusing you, please know that you matter and you do not deserve to be treated like this. There is life outside of abuse and you must do whatever you can to get away from your abuser. Tell friends and people you can trust what is going on, see help from local shelters or call the domestic violence hotline number you find in your local phone book. Search the web for ways to escape abuse. Take self-defense from your local YMCA or check out videos or books on it at the library. There are people out there who want to help you!

It you want a life away from abuse you MUST choose to live in conscious awareness of what you want in your life, face your hurt, and heal from your pain. If you don’t take step to take control, sadly you will continue to be a victim of abuse your entire life. The normal pattern of abuse victims—especially when it begins in your youth or teens, is that once you leave your first abuser, you will subconsciously be drawn to another and another, even though they look different on the outside. Because even though you don’t like being abused, it feels normal to you and we always seek our “comfortable normal” regardless of what pain or lack of pain it brings. You don’t have to continue living like that.

There is a God who sees and hurts with you and wants to rescue you and give you the life you were created to live. Pick up your bible and read the entire chapter of Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible) and Romans 5:3-5, then read the entire book of John (4th little book three fourths the way through the Bible). The fact that you are reading this is a sign that you are ready to make a change for your future. Congratulations on loving yourself enough, even when you feel worthless, to seek health. God loves you, you’re worth it, begin to stop the violence today!

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Another One Bites the Dust

I just came about this headline of yet another Hollywood couple that has recently called it quits:

SPADE CONFIRMS HE'S NO LONGER DATING LOCKLEAR

I was cheering for this couple because they seemed like friends. They succombed to the same syndrome Jennifer Anniston and her own comedic boyfriend Vince Vaughn fell into--The Rebound.

LOVE LESSON: Both Jennifer Anniston and Heather Locklear had spouses who allegedly cheated and dumped them in a painful and public way (Brad Pitt with Angelina Jolie and Richie Sombora now with Denise Richards). It's all too common to run into the arms of a friend willing to let you cry on their shoulder. Could these have been great pairs for the long haul? Sure, but the odds were against them from the start for any "Till death do us part," since they got together in the midst of such pain on the actresses end. Unfortuntely the pattern will be to leave the one who carries you through the pain once you've healed.

QUICK TIP FOR THOSE LOOKING FOR LOVE: Protect your heart if you decide to run to the recently heartbroken. You may think this is the one you've been waiting for, but Heart beware, you will be their rebound and counselor. History does not show a lot of promise for you to be the one who keeps her or him after the hurt has healed.