If you had to pick one time of year when feeling lonely was an easy task for most any single gal, it would hands-down be Christmas and New Years—far surpassing Valentines Day (as the February holiday doesn’t deliver long-lost relatives at your front door eager to focus on your lack of a spouse).
During all many Christmas’ past that found me without a boyfriend (much less my Mr. Wonderful), I managed to actually cherish that precious time of year and you can too.
Here’s are some tips to bring single gals joy to the world:
1. Remember the reason for the season. Yes, Christmas is a time for family and friends, but more importantly it is the celebration of the greatest gift of all which is the birth of our Savior. God gave the greatest gift to the world. Focus on His gift and in turn make an extra effort to give the gift of yourself this season by focusing on OTHERS!
2. Do something Nice for someone. When we look outward we don’t dwell on our hardships. And believe me, no matter how bad we have it or how pathetic our love life feels, there is always someone worse off than us. Cheer yourself up by helping someone else! Write down a list all the people in your life (neighbors, church friends, co-workers, school friends and friends of your past). Can you think of any needs that you can easily meet with your precious time or a sacrifice of a few funds? Be on the alert and keep your ears open. It could really be anything. Just use your imagination and pay attention to the needs of those around you. Last night my husband and I just had a friend stay in our guest room while they had a lay over at the airport. It saved them at least a $100 in hotel fees. I felt great about that and it cost me nothing!
3. Help the homeless by volunteering to help serve the holiday meal at your local downtown mission or local church.
4. “Adopt a family” from Angel Tree or other local charity and buy their Christmas list. You can take this on alone or pool your resources together with several friends for one family; I’ve done it both ways over the years. I get a name from a legitimate charity, contact the mom (usually a single mom on welfare) and I’d get her kids wish list and the clothing size of the mom because I always liked to buy her something too and turtleneck sweaters are always a hit during the winter. Then I’d shop and wrap the gifts (putting the list of the gifts on a closed envelope for the mom to know what she’s giving to whom). Then I’d deliver the wrapped gifts to the mom a few days before Christmas (we’d meet at a safe place, like Denny’s restaurant or other public place). That way the MOM got to give the kids the gifts and they didn’t have to think it was charity. Oh, and I always gave a Bible with the Mom’s name printed on it as my “witness” to them as well. I can not fully express the joy this gift giving has given TO ME over the years. There’s nothing like the expression on the mom’s face when she gets a trunk load of gifts for her kids and there’s even something unexpected for her.
5. Plan a Christmas Eve “Plus One” dinner. Christmas Eve is a great excuse to have friends over. You’ll be surprised how many people in your life don’t have a place to go that evening. Just ask around. I’ve continued this tradition even now that I’m married, because each year we have at least a few single friends and family that have no plans and they are such a rich addition to our evening! I usually have a pot luck dinner, read the Christmas story and do a fun gift exchange with a limit of $10 or less. One year I squeezed in 12 people for a holiday meal at my then 400 square foot apartment and it was a blast for all--we all managed to fit and even play some games! So don’t let size of your home keep you from entertaining.
6. Invite your friends to Christmas Eve service. There are two days of the year when even the most wild and self-proclaimed sinner will attend church IF asked—Easter and Christmas. Here’s your chance to introduce them to Jesus when it’s even politically correct to do so.
7. Go to a movie. Christmas Day is a great time, evening or afternoon, to head to your local theater. I’ve been doing that since my teen years. Some of the year’s best movies come out that day. And often family festivities are over in the early afternoon so you can find plenty of friends to join you.
Bottom line, focus outward, keep busy, have a plan, focus on Jesus, and you’ll find you’ve drawn closer to God, and built precious, lasting memories, even without a spouse! You just may even catch yourself humming “Joy to the World”.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Why We Feel the Way We Do
Ever wonder why sometimes we just feel like we're in a funk? You know, those yekky "day after fun" blahs. We may have had a rip roaring blast the night before and even laughed until we cried and then we just feel the blues the next day. More importantly, perhaps, you're in a relationship with some guy that you REALLY want to keep. You REALLY want him to want you back. And yet you feel these blahs. Perhaps it is because to be with this particular guy you find yourself acting in a way that is contrary to your own personal inner moral code (be it in the humor you use, "how far you go", the places and things you do together, the way you have to act to be around him, etc.)
Are you being yourself around him? You know the person you are proud to be and not ashamed of? Do you find you have to be an imposter around him and pretend you're someone your not just so he'll remain interested?
No matter how hard you try, you just can forget your personal moral code and remain happy. Those morals that are so ingrained inside of you that you can run but you can't hide from...those are the convictions I'm talking about. Our personal moral code comes from our faith--faith and our upbringing. Even if you disagree with those morals NOW, you have to take the time to convince YOURSELF with compelling, conclusive evidence that your new view is correct before you'll have inner peace while breaking that old "rule." Let me give you an example. Perhaps you were raised being told that dancing was a sin and as you grew up you decided that rule was silly, so you began to dance regularly. You still most likely will feel the blahs the day after a "dance all night" party until you have a heart to heart with yourself and really evaluate that belief that "dancing is a sin."
Some of the beliefs of our upbringing are false and just need to be evaluated. Sometimes we don't do things just because previous generations didn't do them with no logic behind the behavior. (Have you heard the story of the young wife who cut off the best end of a roast every time she made one just because her Mom and Grandma did, only to later find that the only reason that ritual began was because the great, great grandmother didn't have a big enough over to fit the roast?) Honestly look to see if perhaps some of your inner convictions are based on illogical rules someone forced on you. If that is the case take the time to deeply look at the reason for the "rule" and then honestly decide if it is a rule to follow or not. Taking the time to free yourself of the old rule can release you to enjoy a new life, maybe even of dancing :-)
HOWEVER, I have to tell you that if you can't justify breaking a moral and still feel good "in the morning" then, wake up, you're dealing with a true, inner conviction that God has put there. Yikes. It's can't be broken AND leave you peaceful and happy the next day. No matter how hard you try to ignore the conviction pangs, somehow, it will come back to zap your joy.
SO, if you want to be happy, you'll have to go back to being true to yourself and your convictions! And that may mean giving up your current guy--you know that hottie your not being yourself around-- so you can be free to find a man that loves you for you and your convictions! But let me encourage you today. Deep inside that is exactly what you want--someone that loves YOU, not an imposter.
Are you being yourself around him? You know the person you are proud to be and not ashamed of? Do you find you have to be an imposter around him and pretend you're someone your not just so he'll remain interested?
No matter how hard you try, you just can forget your personal moral code and remain happy. Those morals that are so ingrained inside of you that you can run but you can't hide from...those are the convictions I'm talking about. Our personal moral code comes from our faith--faith and our upbringing. Even if you disagree with those morals NOW, you have to take the time to convince YOURSELF with compelling, conclusive evidence that your new view is correct before you'll have inner peace while breaking that old "rule." Let me give you an example. Perhaps you were raised being told that dancing was a sin and as you grew up you decided that rule was silly, so you began to dance regularly. You still most likely will feel the blahs the day after a "dance all night" party until you have a heart to heart with yourself and really evaluate that belief that "dancing is a sin."
Some of the beliefs of our upbringing are false and just need to be evaluated. Sometimes we don't do things just because previous generations didn't do them with no logic behind the behavior. (Have you heard the story of the young wife who cut off the best end of a roast every time she made one just because her Mom and Grandma did, only to later find that the only reason that ritual began was because the great, great grandmother didn't have a big enough over to fit the roast?) Honestly look to see if perhaps some of your inner convictions are based on illogical rules someone forced on you. If that is the case take the time to deeply look at the reason for the "rule" and then honestly decide if it is a rule to follow or not. Taking the time to free yourself of the old rule can release you to enjoy a new life, maybe even of dancing :-)
HOWEVER, I have to tell you that if you can't justify breaking a moral and still feel good "in the morning" then, wake up, you're dealing with a true, inner conviction that God has put there. Yikes. It's can't be broken AND leave you peaceful and happy the next day. No matter how hard you try to ignore the conviction pangs, somehow, it will come back to zap your joy.
SO, if you want to be happy, you'll have to go back to being true to yourself and your convictions! And that may mean giving up your current guy--you know that hottie your not being yourself around-- so you can be free to find a man that loves you for you and your convictions! But let me encourage you today. Deep inside that is exactly what you want--someone that loves YOU, not an imposter.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Pay Attentiton to What You Get
I was a guest on a fun talk show the other day ("At Home Live with Chuck & Jenni"). The hosts are just a hoot and always read your stuff before you get there. It was my fourth appearance on the show. One of the questions Chuck asked me when discussing my book was "What are some of the most obvious mistakes single women make to keep them from finding their man worth keeping.
That was such an easy question because, Ladies, we have all made so many mistakes in our past, at least me and all my girlfriends have. Today, lets just touch on one biggie--the mistake of IGNORING obvious warning signs from your current guy! Gals, the reason so many of us are NOT with a man worth keeping is because we don't pay attention to what we get from the guys we got. Perhaps fear of being alone keeps you stuck with less than you want.
Does this sound familiar? You go out with this great guy and he just makes you melt. He flatters you, pampers you and seems to be everything you ever wanted. You have found love at first sight! Wait, but then on date 3 or 4 or maybe month 3 or month 4 he suddenly changes--perhaps he criticizes you, cuts you down, picks silly fights, drinks in excess, makes you the brunt of jokes, or simply makes you feel bad. He is no longer acting like that prince charming you started out with. "WHAT HAPPENED?"
When things change, the biggest mistake single gals make is thinking the guy he was during the first phase of your relationship was his true self! Thus, gals either take the blame onto themselves for the new behavior OR make every excuse you can think of for their man--such as "he's got trouble at work" or "he's under a lot of stress", "he was just kidding," etc. etc.
WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET
Ladies, "What you see IS what you get". Not "What you saw is what you will keep getting". Pay attention to what you are getting from your guy right now! In the first few months of dating ANYONE can be anything thing want. It's called acting. Hey we all act at least a little bit in the beginning. We deliberately put our best foot forward. There's nothing wrong with that. But eventually our true self has to emerge. Learn to stay alert in your relationship and notice how your boyfriend is treating you AFTER the newness has worn off. Otherwise you will end up just like way too many heartbroken (and divorced) women who have ignored warning signs, took on the blame, stayed in the relationship, married the guy and payed dearly for their mistake.
Pay attention to what you get and one day you'll be surprised and thrilled to find a man who is truly still worth keeping after the 4th month of dating. Refuse to settle.
That was such an easy question because, Ladies, we have all made so many mistakes in our past, at least me and all my girlfriends have. Today, lets just touch on one biggie--the mistake of IGNORING obvious warning signs from your current guy! Gals, the reason so many of us are NOT with a man worth keeping is because we don't pay attention to what we get from the guys we got. Perhaps fear of being alone keeps you stuck with less than you want.
Does this sound familiar? You go out with this great guy and he just makes you melt. He flatters you, pampers you and seems to be everything you ever wanted. You have found love at first sight! Wait, but then on date 3 or 4 or maybe month 3 or month 4 he suddenly changes--perhaps he criticizes you, cuts you down, picks silly fights, drinks in excess, makes you the brunt of jokes, or simply makes you feel bad. He is no longer acting like that prince charming you started out with. "WHAT HAPPENED?"
When things change, the biggest mistake single gals make is thinking the guy he was during the first phase of your relationship was his true self! Thus, gals either take the blame onto themselves for the new behavior OR make every excuse you can think of for their man--such as "he's got trouble at work" or "he's under a lot of stress", "he was just kidding," etc. etc.
WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET
Ladies, "What you see IS what you get". Not "What you saw is what you will keep getting". Pay attention to what you are getting from your guy right now! In the first few months of dating ANYONE can be anything thing want. It's called acting. Hey we all act at least a little bit in the beginning. We deliberately put our best foot forward. There's nothing wrong with that. But eventually our true self has to emerge. Learn to stay alert in your relationship and notice how your boyfriend is treating you AFTER the newness has worn off. Otherwise you will end up just like way too many heartbroken (and divorced) women who have ignored warning signs, took on the blame, stayed in the relationship, married the guy and payed dearly for their mistake.
Pay attention to what you get and one day you'll be surprised and thrilled to find a man who is truly still worth keeping after the 4th month of dating. Refuse to settle.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
A Kiss to Remember
One of my dear readers wrote to me and asked that I share my thoughts on a first kiss. Since I wasn’t clear if she wanted to know about a first kiss EVER or a first kiss with each new beau, I thought I’d answer both by covering the meaning of a very first kiss ever.
Aw the first kiss…. I just LOVE the movie “Never Been Kissed,” starring Drew Barrymore and that cute guy from “Alias.” I so relate to all Drew’s character’s feelings and torment she felt during her high school years. If you’ve yet to experience that one memorable moment of a “meaningful” first kiss, or if you just want to reminisce—rent that film!
My first kiss was not exactly as special as Drew Barrymore’s. I was 12 and “in love” with the preachers kid. My girlfriend felt the same about my brother, so we did what every controlling young girl did back then, we set up a game of "Truth or Dare" amongst the four of us and had prearranged with each other what the "Dares" would be. When my guy finally chose a dare (he kept asking “truth”, ugh) he was dared to French kiss me. I was so excited. A long, now humorous, story made short, the less than perfect first French kiss left me thinking this boy and I would be in love forever. Wrong! Rude awakening came the next day as my girlfriend and I ran into my brother and that boy. The four of us decided to go to the store to buy some candy. My brother saw his gal and warmly enough greeted her, grabbed her hand, and off they strolled. With a beaming smile I walked up to my boy expecting the same. What I got instead was: “What do you want? I don’t like you and don’t expect me to hold your hand!” Ouch, my first painful rejection! My girlfriend saw the whole thing and came back to console me. We continued the candy trip on ahead of the boys and life as I knew it was never the same.
How about you? Did your first kiss go better? I learned a lot from that encounter and much of it has been reinforced over the years that followed. Three things I learned were:
First off, you can not control someone else’s feelings OR their response.
Second, getting physical DOES NOT mean the same to a guy as it does to a girl. This cliché is proven true time and time again. Just because he’ll kiss you (or more) does not mean he has feelings beyond the physical for you and there’s nothing you can do in the physical to change that!
Third, those Cloud-9 emotions you feel before, during and after a kiss are NOT a tell-tale sign of longevity of the relationship NOR a sign of your own everlasting feelings for your guy. Your feelings are realistically a chemical reaction—a wonderful, romantic, amazing reaction—but not an enduring phenomenon. That doesn't mean you have to discount your feelings. Cherish them for what they are, especially since this MAY be your man-worth-keeping. And if that turns out to be the case, that is one memory you don't every want to forget.
Your Kiss to Remember: Take a moment to remember your first kiss and write it in your journal. At the very least, it is sure to bring a smile. Then dream up an ideal first kiss, like Drew Barrymore’s character did in “Never Been Kissed” and write that in your journal. You just never know, it could bring about an encounter just as romantic as you write on the page!
I welcome your feedback.
Victorya
Aw the first kiss…. I just LOVE the movie “Never Been Kissed,” starring Drew Barrymore and that cute guy from “Alias.” I so relate to all Drew’s character’s feelings and torment she felt during her high school years. If you’ve yet to experience that one memorable moment of a “meaningful” first kiss, or if you just want to reminisce—rent that film!
My first kiss was not exactly as special as Drew Barrymore’s. I was 12 and “in love” with the preachers kid. My girlfriend felt the same about my brother, so we did what every controlling young girl did back then, we set up a game of "Truth or Dare" amongst the four of us and had prearranged with each other what the "Dares" would be. When my guy finally chose a dare (he kept asking “truth”, ugh) he was dared to French kiss me. I was so excited. A long, now humorous, story made short, the less than perfect first French kiss left me thinking this boy and I would be in love forever. Wrong! Rude awakening came the next day as my girlfriend and I ran into my brother and that boy. The four of us decided to go to the store to buy some candy. My brother saw his gal and warmly enough greeted her, grabbed her hand, and off they strolled. With a beaming smile I walked up to my boy expecting the same. What I got instead was: “What do you want? I don’t like you and don’t expect me to hold your hand!” Ouch, my first painful rejection! My girlfriend saw the whole thing and came back to console me. We continued the candy trip on ahead of the boys and life as I knew it was never the same.
How about you? Did your first kiss go better? I learned a lot from that encounter and much of it has been reinforced over the years that followed. Three things I learned were:
First off, you can not control someone else’s feelings OR their response.
Second, getting physical DOES NOT mean the same to a guy as it does to a girl. This cliché is proven true time and time again. Just because he’ll kiss you (or more) does not mean he has feelings beyond the physical for you and there’s nothing you can do in the physical to change that!
Third, those Cloud-9 emotions you feel before, during and after a kiss are NOT a tell-tale sign of longevity of the relationship NOR a sign of your own everlasting feelings for your guy. Your feelings are realistically a chemical reaction—a wonderful, romantic, amazing reaction—but not an enduring phenomenon. That doesn't mean you have to discount your feelings. Cherish them for what they are, especially since this MAY be your man-worth-keeping. And if that turns out to be the case, that is one memory you don't every want to forget.
Your Kiss to Remember: Take a moment to remember your first kiss and write it in your journal. At the very least, it is sure to bring a smile. Then dream up an ideal first kiss, like Drew Barrymore’s character did in “Never Been Kissed” and write that in your journal. You just never know, it could bring about an encounter just as romantic as you write on the page!
I welcome your feedback.
Victorya
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Keep writing your story. You're worth it.
I've been so excited to hear from many of you reading the book (it's been out just two weeks now). As you've called or emailed me I keep asking the same question: "Have you been doing the homework assignments?" You laugh and say "I've started but it feels like there's not enough paper to write my story."
That's great. Just keep scribbling and writing your dreams and designing your dream man. Remember, my book is all about finding a man WORTH KEEPING, not a guy worth ditching. So do this work for YOU.
As I spoke to one of you yesterday, you were disappointed your guy hasn't called in two months after a seemingly great date and a few follow-up phone calls. It's okay to be bummed, but move on. As a previous book on the market said "He's just not that into you." So what, move on. You deserve better. Every one of us deserves a guy that thinks we are the best woman to walk into their lives! Settle for NOTHING LESS.
Victorya
That's great. Just keep scribbling and writing your dreams and designing your dream man. Remember, my book is all about finding a man WORTH KEEPING, not a guy worth ditching. So do this work for YOU.
As I spoke to one of you yesterday, you were disappointed your guy hasn't called in two months after a seemingly great date and a few follow-up phone calls. It's okay to be bummed, but move on. As a previous book on the market said "He's just not that into you." So what, move on. You deserve better. Every one of us deserves a guy that thinks we are the best woman to walk into their lives! Settle for NOTHING LESS.
Victorya
Monday, May 30, 2005
Victorya Michaels Rogers BLOG
Hi all. The release date is approaching for FINDING A MAN WORTH KEEPING: 10 Dating Secrets that Work. Amazon.com is already accepting pre-orders. Our two new websites are soon to be up (www.finderskeepersclub.com and www.victoryamichaelsrogers.com). Looking forward to ministering to single Christian gals out there frustrated in the journey of dating!
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