Victorya's Ponderings

What I Really Think About My Friends

2011-12-05T09:35:00.003-08:00

Girlfriends are meant to get you through a lifetime. I’ve often said that to my audiences but I really came to grasp the depth of that statement this year. Sometimes we don’t even realize how much we need each other until we are in a crisis. This has been a sad year in the Rogers household. We lost both my in-laws within a few months. My father-in-law died in the Spring and my mother-in-law died the same day as Steve Jobs from the same cancer. Through both losses my girlfriends amazed me by their generosity and selflessness, even in the midst of their own circumstances and hectic schedules. What was so special about that is I’m not the best at asking for help. Oh I’ll give and serve, but feel awkward when I’m the one in need (I still haven’t figured that one out). But that didn’t stop my girlfriends.
They just joined together and showed up. Get this--5 of my girlfriends showed up at my house 2 days before the funeral with cleaning supplies in hand and CLEANED MY HOUSE! They cleaned my house! Countless meals were delivered, notes, phone calls, letters, thoughtful little trinkets and gifts. Earlier friends offered to help with caregiving and one dear friend just showed up on our anniversary and insisted on sitting with my mother-in-law so Will & I could go out on a date! Oh and I loved the basket of munchies, Kleenix and disposable toothbrushes another brought for the 4 of us during a long hospital stay. Another made the programs for both services... I could go on and on with all the generosity. In the midst of all their giving and serving, each of my friends have very busy lives. Yet they let themselves be inconveniently interrupted to help me in my time of need.
If you have female friendships, you are truly blessed. You may not realize it until crisis appears, but I assure you, if you have not extended the effort to build lasting friendship you will indeed notice the void when help is needed the most. Sure people are people and our girlfriends can bug us at imes. But guess what? We bug them too. Reality check, no one is perfect. But what we add to each other’s lives, really, outweighs any negative (unless you have chosen a toxic friendship which needed to be re-evaluated).
My prayer for you is that you reflect on each of your blessings this Christmas season. I especially want you to focus on the blessings of friendship. If you have a friend in need, step out of your comfort zone, be inconvenienced, and offer a random act of kindness--even if she doesn’t ask first. You will touch her heart in her time of need and end up giving yourself an emotional boost at the same time.Yes, girlfriends are here to get us through a lifetime! We will get by with a little help from our friends....Merry Christmas.

3 Secrets to Turn Bah Humbug into the Warm Fuzzies

2011-12-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

3 Secrets to Turn Bah Humbug into the Warm Fuzzies Here are my tips for a fabulous holiday.

Moms....really? You let your kids watch WHAT?

2011-07-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

Okay it's time for my rant to moms out there. Once again one of my kids friends went on and on about the rated R movie she watched with her parents and how scary it was and how she had bad dreams and hated it. For whatever reason, kids love to tell me stuff--I guess my kids let friends know what I do for a living and that I write books so they like to come talk to me.

Honestly, I so don't get how some parents--adults I enjoy talking to and seem to have it together--have this chip missing inside their brain that doesn't allow them to filter what is okay for kids and what isn't. Movies have ratings for a reason. And if it has been given an R rating, there are elements in the movie that have been deemed too harsh for young minds. By the way this rant also goes for parents allowing M-rated video games for their kids--seriously! Give me a break! Shockingly I hear about this more than I hear about the movies!

This particular child I'm referring to today was subjected to two horror films that her parents wanted to see so they turned them on cable when she and her 3 year old sibling were still up and had them watch it as a family. Both these movies are films I would not personally choose to watch because the subject matter is too disturbing for me--an adult! I asked her why she didn't just tell her Mom it was too scary. She said she did but her mom wanted to watch it.

I must say in every single incident where one of my kids friends have told me they've seen scary or risque movies in the past few years (my kids are 10 and 9 now) the kids said they were films their parents wanted to see. Thus it is quite clear that parents are thinking more of themselves than their role as a parent. I'm not judging the parents personal choice in movies THEY want to watch for them, but come on, you can watch them when your kids are asleep, in another room, or while at a friends house.

It is our job as parents to protect what goes into our children's minds during their childhood. If you have been blessed with the role as parent--then parent, don't be a "buddy" to your child. And that means protect, as best you can, what you permit your children to see. And FYI, if your kids are having recurrent nightmares, chances are they have been playing video games or watching media that is disturbing them.

Working it Out

2011-07-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

Life doesn't always turn out like you planned--but you can survive, no matter what tragedy comes. That is the lesson of Working it Out: A Journey of Love, Loss and Hope by Abby Rike (from The Biggest Loser). What an amazing, precious autobiography that will break your heart and inspire you at the same time. I couldn't put it down all the way to the last page. And you don't want to miss the last 3 pages.

The Optimism Bias

2011-06-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

I consider myself definitely an optimist--mainly because I believe God is in control, even when I have no idea what is going to happen. This was an interesting article, however, in TIME magazine The Optimism Bias

Happy Memorial Day

2011-05-30T05:58:00.000-07:00

My first memorable Memorial Day was when I had just turned 8 years old and my parents surprised us with a trip to Opening Day of Six Flags Magic Mountain in California . We were with our family friends The Pettits and our all day adventure began with a visit to the military cemetery to honor one of the Pettits' family members who had died for his country. Yes, Magic Mountain was an absolute blast, and because it was brand new, few people knew about it in this remote city of Valencia so lines were non-existent and we road one of the roller coasters (The Goldrusher) 17 times that day! But another memorable part of that day for an impressionable 8 year old was that visit to the cemetery to think that my friends actually KNEW someone personally who died in war. Thank you to their family member and thank you for every American who has sacrificed for us so we can live this free life in our wonderful country that few other people in this world get to live. May we never forget and not take their sacrifice for granted.

It Takes Two, Baby--but it's up to You! (reprint from SouthlakeMoms.com)

2011-05-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

Oh, the power of two! It takes two baby... two to mingle, two to tango ...But there’s more power in two than just a hit song. I’ve found the number to offer a power formula in navigating everyday responses, reactions, and recurrences of relationship challenges. It’s easy to react on impulse, without thinking about future ramifications--especially when our feelings have been hurt or we’ve felt unappreciated or discounted. Instead, from this day forward, I challenge you to be aware and deliberate in your choices by keeping my “It Takes Two” formula in mind.

What is “It Takes Two”? Probably not what you think I’m going to say. Sure there are always two sides to every relationship. And yes, it is always wise to see what OUR role is in every conflict. But what I mean by “It Takes Two” is to pause and think in twos before you make choices, reactions and decisions.

Ask yourself How will my choice right now affect my future 2 days from now? How about 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, even 2 decades from now?

You don’t have to think through all five scenarios every time, but try three each time-- “How will this choice affect me 2 weeks from now, 2 years from now and 2 decades from now?”
Little everyday choices, seemingly innocent in nature at the start, are the spark that can completely derail a life all because an impulse was followed without thought of what would happen if...

For instance, flirting on Facebook with a long lost high school flame can tragically turn into a full on affair ruining your marriage, family and future--all beginning with “innocent” curiosity followed by a simple act of “add friend”. If only you had thought through “how will reconnecting with “Sam” affect me 2 days from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now.”
This 2-2-2 formula works with any scenario in your life--be it choices of jobs, schools, discipline, church, eating habits, fitness, addictions, time management, etc. etc.
Here’s another one -- Uninterrupted 5 minutes-a-day with your spouse--just to connect and talk about anything. So often we get too overwhelmed, tired or distracted to carve out time to spend alone with our husbands (if he travels, try 5 minutes on the phone daily). Sadly, lack of emotional intimacy builds up, layer upon layer, all too easy in any marriage. How does two days of NOT carving out daily one-on-one time affect your marriage?--obviously, not severely. But if 2 weeks turn into 2 months then 2 years, the lack of intimate emotional encounters just may have left you 2 decades later as little more than married strangers with children who have left.  It Just Takes Two, Baby! Think this formula and you will see tremendous results! Make truth and consequences a conscious part of your life. Try it out today in your marriage, your parenting and all areas of your life-- Hmm...how will doing THIS affect me in twos? Starting right now, choose to make your next 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years and 2 decades what you really want your life to be by being deliberate in your choices.   Until next month!

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About Victorya:
Southlake Mom Victorya Michaels Rogers is a Life & Love Coach, equipping women to create and keep healthy relationships. Rogers’ authored four books, including Finding a Man Worth Keeping and The Automatic 2nd Date. Her latest release is the DVD “Straight Talk About Sex for Christian Couples” co-written with Sex Therapist Debby Wade. Victorya has been seen and heard on national TV, Radio, and print—from MTV to Focus on the Family, Cosmopolitan to Woman’s World. This former Hollywood agent is also an active REALTOR® at Coldwell Banker Residential. She’s part of First Friday Women and lives in Southlake, TX with her husband, Will, and their two children. Learn more about her Coaching services at www.Victorya.com.

Hey Moms, Get by with a Little Help from Your Friends!

2011-05-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

I caught another episode of The-Judds, a reality series capturing the three week reunion tour of the mother-daughter country superstars of the 80s, Naomi and Wynonna Judd. Their dysfunctional relationship necessitated a therapist joining them on the road as they attempted healing as they faced their painful past. This particular episode included the release of other famous daughter Ashley Judd’s autobiography. Mama Judd Naomi was devastated to realize her lack of parenting skills caused lifelong pain to both famous daughters. What stood out to me in this episode, as they revisited Ashley and Wynonna’s childhood Los Angeles homes before fame, was that they did NOT have a support system.

Naomi was a single mom of two young girls working 2 and 3 jobs to put food on the table and yet she had no support system. Single moms out there, in fact all women, we need support systems. The best support system I can guide you towards (outside of family when you have family of course) is to get involved with a local church--a great place to meet God and find friends to get you through a lifetime! Indeed, we get by with a little help from our friends! What better place to meet friends that at church? Churches these days have such wonderful support groups, especially in this age of mega-churches.

Here are just a few (of the MANY fabulous churches) with great support systems set up. In the Bible-belt where I live in Texas there’s my home church Gateway in Southlake (with campuses in North Richland Hills and Frisco). There’s also Fellowship Church in Grapevine, Oklahoma has Life Church in Edmond, California has Saddleback Church and so on. Wherever you are, get involved in your local church, be it large or small, and get the help and support you need. Having recently had a death in the family, I was just amazed at how immediately my church family surrounded us and helped up put the funeral together and just be there for us. I’ve asked myself several times in my life: “What do people do who don’t have a church family in times of need?” The Judds episode tonight showed me what they do...they have a hard time. If you are out there going it alone as a mom, let me encourage you that there is support for you out there waiting to help--reach over for help from a church near you!

From This Moment On...

2011-05-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of Shania Twain's autobiography and looking forward to reading the rest. I've always been a fan of her music and concerts--one of the best live shows I've ever attended. She is one of those rare performers who connects to everyone in the audience--women, men and kids. After a very public betrayal by her best friend having an affair with Twain's husband, understandably her world came crumbling down. Several years have now passed and she's now slowly coming back into the public eye and has just released this memoir. It's not a bitter tale of "can you believe he did this to me" rather it's a touching memoir of a overcoming life obstacles and living "From This Moment On." Kudos to Twain...looking forward to her getting back in the studio to record another album.

Get Fresh for your Man this Spring!

2011-04-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

Spring is here. A great time to make it fresh at home! Here's my quick tips on making your relationship fresh from my Southlake Moms monthly column. Click on this link: Get Fresh for your Man This Spring.

Did God Really Tell You That?

2011-04-06T06:17:00.000-07:00

Steve Laube had a great post today titled "God Gave Me This Post"! During my agent years, I so remember getting these type of calls from aspiring writers, directors and actors trying to break into Hollywood who would find out I was an agent who happened to be a Christian. Amazing how many heard from God that I was to be their agent. Some even heard my name in a dream. In most cases they quite clearly heard the wrong voice. Using the phrase "God told me" is too often manipulation (even if unintentional). Must say it was always delicate to turn them down in a loving way because some would hate me and come up to me at events-- some were so devastated that it affected their faith--but my career depended on me representing talent I could obtain paid work for (same with Steve).

Here's the great news for all those writers who feel God told them to write their project: If an agent or publisher turns you down-- simply self publish and you can quickly have your book in hand, fulfill what you are convinced God told you to do and have no hard feelings for those who didn't share your vision. Go easy on Christians making a living trying to get writers work--they have to feed their families too and if they don't feel they can sell you, then they, personally, can't and it doesn't mean they are mean or unChristian.

cleaning closet

2011-04-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

I just finished cleaning out my father-in-law's closet and ready to deliver his suits and entire wardrobe to the Homeless Shelter. So many nice suits for the men ready to get their life on track and head out to job interviews.... A beautiful cashmere coat he wore in the cold winter... Many memories of the times he wore various suits, shirts and jackets.

I didn't think it would be as hard as it just was. We lost him just over a month ago. I still expect him to wheel himself over to the dinner table and say his favorite phrase "What's goin' on" or greet the my kids off the bus "Hey buddy how was your day..." I've learned so much in this past month. You're never really ready to say goodbye, but memories are so precious and you cherish those moments when the memories flood back. May something as simple as his wardrobe bring blessings to many. So neat to get to do what he always loved to do--give to those in need. One thing about Bob, he loved to give.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

Aw the most romantic day of the year....or is it?

To some it is, to others it's stress and depression.

If you are single, make this a day to pamper yourself. Do something fun just for you. Don't go out to a restaurant tonight as it may bum you out to see so much romance. But do think about hitting a chick flick or other movie. Or catch up on your favorite TV shows you've missed by going to Hulu.com.

For those who are married, enjoy tonight if you've planned to, but no pressure to do anything big. A simple "I love you" may be all you need. It really depends on your personality and what has been set up as the expectation thus far in your relationship. For some it's no big deal, to others it's as big as the commercial hype in the media.

Check out my article on my top 3 secrets for making this a romantic evening, if you're in the mood to enjoy it: Three Ways to Make This Valentine's Night Sizzle

Whether you go out of stay in, Happy Valentines Day to you and yours.

The Golden Globes lost their shine

2011-01-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

I never miss the Golden Globes. Not only did I attend them each year from 1986-1998, I met my husband there in 1996 and have enjoyed watching them each year as a fond reminder of my Hollywood years and meeting my man-to-keep. Not only are the Golden Globes the annual predictor of who will take home the Oscars shortly thereafter, the Globes are also known as one of the most elegant Hollywood annual events. Plus EVERYONE attends from both TV and Film just to be in the same place as all their peers and hang out for a evening. Sadly, this year was different.

THIS year, Ricky Gervais delivered nothing but low class and poor taste as the emcee. There is nothing classy or funny about being a crude, offensive bully ripping everyone to shreds, which is all that Gervais delivered. The producers hit the mute button several times throughout the evening and camera shots of various stars were filled with strained expressions as the stars tried to politely smile through their discomfort. My Dad always said "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Gervais clearly wasn't raised that way. After all the flack he's been given since the show, Gervais is now taking the stance on TMZ that it is his choice to not do the show ever again. You can think that Ricky, but hopefully that option won't ever be presented to you again and movie buffs can go back to enjoying an annual evening of Hollywood Glamour rather than an evening of embarrassment and disgust.

I Can't Believe I Said That!

2010-12-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like you said the wrong thing at the wrong time? You know, in the height of emotions you went for the jugular and said what you knew better than to say it...

To cheer you this Christmas season, I thought I'd let you see some of the top CEOs blunders when they had... um...a lack of self-control. Some times it feels good to know we are not alone in our mistakes and sometimes people blow it MUCH worse than we do. As we heard pastor Craig Groeschel say when he was visiting our church this weekend-- "Bless their heart." Click here to read the Newsweek article.

It not what you do WRONG that counts. We all make mistakes, believe me. Rather, it's what we do AFTER our blunder. Being humble, asking forgiveness and doing the next right thing is what shows your true character. And frankly it helps a lot when you turn to God to help you through your mistakes.

Love & Other Drugs..Hit or Miss?

2010-11-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

LOVE & OTHER DRUGS, the Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway starring film, is an unconventional love story set during the introduction of Viagra into the marketplace, loosely based on the book HARD SELL by Pziser’s then #1 salesman Jamie Reidy.

The seemingly perfect set up for a see-it-over-and-over-again romantic comedy, LOVE & OTHER DRUGS revolves around a handsome, ladies-man sales superstar (Gyllenhaal) falling for a jaded, seen-it-all pretty girl (Hathaway), with a major twist -- she’s sick and pushes everyone away because she’s convinced no one will stay (So why bother with false hope? She reasons).

Here’s where I’m conflicted on my love/hate for this movie. What I liked was the emotional roller coaster of the main characters, that two lost people manage to find each other, the realistic life choices they wrestled, with and the heartwarming sensitivity to the the plight of sufferers of Parkinson’s disease. So yes, the set up, story line, and much of the film was intriguing, including a stellar cast and an award worthy performance from Anne Hathaway.

What I didn’t like was the excessive, squirm in your seats, gratuitous sex and over the top choices made by seasoned director Ed Zwick (Glory, Defiance, Legands of the Fall), leaving the audience noticeably uncomfortable on at least three occasions. Scene after scene of impulsive, aggressive, explicit sex filled much of the air-time of an otherwise well written, thought-provoking film. Here’s the deal Hollywood, I know longtime “good girl” actresses like to breakout of their stereotypes and do an “edgy role,” but America really doesn’t want to see their sweethearts naked--not Julia Roberts, not Julie Andrews, and not Anne Hathaway.

In my one-on-one interview with the director Zwick defended his choices of excessiveness saying it would cheapen the storyline if he had his stars “pull up the sheets and cover up.” And he feels there is “nothing wrong with nudity--it’s beautiful.”

Seriously? give me a break. Sure, the body is beautiful. But personally, I don’t want to see my boss, my friends, my family... really anyone in my life naked, other than my husband.

As a relationship coach who has literally seen it all, the way the main characters go about finding each other is clearly NOT how lasting love is ever found. Zwick claims he was simply reflecting the way Twenty-Somethings find love these days with repeated promiscuous sex until they get it right and a relationship stick. Don’t get me wrong, promiscuity happens every day, but lasting love is not what follows those encounters. Instead broken lives become filled with more emptiness.

If you’re intrigued to see what the pharmaceutical world is like behind the scenes, with romance thrown in, see this film. But this is not director Edward Zwick’s typical masterpieces where you’ll find yourself seeing it at the theatre multiple times then rush to pick up the DVD on the day of its release. It easily could have been if there had been a few different directorial choices. The end result? A film to see once then move on to the next film.

Does it REALLY Matter if We Eat Dinner Together?

2010-10-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

I had so many “memorable” experiences during my 16 years in Hollywood that will continue to fill the pages of my books. As I was filming the announcements for this month’s First Friday I was reminded of one of my appointments with a married celebrity Facialist who ranted to me, the single gal, about how I better never marry a “controlling man who expects you to cook for him because this is the 1990s” she said, (yes this was a while ago) “And self respecting women just don’t do that anymore.”

I believed she had a little baggage, but I was also saddened because I was still single and had visions of an ideal married life with romantic home cooked dinners prepared by me for my eventual perfect husband and children. Okay so reality does not always turn out like fairy tales (especially 13 years into marriage and I’m still not the best cook) BUT I still disagree with my long ago Facialist. That is why I loved two books by Devi Titus--The Home Experience and The Table--both written to help women use what is in their control to create a fabulous home life and enhance their relationships.

Here are just three of the many gems Devi Titus taught me about improving relationships around my kitchen table:

Eat Together: Pick one meal a day when your household comes together for a meal to focus and connect face to face. With today’s hectic lives, it may not be possible every single day at home -- but it’s so worth the effort.

Have Your Say: When you dine together, ask everyone to share something about their day and compel everyone to actually listen. You’ll be amazed how much is revealed that otherwise would be left unsaid. And self esteem is always raised when one feels heard.

Celebrate Together: Have something special as a couple or family that you do on special occasions. Devi gives various simple ideas for this from a special dinner plate to allowing honorees the choice of menu, switching off cooks to having theme nights like girls night, Dad’s night, and many more.

You hear Devi Titus live and in person on the 3rd Thursday of each month now through June in Colleyville, TX as she shares her 10 Smart Choices a Woman can Make to Change her Life" at Third Thursdays,

Yes, you can improve relationships around a table. These 3 simple things revolving around your kitchen table are worth adapting to your busy home life--just eat together, have your say and celebrate--and your family relationships will grow stronger every day.

Are you Between a Rock and a Hard Place?

2010-09-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but plenty of times I have found myself in that miserable, overwhelming, could-not-catch-my-breath moments of being "between a rock and a hard place." Just this morning I was in another one of those spots where I had to humble myself, beg grace and see what happens next. That is one of the reasons I gobble up anything my friend and mentor Carol Kent writes and her brand new release is exactly what I needed this very morning and can touch you as well. No matter what heartbreak, disappointment or crisis you face, this book can touch your heart and offer you hope. Here's an interview with Carol about her latest book of inspiration.

Between a Rock and a Grace Place

Tell us about the Christmas gift you received. How did it help you to find grace in the middle of a seemingly hopeless situation?

Two weeks before Christmas our doorbell rang at 9:15 p.m. It was dark outside and by the time my husband, Gene, joined me at the front door, we were surprised to find no one there. It was already dark, but my eyes fell on a large, exquisitely wrapped gift. The card on top said, “Mom.” Initially, it felt like a bad joke. Nine years earlier our son, a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy had been arrested for murdering his wife’s first husband and he was in prison serving a life-without-the-possibility-of-parole sentence.

However, I am a “Mom” and the package was left on my doorstep, so I opened it. The note appeared to be in my son’s unique handwriting. The note expressed his deep love for me and his gratefulness for what I had done to help him since his arrest. He said a “friend” had helped him deliver the surprise. Opening the box, I discovered a gorgeous russet-colored silk jacket—and it fit me perfectly.

That night I discovered something new about God and something I had forgotten about myself. He loves to interject divine surprises into our lives. His timing is always perfect, but it had been a while since I had been surprised by joy, wonder, and grace in the middle of one of the tight spots of life.

What are “grace places,” and how can hurting people in need find them?

All of us experience tight spots when life turns out differently from our dream. When we face the overwhelming obstacles of life, we can experience the last thing we ever expect—the sweet spot of grace. Grace places have a variety of forms, but some include:

Receiving love when we don’t deserve it
Finding safety in the middle of a fearful and uncertain experience
Being comforted by friends and family (people who are extensions of God’s love)
Experiencing the embrace of God when we have run out of strength and courage

“Grace means the free, unmerited, unexpected love of God, and all the benefits, delights, and comforts which flow from it.” (R.P.C. Hanson)

How important are contentment and gratitude in finding grace and peace?

My son, Jason, is teaching me that I need to choose contentment and thanksgiving in all things. As an inmate in a maximum-security prison, all of his personal items must fit in one small one-foot-high and one-and a half-feet-deep and two-and-a half feet long steel lockbox. He has learned to live comfortably with very little, which brings him a surprising sense of peace.

When I was visiting him one weekend I asked how he holds on to hope in the middle of a life-without-the-possibility-of-parole sentence. He said, “Mom, I have a gratitude list. Whenever the clouds of depression try to discouragement, I get out a piece of paper and write down everything I have to be thankful for. I’m thankful I have two parents who will be my advocates for as long as they live. The average number of years a lifer gets visits is five years and then no one comes anymore. I’m also thankful I can be a missionary on a compound that houses up to 1,700 men.” I’m learning from Jason that I find contentment when I choose to be thankful and when I invest my time in helping other people.

What are some unexpected gestures of kindness you’ve received in the past, and how did they help you through difficult times?

A couple of years ago Jason’s appendix ruptured and he was rushed from the prison to a civilian hospital. Gene and I were not allowed to know where he was and I prayed for someone to care for him as a mother would. He had two armed guards in his room at all times. Nurse Betty was assigned to Jason’s care. She treated him with respect and extraordinary care—and I knew she was a direct answer to my prayers.

A group of people who called themselves our “Stretcher Bearers” received an e-mailed monthly update on how to help with our needs. We were blessed with meals, cards, and financial gifts, often just before we needed extra funds for the next legal payment. These amazing people waited with us for two and a half years through seven postponements of the trial.

How has your definition of adventure changed over the years, and why is it important to retain adventure in your life, despite your situation?

True adventure is seeing the potential of living for things that matter in the middle of your current circumstances. We had the adventure of launching a nonprofit organization that helps to empower our son to facilitate classes by having books and DVD teaching series sent to the prison. We also have the adventure of reaching out to other people who are in crisis, which brings purpose and deep meaning to our lives.

There is a theme of surprise throughout the book. What is one of the greatest surprises you’ve had?

The powerful story of Tammy Wilson and Matthew Ben Rodriguez is in this book. Tammy contacted me after I spoke at an event she attended because my son is incarcerated in the same prison where Matt, the man who killed her mother thirteen years ago is incarcerated. She had been praying for someone to lead Matt to Christ and asked if Jason would try to meet him. It turned out that Jason and Matt were already friends and this amazing story is one of forgiveness, redemption, and restoration that can only be explained in the supernatural dimension.

Between a Rock and a Grace Place releases 10 years after your son, Jason, was sentenced to life in a maximum security prison and includes excerpts from Jason’s letters. Can you tell us how he’s doing now?

He has just taken his 8th group of men through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University Course and he will be facilitating a biblical counseling class on marriage and family this fall. He has a prayer group of twelve inmates who fast and pray for the needs of each other and their families. Prison is a depressing, dark, and sad place, but Jason is living for things that will outlast him.

When you received news about Jason’s clemency hearing being denied, how did you respond?

I wailed like a baby, sobbed, felt angry, hurt, and disappointed in God. Then we saw Jason a day after this devastating news. He was calm and very much at peace. He hugged me as I wept and said, “Mom, this case isn’t about having the best attorney or about having the favor of Florida’s top executive political leaders. If I am ever allowed to walk in freedom in this lifetime, it will be because God miraculously opened a door that was closed.” My son helps me to develop an eternal perspective and that day he comforted me.

What advice do you have for those who are stuck between a rock and a grace place?

In the middle of your own hurt reach out to someone else who needs help worse than you do. When you involve yourself in meeting the needs of others, you discover an unexpected freedom on the inside. Corrie ten Boom once said, “What did you do today that only a Christian would have done?”

As a result of your journey, you and your husband have founded the nonprofit organization Speak Up for Hope. What are the goals of the organization, and how can people get involved?

Our vision: To help inmates and their families adjust to their new normal.

Our mission: We exist to provide hope to inmates and their families through encouragement and resources.

Please go to www.speakupforhope.org for a list of practical ways individuals, churches, and organizations can help with specific projects. Our goal is to live out the truth of Prov. 31:8-9: “Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. Speak out for justice. Stand up for the poor and destitute!”

Where may we connect with you further or to purchase a copy of Between a Rock and a Grace Place?

I would love for you to visit my web site at www.CarolKent.org, browse through the various events and other resources available. You may also join me on my Facebook page, please click here.

Watch her on YouTube talking on this book Between a Rock and a Grace Place
A complimentary copy of this book was provided to me as a blog tour host by Zondervan in exchange for posting this interview on my blog. Please visit Christian Speaker Services atwww.ChristianSpeakerServices.com for more information about blog tour management services.

Having One of the THOSE Days?

2010-09-17T06:40:00.000-07:00

Aw those days that are just .... well ... blah. Your just down on so many things because you have so many reasons... On days like that I just love to pick up and read the book of Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament (right after Proverbs). It's the same author who wrote most of Proverbs, but on a very down day. Today I read Chapter 11 at breakfast about casting your bread upon the water "Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." Lots of wisdom in this short book with plenty of empathetic "meaningless....it's all meaningless" thrown in to keep it real. So next time you just need a little "I know how you feel" rather than a bubbly pep talk, pick up your Bible and read 12 little chapters of Ecclesiastes and realize even King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, had days like this. (By the way I just love "The Bible Experience". I put it on my Ipod and listen to it on my walks. Best audio Bible EVER!)

Thankfully, Bristol Broke it off!

2010-08-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

Less than 3 weeks after the US Magazine announcement of an engagement, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement to Levi Johnston. As painful as breakups are, this will ultimately be such a blessing that it ends NOW rather than after the wedding because believe me, this guy is trouble. Anyone who would betray someone the way he betrayed and sold out Bristol and her family would certainly do it again. And forget the excuse that he was young. Character is developed early and this is a guy who not only sold out his ex-girlfriend's family for media attention, he also rushed out and took it all off in a PlayGirl spread. Yes, Bristol, mourn the loss of love and the loss of your dream of you two being together, but know that one day you will be thrilled with your decision to end it for the second time! (Check out the whole story here: http://hhvx.com/BristolPalin.)

Ali chooses Love...Will it Last?

2010-08-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky steps out with fiancé Roberto Martinez in Hollywood after the season finale revealed she accepts his proposal. An adorable couple I rooted for all season, I wish them both the best, but have doubts they'll make it in the long run with their impulsive decision to move in together right away, oh my. Sadly, couples who live together before marriage have an even higher risk of break up than couples who wait for marriage to cohabitant. Not only that, Ali & Roberto have the Bachelor/Bachelorette curse of less than 10% making it down the aisle. The show has exactly two couples who have. And although last night was the franchise's highest rated finale since 2004, as a Love Coach my main concern for the couple's chances of success is that they have rushed into moving in together, long before the relationship has had any time to mature. Such a bummer. Ali & Roberto had the most in common, the strongest chemistry, and best shot of a life after the show. Yes, she really liked Frank too, but even if another girl did NOT come back in the picture, Frank was not the best choice for Ali when you look at the whole package--he had recently given up a solid career to pursue a Hollywood dream of writing a yet unwritten screenplay and still lives at home...not exactly currently in a place to support a wife. I'm all for pursuing your dreams, but he could have written his screenplay and kept his day job until he got his break!).

Back to my point about why I'm bummed they rushed to move in together. Once a relationship rushes into sex, communication and respect slow down or cease because the focus is on chemistry. Now that they live together he no longer has to work at winning her over and the relationship will settle into everyday life of "playing house" long before there is a foundation and history together other than the bubble of a fantasy relationship developed in front of the cameras. Thus a relationship that had all the potential to work out in the long run may fall apart merely because they skipped the vital step of laying the foundation. Time will tell.Finding A Man Worth Keeping: Dating Secrets that Work

The Bachelor repeats Sleeping with the Enemy?

2010-08-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

: Jake & Vienna

Jake & Vienna make their much hyped face to face appearance tonight on "The Bachelorette" to explain their breakup after their "He said, She said" interviews they both sold to tabloids. Of course I tuned in for relationship "research" for my readers. Here's the deal girls....I had watched Jake's season on ABC's "The Bachelor". Yes, Vienna has issues getting along with women and had every gal in the house hating her. Yes, she is alienated back home in Florida and doesn't get along with women anywhere. Thus, she has a little work to do in interpersonal relationships. BUT, when you watched the interview between the he two of them tonight, oh my, Jake didn't come out looking very good. In fact he reminded me quite clearly of a leading character in the Julia Roberts starring film Sleeping with the Enemy! He came across as a controlling, angry, freak, oh my. Girls. I have been happily married for over 12 years to a great guy. And you know what? If he measures a room and arranges our furniture and I don't like it, I'll whip out that same tape measure and give my own "expert" opinion. And he won't freak and say "You undermined me." He's knows ahead of time that I'm opinionated and I'm going to do it. Also, if I ask him directions and he tells me exactly where to go, I'm going to whip out my GPS anyway and type in the address and he won't get all angry and lose his attraction for me, he'll instead expect it and yes he'll comment in an irritated voice "Why did you even ask." These two examples are exactly two examples Jake gave to plead his case that Vienna didn't respect him and totally undermined him every moment and that "no man would be attracted to a woman like that." Whew....I could go on and on, but let's just say, ladies, if you're man is that insecure, controlling and troubled when you're dating, don't walk down the aisle, because if self-respect is what you want, he is not a man-to-keep.

Where we EAT can change our Life...Really?

2010-05-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Stuck on the freeway on the way to have breakfast with a Single mother of 4 this morning, I popped in the CD of author/speaker Devi Titus and re-listened to her talk on THE TABLE. I was so convicted and inspired all over again. I had gone through her HOME EXPERIENCE study 3 years ago -- the beautiful coffee-table-book is prominently displayed in my kitchen to remind me of the life I want to live daily. Today I was reminded of her core message--that actually SITTING DOWN and having a daily meal, face to face with our kids as a family makes all the difference in the world on their life and ours! Much more depth to the message than this brief summary, but so worth your time to pick up one of her two books--every Mom (single or married mom) needs this material--you will benefit tremendously from this wisdom about how WHERE we eat daily affect the quality of our current and future life.

: Home Experience by Devi Titus

Is Date Night needed or overrated?

2010-04-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

Went to see DATE NIGHT with my husband and a few other couples on our regularly schedule "date night". My review of the film? During several scenes you'll burst out laughing a little too loud as it rings true to your life. It's a funny premise in concept, but several scenes are tacky--they didn't need to "go there". Good enough to see once, just not over and over. Take away from the movie? Have regular DATE NIGHT's with your spouse and strive to keep it as exciting as when you were dating. For more of my take on dating your spouse, read my latest article on SouthlakeMoms.com

What we Think About and what we Want

2010-04-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of reading neurologist Dr. Caroline Leaf's new book THE GIFT IN YOU--discover new life through gifts hidden in your mind. And it is a surprisingly good book. It's not too "scholarly" that we can't understand it and yet Dr. Leaf offers cutting edge, ground breaking insights into the latest discoveries in research on the brain. Quite intriguing read since Solomon announced in the book of Proverbs over 3000 year ago that indeed we are what we think. My Uncle Darwin always mentored us with this wisdom as we were growing up. Now here's a book where science validates and confirms what the Bible has been claiming and Dr. Leaf gives practical tips on how to "retrain" your brain to stop stinkin' thinking that defeats and sabotages your dreams and start thinking healthy, empowering thoughts that will help you get where you want to go.

Are we REALLY Ever Ready to Give Up What Annoys Us?

2010-01-15T09:38:00.000-08:00

I've been on a reading frenzy since New Years and one of the books I devoured was a book I read 16 years ago, a little known fiction book from CS Lewis called THE GREAT DIVORCE. This book tells a tale of ghosts who venture out on a field trip which offers them a choice of heaven or hell...all they have to do is choose...and give up what annoys them anyway. Will they choose heaven or hell? I got so many new things out of it this time around and saw so many things in ME that needed reflection, pondering and yes, giving up. The Great Divorce is a quick, easy read with great rewards. Here's my take on it http://hhvx.com/CSLewis. I heard my friend Ken Wales is exploring making a movie out of it...ooh that would be so cool. Hope it happens and wouldn't it be perfect to have Anthony Hopkins in the CS Lewis role again.

Could you be like Heidi Montag?

2010-01-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

I saw that reality star Heidi Montag, at just 23, had 10 plastic surgeries in one day back in November and made it clear this will be far from her last. Married to fellow reality star Spencer Pratt, People magazine claims he was not for the surgeries as he thinks she's perfect as is, rather it was Heidi's personal obsession. Ladies, I don't have a problem with plastic surgery in general. I am saddened when it is clearly an addiction, because when it is an addiction, there is much more going on internally and emotionally. Heidi is empty inside and feels that physical perfection is going to fill that void, it's not. And besides physical perfection is an illusion. She was a beautiful girl before her first surgery in 2007 (if that was indeed her first) and yet that didn't fulfill her. I dive into the topic of if, when and how how often to indulge in cosmestic procedures in both my relationship books FINDING A MAN WORTH KEEPING and THE AUTOMATIC 2nd DATE. Check them out if you want insight on how to decide if it's for you. In the meantime, if you are contemplating going under the knife journal about it ahead of time to get to the bottom of the real reason you want the surgery. Is it to feel more love? Is it to be accepted? It it to feel worthy? What happens if you don't get those results? What are other ways to feel these results? Improving bad teeth, a crooked nose or other perceived flaws can do wonders IF you already love YOU and are emotionally healthy the way you are before the change. As you read this, if you find that you, like Heidi, feel empty inside and think that more beauty, more money, more something will fill your void inside, check out this link!

The Mystery of God's Will for your Life is finally revealed--Thanks TD Jakes!

2010-01-04T12:40:00.000-08:00

Can't stop pondering the incredible message from TD Jakes last night as he was the guest speaker at Gateway Church's annual FIRST conference. TD Jakes dared to tackle the mystery of God's Will for our lives...and not just God's first will for every human (knowing God personally) but the specific, personal will for every individual person. In other words, what in the world are you here for? And how can you know what you're supposed to do? So many dynamic and profound insights given. For example, Jakes compared God's will to the will drafted by a loving parent for his children. He also pointed out how crucial discernment is for you to know when you've been given direction. And how if you really want something you have to ask, and God is not offend if you ask over and over. I so highly recommend everyone order the DVD or CD of this talk from Gateway. I could not do it justice to summarize it for you. Just know that it touched me deeply.

If He Can Change the World....Why Don't We?

2010-01-01T09:21:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while you come upon an writer who is so gifted, eloquent and generous with his use of words and language that you literally can’t put the book down, nor cease from pondering the powerful message his words convey. Eric Metaxas, author of Amazing Grace: William Wilberforce and the Heroic Campaign to End Slavery is one such writer. His biography of William Wilberforce brought the famous eighteenth century abolitionist to life once again to a generation who never knew him. For those of you who don’t know the name Wilberforce, he was a British man of privilege who rose to power in Parliament at the young age of 24, met God, and passionately fought a twenty year battle to abolish slavery and a fifty year battle to win the emancipation of slavery throughout Europe (which finally happened just one day before his death in 1833). Not only that but Wilberforce also fought many other social injustice battles throughout his life and is credited for bring social conscious into existence. Eric Metaxas seemlessly pulls the reader into Wilberforce’s world as though you were actually there. He smashes the myth that the era was sweet and romantic and exposes a world of utter moral corruption and lawlessness along with the shocking truth that 25% of all women in Europe were prostitutes during that time, alcoholism was a way of life for the privileged and poor alike, public slayings were condoned, and religion was tolerated but frowned upon. In the midst of this, Wilberforce chose to make his life count and make a difference, never giving up despite unthinkable opposition. As we devour the pages before us, Metaxas pierces the heart of his readers to ponder not only Wilberforce’s impact on this world, but also to stop and ponder our own lives and to pray for guidance on what we were put here for, how we can make a lasting difference during our short time we’ve been given on this earth. Thank you Eric...and keep writing. I can’t wait to read your biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

It's All Turned Around When I Accepted Me

2009-12-30T06:52:00.000-08:00

It’s the end of 2009 and the end of a DECADE. It went fast, didn’t it? As the year and decade comes to the end I’ve been doing a lot of reading and pondering about what has been and what is to come. Guess what? The next decade is going to be great! One book I came across is an inspiring small little book filled with affirmations that we can all benefit from--especially any woman who is going through an unexpected life transition be it a breakup, divorce, or loss or any type. Just one minute a day with Sonja Samuel’s little book WHEN I ACCEPTED ME can help you push through the pain and jump into hope and happiness. Here’s an interview with Sonja about this fun book:

Victorya: Sonja, Why write about accepting yourself and self-esteem and what are you meaning?

Sonja: Self esteem is the extent to which we like, respect and accept ourselves. It encompasses our beliefs, emotions and behavior. It has been said that 2 out of 3 people at any given time suffers from low self esteem, and low self esteem can negatively affect every part of our lives. The way we think is essential to winning over negativity and boosting self esteem.

Victorya: I agree we all have negative self-talk going on that can be very defeating. Why is self-esteem important to you?

Sonja: Self esteem is important to me because after dealing with a difficult separation and divorce, I found myself struggling to rebuild my self esteem. That whole experience had taken me down a road of despair and depression like I had never experienced before. High self esteem had never been a problem for me so when life became difficult and it challenged me to question myself, I was completely thrown for a loop. It caused me to question my self- worth and value, and in the end I really struggled with accepting myself. I started thinking something must be wrong with me. I had gotten lost in my emotions when it really was about what was going on in my head. High self esteem starts with what we think! Sometimes we suffer from ‘thinking stinking’ and that can present a different set of issues; overall, I learned that to develop high self esteem we must examine what we think because that is what shapes our perspective and allows us to accept ourselves along with the challenges of life from a more positive perspective than negative one. That’s why I focused my book on positive affirmations for accepting me.

Victorya: What are some things we can do each day to help build our self esteem?

Sonja: Here are seven simple steps that we all can do to help our self-esteem: 1) Smile often to yourself and to others. Greet others when you see them and ask how they are and how their day is going. This helps build positive relationships with others. 2) Eliminate the negative. When a negative thought enters your mind, stop and immediately counter it with a positive thought about the same subject. 3) Be nice to others and be nice to yourself. Conversely, don't degrade others and don't degrade yourself. 4) Face your fears and forget your failures (after learning from them). Focus on your achievements and successes. Reward yourself when you succeed. 5) Quit thinking about trying to be perfect. No one is, so just accept that as it is. Don't be too competitive and don't compare yourself with others. 6) Don't worry about what others think of you. Just be the best you that you can be. And 7) Hang out with positive and optimistic people who also have high self esteem and self confidence. But when you are around negative people, try to direct your positive and optimistic thoughts in their direction. Don't let them pull down your level of self confidence or self esteem.

Victorya: This all sounds great....plus I've read your book! How can my readers get their hands on their own copy of your fun book of affirmations?

Sonja: WHEN I ACCEPTED ME can be ordered from my website at www.sonjasamuel.com. It would be a great way to start the year and to recharge for the coming year. We are extending it at our special introduction offer of $14.95 because we want to get the book out into as many hands as possible. For me it is a tool for empowering others which is my personal mission in life.

Snow on Christmas Eve!

2009-12-24T10:24:00.000-08:00

We had beautiful 70 degree weather yesterday in Dallas/Fort Worth and today it's snowing! Yea! Isn't that how life is. One day is one extreme and the next is another. I find hope in that--especially on days that are really the pits. Next time your day brings you more than you can bear remember Scarlet O'Hare's famous words "After all, tomorrow is another day." And hold on to hope. Just know God has a personal plan for your life and it is for you to win! My favorite passage of scripture is Psalm 139. Read it this Christmas Eve along with Luke 2--the ultimate gift for all.

Merry Christmas 2009 and may 2010 be filled with blessings for you and yours!

Victorya

Choose to Change Your Thoughts!

2009-12-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

I was given this CD series Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life over a year ago after appearing as a guest on Jennifer Crow's show HER VICTORY. It sat on my shelf until two days ago when I cleaned out my office and the title intrigued me. I've completed 2 of the 5 CDs. Wow, it was really great. Our negative habitual thought patterns (which we all have) really keep us from being all we can be! If you aren't exactly where you want to be and have ever felt like you "self-sabotage"--hello that's me!, you'll want to order this series. It can change your life! Way to go Jennifer Crow. Thanks!

Is Carrie Prejean Stupid or Vilified?

2009-11-10T06:56:00.001-08:00

I just watched the entire interview with ousted beauty queen Carrie Prejean about the latest scandal about her alleged "sex tape" and this is another case of her being blasted in the media because of her being a conservative Christian speaking out on her beliefs. When I heard the rumor of the new scandal I was obviously annoyed thing "Girl, how dumb can you be, especially if you knew you had a tape out there!" Let's just say it is worth watching the interview on The Today Show (November 10, People section). Her "sex tape" was not her having sex with herself or anyone else. Actually if was a dumb choice of hers to do what is now commonly known as "sexting"-- a one time text of a short video she took of herself only on her phone for her boyfriend when she was 17. The lesson she says is really for all teens across America and that is everything you do affects you for the rest of your life and can come back to haunt you. She was not proud of her actions, tho' she never thought it would come out or that her ex even had the clip still on his phone. But she feels it only enhances the message she shares in her new book Still Standing. Though the media will continue to try and vilify her because she is a conservative, her message is worth hearing, girls, please think before you grab your camera -- there is NO privacy these days with the access to Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. What you do is out there for the world to see and you to regret! And I can't end this blog without sharing my agreement with her on her point that if she were a liberal non of this would be in the press. It's interesting, isn't it, that there is free of speech for a liberal point of view, but when it is a conservative point of view the media goes on a mission to discredit and destroy. It has become politically correct to be everything anti-Christian but for those who speak up for Jesus, you will be vilified in the media....hmmm, doesn't the Bible tell us that will happen? Sad but happening. Check out the link below for the full interview at the Today Show (November 10, People Section)

Man do I have a story!?!

2009-10-30T06:53:00.001-07:00

Great post by Chip MacGregor today. He's a top literary agent in the publishing world. As you may or may not know the publishing world changes constantly and in this economic downturn it is one of the hardest hit industries. .As a published author who fills my how-to books with my stories (by focusing on my readers' needs), I so get what Chip Macgregor is talking about here! Great wisdom offered for free here! If you're not already famous and you dream of publishing your life story, read MacGregor's entire post. Chip Macgregor tells it like it is! But don't let that discourage you, rather read to the end and get his wisdom on how you can STILL reach your dream--make YOUR story useful for other's struggles by helping THEM conquer what you already conquered rather than making it all about you.

My favorite game of all time

2009-10-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Cleaning out my office and just came across my ticket stubs from Aug 2, 1997 Anaheim Angels vs Chicago White Sox at Anaheim Stadium...always one of my favorite games of all time...didn't remember who won, but I do know it was the night my man proposed. Aw....never has the national anthem brought such tears...or was it the ring on my finger.

Just looked up the score that game and the

Angels prevailed over the White Sox 5-2

Up until that night my favorite rendition of the national anthem was Whitney Houston's at the Super Bowl.

Wild Things too dangerous for Kids under 12

2009-10-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so if your kids are having a lot of nightmares parents, please consider what you're allowing them to watch simply because all the kids are watching it. Read these silly parent comments from parents who carelessly let their kids go to any movie that comes out (PG, R, whatever). I bet they wonder why their kids don't sleep well! I won't be taking my 7 & 8 year old. USA TODAY REVIEW And let me finish my rant by saying how irritated I am when I go to an adult comedy, like a Will Ferrell or Adam Sandler movie and see many families with young kids in the audience. Come on parents, do you all talk like that at home? Sad if you do.

The Perfect Gift for Every American

2009-06-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading THE AMERICAN PATRIOT'S BIBLE "the Word of God and the Shaping of America". I didn't know what to expect and at first I was skeptical thinking "hey, are they going to try and analyze every prophecy in the Bible and trying and say it's all about America. But that IS NOT what this book is about at all. Instead it is a prolific Study Bible that includes history and notes throughout every page revealing our spiritual heritage in AMERICA and how the Bible openly and unapologetically formed our American values and uniqueness among nations. I was blown away by how often our Presidents throughout our history have not only acknowledged the necessity of the Bible but also quoted from it often! If you are an American, rush out and get this Bible and see what America really used to be about instead of what it has become in the last few years. Every student, parent, soldier and citizen should read the inspiring TRUE, FACTUAL and TRACEABLE accounts of our spiritual heritage and editor Dr. Richard G. Lee has passionately put it in one volume within the pages of this special Study Bible with authentic quotes straight from our history pages. As you can see, I truly LOVED THIS BOOK!

Shia LaBeouf and the God-sized hole

2009-06-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

Pray for 23 year old mega star Shia LaBeouf. The star of both Transformers movies plus Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is on the cover of PARADE magazine for June 14 and confesses he is mixed-up and doesn't have a clue what to do. "I don't handle fame well...." LeBeouf says. I have no idea where this insecurity comes from, but it's a God-sized hole. If I knew, I'd fill it, and I'd be on my way."

Like so many Hollywood stars, LaBeouf appears to have the the world at his feet with everything anyone could dream of and yet this self confessed alchoholic says he has no idea what life is about.

Pray that God will bring an authentic Christian into LaBeouf's life to share hope and Truth with him and that LaBeouf will be open to bring Christ into his life to fill that "God-sized hole".

Prayer changes things. Be part of the change for LaBeouf's life!

Need a Lttle Hope Right Now?

2009-05-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

This is my new favorite book! WHAT TO DO ON THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE shows you how to handle your crisis right now. Inspired by King David (1 Samuel 30) and his worst day--he returned from a 3 day battle to find his wife and kids kidnapped, his home burned to the ground and financially bankrupt all in ONE day. Now that's a bad day. To make matters worse, by the end of the day his army wanted to kill him for it because they were in the same boat. King David did TEN things to survive this terrible day and his wisdom and insight is exactly what so many of us need during our current crisis! This is a PERFECT gift and must read for anyone going through a terrible time--be it financially, relationally or physically. My only hope is that Brian Zahnd expands this book (the size of THE PRAYER OF JABEZ) into a full on Bible Study so we can dive into this insight even more.

Okay, Donald...the Right Move

2009-05-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, Donald Trump made a smart move amidst "politically incorrect" unrest. He just chose NOT to remove Carrie Prejean as Miss California amidst the controversy of her no-gay-marriage stance. Good for you Donald. I mean I expected him to follow suit of the attack on Prejean, an attack that was only waged because of her conservative Christian views, no matter what the media tries to say. Yes, it is a shame that she succombed to pressure and did photos in her underware last year...something EVERY single model is pressured to do in their career. I will tell you though the ONLY reason those pictures were tracked down and published was because they had a smear campaign on this young girl after she was ambushed with a loaded question and answered it according to her Christian views...this was/is a spiritual battle this young girl is under.

Reaction to Celebrity Apprentice Finale

2009-05-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

Did you catch the season finale Sunday night of this season's Celebrity Apprentice ? Trump's pompus attitude is rather unappealing at best. I mean he acts all put out when someone shows some dislike for someone, yet seems to forget his embarassing tirade he had with Rosie O'Donnell last year. Melissa Rivers and Jesse James were cut down by Trump in the middle of their response during the finale when he asked them questions. Melissa had gotten very offended when she was cut from the show weeks before and had a minor temper tantrum--which as a female I've been guilty of a similar scene I must admit. Trump wouldn't let it die ...hello Trump...you were significantly MORE immature during your Rosie O'Donnell tantrums, now come on! Trump was the one who ended up looking bad on Sunday's finale. Then there was Trump's attack on Jesse James (married to Sandra Bullock & brilliant entreprenuer in his own right) about how he had confronted Dennis Rodman on the show to do an "intervention" to help him get sober. Jesse acted as a hero and in the best interest of Dennis, yet Trump, again, tried to cut down Jesse and say his was wrong to talk to him like that. If Trump would have only listened to what others were saying he'd see that Jesse was being a great guy and caring about his fellow person! Joan Rivers (the WINNER), Melissa Rivers and Jesse James were the ones who shined this year as having character.

To All The Moms--You're Appreciated!

2009-05-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers Day! I heard a fabulous Mom's Day message. You can see & hear it LIVE at 9, 10 & 12:45 (CT) today, Sunday at http://www.gatewaypeople.tv/ or during the week you can hear it during the week at http://www.gatewaypeople.com/.

I also noticed that Dr. Laura just came out with a book "In Praise of Stay-At-Home Moms." Sounds like a great book. If that describes you, check it out. Too often stay-at-home moms don't get credit for all their precious work!

Depth in Unlikely Places

2009-05-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

I was already a huge fan of the book Same Kind of Different as Me. That book shocked, convicted, inspired and moved me. If you haven't read it yet, go out today and pick up a copy. You will fall in love with "Ms. Debbie" and you will be utterly inspired at the depth of Denver and impressed with the honesty and human-ness of Ron.

Yesterday Ron Hall and Denver Moore came and spoke live at First Friday to about 2000 ladies. Ron is a humorous, honest, engaging, & dynamic speaker who had us at the edge of our seats the entire time. He brought Denver up at the end of his talk to sing for us and share for a few moments. Though his speech at times mumbles together and is hard to understand, every single word is such incredible depth & wisdom it is shocking that he has never been able to read or write and has never spent a day in school. Clearly this man hears from God--he speaks truth.

Okay so if you know nothing about the book, here's my review I wrote when I first read it, so some of the above will make more sense.

You must read this book. You will be humbled, encouraged, challenged and heart broken as you read this gripping true story of three very different people with more in common that you can imagine. Have you ever felt worthless? Ever wrestled with prejudice or apathy? Or have you felt you were better than someone? Come on now, haven't we all at some level felt all of these feelings at one time or other? Read SAME KIND OF DIFFERENT AS ME. It will show you the world from another's eyes. You'll see how we lose out for judging others so quickly, no matter their race, social status or gender! SAME KIND OF DIFFERENT AS ME is the true story of Ron Hall, a wealthy art dealer, his precious wife Debbie Hall and Denver Moore, a homeless man who never had a chance in life--not even a chance to go to school. They meet up when Ron's wife Debbie begs him to join her in volunteering at a homeless shelter. My oh my, we all have so much to learn. Ever think God was a respecter of persons? Then read this book and think again. If you ever wondered how God can use you, even if you feel you are worthless or unimportant, then read this book. Denver Moore may have been an uneducated homeless man, but God loves him and has/had a specific plan for his life from the day he was born...a plan bigger than he could have ever dreamed! God has used him to change me. Thank you Denver and Ron for sharing your story. Thank you Debbie for living your life free from regrets! May I take your challenge and live every day of my life as though it was my last, no matter the circumstance. Read the story of Ron, Debbie and Denver and change your life today!

Notice the NOTICER!

2009-04-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while a book comes along that is so empowering you have to read it in small doses, yet keep finding yourself coming back to it often until you’ve finished every word. The Noticer is one of those gems. A follow up to Andy Andrew’s The Travelor’s Gift which I also enjoyed, this new one is his best yet, offering a depth comparable to C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce and Till We Have Faces. What is this book even about? Jones (not Mr. Jones), an old drifter comes through Orange Beach, Alabama and transforms lives by paying attention and simply noticing what is really going on in their lives. One by one he offers them a fresh perspective—something we ALL can use. It is a book of common wisdom pulled together through an amazing, moving tale that grips you from the opening page. You will find profound statements throughout this book that you will underline and ponder over and over. I am confident the wisdom shared will find relevance in your own life, such as page 13 “whatever you focus on increases;” of page 65 “It takes a truly wise person to discern that oh-so-thin line between good and best;” Page 110 “Change is immediate! Instantaneous! It may take a long time to decide to change…but change happens in a heartbeat;” Page 111 “Have you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions while we judge others by their actions?” And these are just the tip of the iceberg. Pick up The Noticer and dive into the adventure of a new perspective!

The Secret to Being Prepared for the Crisis

2009-04-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Just got the news today that there was a MAJOR shakeup at my favorite publishing house and all but one of my friends are gone from there, just like that, in an instant. Some had been there over 20 years! Changes....we don't always like them, do we? And this is not exactly the easiest time for even the most talented people to be looking for work. It is, however, the time to put into practice all the stuff we have been writing about in Christian publishing these past few years and stand tall during our hard times. I heard Heather Mercer speak last week (she was the missionary who was held prisoner in Afghanistan during 9-11). One of the profound insights she shared was that ONCE a crisis hits you no longer have preparation time, you are just THERE stuck with whatever you put into your head up to that moment. And it was at that moment when she realized that it was the Scriptures, yes those simple memory verses she learned throughout Vacation Bible School and morning devotions over the years, that she had chosen to memorize throughout her life that came flooding back to carry her through her life threatening crisis.

Don't you get it? It was what she had ALREADY prepared for that came back to save her. What are we doing to be prepared for the unexpected in our own lives? None of us knew 9-11 was coming, but it did. No one REALLY thought our economy would collapse, but it did. My friends didn't think the new president of the publishing house would really let everyone go in less than a month, but he did.

Get ready. Prepare by absorbing the Bible each and every day. It never grows old and you get something new out of it each and every day. Pastor Robert Morris gave the most profound Easter sermon I've every heard in my life thus far (check it out at Gatewaypeople.com). We aren't perfect and we never will be, but we serve a God who was and is and is to come. He is our covering and he is right here to carry us through ANY unexpected moment of life. Are you prepared? Do you have a relationship with him?

We may never find ourself in a foreign prison facing the death penalty for talking about Jesus like Heather Mercer, but we WILL face circumstances that will be tragic and in those moments, will you be prepared by knowing God's word by heart? I challenge you to begin today to memorize Scripture and hide it in your heart. Those words will flood your mind when you need them most!

Mercy for Mistake?

2009-03-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

News and any Live television is an over-the-top tense, crazy and insane business in Hollywood. The time pressure to do everything right this very moment or you blow it is unbelievable. James Brooks 1987 movie “BROADCAST NEWS” did an excellent job of reflecting that intensity. I freelanced live award shows for 16 years at such shows as the Grammy Awards to Golden Globes Awards and the intensity was always the same. Mistakes weren’t forgiven. One such time I will always remember was seeing one of my friends go in to make last minute script changes for Dick Clark. All changes are always done in DIFFERENT colored paper and inserted to all the key players' scripts (including the director, producer, stage manager and camera man). My friend copied her draft in the WRONG color and turned everyone into a panic. It was still 6 hours before show time, but it didn’t matter. I watched helplessly while they searched to find out who did the copying and had her escorted from the premises. She would not be permitted to even watch the show. Harsh punishment in my opinion. I was very disappointed at the meanness of it all. Sure they had the right to remove her from copying. But to treat her like someone who was caught stealing was ridiculous.

I made a mistake today. And because of that tiny error of not following one of the MANY instructions, the whole effort was for nothing. My mistake was on a fun job as a mystery shopper for a fast food restaurant I frequent. I decided to sign up for mystery shopping because it sounded like a no-brainer hobby to get paid to do something you do anyway. And one thing I do is eat out and dine in often whenever I write or edit. I did virtually everything on the 3 pages of single spaced small print. What I did wrong was not do something that was on the 10 pages of small print when I originally signed up for the company and that was to sit down for 15 minutes after my order was delivered to continue observation. Because of that I don’t get paid or reimbursed. Of course it’s not the end of the world, but it was very frustrating and unfair in my opinion.

The punishment wasn’t as harsh as the producers of the MTV Awards were to my friend. And I wasn’t humiliated in front of my favorite celebrities. But it still brought back all those memories of how harsh, unjust and unfair life can be in a world of an all-or-nothing mentality…. But isn’t that how life is? Think about it. You can put your whole heart and soul into believing in something or someone, but if you’ve chosen the wrong one to believe in, you’ve lost everything for eternity. You either get it right, and believe in the one true God or believe in a lie and lose your soul for eternity, no matter how sincere your mistake was. On my mystery shop I had every opportunity to get my instructions down correctly and I blew it. My friend’s accident of not copying the papers in the right color could have caused some major embarrassment to Dick Clark on live television. So many life-ending tragedies have happened when someone was putting in a well intentioned effort and just blew it for an instant. And good intentions have paved the way to hell for generations. Yes, life is hard, but Jesus came to give us peace and most important to give us a gift we don’t have to earn.

We can’t be perfect….believe me I’ve tried. the good news is we don’t have to be. Human beings have tried to be perfect or good enough to reach God since man began, but we can’t earn salvation. It is not something to be earned. It is a gift. Today reminded me of how wonderful a gift it is. Romans 10:9 tells us if we believe in our heart that Jesus is Lord and confess with our mouth that Christ was raised from the dead, we will be saved. I have received salvation already and I won’t be kicked out and not get to enjoy heaven, even if copied the wrong pages or forgot to wait an extra 15 minutes. I will be embraced and accepted and loved just as I am. And not only do I gain eternity with this gift, I get Jesus guiding me throughout my life, throughout my mistakes, disappointments and heartbreaks and I have found meaning in the midst of it all. Thank you Jesus for your ultimate gift of giving up your life for mine and for accepting me, mistakes, flaws, imperfections and all.

Faith of Our Father and The Bachelor

2009-02-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

The latest episode of ABC's The Bachelor was the "meet the parents" episode of the season. 4 ladies got to bring Jason home to be checked out to see if he was son-in-law material. Each season there appears to be one bachelorette who has strong faith in Jesus or has a parent filled with faith, and this season was no different, although I was a little surprised to see which one. Naomi did not exactly come across as a bachelorette of faith. But when we met her family -- both her mom and her dad -- I saw why. Her mother is a reincarnation, new age, anyway to heaven kinda gal. Her father is a devout follower of Jesus Christ. I was so proud of him for sharing his faith so eloquently on national TV (he obviously knew the cameras were rolling). Naomi has faith in God, but I'm not sure how close she is to Jesus. Jason revealed he doesn't have a background of faith and it's not a part of his life.

As a relationship coach, I felt bad for Naomi as she is quite niave as many of my young coaching clients are at love. After elimination she went on to say that perhaps should have discussed faith early on in her relationship with Jason but all that really matters in any relationship is that you love each other and then everything else will work out. NO IT WON'T. Wake up and face the divorce rate. There is so much MORE to love than chemical attraction and feelings of love. No matter how much you THINK you love each other, if you do not have common bonds on the important areas of your life, then there will not be a happy ending. You can pretend there will be but you will soon enough realize you were wrong.

Thank you GA's & RAs!

2009-02-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

Kids from across the country have been sending birthday cards to my 8 year old son Matthew. He is LOVING every minute of it and cherishing each and every card that appears in our mailbox and inbox on my computer. He LOVES being a missionary kid to Hollywood. Every time another letter shows up he says "I love being famous for loving Jesus!" Thank you so much GAs and RAs! Even though I can't write back to each and every one of you personally, please know that your cards have been so appreciated to a young boy who loves God and loves to tell his friends about Jesus. Keep praying for us and keep praying for your favorite stars in Hollywood! And hey, the Jonas Brothers just moved 3 miles away from us so my kids are on the look out for them for you. Thought you would enjoy that bit of news.

You CAN Reach Victory

2009-02-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

Wow, these times are tough. This recession we are in is touching every corner of America from Hollywood to Manhattan, Chicago to Dallas, Christians to non-believers. On Friday I spoke at an event that is very special to my heart called FIRST FRIDAY. It's a monthly event we invite women throughout my community near Dallas/Fort Worth airport. It's real talk about real life for real women. Normally I'm the emcee of this event that draws over 400 monthly. This month I was the speaker sharing about my life in Hollywood and, keeping with the Valentine's theme, offering the secrets of how to consistantly experience love during the highs and lows of life and relationships. What a drama I had in the 2 weeks leading up to the event. I mean I had turmoil with a capital T! In the midst of my melt downs and anxiety, God met me and Gave me a new message which I shared at FIRST FRIDAY as well as on THELMA & FRIENDS the new TV show where I'm a recurring guest (think The View meets Women of Faith). The message God gave me is simply to REACH! Reach Up, Reach Over and Reach Out every day and especially everytime you're struggling. I LIVE this daily and I lived this throughout my two weeks of drama leading up to my event. A simple to remember action plan you all can follow...

1. REACH UP (call out to God) He sees you and He loves you. Read Psalm 139! During my
melt down this week I grabbed my dog and walked around the pond. For the 1st time in life I cried out to God “come on now, is this REALLY real or have I been investing my life in a scam?Are you really there, Lord?” IMMEDIATELY God answered. He REMINDED me of verses all that he's brought me through. And as I gazed on that still pond I remember Psalm 23--"He leads me besides still waters and he restores my soul." My soul was restored. Reach out to God. He's real!

2. REACH OVER (turn to your trusted friends for encouragement) In the midst of my drama, I called my trusted dear friend & co-author Karen Covell, and she lifted me up and let me know it was going to be okay. I REACHED OVER for help and was lifted up.

3. REACH OUT (reach out to your friends in need). I called a friend driving to chemo who just lost her hair over the weekend. Take yourself out of your crisis and jump over to help someone else. No matter WHAT you're going through, someone in your life ALWAYS has it worse and needs your help!

Reach Up, Reach Over and Reach Out and you will live a life of victory.

You just never know WHEN, but He's Working with HIS Plan

2009-01-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

I must admit, again, God is just hilarious. In the midst of tough times and frustrations and wondering am I doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, God goes and shows up at the most inopportune moments and surprises me. Last Fall, the day I was diagnosed with Shingles ON MY FACE (yes, indeed I wallowed in a tiny bit of self pity for my less than glamorous appearance) I was contacted by MTV who wanted me to be a guest dating expert on one of their new shows "SEX...with Mom and Dad" which I of course did, Shingles and all offering up my very opinionated, conservative (and proven to work, by the way) relationship advice on national TV. Six months later, today, again God throws a precious opportunity on my lap when I wasn't prepared, and at a moment when I was once again frustrated and wondering am I meeting the needs of my audience? Am I making a difference anywhere? Am I hearing correctly or am I totally off track. I was invited by a friend to be in the small studio audience of her new TV show she was hosting. I'm such a fan of this amazing woman of God and her latest book--Wow it's powerful and deep--so I was of course going to be there. But I showed up early this morning dressed as I would dress for a studio audience member--business casual, average makeup and no frills on the hairstyle (to say the least). When I arrived...well not then, but rather 2 minutes before taping...I realized I wasn't in the studio audience, I was one of the 5 recurring guests sitting on the couch with her as part of her new show. I just had to laugh because I was not dressed with TV savvy. You should have seen my shoes! And my makeup was far from camera ready, and yet here I was (without Shingles this time) once again given a fun opportunity to reach and expand my audience with hope and skills to make better choices in love and life so they can live the life they've always wanted and God has planned for them.

I'm so thrilled we serve a God who is always at work even when we are clueless and whining and unprepared. Because even when we don't think we are are ready, HE is. And even when we don't.

I Met My Husband at the Golden Globes

2009-01-15T09:27:00.000-08:00

Sunday was the 66th annual Golden Globe Awards. For 17 consecutive years I attended those awards--which by far are the most fun and glamourous evening Hollywood has to offer. They're even better than the Academy Awards because the show takes place in one ballroom where the stars begin with a cocktail party mingling with all their fellow stars and agents, producers, directors and colleagues. then sit down to their formal dining seats as the show begins. All who attend are free to approach and chat with any and every celebrity they have the nerve to approach. Security is tight, but once you're past the red-carpet you are cleared to mingle. I have many fond memories of chatting with everyone from Tom Cruise, Don Johnson, Sally Field, Kevin Costner, even Bette Davis on her last appearance before her death! I especially remember the 53rd annual Golden Globes as that was the night I met my husband. He was in town on business and just happen to be staying at the Beverly Hilton Hotel where the awards are held. We met in the lobby and before you knew it he had back stage passes, tickets to the after-party and my home phone number. Exactly 2 years later we were married in a fairy tale ceremony at the Crystal Cathedral, I retired from my agent career, and become a Hollywood Careers Coach and missionary.

Do We Need to Be FIRST to Matter?

2009-01-08T07:54:00.000-08:00

Happy 2009! I hope that this is an exciting year that brings you good things despite any challenges you may be facing in this current economy.

I just was emailed a new website from a friend and was VERY impressed. It's called "I Am Second" http://iamsecond.com and shares amazing stories from people you may know, including American Idol finalist Jason Castro from the 2008 season. Check it out and see how the lives of these individuals have meaning by being 2nd rather than 1st.

EarthQuakes, Eli Stone and Jonah

2008-04-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, I turned on my TiVO late last night and watched another episode of ELI STONE, one of my new favorite TV shows. You can still catch this particular episode on your computer, it's the 4/14/08 episode titled Waiting for That Day. In this episode Eli Stone has a vision that a major earthquake with hit in 3 days during rush hour traffic and destroy the golden gate bridge. He feels his only shot to save 100s, maybe 1000s of lives, is to sue the city to close the bridge at the anticipated time of the quake.

You'll have to see the episode for all that transpires, but here's the major take away...Eli does not take the easy road. He is passionate about his mission and that is to save lives, because if he doesn't speak up, who will? He knows the "truth" and does everything in his power--even compares his message to Jonah and the whale--to get people to listen to him. But he is mocked, ridiculed, humiliated, pitied and ignored. Will anyone ultimately listen to him and be saved?

It makes you think, are we doing enough to share the Truth? So many people WE KNOW personally go on living empty, painful lives. Are we sharing the life giving hope of Jesus? Or are we holding back and letting them die to save face and not look like a fool? Ouch...makes you think doesn't it. Watch the episode. And if you are inspired to make a difference pick up my book How to Talk About Jesus without Freaking Out.

Is it Time to Blow off Your Girlfriends?

2008-02-28T09:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay, so most of you come to me for help with your love life. We talk about where to find men, how to get them to ask you out and how to get from date one, to two, all the way down the aisle. But lately a recurring theme is coming up in my coaching sessions, emails and fan letters, so it’s time for me to address the ever important area of friendships with other women!

Why are friendships with other women so important?
1. Women, how we love to talk. That is how we are made. And oh how that detail-oriented, non-stop talking can drive our men crazy. No worries. Girlfriends are great for sharing extreme details of our lives and usually they won’t get bored with your stories as quickly as our men.
2. Girlfriends are great for calling after dates so you can exhaust your excitement, prematurely tell them “this guy is the one for me,” and cover every detail of your moments with him. Why do this? Because if you let your new man know how into him you then you will scare him away before he can call you back. Be cool, share that info your girlfriends and keep your man coming back.
3. Girlfriends are our “elevator people”—people who lift us up and encourage us during the daily anxieties of life. If your friends are bringing you down and chipping at your self-esteem, it’s definitely time to move on from those friends and collect some new ones.

Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! And when our pool of female friends is lacking to say the least, we find ourselves isolated and discouraged. These are the times in our lives when we find we just need more (or new) girlfriends. It could be that we’re still single and all our friends have married off, or we moved to a new place or we are just in a rut, isolated or hanging out with women who are just plain unhealthy for us. What shall you do?

You don’t have to call up your current friends and cause all this conflict. No. Just pull back and cease to call them all the time. While you pull back on time with these friends, step out to make new ones. Finding new friends can be as intimidating as looking for a man to date, especially since your self-esteem may be at an all time low. So here are my tips on developing more girlfriends to get you through your lifetime.

1. Get involved in your church. If you have been at your church “forever” and are in a rut, check out a nearby church and visit there. A great way to expand the quantity of friends is to visit a mega church near you and attend one of their functions (not just the huge church service where you walk in and walk out without meeting anyone.)
2. Go to your city’s website or one near you (all cities have one, just search Google for your community) and check out the upcoming events, get involved in the chamber of commerce or local charity organizations. Most of these events are run by women “in the know” who know lots of other “happening” women in your town.
3. Try out some hobby you’ve been thinking about. You’re bound to meet like-minded girlfriends there.

Wherever you go, make the most of each visit. Take the initiative and introduce yourself to at least two new women each time. Hey, they may be there for the first time too and they’ll be thrilled someone was nice to them and went out of there way to say, “Hi.”

Building lasting friendships involves time and effort and a willingness to give as much as take. It’s an investment well worth every minute. You were made for relationships ladies. And the time is now!

Are Celebrities Using Pregnancy to Nab their Guy?

2008-02-11T11:53:00.001-08:00

The trend these days seems to be SINGLE celebrities getting pregnant. Wake Up Celebrities! Pregnancy Does Not Make your Man Commit! I’m not talking about Jamie Lynn Spears—she apparently is a classic example of a “nice teenage girl makes mistake and gets caught.” Instead I’m referring to the many other celebrities who are certainly old enough to know better yet are showing up pregnant from Jessica Alba to Halle Berry, 24’s Mary Lynn Rajsku to Nicole Richie, Matthew McConaughy’s girlfriend Camila to Tom Brady’s now ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan. Then there's Holly Madison, 28 year old girlfriend of Playboy tycoon Hugh Hefner, 81 who is reportedly trying to get pregnant according to Us Magazine. But that should not surprise us since she has willingly been one of at least 3 other girlfriends for years and marriage is one thing Hefner says he won't enter into again...and he's not officially divorced anyway.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, getting pregnant on your man DOES NOT make him faithful and committed. If anything it puts in an element of distrust that could very well last you the length of the relationship. If he marries you, as Scott Baio recently married his long time girlfriend after giving birth to his daughter, you’ll never be sure if he really loves you or was trapped into the marriage, and he’ll never know if you “accidentally” got pregnant or if you tried to trap him. Neither is the ideal way to start off a marriage.

And girls, getting pregnant MAY get you an engagement ring but it does not guarantee he’ll make that final plunge into marriage! Bridget Moynahan was dumped by Patriots quarterback Tom Brady before she delivered. Rumors are already rampant about tension in Jessica Alba’s relationship with Cash Warren. And I’m sure you have as many personal examples as I do of friends who were in the same predicament only to have their relationship crumble when the girl thought it was the only way she could finally catch her man.

No matter how desperate you are to capture this guy you’re in love with—don’t get yourself pregnant to catch him! It just doesn’t work and it is not good for your relationship. If that is the only way to catch your guy, believe me he is not worth catching and even if he marries you, you’ll never really have his heart.

This is not about picking on single moms. Many of my coaching clients are indeed single moms and it is what I learn from them that constantly reiterates how important my message is today because single parenting is a lonely, tough road, NOT because single parents don’t love their kids because they truly do love them. It’s that they are parenting ALONE with no time off and no other support!

Do yourself and your future children a favor, don’t do like the celebrities do and get pregnant—deliberately or accidentally—while you’re dating. That old nursery rhyme had good advice—1st comes love, then comes marriage then comes baby in the baby carriage.

Victorya's on a Blog Tour

2008-02-07T06:06:00.001-08:00

Hey ladies, I'm on a blog tour the entire month of February! Below is my calendar as well as the link to each blog. Today I spoke to both author friend Mary DeMuth and a to a group of single moms at Heart Crossings. Check it out. You can also find my calendar on my website mantokeep.com. Click here to read more about a blog tour.

Victorya

The Automatic 2nd Date BLOG TOUR February 2008

1 Seeing You Through / Gail Showalter's Blog
Hosted by: Gail Showalter
Blog: http://seeinguthrough.wordpress.com
2 A Peek at My Bookshelf
Hosted by: Deena Peterson
Blog: http://deenasbooks.blogspot.com/

4 She Plants a Vineyard
Hosted by: Tina Ann Forkner
Blog: http://www.tinaannforkner.blogspot.com/
7 Writing: My Adventure in Words
Hosted by: Ernie Wenk
Blog: http://ernsblog.blogspot.com/
Heart Crossings
Hosted by: Heart Crossings
Blog: http://www.heartcrossings.blogspot.com/

7 Mary DeMuth - Shoutlife Blog
Hosted by: Mary E. DeMuth
Blog: http://www.shoutlife.com/maryedemuth
(Log in to Shoutlife required)

8 Books, Movies and Chinese Food
Hosted by: Deborah Khuanghlawn
Blog: http://books-movies-chinesefood.blogspot.com/

9 The Writing World According to Dwan Abrams
Hosted by: Dwan Abrams
Blog: http://dwanabrams.blogspot.com

11 God Uses Broken Vessels
Hosted by: Angie Breidenbach
Blog: http://godusesbrokenvessels.blogspot.com/
11 F. A. I. T. H. Following.Always.Intently.Trusting.Him.
Hosted by: Angie Breidenbach
Blog: http://writingbyfaith.blogspot.com/

12 His Heart, My Desire
Hosted by: Beverly Dillow
Blog: http://www.hisheartmydesire.blogspot.com/

13 Broken Hearted Girl
Hosted by: MJ Acharya
Blog: http://www.brokenheartedgirl.com/

14 Age is Just a Number: Adventures in Online Dating
Hosted by: D.S. White
Blog: http://aijan2.atwc1.com/

17 The Authentic You
Hosted by: Anita C. Lee
Blog: http://www.theauthenticyou.blogspot.com/

19 Sormag Online Tours
Hosted by: LaShaunda Hoffman
Blog: http://sormagtours.blogspot.com

20 A Daisy a Day
Hosted by: Daisy Spencer
Blog: http://giveuadaisyaday.blogspot.com

23 Boomer Babes Rock!
Hosted by: Allison Bottke
Blog: http://www.boomerbabesrock.com/blog/

29 Camy's Loft
Hosted by: Camy Tang
Blog: http://camys-loft.blogspot.com/

10 Years and 27 Dresses

2008-02-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

Last night my husband Will and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. Due to health crisis with two close family members we didn’t go on that exotic romantic vacation we both had envisioned for this milestone. Instead we went to a nice Italian restaurant and talked and talked about our courtship, our marriage, our kids and our future. And oh my how we laughed about our different perspectives about various experiences during our now 12 years together including our two years of dating. (FYI I’m still amazed how two people can be in the same place at the same time and see the event in two completely different ways, but that is a different blog for a different day.)

We thanked God for our many, many blessings in spite of the annoyances of any of our difficulties we are currently facing and I left that restaurant knowing why I married Will in the first place…soooooooo glad I held out during my trying single years and didn't settle for anyone less than the man I had dreamed about since childhood--even when I feared I'd never meet anyone else if I let the current boyfriend walk away. And I'm so thankful for all those cute guys who dumped me when I wasn't strong enough to break up with them. Short term pain is so much better than long term suffering. Time and time again, I have learned that the good things in life are indeed worth working for and waiting for. I held out, it paid off and we're still going strong 10 years down the line!

Back to the anniversary...we left the fancy Italian restaurant filled with plenty of warm fuzzies. I then I forced my husband to go to a movie I WANTED TO SEE! After all, it was my anniversary and I didn’t get to go on that anticipated vacation. The least he could do is suffer through a romantic comedy rather than a bloody action adventure… He kept the peace and went along with me to see the film 27 Dresses!

Okay ladies—I just LOVED 27 Dresses! The cast was great and writing was smart and it wasn’t your predictable, typical romantic comedy/wedding movie. Katheryn Heigl is adorable as the people pleaser, blissfully engaged in helping other’s dreams come true. And James Marsden (the Prince from Enchanted) was perfect as the wedding reporter who is smitten by Heigl. And guess what? Even my husband enjoyed the film—it had all the gushy stuff ladies love and enough smart humor for men. In my opinion, it was the perfect date movie, even if you have to drag your date in the door!

Fresh Start for the New Year

2008-01-03T07:49:00.000-08:00

I just love New Years. I'm one of those who actually enjoys making New Years resolutions. I mean, why not give yourself motivation to make some much needed changes in your life so you can live the life you always wanted! Let 2008 be the year for YOU...the year you finally care enough to find out what you really want in your life and love and write it down. I was reading several books over the holiday. One terrific book is Henry Cloud's "The Secret Things of God" which takes "The Secret" to whole other level. One of the secrets he reveals is what I see confirmed daily with my clients and that is "You attract relationships that fit you." (pg 101) He goes on to say that if you keep finding yourself with "losers" for lovers and friends then your "people picker" is broke and needs fixin'. That was true with me until I finally looked at what I had been getting and where I wanted to go. That awakening dramatically changed my "people picker" and my husband was the very next man I dated. We're about to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. Want more for the new year? Check out The Secret Things of God. Want a new and fulfilling love life? Check out The Automatic 2nd Date.

Happy New Year.

Victorya Michaels Rogers

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T08:46:00.001-08:00

I hope you have chosen to enjoy this Christmas season, no matter what hardship you may be facing. There is good to be found in every day we are given, even the days we wish would quickly end.

Last week my family got the kind of new you DON'T want to hear from the doctors--especially at Christmastime. We've shed our tears and enlisted our friends and family to pray for healing of my mother-in-law, Patty, (God can do anything). And in the midst of it, we've choose to focus on the reason for the season--the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ who came to save the world. He is big enough to handle our joys and sorrows! And he's big enough to handle yours.

Merry Christmas!

Victorya

The REAL hero of "It's a Wonderful Life"

2007-12-20T20:05:00.001-08:00

I just got this email from a friend who is in the midst of devastating divorce. Wow, it made me stop and think so much I thought it was worth sharing with my readers! Have you ever stopped to ponder about who is the REAL hero of the Christmas favorite “It’s a Wonderful Life”? Here’s one man’s view…
“Hey, Victorya:

I just had a thought I needed to vent to someone. I hope you don't mind. I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" with my kids last night. I make them watch it every year. As I was watching the movie, I couldn't help notice that George Bailey is pretty cranky throughout the movie when the pressure of everything gets to him, especially when the money gets lost. My daughter even commented on it. I found myself defending George because I related very well to George and the pressure he felt. I, too, have been cranky when the pressure of my wife’s outrageous behavior and reactions to our financial hardship got to me.
I couldn't help but wonder what a different movie it would have been if Bailey’s wife, Mary, had decided she would be happier with the plastics guy and left George. Instead, she stepped up to the plate and was strong when he was weak. She rallied the troops to begin praying (what ultimately saved his life) and bailed him out by raising the money they needed. She never stopped seeing the fact that he was a good man, even when he wasn't acting that way. I couldn't help but be envious of George and the good and faithful wife that he chose. I realized, perhaps for the first time, that she was just as much the hero of the movie as he was.

Victorya, I don't know if you can use this to inspire women, but I wanted to pass the thoughts along. I hope and pray that the ideal of a Mary Bailey is not simply something movies are made of. There’s got to be more Mary Bailey’s out there?”
Your friend… a discouraged "George Bailey"

So ladies, don’t you want to be a Mary Bailey?” You know, a woman who will rally the troops to pray for your man when the going gets tough? One who steps up and is the strong one when your man is weak? And a woman who focuses on the good inside your man even when he’s so cranky you’d prefer to slap him? I pray that that is how my husband sees me and if I haven’t achieved her yet, may I in 2008!
Victorya Rogers

Why did that Bachelor Dump You?

2007-12-01T09:23:00.001-08:00

Okay so I'm overdue on blogging about the finale of this year's BACHELOR on ABC. As any of the fans of the show know, Brad, the bachelor, chose NO ONE. He had narrowed it down to two, then one, then changed his mind and decided to dump both, even though he asked them to fly Deana's Dad out for permission for a proposal. Jenni & Deanna were both left broken hearted, confused and angry. Welcome to the real world of dating.

Actually as disappointing as the ending was to many viewers, this was unfortunately a typical and realistic scenario. You can do everything right in a relationship and still have your heart ripped out of you. In this case, it was not necessarily the fault of the bachelorettes.

Brad's traumatic teen years were revealed on the first episode. At the divorce of his parents, he and his brothers went from popularity, sports and wealth to poverty and feelings of being "outcasts" all during very impressionable years. All three brothers vowed to never be poor again and seem to have proven they were serious as all three are currently millionaires.

But there were obviously deeper pain that has not yet been handled in our bachelor causing Brad to run away from love, most likely because of lack of trust and some fear that the desertion will "happen again". Though Brad's childhood pain was revealed on episode one, it was never eluded to again all season during any of the "dates" with the girls.

What is the lesson? Ladies you have to spend time really getting to know your man and asking a lot of questions and genuinely listening to his answers. Get to know his background. Get to know how he feels about his family and childhood. If there is some deep pain there that has not been dealt with, you are at risk of a major heartbreak because rarely do men stay with the ones who "fix them."

So what are you to do? Absolutely be compassionate! Absolutely care about his pain. But guard you heart! Take any relationship with this man VERY slow. Encourage him to get help and do some research on books to recommend or perhaps even a counselor nearby whom he can go to. Just don't you be his therapist, because chances are you'll get left the minute he's cured and he'll marry the next girl.

On the other hand, if his pain is not dealt with, he will NOT be emotionally open to love you because he can not trust. These often charismatic and charming damaged bachelors are not creeps and manipulators. They are just hurt and incapable of giving love until they've healed. Thus, even though your guy may seem like the greatest guy you've ever met, falling in love with him may take you exactly where Deanna ended up—to the land of the dumped and devastated.

Being Thankful for New Beginnings

2007-11-25T19:22:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving weekend! I hope you had lots of food and time for reflecting and being thankful for the blessings in your life, ESPECIALLY if you are going through a hard time right now. We all have things to be thankful for, no matter how miserable our circumstances.

If your 2007 included a devastating or unexpected loss, be it divorce, death or a breakup, you most likely have plenty of unanswered questions and a mixture of confusion, sadness, anger and guilt. If this was your year thus far, here's some good news. You have been blessed with a new beginning. Whether you wanted to be single again or not, you are. Good is going to eventually come out of your misery. Thank God for the opportunity to start over. Fresh beginnings are exciting, even when they're scary. This is an important season in your life to take care of you and spend time reflecting on what you REALLY want for the rest of your life. What do you dare dream for your future? Now is the time to do so. Write it down, ask God for help and get ready for a new life in 2008.

In my difficult times I have always found a way to lift my spirits when I focus on the blessings in my life and the opportunities that lie ahead for me from my current starting point. I challenge you to write out 10 blessings in your life right now. If you are really ready to lift your spirits, stick with this exercise and write out 100! Yes, I said 100. Everyone can come up with 100 things in their lives they are thankful for. For example, in 10 seconds, here are some of my blessings--God loves me, my kids are awesome and adorable and healthy. I'm healthy. I live in America, I live in a cozy home, I have plenty of food, I have transportation, My heater works in this winter air, I have a wonderful family, I have an adorable dog even tho' he still wets on my floor... Get the point, I just wrote out 10 things off the top of my head that are big or little blessings in my life. You can do this too.

May you realize many hidden blessings in your life this week!

Here's to many blessings in new beginnings, even when they're not unexpected!

The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders Woke Me Up

2007-11-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

I was flipping the channels on TV the other night and happened upon another reality TV show. This show documented the long process of choosing the 2007-2008 cheerleading squad for the Dallas Cowboy’s football team. This episode was their charm school portion of training. Beautiful young ladies were caught with less than perfect manners from biting off more than they can chew to many other lazy eating habits that we all so easily fall into—especially when we’ve been away from dating for a while.

Okay, even I was humbled! I’ve been comfortably married for 10 years now and my manners are not as perfect as they were when I was trying to impress my then boyfriend. I mean when I was single and actively searching for my man, I cared about how I looked, how I dressed, how I walked and how I ate every bite. While there’s no excuse for us getting lazy, too often we all do.

That is what makes it such a culture shock for ladies who find themselves back in the dating world after the divorce, death or break up of a long term relationship. Thus one of the first things to focus on is your overall outward presentation to the world when you get ready to jump back into the dating world. That includes your table manners, posture, clothing, hairstyle, make-up and even the articulation of the words you speak (i.e. “yes” instead of “yea”).

Here’s a fun gift idea for yourself this holiday season—why don’t you grab a friend and sign up for a local charm school. Or maybe even a new hairstyle or clothing makeover. We all deserve a little pampering.

Another way to freshen up your charm is to people watch. Notice how obvious single women act around single men. Are they more aware of their manners and attractiveness than women you see sitting with their husbands? What else do you observe? Not all the single gals will act how you prefer to act. Some will embarrass themselves with being way too provocative which only gains them a potential one night stand and little else. But what you will notice, overall, is that they care about how they present themselves. And that is something we can all work on.

This Thanksgiving be thankful for God giving you a fresh start and have fun reinventing your charming self. You and the world around you will be blessed.

Your Next Date may be just a Friend Away

2007-11-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

Who in your social circle has access to the highly sought after? Who hangs around fascinating people? Who has a unique career or ministry where single men may be found? Who loves to meddle in other people’s affairs? You won’t know who may be willing to get involved unless you ask! (Page 91, The Automatic 2nd Date)

So often I hear single women say they just can't find dates and yet they don't ask their friends to set them up! Trust me, people just love to get involved in other people's business. Just give them permission to get involved in yours! Ask your friends if they know anyone right for you. You just never know who THEY know.

For more details on exactly how to get your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors and family involved in your love life, pick up a copy of The Automatic 2nd Date.

The Ultimate Gift for the Whole Family

2007-11-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

Do you need a little wake up call about the meaning of life? Are you looking for a movie that pulls you in and makes you stop and think yet entertains you with laughter and tears at the same time? If the answer is yes, then pick up this pleasant surprise of a movie. The premise of The Ultimate Gift (based on Jim Stovall's book by the same title) is a snotty rich kids expects to inherit millions from his Grandfather to continue with his limitless cashflow of a life he's lived thus far. Boy is he in for a surprise. The film begins with a billionaire's death. His more than superficous, obnoxious relatives all come in for the reading of the will. Of course, no one is pleased with the reading. The main character, grandson, Jason Stevens, is no exception. The billionaire, aptly played by James Garner, has left Jason a peculiar gift. A series of gifts actually, via video tape and delivered through his longtime lawyer and friend Ted Hamilton, played by Bill Cobbs. Jason Stevens must successfully complete all requirements of each "test" to get each gift, without knowing what he gets each time he is successful and always with the threat that if he blows it, everything is lost. Jason's world is literally turned upside down with each new gift as everything is literally taken away from him--his money, his friends, his car, his home, his dignity and even his freedom. Not since The Christmas Carol, has a story successfully engaged its viewers in such a journey. Screenwriting newcomer Cheryl McKay does a beautiful job adapting Jim Stovall's brilliant tale. An enhancement to the already great book was McKay's expansion of the "one true friend" little girl character Emily, played by Abigail Breslin. In the film version of Ultimate Gift, Emily is a major storyline which worked well for the big screen. Certainly director Michael Sajbel deserves credit and mention for the well done adaptation as well. I thoroughly enjoyed the casting as well, especially James Garner, Bill Cobbs and Lee Meriwether. If you've ever been spoiled, taken your life for granted, felt broke, been disenchanted about your life, been unappreciative, or just had one of those days, grab a tissue and watch The Ultimate Gift. You'll get your life back into perspective.

Brad Pitt, God and Ego

2007-10-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

Brad Pitt discussed his view of religion and God last week in Parade magazine. He basically said he thinks religion is fine for a crutch to comfort you for any little crisis you may face but he “didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”

Here's my rebuttal, as I'll address both sides of Brad Pitt's view of God and religion. First, about religion being a crutch, to some people that would be a correct analysis. There are many elements of religion that can be considered a crutch--sympton relief as I would call it. And symptom relief is an epidemic today. Symptom relief is sought in religion, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, relationships, anti-depresants, affairs, careers, fame, movies, money, distractions, busy-ness, really ANYTHING that distracts you from thinking about your problems, sadness or emptiness at any given time is symptom relief or "a crutch." So many people are so empty inside that they are pursuing anything and everything to fill this huge void they feel inside and nothing satisfies--not money, not fame, not anything, except a relationship with Jesus.

I get the whole disappointment with religion view. But there is a difference between religion and a relationship with Jesus. A personal relationship with Jesus is far from a crutch. He is real and does indeed give you true meaning. To know that you were actually created deliberately and for a purpose is quite awe inspiring. Just read Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible if you were to drop it).. Every single day of our life was known by God before we lived one of them. God loves us, regardless of the love of our parents. Read the book of John (4th little book in the New Testament about ¾ the way through the Bible. There’s man-made religion and then there’s God, who created the world and sent Jesus to save us from the mess we’ve made of our lives. That’s not a crutch, that’s a solution.

Okay, now for Brad Pitt's other view about God and ego when he said “I didn't understand this idea of a God who says, 'You have to acknowledge me. You have to say that I'm the best, and then I'll give you eternal happiness. If you won't, then you don't get it!' It seemed to be about ego. I can't see God operating from ego, so it made no sense to me.”

First, I find this humorous coming from a celebrity, when Pitt himself admitted he pursued acting for fame. You pursue fame for ego. I’m not judging that as bad. I’m just making a point.

When I (Victorya) was a little girl I had a vivid imagination, especially when playing with my Barbie dolls. I remember one time I was trying to understand God when I actually pondered this very topic that Brad Pitt talked about and I came to a complete different conclusion. I was thinking about how much fun I was having creating this whole little world for my Barbie, Ken and Skipper dolls (I mean I had the camper, the house, the pool and the whole bit) and I started thinking—“Hey I’m doing this all so they can have a really great time and be really comfortable, and live happily ever after.” Then I thought, “What if they started making fun of me and giving credit to someone else for what I did for them and not appreciating anything I did for them. In fact instead, they complained all the time that they wanted more and they hated me and pretended I didn’t exist….hmmm, I would just stop playing with them. In fact, I’d get rid of my dolls and have nothing more to do with them, so there.”

This was the thought of me as an 8 year old girl, but I still remember it. And I wasn’t thinking that was because my ego was bruised. I was thinking about God and how we treat him. I was thinking “Wow, if God really created us and we all keep treated Him the way we do and talking bad about Him and not appreciating Him and we keep giving any and everyone ELSE the credit, it is amazing that God just hasn’t blown us all up yet, because we deserve it. That is amazing love that He gives us with all these 2nd chances when we don’t deserve it. And to think He sent Jesus, His only son to DIE for us when we were making fun of Him. That is crazy love. But the Bible says God did exactly that. That is far from ego. That’s giving undeserved love, also known as grace, and something I am honored to receive. Anyone who asks Jesus to come in and live in them will be welcomed home just like me. That well known verse John 3:16 and the one that follows it John 3:17 tells it all—For God loved us so much that he sent his son to die for us and if he believe in him, we’ll be His. Then He clarified that He didn’t send Jesus from some ego or to destroy or condemn us but to save us from ourselves.

Forget religion, crutches or other symptom relief. If you have an emptiness inside, get to know Jesus. He promises to save you.

YOU Can Get an Automatic 2nd Date!

2007-10-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Today is the day. The Automatic 2nd Date hit bookstores everywhere. Check it out and tell your friends. Now you will know everything to do and say on a first date to guarantee a second. PLUS there are many pages on where to FIND your next date and how to flirt with him to compel him to walk right on over and ask you out!

Victorya Rogers

The Automatic 2nd Date

Back in the Dating Game after Divorce?

2007-10-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the most confusing, insecure and scary time to date is right after the dust has settled on a divorce. I mean, what do you do? You've been married for so long and many of you have not been on a date in decades--yikes! What do you do? I was recently asked these very questions by MSN and Match.com. Here's the article and my answers How to Ace First Dates. Hint--hold back, don't tell him all about your horrible ex and whatever you do, don't put out!

Victorya Michaels Rogers
The Automatic 2nd Date (comes out TOMORROW, October 17

Don't Go BROKE Breaking Up

2007-09-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

You don't have to lose EVERYTHING when you break up! You can still walk away with at least your bank account and assets if you know what you are doing. The sad reality is that most couples who break up DON'T know how to protect their money and they're too angry with each other that they just don't care at the very time in their life they REALLY need to care.

Many of you reading my blogs are in the middle of a divorce right now. Having walked alongside several friends during some very ugly divorces, what I have witnessed as the messiest side of divorce is the money lost! Lawyers get rich and you go broke. USA TODAY has a great article offering guidance to people in the exact position you are in today. Click on this link and read the entire article so you don't GO BROKE while you're breaking up!

Victorya Michaels Rogers

Exactly WHY We Blow Our Love Life

2007-09-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, I’ve continued to get emails from my July blog about the girls on Bret Michaels dating show Rock of Love. This partial email from Cassie, one of my active readers, sums up those sympathetic to Bret Michaels contestants:

Cassie said, “Don’t you understand why we make the bad decisions we make in relationships? Does love really matter? All love has brought me was a continual test of forgiveness and misery. I have a place inside that is so longing for stability and a different path so much that you question your values and what you really are as far as self respect. I don’t feel desperate but the idea of a different future is enough to make anyone coming out of a bad relationship long for a quick fix like a man with money and status, regardless of whether we get along or if there is a future of companionship and a peaceful environment.”

My response to all the hurting women who find themselves in the same place as Cassie or the Bret Michaels girls (and I KNOW that is a lot of you) is that Yes! I understand why you do what you do. That is why I do what I do—write books and advice columns and coach many of you individually. Because you want one thing and your actions are bringing you something else. I want to shake you and wake you up so you CAN get what you really want. Yes you hurt. Yes you feel like love “sucks” and your self-esteem is in the toilet. But, for starters, if you would only write out your feelings as Cassie did above and then READ IT BACK to yourself out loud so you can see how self destructive you are being and how much of a vicious circle you are choosing to remain in.

Note that Cassie said basically “I want a man with money to solve all my problems and I don’t care if I like him, he likes me, or if there is any future.”

Well yes, you do care, if not now, you will soon enough. And you will reconfirm how love “sucks” as soon as he rips your heart out because he will not make your dreams come true. He will only disappoint. If you are fed up with love, I say you are in a great place. Give it up for now and work on YOU. Stop the madness. Stop rushing towards a quick fix (which doesn’t work) and work on YOU and fall in love with YOU and find out what your dreams really are and pursue them. It is far better to live the life of your dreams alone than keep run from them with person after person who lets you down. And guess what? When you actively pursue the life you really want to live, a better companion for you will appear. And if he doesn’t you will be so content alone, you will be just fine with that!

John Lennon, Owen Wilson and August

2007-08-31T08:41:00.000-07:00

John Lennon once said “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” So true, way too often, for most of us. We need occasional wake-up calls to remind us of why we are here and to inspire those unsure to find out. It’s just that the wake-up calls are rarely welcome. For much of Hollywood last week it was the attempted suicide of Owen Wilson, a popular movie star who seemed to have the world at his feet. If someone with everything is despondent…

Overall August was a tough month. One of my readers’ fiancé was tragically killed in a car accident just 10 miles from my house; a precious young mom with 3 kids lost her battle with cancer at just 36; I lost my Grandpa after 5 years living with Alzheimer, my niece lost her Grandpa, the beloved Pastor from my youth. And lastly a very close family friend’s cancer returned and now she’s back in the midst of intense chemo.

The other night I watched the new DVD “The Ultimate Gift”. It was a great book and well done adaptation to a movie. It’s worth renting, by the way. The thought provoking film got me thinking about priorities, how much we take for granted and how spoiled we Americans truly are…

Then last night I pondered “What would I REALLY do today if right now, at this moment, I had no guarantee I’d live until Christmas just 3 months away. Sure I’ve thought about that whenever I’d heard last year’s number one hit “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw. But it really pierced me last night as I prayed for my dear friend Johnnie who goes to chemo today.

Death can come anywhere, anytime to anyone. And that includes each of us. None of us has a guarantee of Christmas this year. We don’t even have a guarantee we’ll make it until dinner tonight. So I’m writing today’s blog in honor of Johnnie. Will you allow God to use her pain today as a gift of life for you? If what that famous Beatle said is true and life really is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, then what does your life reveal? Are you living like you want or missing out because of distractions and plans and fear you won’t get what you want so you hold on so tight to “whatever” that you don’t open your eyes to the life right in front of you?

Let go and forgive someone you’ve wasted energy withholding forgiveness from; take the first step toward that dream you’ve placed on hold for whatever valid excuse; call that friend you’ve put off calling; tell your family you love them, hey, and ask God why you’re here. He promises an answer if you’d only ask.

Scott Baio, Johnny V and Your Friends

2007-08-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

I promised to blog more about Scott Baio's show. One more episode left. Will he propose or walk away from his longtime girlfriend?

For any of you who have seen even one episode of VH'1's reality show Scott Baio is 45 and Single, I'm sure it didn't take you long to realize he has a toxic friendship with Johnny V, a buddy since his teens. Clearly Johnny's own words and actions make it clear that he is using Scott merely for hook-ups with women and has no apparent capacity to care about Scott's needs or best interests. Needless to say, Johnny V is extremely threatened by the possibility of Scott growing up and giving up his womanizing ways because that will leave Johnny without Scott and thus dateless. Sadly, Johnny V does everything he can to sabotage Scott's attempts at turning his life around. Not only did he make a large bet that Scott would fail to remain celibate for the six weeks, he also constantly and shamelessly threw other women into Scott face to lure him into failure. Johnny V is not a true friend. Hopefully after watching the footage of the show Scott will see his friend for who he is. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what has been happening right in front of you.

This blog isn't just about Scott Baio. It is about you. Is there a friend in YOUR life who is not really your friend? Perhaps you've had this friend in your life for years and years and she is always pulling you down, influencing you to do what you know not to do or don't want to do, yet you go along just because. Ed Young Jr. did an entire series last year entitled "I Had These Friends." What a powerful message it was! He encouraged us all to think back over our lives and trouble we've gotten into (and we've all done SOMETHING wrong in our lives). Most likely it can be traced back to the influence of a friend you chose to hang with, even when you knew better. Talk to ex-cons (I have) and they will tell you the same excuse… "I had these friends".

Is there someone in your life who pretends to care about you, yet deep down you always feel bad about yourself when she is around? Does she criticize, discourage or sabotage most every move or effort you make toward change? Maybe it is time for you to do what Scott Baio finally did, and cut your ties with this friend. Sure it will hurt. This is real life and deep feelings are involved, especially if it is a long term relationship. But if your friend truly is toxic for you, your life without her is exactly what you need to achieve the life you were meant to live!

For more relationship tips, check my blogs weekly.

When your girlfriend pulls a Denise Richards

2007-08-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

I got a few emails along the same theme recently and thought it merited a blog to all. Sadly, like me, many of you have been in this unfortunate place of betrayal: You’re dating a guy or in a committed relationship, or worse, you’re married to him, and a close friend makes a move on your man. Oh, of course she defends herself and says “It just happened” or “He came on to me” or “I thought you two were over...” Blah, blah, blah.

What do you do? You take care of you! Most likely you’re devastated at the betrayal and need to learn to trust again. In order to do that you’ve got to accept that these two individuals are no longer “safe people” for you. It doesn’t matter who made the first move. If they got physical, they are both guilty.

If it’s a dating relationship, the guy has got to be let go, no two ways about it. Consider yourself blessed that his lack of loyalty came out before the ring. You deserve better than him! If you’re married it is time for marriage counseling to find out how your relationship deteriorated to this.

As far as the friend in the scenario, girlfriends don’t betray girlfriends. If they do, they are not really your friend. Can you, or shall I say should you, keep this friend in your life? That depends on your wishes. It also may depend on whether you have a choice. Is she a neighbor, co-worker, church or family friend or relative? If so, it may not be so easy to cut her out of your life for good. And besides, you want to focus on healing, not spending energy avoiding someone. Therefore, rather than getting into a vicious confrontation, you are simply going to put boundaries in place. Your friend has shown herself to be unsafe and no longer deserves to be let into your inner circle. Thus you are going to pull way back, stop initiating contact and don’t rush to take or return every call she places to you. You don’t have to avoid her, you’re just not keeping her involved in the details of your life any longer.

A friend of mine made the mistake of "pulling a Denise Richards" to several of her friends (even made a move on one of my boyfriends who promptly let me know). I pulled way back but chose to stay in her life more as an advisor rather than close friend from that moment on. She never knew I knew about her move on my man. However, we had talked about times she got involved with her other friends’ men. Her excuse was always "they came onto me first, what was I to do?". Guess what? Her girlfriends dumped the guys who cheated and are now married to others. The guys never stayed with her. In fact, she is still single ten years later. I feel bad for her. She's a pretty girl who’s very sweet, but she’s not a true friend. And what you put out comes back (that’s in the Bible by the way).

For those who want to defend Denise Richards because she got together with Richie Sambora only after he and Heather Locklear had split, it doesn't matter. It was still not okay to do. The split had JUST happened. The couple deserved time to try and work it out. And Heather's "best friend" had no business consoling then dating the ex the minute he moved out. So please don't write me back and defend Denise Richards action. She still did not behave as a friend of Heather's.

I’m sure Denise Richards is very sweet too, she seems to be. But Heather Locklear would be wise not to let her back “in” to her personal life. Same for you in your if this happens to you.

Scott Baio, Past Boyrfriends and Hope for Getting Over it

2007-08-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Can a commit-phobic bachelor be reformed? That is what Scott Baio is trying to find out in his VH-1 reality show “Scott Baio is 45 and Single.” Contrary to the show airing right before it, this one is good! It’s amazing how two of Pamela Anderson’s ex-flames can have back-to-back reality shows on the same network, and yet be two extremely different shows.

Bret Michaels’ is filled with sleaze in “Rock of Love”; Scott Baio’s, on the other hand, is actually about a guy trying to reform his commitment phobia and settle down. Does he have the courage to marry his long time girlfriend? Enter an impressive life couch and you’ve got the basis for the show. Scott is willing, yet less than thrilled, to go through the process to find himself.

I met Scott on a dozen occasions during my agent years, while the president of my agency was his agent. Sure, he had charisma, but he also had a conspicuous chip on his shoulder, at least around me. I also knew of his womanizing reputation with the who’s who of Hollywood starlets. Needless to say I was curious to see the show to get an update on the actor/director and was pleasantly surprised.

This is a good show for both guys and girls to watch because you’ll see the perspective of the cheater and the cheated on. You see, Scott is instructed to go back to many of his ex-girlfriends to see what he did right and what he did wrong in the relationship. He admittedly cheated on all but his current girlfriend and most of the girls were aware of his ways and had less than pleasant memories. Certainly what you put out comes back—that is Biblical and factual, thus his life has been well, less than fulfilling to say the least. However, consciously he had no idea how he affected these women. And some of the women were holding onto extreme bitterness that was only hurting themselves, as Scott had not thought of them for years!

For today, what I want you to take away from this blog is that holding bitterness only hurts YOU. One of Scott’s exes was a Playboy Playmate from well over a decade ago. Scott hadn’t thought of her in years and years, yet she was consumed with what he did to her. Now a comedian, her act included “joke” after “joke,” ripping “Chachi.” Few laughed.

If you want to experience happiness, you have to choose to get over your past and move on. When you hold back forgiveness, you are the only one who suffers. Sure, hopefully you have broken off your relationship with a cheater and done the soul searching to find out why you were with a cheater in the first place. More important perhaps, is why you chose to STAY in a relationship with a cheater. There is some low self esteem if you stick around bad treatment. Feel the hurt, and move on. If you refuse to forgive the offender ONLY you will suffer! Forgiveness is not about letting him off the hook; forgiveness is about getting your own life back.

I like "Scott Baio is 45 and Single”, I’ll be blogging about the show again.

The Rock of Love? Oh Please, Have a Little Respect for the Word

2007-07-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, so some friends just got back from Rocklahoma along with 50,000 other people to see their favorite ‘80s rock bands, including Poison (heavy metal was never my personal thing so I passed). Thinking about their weekend, I just happened to see a promo for Poison’s lead singer Bret Michaels new reality dating show Rock of Love and decided to TiVo it. (http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/rock_of_love/series.jhtml)

The rock star, who’s already sold over 20 million albums, is set up with 25 women in a VH-1 version of “The Bachelor”. To put it mildly, this version of reality dating is far raunchier than ABC’s. Bret Michaels point blank lets it known that he sleeps around a lot and prefers loose women. And he announces that sex with a woman is just that. There are many women with whom he has “wild bus sex” and women who are his friends. His goal is to find a woman with whom he can have both great sex and friendship at the same time—that is the “spiritual rock of love”. He has no interest in monogamy during this search however. So ladies, for a shot of the rock of love be willing to be used. But hey, he’s a star so you can consider it a notch in your lipstick case, right? Wow, how sad.

So he’s good looking, wealthy, cool, famous and he notices you! Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. Is it enough? Nooooo! What about character, trust and monogamy? You can’t overlook major flaws like disloyalty, immorality and irresponsibility just because some highly desirable qualities are present! Why? Because you ALWAYS get the whole person in a relationship—the good, the bad and the ugly. And don’t hold out hope that you’ll be able to tame the wild one. The only person who can change anyone is the individual himself!

I could go on and on and on. During my decade as a Hollywood agent I was around celebrities and wealthy guys every day. Whereas it is always a blast to meet someone you admire, it is pathetic and unnecessary to throw out all your dignity, values, and self-respect in the process. So here is where I am going to rant.

Ugh. Have you ever been so discouraged that you just want to give up and quit? That is how I felt this week, not because I watched Bret Michaels dating show. This week I also had a half dozen of you update me on some of your ridiculous choices of pursuing wealthy and/or famous men who’s treatment of you is pathetic. In all six instances you continue to want to be involved because “he’s so famous” or “he’s so wealthy” or “he can transform my social life” and so forth and so on.

Do you ever listen to yourselves? Does a phony social persona mean so much that you don’t care about your private life? Do you think money will bring you fulfillment? If you do, then you are deceived. And you will continue to pay the price. I say continue because each of you are miserable right now and holding out false hope that he’ll suddenly show you respect, treat you well and choose you above all others. Your self esteem and that image you thought you’d gain from all this will be ripped from you leaving you feeling worthless, lonely and broken.

Whether he’s rich, famous or your normal bachelor, you have got to pay attention to what you get from your man from the very beginning. Believe what you are actually getting from this "relationship—his attitude, his vibe, his words and his behavior. If your man shows signs of a lack of character, you have to believe he indeed has a lack of character. More importantly you therefore need to believe he no good for you. Move on girlfriend. Please have a little respect for yourself.

Please STOP! You're Freaking Him Out

2007-07-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to tap her on the shoulder

I was at church on Sunday and right in front of me was a young, clearly NEW dating couple. She was a very pretty young girl about to wreck her new relationship. How did both me and my husband both know this was destined to be a short lived romance just by sitting behind them? The young girl was so clingy it made every person on my row squirm—in fact it was hard to focus on the sermon. She would not keep her hands or eyes off of him. The moment they walked to their seats, holding hands of course, she had a beam in her eye and a smile so wide, it was clear this was their first time coming to church together. Upon every “meaningful” comment from the pulpit or phrase in a song, she would turn to him, wait for him to meet her gaze and give a huge smile again and with that she would rub his back, clasp his hand more firmly or just shrug her shoulders in glee.

What is so wrong with this blissful state of glee from a young girl happy and in “love”. Well, if she wants to keep her new man, then everything. You see, as would be expected with this type of clinginess, he was not responding with the same enthusiasm, or the same tight grip or the same gazing into the eyes. It was more like he was a prize she was proudly showing off to her family and friends.

What should she have done? Girls, there’s nothing wrong with being absolutely ecstatic about your new “love,” just show a little restraint, please. You can be absolutely beaming inside, but don’t freak him out, and DON’T do the possession death grip on his hand—that is the absolute giveaway of neediness.

Next time you are in the wonderful, euphoric stage of new love, yes, enjoy the ride, embrace the feelings that wash over you, but PLEASE don’t let your man know everything you are feeling. Give him a chance to catch up. Tell your friends how amazing he is and how wonderful you feel and how amazed you are that no one has ever made you feel this way before. BUT DON’T show or say all that to you new man or he will suddenly on his way out of your life all because you freaked him out.

Are You Numb from the Head Down?

2007-06-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

Tried of walking all over your men?
I got an email the other day from a gal who thought she was the only one in the world with this problem. She isn’t. If this reflects any of your experience, there is hope for you!

“Jill” (not her real name) said she can’t seem to find and maintain any long term relationships because after a while she just gets, in her own words, “bitchy” with her “boyfriend’s” every move. Further, Jill is in the habit of just picking up random guys at bars, clubs or wherever they lurk and sleeping with them, even on first dates sometimes and she says she never really feels bad about it afterwards. She concluded with “I know this is not normal… is something wrong with me?”

Here’s an excerpt of my reply:

Bitchy usually means you choose men you don’t respect.

Are you slipping into accidental relationships with men you subconsciously think you deserve but really don’t want because you don’t have high self esteem? When we haven’t faced our past or our hurts we go for whatever is NORMAL to us (from our childhood), even if normal is painful, rather than what we want.

All you describe is not new to me. I have coached women who find they are acting in similar ways. What is really going on is that you are numbing yourself from feelings to avoid facing something in your past. There is real pain that you haven’t wanted to deal with. The reason you don’t feel bad after one night stands is because you stopped allowing yourself to feel a long time ago. Why? Maybe you have a fear that if you allowed yourself to feel true emotions you just might begin to cry a flood of tears that will not stop. Or maybe you just don’t believe feelings can bring anything but pain.

Please know that NO man can fulfill your every need. Every human will in some way disappoint you because we are all just human. The only ONE who can satisfy the void, that emptiness inside you, is God and he truly cares about you. For more information on how to begin a relationship with God, if this is a new concept to you, go to this special link on my website: http://finderskeepersclub.com/divineintervention.html.

Also, one way to begin to see why we do the things we do is to journal about your life. Here is a guide, “The Journey to Who You Are,” which you’ll find in the addendum in my upcoming book The Automatic Second Date. Grab a pen, pull out your journal and get started with your autobiography.

THE JOURNEY TO WHO YOU ARE GUIDE
It’s easier to recall your past when you look back on small age spans. You can choose to go in chronological order or skip around, as long as you eventually answer all the questions for each age span. To get started on your autobiography, begin with any age span listed below and answer each question to the best of your ability: ages 0-5; grades 1-4; grades 5 and 6; junior high school; high school; ages 18-21/college years; your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.

Some Guidelines
Don’t edit yourself as you go. Don’t over think. Just start writing the first thing that comes to mind when you think back to that age and ask yourself each question listed. When you are finished, you’re ready to put it all in chronological order and write the story of your life, with all the new insights and lessons you’ve discovered in this journey to your identity and self-worth.
Some very painful memories may come up. Don’t be surprised if the hurt feelings come back while you’re writing. Just feel the pain and keep going. It’s important to recall and write down how you made it through those times and what you learned along the way, so you can understand how you became who you are today.

Your Questions
1. What do you remember most, good or bad, about your life through each age group?
2. What did you do?
3. Where did you live?
4. Who were your friends and enemies?
5. What highs did you experience?
6. What lows did you experience?
7. How did you view God and what role did you see God playing in your life at that time?
8. What are some of your life’s blessings, joys, and victories?
9. What are your biggest disappointments, hurts, and storms?
10. What dreams were planted in your heart early on?
11. Did you pursue those dreams? If not, who or what stopped you?
12. If you have already met God, when did you meet Him and what led up to your inviting Him into your life?

May you enjoy your journey to the real you!

Victorya Rogers

Nooooo, Not Another Wedding Invitation!

2007-06-17T21:05:00.001-07:00

It's wedding season--hurray. Or is it a drag for you? If you get anxiety when those wedding invitations show up, there is no need to fear. It's all in perspective! Weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom anymore. Now it’s a perfect place to meet your mate. Here's are my tips for single gals going to weddings:

DON’T TAKE A DATE to a wedding unless you are in an exclusive relationship because weddings are a great place to meet someone new.

Why is it a great pick up place? Because the guy or gal can be “vouched for” by the bride or groom. It’s far better than picking up a stranger in a bar or on the internet. You can find out scoop about them

Who goes to weddings?
Close friends, relatives, friends, long lost friends and distant relatives plus coworkers. It’s a great place to reconnect with people and also a great place to meet someone new.

Why it’s great to meet someone at a wedding?
Everyone puts their best foot forward and we all usually look great at weddings.
You automatically have something to talk about—the bride and the groom
Weddings are a great pick up place because the folks are vouched. What you find at weddings are family, close friends and co-workers
You will have someone in common. It is easy to start up a conversation—all you have to ask is “do you know the bride or groom?” And let it go from there.
It’s a no pressure, fun way to meet someone new. They’re already there to have a great time. So the pressure is off.

Where is the best place to mingle? The line for food and drinks line of course.

WHAT TO DO BEFORE THE WEDDING.
Try to find out any scoop on singles BEFORE the big day when the bride and groom aren’t so preoccupied with their moment. People LOVE to get involved in others love lives so let them know you’d be open to meeting someone. So find out from the bride or groom (whom ever you are friends with) who is invited that is single and if there is someone that may be a good match for you and ask to be placed near them at the reception—perhaps even have a word or two slipped to the potential match up so they will be thinking about the hook up.

If it’s a buffet
Scope out ahead of time where to sit and just happen to be by that table.

If it’s a sit down dinner:
Try to have that worked out with the bride or groom so you get placed at a good table.

And if you’re in the wedding party, even better, because you have several chances to get to know the rest of the wedding party and if one just happens to be single and handsome…

So next time you stress about an invitation in the mail, say yes, and go stag….your “Man Worth Keeping” just may be waiting near the aisle.

Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com

Are You Insane?

2007-06-04T12:17:00.001-07:00

Within one hour I got three emails from ladies that compelled me to just shake my head in frustration. Girlfriends, you’ve got to snap out of it. As Benjamin Franklin said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you are constantly disappointed by guys and have found yourself today convinced there are no good ones out there, it could just be that you are doing the same thing over and over again. You know what I’m talking about, just hanging out, going to clubs, living your life and when someone notices you or catches your eye, bingo it’s love at first sight, that is until he rips your heart out.

I’m not saying you mean to continue to be attracted to the bad boys. It just keeps happening. So how do you change your dating life? You start today, this very moment! Find out about you. Grab a notebook and spend some time by yourself writing out the history of your love life. Who knows it may be a movie someday since people love to hear about other’s misery. But that is not your motive today. Your reason for writing it out is for you to search for a pattern. What do each of your exes have in common? They may not look alike, but I promise they will have several qualities (and not necessarily good qualities) in common.

After you see what you’ve been getting, write out what you REALLY want in a man. Write out this wish list by putting the “must have” qualities at the top and the “would be nice to have” qualities at the bottom. This is just the beginning of the new you, but what a great new love life you are about to encounter, because you can now begin to separate the good from the bad because you now know what you are AND what you are NOT looking for!

Best Place to Meet Single Dads?

2007-06-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

According to a brand new survey , the best place to meet single dads these days seems to be online. This interesting article found on the online dating site True.com included data from interviews with over 5000 single dads asking them why they were choosing to date on line and what the perks were for them as opposed to traditional dating. Check it out. It's always intriguing to hear men's perspective.

Go Ahead Make His Day

2007-05-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all are enjoying a day with friends and family to relax and eat All American favorite like Hamburgers and Hot Dogs. We are so thrilled to get a day off that too often we forget to pay attention to what each holiday means, especially this one.

Now if you are like most women, we just have this THING for men in uniforms. I mean they look so handsome and brave and protective… Yet, seldom do we stop and think that men in the military really do put their very lives on the line for us. They (and their families) sacrifice for us so we can continue living in this country with the freedom, comfort, and lifestyle we so take for granted.

I heard an amazing statistic yesterday. In the history of United States, during times of war, 43 million Americans have put on their uniform to defend our freedom. 2.79% of those 43 million gave their lives while doing so.

If you see a man (or woman) in uniform, especially today, walk over to them and say “Thank You”. If you know someone who spent time or currently is in the military tell them you appreciate what they do. If you see someone at a restaurant wearing a ball-cap or t-shirt revealing they were in the armed services, go out of your way to say Thank You.

I was at a luncheon last year and heard a man tell his story of how God has miraculously saved his life during a fierce and bloody tour of Vietnam. Many of his friends died in front of him, yet he made it home with a bullet hole and a limp. By the end of his talk he broke down in tears. Alive but wounded, he did not come home to parades of thanks. Rather Vietnam Vets were treated at best by being ignored, at worse by being ridiculed by fellow Americans against that particular war. The reason for his tears today? He was eating breakfast in a small café that very morning and had been wearing his favorite hat that said Vietnam Vet. A lady came over to his table and said “Thank you for serving our country!” That is all she said and walked away. Sobs began to drench his table at that small café. You see he had been home from war 35 years and this was the VERY FIRST American who had thanked him for putting his life on the line for her!

I don’t care if you are for the War on Terror or against it today, whether you were for Vietnam or against Vietnam, or any other war where Americans defended our freedom. Make our veterans and active military’s day by thanking them! Honor them for what they gave up for you even though they don’t know you! It only takes two words uttered from your mouth to honor those who protect us. Make their day—say THANK YOU--today and every day you pass one who served!

Lastly for you who have family members serving our country—thank you for the sacrifices you make each and every day while they are in harms way.

Happy Memorial Day. We honor you!

Jordan vs Blake--Is Winning Everything?

2007-05-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

Jordan Sparks was my choice from very early in the season, so I was very pleased to see her crowned American Idol on last night's season finale.(http://www.americanidol.com/videos/view/?vid=776).

Jordan is young, talented and if top songwriters choose her (as they did Carrie Underwood http://www.carrieunderwoodofficial.com/) to record their next big hits, she'll have a long career.

Do you have to win it all to win? Are you a failure if you get into the top 2 like
Blake Lewis and stop short of the prize? Not on American Idol and not in the dating world either, because sometimes losing the top prize offers you more freedom so you can pursue exactly the life you want.

I'm sure Blake is encouraged by 2006 4th runner up Chris Daughtry's chart topping debut album with 2 number one hits and already selling 2 million copies (http://www.daughtryofficial.com/). Especially since clearly the chosen single for this year's winner would not have reached the charts if he was singing it—it wasn't his style. Same thing happened two years ago with Bo Bice http://bobice.com/—the song just wasn't appropriate for his voice—kinda uncool, but that is how life is sometimes.

So what does being runner up have to do with love? Are you a failure if you are runner up at love (you know the guy you thought was the end all be all chooses someone else. It doesn't have to mean that you failed at all. Let time be the revealer. I was "runner up" with at least 4 ex boyfriends and oh my, did that rip my heart out each time! BUT I moved on, kept faith there was someone out there for me, and thank God for unanswered prayers! All 4 of those guys ended up being far from the right one for me (10 to 20 years later all 4 of them have had real relationship drama. One of them finally got it together and at least seems to have a good 2nd marriage, the other 4 are rumored to be a mess. I have been happily married to my keeper for going on ten years.

I'm so thrilled I was merely runner up at least 4 times in my life! How about you?

Wanna Get Him Back?

2007-05-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Want to know how to get him back after you're (temporarily) rejected? Take it from Bevin—the rejected runner-up on this year's The Bachelor (http://abc.go.com/primetime/bachelor/). Last night on the "After the Rose" episode she handled herself so well I just wanted to hug her. She did not attack Lt. Andy, she had not grown bitter. She simply wished him the best, let him know how she felt and gave him permission to move on. What good does that do? Wonders! Trust me. It leaves him doubting his decision to leave. You see when you let him go when he's gone already, you are just accepting what's already done rather than fighting what can't be changed in the immediate here and now. What you GAIN is that your man leaves thinking "Wow, I thought she'd hate me and she's okay with this? Wow, maybe I was wrong…" No matter how painful letting go is for you, force yourself to be classy in the face of rejection. You leave the door open for him to come back at some point in the future—that might be a week or a year. Either way, when it happens the ball will be in YOUR court. You see, you are a magnetic woman who faces your own pain, mourns your loss, then moves on with your life. So when your ex comes back you may or may not want him back depending on where you are in your life at that point. What a great place to be! Believe me that has happened to me on several occasions and you know what? I didn't want them back when they came back because I was able to see them for who they really were—and they weren't men worth keeping!

To read more tips on love:

blog.myspace.com/victoryarogers

victoryarogers.blogspot.com

She Darted in the Middle of Heavy Traffic!

2007-05-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

I was driving home this morning from dropping my daughter off at school. There was a lady pulled over trying to call over a well-groomed (surely much-loved), collar-wearing, wayward dog running happily and carelessly off toward a busy, crazy intersection. I gasped and held my breath. Whew, she stopped at the light and looked around, seeming to wise up to the danger.

The other driver and eye pulled into traffic and stopped at the light, hopelessly yearning for the puppy to come our way and find safety. Suddenly, she darted into heavy traffic as I covered my eyes to the screeching traffic around me. She made it across, this time. Other cars pulled off the road and attempted to pursue and call the dog to safety, yet she just kept trotting happily away, "100 miles an hour in the wrong direction". I doubt that dog will live through the day, not to mention the hour.

It made me think about many of the ladies I counsel and see doing the same thing in their relationship choices. Most are much loved woman with family and friends wishing nothing but the best for them. They are prayed for, and often given wise counsel—from multiple people—about their dilemmas and choices about who to pursue and who to leave, and yet they trot happily away, 100 miles an hour in the wrong direction down the road to heartbreak and devastating consequences. You see, just like that puppy, the decision is still up to you. We can tell you want to do, beg you heed the warning signs, shout out when danger is right in front of you, yet still YOU have to make the choice for safety. You are in control!

Are you like that puppy today? Are your addictions to the wrong men or willful blindness to blaring red flags putting you in harms way? My prayer for you is that you will begin to love yourself enough to stop running in the wrong direction, start paying attention to the danger signs, and begin heeding the counsel of those who want nothing but happiness for you. It's your future at stake. Will you survive?

Ugh, My TV Broke and I Really Loved It

2007-05-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

First off, sorry about the last blog being just a photo of me. I was trying to upload my new headshot and instead it went out as a blog. I'll figure it out soon and it will replace the old one you see here.

Here's my words for the day: Our flat screen TV broke last week while still under warranty since we’ve only had it 6 months. We really loved that TV—it fit perfectly in the wall space carved out for a large screen TV. We loved the picture and we’d invested so much to acquire it, but it just broke. So we called Best Buy and they said we can come in and just pick a replacement since they don’t carry that one anymore. Cool right? We tried one—the top rated brand at that—and it just wasn’t the same. We whined and mourned and shopped and shopped until we finally made our choice and replaced our old one.

Why am I rambling on about my TV dilemma? Thanks to several emails from Myspace friends complaining about disappointment in old and new boyfriends during the same 3 day process of looking for my new TV, I couldn’t help but compare a perfectly fitting TV to searching for a perfectly fitting man.

Have you ever caught yourself yearning for an old love and comparing him to every new one that comes along, even though he was broken and definitely not good for you? The problem with that is when time has passed from a broken relationship we forget all the bad stuff and simply idealize the fantasy of the good.

Sure your ex had good qualities or you would have never seen him in the first place, right? BUT, did his bad outweigh his good? I mean my TV was broken and not able to be fixed, I had to move on or I wouldn’t be watching TV. Was your relationship so broken that you weren’t relating anymore? Was he too different from you or did he treat you badly? Was he abusive? Did he lack the important qualities on you crave for your ideal mate? If that was so, no matter how much you liked him or how addicted you still feel to him you have to move on if you want to find true love.

Feel the hurt. Mourn, whine, even sulk. But choose a time period for that (a few days, weeks or months) then let go and continue living your life so you can be free to fully love the right guy when he appears.

It’s just not fair to compare every new guy to a fantasy (the unrealistic memory of a fallen relationship). Yes, ABSOLUTELY you need to keep to the standard of the GOOD qualities the ex had that are on your must-have list for your ideal mate!

But remember that every man, including your ex, has faults. I’m definitely not telling you to settle for less than the best. I just want you to pay attention to exactly what you are getting—the good and the bad—and determine at that point if the man in front of you right now is one to keep or one to replace. Every relationship comes as a whole package—the good, the bad and the ugly. (Hey, we’re far from perfect as well). The only person to change someone is the person himself. So don’t choose your mate because he has potential, choose him for what he is today. If your relationship is not fixable, walk away while you’re still under warranty (before the wedding). As hard as it is to say goodbye while dating, it is no comparison to splitting up after you’ve married!

2007-05-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

To all the Single Moms out There!

2007-05-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

I hope you had an extra special Mother’s Day this year. I have a special place in my heart for Single Moms because aside from rarely, if ever, getting a break or “me” time, Single Moms also frequently get overlooked on Mother’s Day when their children are young because there’s not a Dad to remember to help the kids do something special for Mom. If your little ones forgot to pamper you yesterday, just know that it had nothing to do with any lack of love for their Mom. You are special and appreciated more than you know. Thank you for all that you do—all the hard work, the extra doses of love you pour into your kids when you'd rather sit down and relax, and each and every sacrifice you make. You will be rewarded one day. As the good book says: What you sow you reap; what you put out will come back to you. It may not be overnight, but it will be in due season. You will reap the harvest as you see your precious little one grow up.

Victorya Rogers
www.finderskeepersclub.com

I'm Sooooo Glad It's Over

2007-05-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment today to meet a new photographer for the back cover of my new book “The Automatic Second Date”. We’ve had several phone conversations and each time we talked (or he left a voice message) I got this very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guy talked down to me and was confrontational over little things (I mean this was a business relationship for photos mind you. What could be confrontational about that?). After he shamed me at length for needing directions to his office, I got to his place and was quickly told off for ringing the doorbell instead of knocking (Okay, who knew?). The guy looked just like an old boyfriend—a verbally abusive boyfriend at that. What are the odds?

Long story short, I ended up leaving within 5 minutes of getting there because it went downhill from there and life is just too short. I called my husband while I drove the hour back home and told him how THRILLED I was that I had the strength to get out of that previous relationship. Thank you Jesus, for rescuing me from that! I have not been around someone so degrading and abusive in over ten years until today and it all came back to me in a flash with this photographer.

Here’s what I want YOU to know—this photographer’s work was good, I mean he was great at his craft--gorgeous picture after gorgeous picture filled his portfolio. My back cover would have really impressed you. Bummer, right? Then I thought about the ex-boyfriend. He was a very hot, well known model. It was great for my ego to be seen with him. But who cares?!?

Life is too short to let your ego keep you in bad situations. So I would have looked good publicly while living in misery if I stayed with the ex boyfriend. And I would have had great new pictures if I would suffer through a photo shoot with a guy who put me down for the 4 hours or however long it took…It is just not worth it! There are other fish in the sea.

There are other guys to date and there are other great photographers. I’ve found both! My husband is every bit as good looking, but more important that that—especially more important than that, he is good to me, actually LIKES me for me, and is secure enough in himself that he doesn’t have to talk down to me to feel good about himself.

My take home for YOU is to PLEASE love yourself enough to walk away quickly from any guy who has to chip at your self-esteem to make himself feel strong. There is no where to go in a relationship like that but down—and by that I mean your self-esteem will be crushed day after day after day until you’ve got no dignity left. Don’t believe the lie—you are worth more than that—so much more.

Victorya Michaels Rogers
www.victoryarogers.com
www.finderskeepersclub.com
www.makeitinmedia.com

Rah Rah Sisterhood

2007-03-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

Your Girlfriends were made to get through a lifetime

Gals, we all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten! You owe it to yourself to collect a group of girlfriends, preferably three or more, with whom you can share your life. It takes the pressure off you and gives you an unbiased opinion of your life traumas. Plus it keeps you from freaking out on your man during the ups and downs of dating and relating.

Look, we all have needs and that is okay. We’re human. What’s not okay is to burden a brand new love, expecting him to meet those needs. And ladies, we tend to over analyze everything. Do your analysis with your girlfriends, but don't freak out on your new man.

It's always best to have more than one girlfriend to call so you can dwell on the same saga for hours by just finishing with one phone call and going to the next. Not that everyone has to do that, it just worked for me during my heartaches. I spent "normal" phone time with girlfriends when life was good. During my dating life I had my mom, sister, sister-in-law, co-worker, and seven (yes SEVEN) girls in my small group Bible study that I got to individually bore with each of my traumas. It was bliss to get to go on and on without losing a friend because there were enough of them to turn to without wearing out my welcome! Believe me at least once I was told, "Vic, I have to go, but call so & so and see what she thinks to see if I'm right."

Maybe I’m sounding extreme for your personality or circle of friends. Perhaps you live in a small town where it seems impossible to find a bunch of friends. And no, you don't have to bore your friends for hours. Thankfully not every crisis merits that. And remember a friendship is two-ways. You'll need to return the favor when your friends are in need.

What if you’ve been stabbed in the back by gossip, jealousy or betrayal by former girlfriends? Yes, there will be friends who hurt you. At those times, evaluate if they were speaking truth that was hard to hear or if they were just being mean. If they were being malicious then they weren't really your friend. If they were speaking truth, be thankful they loved you enough to tell you the truth rather than letting you live in denial. Either way pull up your boot straps, determine to choose your confidant wisely, and go out and try again! Because girlfriend, we were made for relationships! I chose to risk and build a support team of girlfriends for my own sanity and to keep me from scaring dates away by being too needy. We all need cheerleaders—be it one, five or ten!

Give me this: Begin to consider the possibility that you’ll open your life to females around you and build a group of girlfriends to usher you through tragedy and triumph and into the life you always wanted.

What If You Are Wrong?

2007-03-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

I hear it almost every day from single women of all shapes and sizes: “All guys are creeps” or “I just want to find one man who is not a jerk” or some other version of the same story. Having been there, said that a time or two during my single years, I have a profound question for you who currently feel this way:

What if you Are Wrong?

Could it be time for a reality check? Could it just MAYBE be that your own perspective about the male population is actually wrong and yet because you have convinced yourself you are RIGHT to think boy are brats you have this Male GPS (you know an inner global positioning satellite that tracks down bad guys) seeming to prove you right? I mean, wouldn’t it really be humbling yet awesome if guys weren’t as horrible as you think they are? Wouldn’t it be nice to be wrong every once in a while? Here’s your chance to get started finding men actually worth finding.

1. Pick up a pen and paper and write down how you currently feel about men in one page or two (without pausing until you’ve let your feeling out).

2. After you get it all out, the second step is to think back and write out your first bad experience with a boy that taught you that men were creeps (or whatever you just said about them).

3. Third, I want you to write out a sentence stating the opposite of your current belief (i.e. if you thought men were creeps, write “There are some great guys who will genuinely treat me great”). Keep working on that sentence until it describes what you hope to be true about the opposite sex, though you’ve not found it yet.

4. Ponder your friends and couples around you that you admire. Is there any real life examples of the type of guy you just described? (Hint—I actually found one and have been happily married for over 9 years, really!)

5. Put this sentence inside your day-timer, notebook, bible or someplace you’ll see it everyday and see if just maybe changing your own perspective might change your reality.

Victorya Michaels Rogers, Author Finding a Man Worth Keeping
www.finderskeepersclub.com; www.victoryarogers.com

Ooh I Wish I Could Take That Back!

2007-03-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

Has this ever happened to you? You find you have this yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach from guilt or regret over something you did in the pursuit of love? Perhaps you’ve crossed a personal boundary and went farther than you wanted and your conscience is not letting you off the hook. American Idol contestant Antonella Barba is feeling that pain this week after “friends” released compromising photos she allegedly made for her boyfriend. What is hidden in the closet most always eventually comes out.

How much easier life would be if we thought things through before we acted! Unfortunately we can’t take things back. So here’s your chance to think before you act. Spring break is here for some and soon for others. So girlfriends, PLEASE think before you act this week, especially if you find yourself at some spring break vacation spot with a ton of other students. There are people out there just looking to mess up your life and temp you to do things I promise you will regret later. Have you ever heard of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos? Spring Break is one of the seasons they tape those shows because that is when they find young, intoxicated girls looking for fun and attention. Don’t get caught off guard.

Do you Suffer the Britney Syndrome?

2007-02-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

Cut the girl some slack. Come on now, don’t we all have a little Britney syndrome in us? My heart truly goes out to Britney Spears. Yes she’s spiraling out of control, that is clearly no secret. It’s devastating for any woman to go through a break-up. It’s exponentially harder to go through it in the pubic arena with the paparazzi capturing every moment on film. Ladies when we’ve had our heart ripped out of us we don’t always make the right choices on how to live through the pain. Unfortunately, Britney has chosen to seek revenge by partying all night, hanging with the wrong friends, adding tattoos and shaving her head. She’s become obsessed with attempting to show her ex she can live and smile without him. But you know what? She may have a pasted on a smile but she’s devastated and crying out for help on the inside.

It just breaks my heart that Britney is choosing the wrong friends to help her through. We’ve all be there, haven’t we? None of us are perfect. I remember being dumped by a boyfriend for some blonde bombshell and I ran out that next day to “show him” and cut 12 inches off my hair above my neck—and my biggest asset used to be those long locks. How dumb was that? Hello…he dumped me and I was punishing him by cutting the hair he loved. Why would he care? He already left! But that is one of those silly examples of how irrational we ladies are when we hurt.

Love Lesson: When your heart is ripped right out of your chest, feel the pain, fall on your knees, cry, pray and mourn. That is healthy to do. Then write, write and write in your journal (I write my journal to God since I know he is actually reading it as I write and cares about me even when no man gives a rip). Most important, carefully chose healthy friends to spend time with who will lift you up rather than drag you down. This is the most difficult for celebrities when trust is a precious commodity among friends, acquaintances and hanger-ons, especially when every tabloid is pursuing your friends for a story with money dangling in front of them. Here’s some reading recommendations: My favorite scriptures for getting me through heartbreak: Psalm 139 (Old Testament), Jeremiah 29:11 and the book of Proverbs and Gospel of John (4th little book of the New Testament) and Roman 5:3-5. Books: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Seizing Your Divine Moment by Erwin Raphael McManus, Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.

Hate the Way He Treats You?

2007-02-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

Your new guys may be a celebrity, rock star, politician, or the hottest guy on campus. But if he's not treating you like you want to be treated is the "notch on your lipstick case" worth the heartache? Been there done that, and believe me, it's not!

So I ask you are you at a loss for why your new guy only sees you secretly and NEVER spends a dime on you? I hear about this all the time and it happened again right in front of my face girlfriends! A gal came into the life of a single friend at one of my parties. The gal was cute and sweet and met our handsome bachelor pal at a holiday party. She noticed how attractive and successful our single friend was and zeroed right in for the kill. She didn’t leave his side that evening and even made the move herself for the lip locking. Did he find her attractive? Sure, but he didn’t get a chance to even think about whether he would pursue her or not. She smothered him from the start. It’s been a few months now. I asked about the update when I heard they still see each other occasionally. She thinks they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.

His version? “She calls me all the time. I don’t know what she wants from me. I’m just not emotionally available right now.” He admits they “hook up” and talk. Interpretation: She calls, he agrees to see her when nothing else is going on; they get together at one of their homes—no romantic dates, no “wining and dining”. He’s not spending money on her. She’s not getting what any quality single woman deserves and I’m sorry to be quite frank, but it is HER fault!

Here’s the problem, if it’s not obvious enough to you by now. She is too needy, desperate and smothering. And by being that way, she is frustrated in the “relationship” because she is not getting what she wants—respect, love and attention. Is there hope for her? With this guy, only slightly, and only if she stops calling him and lets him actually have time to miss her.

Love lesson: You can’t force love! And you certainly can not fan a flame if you are smothering it. If you are only being invited over to a guys place or hooking up in secluded, non public places, you are NOT the main squeeze--you are the secret fling. Don’t you deserve better than that, no matter WHO the guy is? I would say absolutely yes, so show a little restraint please and get some self respect!

Better to be Single & Solo than Married & Miserable

2007-02-17T12:30:00.000-08:00

Better to be Single and Solo than Married and Miserable Okay ladies, too many times we settle for our less than ideal man merely because of poor self esteem. This is a weakness of countless women regardless of age or race, social or economic status. I remember two distinct times in my dating years when I caught myself settling for far less than I deserved. One was with a handsome naval aviator…

I was just beginning to date when Top Gun was a hit movie so having my own Tom Cruise "Maverick" character was a dream come true, so I thought. But he was mean. Yes, he was cranky, withdrawn and on some of our dates he was quiet and boring, to say the least. But hey, he was hot and he liked me and wasn't I asking too much to be entertained and happy as well?

Hello! No I wasn't! We deserve to be adored and appreciated! Every woman does! The relationship (or whatever it was at that point) came to a screeching halt one particular date when he had taken me out to an exclusive “officer’s club restaurant. We were sitting at this beautiful setting with several tables around us filled with couples gazing dreamily into each others eyes. In contrast, we sat by each other in conspicuous silence. I even caught myself eavesdropping on the couples around me just to have something to do.That was my wake up call!

Did I (or do YOU) really want to spend a life being bored out of my mind? Is being with someone just because they're good looking or just because they'd ask me out for that matter, worth settling for an unhappy or unhealthy relationship? No way.

I chose to be alone at that stage in my life and wait for someone who actually wanted to talk to me. Let's be real. I was heartbroken and cried for days because he didn't seem to care I was out of his life. But I was willing to go through short term pain rather than long term misery. If a man chooses to leave you and you know he is not the IDEAL man for you, let him go.

Don't chase him, no matter how much it hurt. You deserve more.

It is better to be single and solo rather than married and miserable.

How to ENJOY a DATELESS Valentine's Night

2007-02-14T05:47:00.000-08:00

I have spent more dateless Valentine’s evenings in my life than I care to count. Have I ever dreaded the approaching evening? Absolutely, in the same way I’ve dreaded being the only dateless adult on Family Christmas Eve parties. But overtime, I learned to actually make the best of and even enjoy the romantic event when no man was in sight. Here are some great ways to spend a dateless Valentines that can actually put you on the path to ultimately find your man worth keeping!

1. Grab a friend or boldly go solo to the movies. If you dare see a romantic comedy, check out Music and Lyrics with Drew Barrymore and Huge Grant (opening today). If you just want to enjoy a film, sans the romance, see Dream Girls, The Queen, Bridge to Terabithia, or Night At The Museum. Valentine’s is the perfect night for escapism.

2. Okay, you have permission to do something to spoil yourself today. Don’t go crazy. Just give yourself one treat. Carve out time during your day, even if it has to be on your lunch hour, to pamper yourself. Here are some options:
a. French manicure
b. new hairstyle, color or cut
c. indulge in a massage or facial
d. buy yourself an clothes, shoes, purse….something at the mall that you have been dying to buy but holding back.

How ever you choose to indulge yourself, don’t mess up your entire budget. You want to pamper yourself, not punish yourself.

3. This is NOT the night to go out to eat—too many couples gazing dreamily across the table at each other. Instead, order your favorite take out or skip dinner and have a huge portion of your favorite dessert. While you’re enjoying your meal, pull out your journal a design your ideal man. Dream big. Write every character trait and every quality you hope he will possess. Where will you live? How tall will he be? What will his career be? How will he propose? What will the two of you do in your free time? How many children will you have? Just go for it and dream your entire future with this man you are creating.What better evening to do so than when Cupid is flying around? My personal list included that my man would believe I was the best thing to ever coming into his life! I had an entire list including his height and weight. Certainly there will be things on your list you can live without, just put the most important qualities at the top of your list and the negotiables toward the bottom. Finish off you evening with your dessert and a polished version of your Man Worth Keeping. Now keep this list with you at all time, be it in your wallet or daytimer, so you’ll recognize him when he appears.

4. Another idea for the evening is to plan a girls night. Invite over your single gals for dinner and your favorite chick flicks or better yet, reminisce with a purpose. Have each of your girlfriends write out one page on all their previous relationships including the good and bad qualities of each man. Cross out any character trait that is not repeated and circle the ones that are. THEN each girlfriend writes out a personal WANT AD based solely on the circled character traits. Be creative in your writing and have fun with this process. Have each girl read aloud the Want Ad they’ve subconsciously been putting out there to attrack the men they’ve had thus far in their lives, you’ll laugh and cry at the same time.

Save Your Relationship--Don't OutGive that Man!

2007-02-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

Okay gals, don't blow your relationship by outgiving your man tomorrow! If you have found yourself lucky enough to have a date scheduled for tomorrow's big day—Valentine's Day 2007—here are some last minute gift giving tips to ensure that you keep the romance alive with your man.

Valentine's is the time for your guy to pamper you and win you over, not the reverse. You can be assured he is actively pursuing you if you feel slightly indebted to him. You just don't want him to think he owes you. Keep that in mind as you shop for the perfect Valentine's card and gift for your lucky guy. Whatever you do, don't buy him expensive gifts or try to match or better what you think he will give you.

Creativity and thoughtfulness is what you need an abundance of, not money. And pay close attention to your man's personal taste, interests and hobbies.

Gift ideas for new love:Your mission during the early stages of a relationship is to inspire your man to continue seeing you while you decide if he's a keeper. So take it slowly and refrain from advertising your feelings before he is ready to reveal his. Don't use your first Valentine's together to be your opportunity to reveal your undying love. Let HIM make that move. So ladies, if you give anything at all, think creativity and free or very inexpensive, making sure it's personalized to his taste.

1. Make a Valentine's Day card that is also a special invitation for a home cooked dinner by you. Have fun as you describe each item on the menu from appetizer to dessert. Hopefully you know him well enough to know his taste in food.
2. Make a card which includes 3 or 4 coupons for him to redeem. Include coupons for things he loves that you may be nervous to try or perhaps you disliked—be it sports, food or a hobby.
a. If he loves basketball and you don't, offer to watch an entire NBA game with him as he teaches you the rules. b. Offer to help him wash his car. c. Put in a coupon for a foot rub. d. Listen to him practice a speech for work.

3. If your guy likes coffee, give him some Starbucks or other coffee treats. They can be inexpensive and certainly will be appreciated. Have fun and be creative. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. He'll be impressed you have actually listened when you hit a bulls-eye to his personal taste! Remember you are aiming for casual and fun. You want your gift to imply, "Hey, I'd like to get to know you better," not "I love you truly, deeply, madly." Gift ideas for the ongoing or exclusive relationship:You can risk giving a small gift if you and your guy have been together a while and are exclusive, but not yet engaged. But still, don't out-give him. Even if you think he may propose to you this evening, don't come prepared with lavish gifts in return. This is HIS night to shine and yours to enjoy.Gift ideas:a. If he has a favorite sports team, get him something with the mascot on it—be it a OU, USC, or Texas Longhorn hat, t-shirt, lounge pants, key chain, frame, etc.
b. Buy inexpensive, yet thoughtful accessories to his favorite hobby be it golf, hunting, football, electronic games. If he has a hobby, there are accessories.
c. Buy him downloads for his Ipod.
d. Get him a new cover for his cell phone.
e. Hopefully you know his taste well enough at this stage to pick out some cologne for him.
f. If you have great taste in fashion, buy him a new sweater or other item of clothing. If you are insecure about your fashion sense, go to the mall and ask a sales lady at a hip clothing store.
g. Create 3 or 4 coupons for you to do some favors for him that he knows you may rather not do, like help him clean is car or house, give him an hour foot or back rub, attend his favorite sporting event, etc.
h. IF he is into golf, perhaps set him up to golf at a hard to get into golf course through some of your connections.

Ever Had More than One Date on the Same Night?

2007-02-07T05:30:00.000-08:00

I just read a report that Reno NV and cupid.com are pairing up and attempting to set the World Record for the largest simultaneous speed dating event ever in one evening. The article inspired me to share my opinion on the trend that is popular for the 32 to 59 year old crowd. Hey, I would have done speed dating in a heartbeat if it had been around when I was single. Why? Because it is the perfect setting to practice first impressions, first conversations and overall people skills. It may be uncomfortable or nerve rattling but that is okay, because if you have found yourself disappointing in love in your past, even if it was all the man’s fault, it’s time to start working on yourself and your own dating skills so you’ll be ready for a good man when he finally shows up.
Here’s the scoop in Speed Dating: The first speed dating event took place in late 1998 in Beverly Hills at Pete’s Café, the same year I got married, so I was already off the market. You can find some variation of speed dating in many large cities across the country and even internationally. Its appeal is that you have the opportunity to meet a bunch of potential hot dates in one evening.
Here’s how it works: each female participant gets to have a three to eight minute mini-date with each male participant. The length of the dates depends on the organizer and how many participants sign up. When it is time to move to your next date, the host lets everyone know by ringing a bell or something like that. You may not like one guy there, but then again, you might like them all. The good news and the bad news is that you don’t exchange numbers right then and there. At the end of the event you turn in notes on each of your mini-dates. The organizers pair up all the couples who mutually chose each other. You could end up with zero, one, or many follow-up dates, yet there is no official rejection while you are there live and in-person. If you are convinced that you had a major love connection you just have to be patient until the next day to see if you were correct. Though not a perfect meet market, it’s probably worth a try a time or two. It would definitely be a memorable event for you and your single girlfriends to do together. Whether it’s a great or horrible experience, it surely can be good for future laughs.
Speed dating is definitely a great place to practice first impressions, body language, flirting and overall social interaction skills. That alone is worth the ticket price! If you are shy, there are few other opportunities to be forced to come out of your shell multiple times in one evening. And if you do horrible on the first go round you have several other opportunities to warm up and do better. If you’re not near Reno this week, then do a search in your area and try it out.

TEEN ABUSE MAY LAST A LIFETIME

2007-02-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week kicks off Today

According to Safe Shelter, a nonprofit that provides programs and services to victims of domestic violence, abuse in your teens carries through to your adulthood. “Statistics indicate that one in three American women experiences some form of domestic violence during her lifetime, and that number holds true for teen girls in dating relationships as well,” said Teri Ebel. “When young people learn to behave abusively or accept abusive behaviors in their earliest love relationships, they’re setting a course for a future of this relationship pattern,” she said.

Dating abuse is not just physical. There is also so much verbal abuse and controlling that goes on in relationships. A great book explaining verbal abuse and how to escape it’s grip is “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. Get it on Amazon.com. No matter what form the abuse takes, it always demoralized and diminishes self-esteem.

What is the answer? Awareness! Stop the violence in your present and especially your future by realizing and accepting that the abuse you are experiencing is NOT okay and NOT the norm and you, yes you, deserve better! I understand it’s difficult to breathe and see outside your situation when it is a parent doing the abuse. Whoever is abusing you, please know that you matter and you do not deserve to be treated like this. There is life outside of abuse and you must do whatever you can to get away from your abuser. Tell friends and people you can trust what is going on, see help from local shelters or call the domestic violence hotline number you find in your local phone book. Search the web for ways to escape abuse. Take self-defense from your local YMCA or check out videos or books on it at the library. There are people out there who want to help you!

It you want a life away from abuse you MUST choose to live in conscious awareness of what you want in your life, face your hurt, and heal from your pain. If you don’t take step to take control, sadly you will continue to be a victim of abuse your entire life. The normal pattern of abuse victims—especially when it begins in your youth or teens, is that once you leave your first abuser, you will subconsciously be drawn to another and another, even though they look different on the outside. Because even though you don’t like being abused, it feels normal to you and we always seek our “comfortable normal” regardless of what pain or lack of pain it brings. You don’t have to continue living like that.

There is a God who sees and hurts with you and wants to rescue you and give you the life you were created to live. Pick up your bible and read the entire chapter of Psalm 139 (right in the middle of the Bible) and Romans 5:3-5, then read the entire book of John (4th little book three fourths the way through the Bible). The fact that you are reading this is a sign that you are ready to make a change for your future. Congratulations on loving yourself enough, even when you feel worthless, to seek health. God loves you, you’re worth it, begin to stop the violence today!

Another One Bites the Dust

2007-02-04T12:18:00.000-08:00

I just came about this headline of yet another Hollywood couple that has recently called it quits:

SPADE CONFIRMS HE'S NO LONGER DATING LOCKLEAR

I was cheering for this couple because they seemed like friends. They succombed to the same syndrome Jennifer Anniston and her own comedic boyfriend Vince Vaughn fell into--The Rebound.

LOVE LESSON: Both Jennifer Anniston and Heather Locklear had spouses who allegedly cheated and dumped them in a painful and public way (Brad Pitt with Angelina Jolie and Richie Sombora now with Denise Richards). It's all too common to run into the arms of a friend willing to let you cry on their shoulder. Could these have been great pairs for the long haul? Sure, but the odds were against them from the start for any "Till death do us part," since they got together in the midst of such pain on the actresses end. Unfortuntely the pattern will be to leave the one who carries you through the pain once you've healed.

QUICK TIP FOR THOSE LOOKING FOR LOVE: Protect your heart if you decide to run to the recently heartbroken. You may think this is the one you've been waiting for, but Heart beware, you will be their rebound and counselor. History does not show a lot of promise for you to be the one who keeps her or him after the hurt has healed.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2006-09-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

Two friends had devastating break-ups in the last few weeks--one a marriage and the other an engagement. Oh how my heart hurts for these two precious friends! If you too have been through a breakup then you already know the heart wrenching pain the follows.

I remember one of my more difficult breakups happened after I got a call from a close friend who revealed to me that my boyfriend just went on a double date with her and her boyfriend (who was HIS best friend). He just assumed my friend would keep her mouth shut. She did the right thing--she was my friend not his. The betrayal was shocking. I remember just collapsing on the floor of my home and sobbing. I then had to crawl to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so through out that first night to throw up seemingly everything I ever consumed.

I never thought I would have such a physical reaction to emotional pain. It took me time to get over that break-up, but in time I did. What was great about it was that, even though I wasn't married to him, I at least got a glimpse of what some of you have gone through when betrayed in marriage and it is divesting. Another thing I realized through my various breakups over the years, before I finally found my Man-Worth-Keeping in my husband, was that breakups are an emotional rollercoaster EVEN when you think you hate the ex! When I broke up with one long term relationships that I was soooo done with and strongly disliked, I still sobbed and had plenty of moody spells. My mom just couldn't figure it out why I cried over that boy.

Separating yourself from a relationship affects every area of your life. It brings up every insecurity about your identity and your tomorrow (i.e. Will I find someone to love me? Will I be alone forever? Will I be financially secure? etc.) I could write an entire book on helping you through a break up and I may one day, but for right now, here are 10 brief tips to get you through the immediate crisis and on the road to a new life:

1. CRY: That is the most healing thing you can do (and something men don't do enough of by-the-way). Ever wonder why women live an average of seven years longer than men? It's because they are better at getting their feelings released, thus healing faster! So cry and allow yourself a short period of wallowing in your self-pity. When do we have such a luxury? But I'm limiting you to a week at the very most for wallowing in your pain and staying at home in your PJs and hopefully you won't need even one day of not getting out of bed. Yes, the tears may last longer than a day or week, but after one week you have to get out of bed and begin living again no matter how much it hurts. You deserve to live!

2. TALK TO GOD: What better time to put all your dependency on your Creator? It cracks me up with I hear people say "God is just a crutch for those hurting". Hello? What better person to go to in your pain than someone who actually cares about every detail of your life? Even if you haven't discovered a personal relationship with God yet, this is the perfect time to seek one. The "Good Book" promised that God will draw near to anyone who seeks him! So pick up your Bible. If you don't have one, even Wal-mart has them for just a few dollars and I bet a friend would be happy to give you one if you don't have one--email me if you need one--see my website. There is a book right in the middle of the Bible called PSALMS. Open to this book and read Psalm 139. (You can find more places to go in this wonderful book on my website under "Seek Divine Inspiration".)

3. GET OUT OF BED: Even though it's great to cry and I want you to allow yourself to grieve, DON'T spend an extended time alone. Get yourself out of bed and moving forward with life, even if you're numb to everything around you. I encourage you to force yourself to get out of bed, shower and dress before 9am every day! A shower will do wonders to lift your mood and help you start your day, even when your heart is not in it. Then continue to work or go to school and live your daily life--at that includes going to church, going out socially with some girlfriends, making your bed, cleaning your home, grocery shopping, etc.

4. WRITE IT DOWN: Begin a breakup journal to write all your rollercoaster feelings down every day. (If you prefer, just write it on your computer). This will help you work through the pain as well as help you spit out the emotions so you can move on with your day rather than dwell on the feelings all day. Also this is a great place to analyze what went wrong, what YOUR roll in the breakup is--no matter how small--and when you noticed something was wrong. Your goal is to grow through the pain. My motto has always been, if I'm going to hurt, something good better come from it because God promised he'd bring me good through whatever he allowed, and he allowed this to occur, so God, PLEASE show me the good! Sometimes, the "good" will be to help others in the future. Sometimes the "good" will be that you got out of a dangerous relationship. I don't know what your ultimate "good" will be from this, but if you write it all down and seek God daily, he WILL reveal the good.

5. FEEL THE ROLLERCOASTER: Understand you will go through a series of emotions (shock, sorrow, anger, grief, resignation, relief, numbness, to giddiness). At times the emotions of the day will not be what you expect to feel. Just accept that that is part of the grieving process. Your goal is to walk through the motions and do all you can do to guard yourself from bitterness (something more deadly to YOUR life than your ex's--see tip 10 below).

6. MARK YOUR CALENDAR: Give the breakup 12 weeks--especially if you are the one who DIDN'T want to break up. That is the average length of the rollercoaster ride of emotions for life changing loss before resignation sets in. If you really want the relationship back and he seems to either want nothing to do with you OR he wants to keep you AND another women at the same time, my best advice to you is to cut off in person meetings with him (unless you have to see him to share custody with children--keep those about the kids and BRIEF). Be civil yet do not engage in "friendship" bonding with him as this will only keep you hooked on him while your ex is not suffering the pain of loss because he still has you and he knows it. If you want him to miss you and run back to you, that will only happen if he has time to feel what was lost--your presence, caring and love. He can't have his cake and eat it too. AND you will never win him back if he does not miss you. If this is hard for you, the calendar method helps a lot. Just put down that you will not see him or engage in long intimate phone conversation for twelve weeks. This gives you a goal. In the meantime, you HAVE to move forward with your life and act as though you two are over forever.

7. DO SOMETHING NEW: Get involved in a new project start this very day--be it a hobby, charity group, longtime dream, anything you've wanted to do for a while but haven't gotten around to it for whatever reason. When one dream dies, fill it right away with another dream. We all have a secret dream--be it to act, sing, write, dance, fly, speak, ski, paint, you name it-- now is the time to pursue that dream. (If it's to do with Hollywood, see my website: www.makeitinmedia.com). Baby steps is fine, just move forward.

8. FIND CHEERLEADERS: Surround yourself with people that care for YOU. And avoid spending time rehashing your pain with everyone you meet. That is what your journal is for. Yes, you can tell your friends and family and get them to surround you with love and support. Just don't spend your entire 24 hours a day only dwelling on your pain or you will not be able to get out of bed and move forward.

9. DON'T JUMP INTO NEW LOVE: Heal first. DO NOT immediately fall in love with someone else. No matter what you try and convince yourself, this new love will only be a rebound and even if "he" really is all you think him to be, your new relationship will never be what it could be until and unless you first heal from your heartbreak. I recommend taking a six month break from love. Yes, you can CASUALLY date, but don't allow yourself to get serious with ANYONE until you are over the ex. If it is a divorce, I strongly recommend NO DATING until the divorce is final. Heal first, FINISH what you ended, and then move forward with new romance. This is the only way to choose healthy the next time.

10. FORGIVE: Okay, THIS is the toughest, especially when you have been seriously wronged. I'm not promising you will feel warm and fuzzy for forgiving, nor am I suggesting the "ex" deserves forgiveness. There will still be consequences for what he did--that's just the law of the universe. But your concern is not in focusing on him getting his--leave that to God--your job is to take care of you! You are forgiving him so YOU can heal. You must forgive or you will become bitter and it will ruin YOUR life, not his. He doesn't deserve that power over you. We've all heard news stories of disgruntled women who murdered their ex for what was done to them. These women ruined their own lives because of what was done to them. Don't fall into that trap. Let go of the bitterness and release the power he has over you! Here are two books to read on the topic: Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes and Forgive to Live: How Forgiveness Can Save Your Life by Dick Tibbits and Steve Haliday.

Feel the pain and hang in there. There is no easy way through heartache. But there is hope, you will eventually get on the other side of pain if you keep take care of you, keep moving forward and forgive (no matter how guilty he is). My prayers are with you!